Airports: Could Hell be Much Worse?
I just found out that on their way back from France, my brother and his missus were stranded in Charles de Gaulle for the best part of a day due to snow in Iceland (yes, seriously).
Now airports are bad enough, but Charles de Gaulle in Paris is absolutely one of the worst. At least in the UK people have slowly started to realise that it is not absolutely mandatory for them to resemble all the joys of a 70s council tower block staffed by recently lobotomised members of the living dead. It doesn’t make the conference centre carpet any the less depressing, nor the chairs anything less than an absolute masterpiece of anti-ergonomics. They have not one single comfortable position – not one! Mrs. Toad travels regularly in America and assures me that theirs are worse, although I haven’t seen it for myself.
But Charles de Gaulle amazes me. Given the French have such pride in their love of the good things in life, why the flying fuck is it so impossible to get a decent meal at their biggest national airport? Eh? It’s almost like they want people to arrive in Britain or even America and be grateful for the food.
And while we’re on the topic of airport stupidity, I’d be a lot more receptive to our pretence of taking national security at all seriously if we didn’t put its enforcement in the hands of our stupidest people. Nail clippers. Honestly, if you’re desperate and dangerous enough that you are capable of hijacking a plane armed only with a set of nail clippers then I seriously doubt removing them from your possession is going to make much difference. How about a thick book? Or a wooden spoon? Or caustic wit and hurtful sarcasm? Fucking retards.
I have nothing but sympathy for anyone forced to spend more than about twenty minutes in these desolate cathedrals of idiocy and depression.
The Handsome Family – All the Time in Airports
My Teenage Stride – To Live and Die in the Airport Lounge
American airports do suck, so Mrs. Toad is correct on that score. And at least nail clippers are metal and sharpish. On a recent domestic flight between DC and Phoenix I had an unopened tub of nutella confiscated (because it’s a cream, you see, and could contain some sort of liquid explosive). The poor Indian lady ahead of me in line was made to dump out about a gallon of delicious looking yoghurt. If only I’d had a spoon . . . but it was confiscated.
Next time I’m asked to dump out my water bottle in an airport I’m going to unzip my trousers and piss on the plastic patent-leather shoes of the Transportation Safety Administrator just to show my patriotism. Aaah, that bladder did feel a bit swollen, could’ve been hiding anything!
For more on that, this makes quite interesting reading.
Erm, cross posting. Readers clicking on that link for more information on C&B’s urinary tract disorders are going to be sorely disappointed. It’s about making bombs from liquids in aeroplane toilets.
Indeed, Mrs Toad is correct. JFK airport in NYC is a bloody disgrace – always has been, always will be.
Personally I will always have a soft spot for the old Warsaw airport. It’s now been replaced by a common-or-garden midsized Euro facility, but back in the day it was a long, hangar-like facility patrolled by obese soldiers stuffed sausage-like into camouflage fatigues, festooned in ammunition bandoleers (I kid you not), and carrying an awesome variety of assault rifles and shotguns.
Oh, and I was once held hostage for three days by someone wielding nowt but sarcasm and barbed retorts…
About 10 years ago I was in the Managua airport while a huge student demonstration was going on in the parking lot. I was actually watching the demonstration on CNN International in the terminal when the police arrived and started shooting into the crowd (I’m pretty sure they were rubber bullets, but still). The crowd then came indoors and started to break things, and there I stood, 6′4″ of pure slack-jawed gringo, just on the other side of the gate area. I love airports.
I’m not sure if this rule is enforced elsewhere, but in Canada the airport security rules state that you can bring on small bottles of liquid only if they are placed in zip-lock baggies.
What? Especially in light of the link you posted, how are baggies going to prevent anything?
I swear many, maybe most, of the new “security” rules have been created to give the public the impression that something is being done… make us feel safer, even if it’s all a load of crap.
Ultimately, isn’t it obvious that an airplane can never be totally safe as long as there are free-willed humans on it? The only way to make them truly secure is to rig up every passenger with a straight-jacket, catheter, feed tube and some sedatives, and then load them on like cargo.
