A girl I went to school with, who is a bit of a star-fucker, has been moping around all things rock ‘n’ roll since god was a boy. Mrs. Toad’s boyfriend when she was 16/17 always used to make her feel bad about not being as ‘cool’ as this girl, because she was so hip and trendy and he had a thing for her. I am a defensive bastard so my relationship with this lass has gone from a casual tolerance to vitriolic malevolence because she IS NOT HALF THE WOMAN MRS TOAD IS AND NEVER FUCKING WILL BE. I hate the bloke for daring to make my darling girl feel inadequate, and I detest this girl for any feeling of inferiority Mrs. Toad may ever have mistakenly harboured.

It’s all the bloke’s fault, I hear you saying, how can you blame this innocent lass? Well it may be all the bloke’s fault, but this girl is the sort that whenever you talk to her you get the impression she is looking over your shoulder every once in a while to make sure there’s no-one cooler she might be talking to instead. Now, when we were casual acquaintances this is the sort of thing I just didn’t care about, because her approval didn’t matter a jot to me, and she was generally nice. But when this sort of status-merchant is compared in any way favourably to someone as utterly superior to her in terms of brains, wit, strength of character, appearance, and just plain desirability as my young lady, then my blood fucking boils.

So imagine my delight at finding out that having hung around second-rate wannabe rock stars her whole life because she thought they were cool, she is now in a band herself. And they’re absolutely woeful! Ah hahahaha hah haaaa! Embarrassingly, amusingly bad. Tremendous! It gladdens my heart, it really does.

Art Brut – Formed a Band
Ben Folds Five – Underground

I am not going to link to any of this, because I think that would be hugely mean and I don’t really want to make this personal. I do, after all, know I am being totally irrational here. That said, I will email you a link if you are really desperate…