Song, by Toad

I am not much of one for activism, but if ever there was a petition that demands your attention then it is this one: Jail Paris Hilton.

After repeatedly violating the terms of her probation for a DUI conviction she has been sentenced to an extremely lenient 45 days in jail, of which she’ll probably serve twenty, if that. She has raised a petition on her website for “all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice”. Well that includes me. How did the slack-fannied whore get away with so lenient a sentence for what amounts to putting ordinary citizens in danger of their lives?

But no, apparently that’s not what she meant:

“Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives. “

So yes, she will inherit her father’s money, which is one unarguable demonstration that imprisoning her for breaking the law is a travesty of justice. And she brings hope to young people all over the US and the world. Right, well if by hope you mean syphillis, then yes, I can see that this too means she should be immune to the law.

The worst thing about Paris Hilton is that there is no way you could express your utter contempt for her in any way that her awful vanity wouldn’t distort into a compliment inside her empty skull. Perhaps publicly executing her would be all we need to do to appease Al Qaeda, because it is very difficult to dispute the ‘Western Culture is Depraved’ charge they so enjoy when that utterly vacant shell of a human being is tottering drunkenly about the place like a paedophile on a school outing. Its almost as if God made a human body, but somehow neglected to put a human being inside it, resulting in this awful echo-chamber of human vanity and craven self-obssession.

Her mere existence makes my skin fucking crawl. You really get the impression that you could hang her upside down in the middle of the Sahara Desert for a fortnight and the hateful little bitch’s fanny still wouldn’t have dried out by the end of it. She’s a disease-ridden, parasitic, tainted, talentless whore, and the sooner she goes to prison and some tattooed old boiler called Edna makes the emaciated little tart her bitch for a couple of weeks, the better. Better still if she forces her to share her needles. So vote, people, your country needs you.

Now, to expunge the rather violated feeling just mentioning that rancid old cadaver gives me, I am going to have to do extremely well in the musical department, just to bring the net value of this post back up to zero. Well what this reminds me of more than anything is the superlative b-side by Chumbawamba – yes, Chumbawamba – called Passenger List for Doomed Flight 1471. The title is pretty self-explanatory, and if Paris Hilton belongs anywhere it is on the Passenger List for Doomed Flight 1471. It’s the cheery little bye-byes that do it for me.

Chumbawamba – Passenger List for Doomed Flight 1721

The only real way to get revenge on Paris Hilton, for what her and her noxious ilk have done to our society, will be to sit back and enjoy the unavoidable wrath of Father Time. Watch will glee as she gets older, wrinklier, ever more hysterically desperate and finally dies in a pool comprised of a mixture of her own vomit and the pus seeping from her syphilitic sores, a half-empty bottle of supermarket vodka clutched in her bony fingers and the man batter of some fat old supermarket security guard matting her hair.

[Update: FFS, can't we just burn the bitch?]