This might have some advantages, actually. Planes would have more capacity, which would drive costs and hopefully ticket prices down. You could administer the sedatives at home, have yourself couriered to a cargo plane, then FedExed to a hotel on the other end and skip the whole airport experience entirely.
Whaddaya reckon? Sounds good, eh?
As a yearly, serial traveler, touching down & being ahem serviced in many of the world’s airports, I do have a lot of sympathy for the airport staff when they genuinely have no clue/function as to how to resolve a situation (of any magnitude, small or life-threatening) when their hands are collectively tied by airline company ‘policy’. i.e. deny everything & press the panic button if a conversation doesn’t get past repeating the first sentence after 10minutes.
They must get a fucking tsunami of inappropriate abuse from do-you-know-who-i-am’s, (yes we all get “I’m Paying Your Wages” when we don’t get OUR way, eh?) — who, by the way, are adult enough in the first place to own a passport & handle money & be able to go to places on their own without supervision (although, that is sometimes debatable), & yet still have psycho-pubfight tantrums & foot-stamp paddys when something as random as the fucking WEATHER shuts a terminus down!
Look at the dribbling idiots in London/Heathrow etc. over the festive period when fog land-locked all those flights… there was fucking uproar from the plebs who have no idea as to how to conduct themselves in public at times of delay.
Suddenly their choice to travel (at THE BUSIEST time of the year, I might add) was ruined beyond repair by the “stupid, amateur, unprofessional airlines” because of cancelled flights on the grounds of safety, i.e. no vision to safely land of take off.
I caught one knuckle-dragger, all puffed chest & pissing opinionated uneducation from all orifices, angrily jabbing at one OB news camera at Heathrow “I’ll NEVER fly with BA EVER again – they’ve ruined my Christmas”. Just when did BA or any airline get a fucking hotline to Mother Nature?
Dickbleeds like that need to be sat in a catapult & aimed at a wall of broken glass as compensation for their fucking lunatic fringe ‘Me! Me! Me!’ attitude. Idiot cunts. The lot of them.
I love traveling & love flying & I don’t mind airports one jot – I recognise the amenities are there as a commerical service & NOT a necessity or right &, even though I have been stranded in one of the worst airports in the world to get stranded in (Schipol) for over 14hours & been treated like a brain-damaged monkey by airline officials of KLM, I do understand it was my choice to take the gamble with technology & want to fly somewhere at the hands of someone else; I can therefore walk out the front door & find a decent restaurant or pub or motel. You CAN always get compensated (it is a myth that airlines are imossible to bleed for recompense – you just have to do it correctly), so there’s no excuse for check-in scream-a-thons & public embarassment.
One thing, though; I positively fucking loathe returning to the UK after a trip overseas. As soon as I touch down in the UK it’s moan moan moan moan moan moan moan from the British contingent & it really sets my teeth on edge — the British are the WORST travelers in the world & have no idea about etiquette, manners, or how to conduct themselves responsibly in an adult, social world. Harsh? Stand back one time & watch the scrum at the baggage revolver after a 14hour flight. It’s like a pack of Hyenas setting about a fresh grave for succour. Grim, it is.
Top tip #1: NEVER EVER fly KLM or any of it’s sister companies under the Skyteam umbrella, this includes AirFrance – they are all genuinely fucking appalling & seriously do not give a shit about anyone except for themselves. They have the worst record of any airline in the world for losing luggage (International AND domestic) & yet treat it like it’s YOUR fault for flying with them! Stunning fuck-knuckles the entire setup.
Top tip #2: always plan for delay. It’s the age of laptops, iPods, palm pilots, fucking BOOKS for Christsakes, so utilise them. Even if the amenities are limited (which only ever occurs at stupid o’clock or in tiny, mud hut terminals) use them & milk their space & services for all they are worth & for as long as you humanly can.
Top Tip #3: Don’t shout at people. It doesn’t help. You don’t like it happening in your job, so do them a courtesy & don’t employ your Game Face with airline staff. Get as much contact information off them as you possibly can; take down all the employee names you deal with; get the names & contacts of any other passengers on the same flight who are equally aggrieved & then wait until you’ve got home (’cause you’ll only start your trip on a bad note) until you write a letter to the Chief Executive of the controlling factor fo the airline. It works, honestly.
There, January Rant #1 over & done with.
Did I mention my resolution was to be more confrontational, rather than skittish & obscure, this year?
;o)
DC
Oh, & (sorry for going on a bit), Airport Security — working, as I do, in the area of preventative & responsive CBRN anti-terrorist security, the whole airport restricted carry-on items thing is simply a gesture. Is anyone here seriously suggesting airlines stop everything going on board as hand luggage in the hope of stopping a determined mind-wrong from attempting a mid-air coup just so then the “you can’t take a nail clipper on board, sonny” malarky be 100% justified? Of course not. It would be entirely impractical (espacially on longhaul flights) & needless.
As for the book thing, Mr. Toad, methinks you’ve been watching a little too much Bourne ;o), but you are quite right: a demented fundamental will attack a flight no matter what the restrictions to his hand luggage content.
The reason items such as nail clippers/files, etc. are not allowed, is purely a psychologically aesthetic gesture to appease the panic-happy public that the security element is present & watching every move.
Otherwise, Christ, imagine the cacophonous complaining about a fundemental lack of basic security & not enough was done to stop this madness! that would explode onto our TV screens & newspapers if someone were to down a plane using a fold-away scissor set from a needlepoint wallet…
The perfectly reasonable reason why the restricted-size liquid-based items are allowed through BUT in see-thru plastic baggies is so the security staff don’t have to root about hand lugagge when they spot something suspicious on the x-ray machine & accidentally set something off when trying to get it out.
Now, this might be a spoon-feed for most BUT the general public really have no fucking clue as to the possibilities available to anyone who would like to try & compromise a flight — therefore, airlines have a moral imperative to be seen to be at least attempting to do their level best at taking out the visual/minimal threats at source (no matter how ludicrous you may think an item is) so they can concentrate their real efforts on the sneakier bastards who steal away plastic explosives in their shoe heels etc.
Always remember, & this isn’t some stereotypical viewpoint, it’s an observed reference, the factors the security ensembles deal with are all based in highly innovative-based mindsets; anything these factions can get their hands on & re-model into a destructive implement, they will – it’s the nature of dirty terrorism; vitory by any means.
Again, though, it’s a typical British moan moan moan reaction (OK, i concede, everyone is prone to it…) to a preventative measure designed to KEEP YOU SAFE!
The reaction to this issue is exactly the same as employed for a delayed flight — never more so than when a pilot is removed from post for being drunk & the flight is grounded until a replacement has rested from his previous flight across the atlantic — the public go mental! What? Do you WANT a pissed or half-asleep pilot in charge of your life 30,000 feet above your certain grave should he fall asleep or press the wrong button?
Again, this is a simple matter of common sense & perspective — I would wager everyone would much prefer to have to buy their toiletries on the other side of the security cordon or in the place they’re headed (it’s much much cheaper there, don’t you know?) & forego manicure & pedicure vanity until they’ve landed, rather than have their remains identified using dental records & DNA equivalency comparisons. I’m fairly sure your families would prefer that also.
So, shut your moaning.
Rant #2 over & done with.
DC
Gosh. Erm, OK, they can have the nutella then.
Wow! What a first-class pair of intelligent rants. Good on ya, DC. My eyebrows feel singed. That was like biting into a spicy pepper or taking a shot of overproof tequila. (those being things I would regard as fun, just to be clear)
If I read you right, you essentially confirmed my point, that the “security” measures are there simply to create the feeling of safety. Your further observation – that these cosmetic measures help keep the public calm so that real security work can be concentrated elsewhere – was insightful. A sort of security leger de main! Cool.
I haven’t actually read any of this yet, but let me just say… er, wow. Turn my back on you loonies for an evening and all hell breaks loose.
Still, at least I have something to help me procrastinate all the way up to elevenses on my first morning back at work…
Airports are soulless places. I don’t know whether it’s worse leaving from them or arriving in them. For me, the ultimate ‘this sucks’ experiecne has to be leaving Ben gurion airport in Israel, where they go ballistic if they discover you have spoken to any Arabs (FACT: It happened to me on two separate occasions).
Happy new year, Mr. Toad, hope all is well with you and the missis.
Ed
*zoinks*
Did I really vent thatmuch? Jesus, apologies Mr. T. I was a little sleep deprived last night, so that in some tiny way goes toeards explaining the runaway train.
Mentok – they are indeed cosmetic BUT they do also whittle out potential threats; either way the public is securely clamped to the teat.
DC
I am not trying to defend people in airports. They are dismal, bovine fuckwits whose very presence makes me want to curl up and die on the spot out of sheer desperation. I love the frantic queuing best myself, all for the privilege of, erm, standing in another queue five yards further on.
Personally, I loathe airports, I hate being on planes and I despise the whole, horrible experience. Hence I want it all to be over as quickly as possible so I can put it out of my mind as soon as I can. This means I never cause hassle at airports as, quite frankly, this would get in the way of Goal 1, as stated above.
But sorry DC, while I appreciate where you’re coming from, there are a few contradictions in there. Firstly you’re saying that the nail clippers thing is pure pantomime, then that it’s pointless because dangerous people can be quite dangerous enough with just their fists and fanaticism, and then that it’s done out of fear – the ‘what if?’ answer.
When we get down to the level of nail clippers, it is just being silly. Everyone knows this. You could as easily hold up an aeroplane with a well-wielded belt, or a proclivity for nutting people really fucking hard.
Consequently, as a pantomime for making people think they are being protected it just doesn’t work. It irritates the shit out of people because it is patently obvious to everyone – the owner and the confiscator – that it is just plane (sorry) silly. This means that the punter gets irritated, the security chappy can’t say anything, and basically just generates needless conflict. Especially when the security people will not actually talk to you at all, bar repeating meaningless catchphrases. That, justifiably, really winds people up. Hire people you can trust to communicate. If you can’t, then don’t expect me to treat them with reverence, if you can’t even accord them basic respect.
The same applies to that ludicrous ban on certain bottles of water. It makes no difference to safety, and everyone involved knows this. All it does is antagonise people on both sides, for no reason at all.
Basically, it makes airport security look like even more of a sham than it already did – it actually makes it look like the people running the show have no idea what they are doing and no idea what they are looking for. As you say, terrorists are resourceful, creative people, so this is probably for the most part true, with no insult to the people involved. But communicating this so clearly to the general public through transparently meaningless security pantomimes is just needless, and does nothing but help to create those god-awful shouting matches you hate so much. And I hate. And we all hate. Which is why most people hate airports.
And the ‘you choose to fly’ business just doesn’t wash at all. The industry is providing a service in exchange for money, the same as any other industry, and when they are doing it badly, then people have every right to be annoyed. If it was free, and if there were comparable options for visiting far off lands, then that argument would wash.
And who said anything about decent amenities being a right? CDG having crap amenities is what makes it a shitty airport. The little champagne bars at places like Edinburgh and Heathrow and so on make them better airports. As do a few decent bookshops. I am not making demands to some imagined right, I am just amazed that in a place like Paris no-one has seen this as enough of an opportunity to address.
I am not at all unsympathetic to some of the sillier rules. I didn’t mention, for example, the tedious nonsense of being asked to turn off an mp3 player in case it crashes the whole plane. Nowadays I assume this is to stop unqualified cabin crew from having to distinguish between dumb and smart devices. But I was once, in the days of the cassette walkman, asked to turn my walkman off during takeoff. Why? Can my walkman really crash a plane? Are we that vulnerable? What bollocks. If they’re really that dangerous, confiscate them. If they’re not, then fuck off! ‘So you can hear safety announcements’? Like what? ‘We’re going down, people, kiss your asses goodbye.’
When I started on this, about sympathy for my brother and his missus for their flight bother, it was not in some huge criticism of airlines for cancelling flights to a snow-bound airport – of course there’s nothing they can do about it. It was out of compassion for having to spend time in the desolate wasteland that is CDG. You’ve checked in, you can’t go anywhere, you’re waiting to board and all you get is an announcement every hour or so that the flight is going to be further delayed. And eight hours later it’s finally cancelled. Can you imagine a more depressing way to spend the last day of your holiday? It’s not a question of ‘how dare they not find a way’, it’s a statement of ‘oh how incredibly shit for you’.
Er, I actually like airplanes & airports. I like the whole coming-and-going thing, serendipitous intersections of journeys, and random, enlightening encounters (not THOSE kinds, Mentok!!). I recently had a most pleasant chance meeting in Toronto’s Pearson Airport with an agronomist from St Lucia. He was on his way to Montreal for a UN conference on biosecurity, I was on my way back to Vancouver from New York. We had a very rich conversation for forty minutes over sandwiches by Gate Twentysomething. Another time I sat next to a Kosovar on his way to Canada to raise funds for The Cause. On yet another flight I conversed with an Afghan man who was bringing his family over to the US after many years in a Pakistani refugee camp. Sure I’ve had my share of boredom and frustration, but I always look forward to the potential and opportunities afforded by air travel.
But since we’re griping, how’s this: on the outward leg of the aforementioned Toronto-New York trip, my flight was canceled after I went through security and US immigration (aside: for those unfamiliar with the drill, when traveling from Toronto or Vancouver to the US one clears US passport control in the Canadian airport). Since I’d technically left Canada, I had to claim my baggage then clear both Canadian customs and passport control. I then was directed back to The White Phone in Departures, and a disembodied voice told me on which flight I had been rescheduled. Then it was back to the check-in queue, back through security, and back to those nice American immigration folks. It was so much fun, I did it all again when the subsequent flight was also canceled. Hooray!! But even then I met some interesting folks in my various queues and had some jolly good conversations.
I’m sorry Mr. T., but you’re just coming across as another in a long line of angry for angry sake on this one; all “I want it now & I want it my way” & not at all seeing the wider angle.
As a result I’m keeping this as brief as possible in order to draw a line under things from my point of view. I will also pull rank slightly (I don’t like doing it & I feel & sound like a schenky old tosser for doing so, but needs must) & say I do know what I am talking about &, by dint, far more than most standard traveling sorts, what with coming from a background of counter-terrorism. There was a tiny clue in my previous missive, but I fear t’was too titchy to become of noteworthy attention.
Anyway. I didn’t think I would have to explain any of this stuff in detail, but clearly one must.
There is a perfectly reasonable reasoning for everything regarding the security issues & that is simply the bigger picture is one of psychological gameplay.
You might think that by confiscating your toothpick or Appeltise might do fuck all for you or your passenger’s safety when up in the clouds, but it rapidly & succinctly diverts the public’s attention – whether positive or negative, it don’t matter just as long as people are meercating in the direction ‘they’ want them to.
Why do you think reports of anti-terrorist dawn raids & busts going wrong get so much detailed coverage in the press? Because under the surface the real anti-terrorism work is being carried out. While the gen. pub. were all hysterical about the guy who got accidentally shot on the stairs by the anti-terrorist police, then had his entire family put up in a luxury hotel room, while a blind eye was turned to a computer crammed with kiddie porn because ‘enough damage had already been done’, the real & actual counter terrorism activity was out of sight & stopping that mad fucker blowing up the tube under the Thames with fertilizer. We all looked that way while they produced the rabbit from under their coat tail.
It’s all about distraction. Hence your confusion re: Firstly you’re saying that the nail clippers thing is pure pantomime, then that it’s pointless because dangerous people can be quite dangerous enough with just their fists and fanaticism, and then that it’s done out of fear – the ‘what if?’ answer. You’re quite right, it’s ALL of them & more. See?
As for the confiscation of such items in the first place – the ban is in place. It has been for a good number of years now. Live with it or don’t fucking fly.
We, as an intelligent species, have to deal with it, regardless of why it is there & how much we may consider it pointless. Why, then, do some fuckwits insist on ‘forgetting’ or ignoring it exists & then getting all cuntish about it because they believe their dollar is worth far more than the rights of some perceived brain-dump simply doing their job?
It’s like people’s reactions to Traffic Wardens & Speed Cameras. The law/ban/rule exists, the penalties are well documented, yet a lot of shitlickers STILL think they are immune & when they discover they are not they go ballistic. i.e. attacking the status quo because of their lack of conformity. Which, I may say, sounds a little 1984 but I merely mean some people break rules because they are fucking stupid.
Liquids – regardless of what sort – are not allowed over a certain size because of the capacity to mix explosives with quantity. It’s that simple. Please don’t tell me you don’t understand that? I genuinely, genuinely do not understand anyone who might feel obliged to throw down a tantrum if they can’t take their warm, bottled water with them through the security checkpoint. Same with perfume, toothpaste, suntan oil, moisturiser, whatever.
As for the shouting matches, well, that’s plainly bollocks isn’t it? People may be capable of publicly expressing their spectrum of reactionary hate but, fuck me, does that make it alright then? I know I know how to conduct myself in a public environment, but crucially I know I won’t win an argument against someone who has smallprint that states I can easily be ejected from the premises/flight &/or be arrested should their mood so command such a reaction to me being a cunt in their face because the pilot refuses to take off because he is afraid of dying & taking 350 people with him.
I’m sorry, but it IS ultimately the individual’s choice/liability/hard fucking luck no matter how much money has exchanged hands. It’s all there in the small print of everything. Much in the same way as it is with Taxi Drivers – you can’t blame them because the traffic is heavy or you’re wanting to get through rush hour in 10 minutes when it takes an hour. It is simply not reasonable to complain to someone else about your choice of mode of transport when something out of their control delays your arrival at your proposed destination. Fair enough if an airline, out of the blue, decided to cancel all flights & send all their cabin crew to Alton Towers for the day because it was sunny. But that never happens. Just because you’ve paid money for something doesn’t mean you can automatically become a cunt when things don’t go appropriately.
Whereas I agree that it’s nice to have distracting, brightly lit corners of sense-heightening activity at airports (you know, like painting jail cell walls yellow to stimulate the mood), but the truth of the matter is most of them don’t.
Ever been to the soul eating/shitting out/eating again Miami International Airport? It’s just a corridor of clasp-together seats in a grey, non-echoey sports hall. Fucking dismal. The first time I flew from there I was caught out – no restaurant or snack bar or bar or drinks machine or anything. Some random guy I was talking to about being hungry asked “What? You didn’t check the airport out before you left?”
See? The internet is quite a useful tool on the odd occasion. I mean, we wouldn’t just book a random hotel, in a foriegn country, on the strength that it’s called a hotel & therefore must mean it’s excellent. O, hang on. Most people who book package holidays through Thomas Cook do that, don’t they?
Seriously, though, why must it always be someone else’s responsibility to supply us with the easy ride/good time?
By the way, I wasn’t saying ‘you’ personally were making demands – I was using the Royal you throughout each lecture. & I do have a lot of sympathy for your brother — not being able to know or control your immediate future is hard to take, especially stranded in what is essentially one big conveyor belt.
My biggest beef is with your gen. pub.’s expectations exceeding the remit. A bit of calm, a bit of sense & a bit of forethought are all that’s needed to get through the traumatising experience of traveling via an airport.
But, if it is still too much & makes you want to cut your own cock off with a pair of crinkle-cut scissors either stay at home or buy a ticket for a boat.
DC
So what you’re really saying, DC, is that the security services don’t know what they’re doing, but they’ve got some stuff they’re trying to figure out, so they want everyone to have a straw man to kick while they go about it in peace, am I correct?
The point that I am trying to make is that this straw man is not being very useful if all it does is cause more problems. The problem is not with the nail clippers, per se, because they are a defined item that everyone knows is a threat to freedom, but I have on occasion carried things that in retrospect are far more dangerous than nail clippers, perfectly innocuous household objects too, that no-one batted an eyelid about.
This not only gives the impression, accurate I think, that the people on the gates are not actually processing information any more than your average toaster, and not evaluating actual danger in the slightest. It also gives the impression that the people who define the search terms have no idea what they’re looking for. Surely this is more scary than looser carry-on rules?
It is also incredibly antagonistic because the decisions on the undefined household objects that may or may not be dangerous are both unpredictable and inconsistent. This is a perfect recipe for creating conflict, especially when added to the fact that security personnel never interact, they just repeat phrases like automatons. So basically, it is specifically designed to create arguments. I am not defending people who, knowing the rules, behave like they don’t apply to them and then have an tantrum on being informed that, actually, they do.
But having designed a system as misdirection that a/ makes people feel less safe and b/ is clearly going to generate rows, I think ‘the system’ (and as a layman I have no idea if it’s the coppers, the airport, the airlines or Gordon Ramsay who makes these decisions) must bear a lot of responsibility.
The other thing I have an issue with is this idea that ‘if you don’t like it, don’t fly’ is a reasonable argument. It’s not applicable. I always avoid flying where I can, because the whole process is tortuous, and I am at the mercy of supermarket security guards most of whom are perfectly nice, but who I wouldn’t trust as bouncers at a bingo hall.
But I have family in France, The Ukraine and Boston who I have to visit. There are vague alternatives, but you can’t say that taking an extra day and spending three times the money to take the train to where my folks live in France is actually a reasonable alternative. And Boston? The Ukraine? There are no alternatives. None. Not even vaguely practical ones.
So I am roped into air travel, and it is expensive. And if I am paying money I have no right to complain that the airport is iced over and hence the plane can’t fly, and I have no right to complain that there is a mechanical fault with the plane, which happened on our way out to France, and that they had to therefore find a replacement.
But airport taxes and all that are part of the ticket, so anyone who flies is as entitled to complain about shoddy facilities and stupidly designed processes, every bit as much as you are entitled to complain if you buy a piece of kitchen equipment and it doesn’t work properly. Except with the kitchen equipment you have a choice. With airports you do not.
I am only pressing you on this because you said (and I did pick up on it the first time) that you know what you’re talking about in this area. From my side, even though I don’t row with people, shove everything in the hold and walk on with just a book if I possibly can, I see a system that seems as tailor made to produce annoyance and conflict as it could be. And I appreciate that this may simply be a method of getting people to look away and think about something else, but if that’s all you’re calling it, it seems a bit rich to complain when people get annoyed.
Oh, and DC, I am not trying to have a go at you personally here, nor to be deliberately controversial. I know it is a bloody hard, if not impossible job, but from the purely layman’s point of view I see a group of people who appear to have little idea what they are really doing but who, out of fear of consequences and culpability, do pretty much anything that randomly springs to mind with such belligerent unresponsiveness that I feel really quite nervous at being in their hands. I genuinely am interested in what’s going on.
You seem to be saying that the people we deal with do more or less whatever they please because it makes little difference, but it at least distracts everyone from interfering in the real work. In which case, can’t they do what they do with a little less glassy-eyed hostility?
As the ones who’s delay caused this horrible internet scuffle in the first place may I chip in delicately.
The airline, after keeping us in limbo for six hours did refuse to pay for a hotel. Were I not married this would have meant sleeping on the floor. I’m not sure if you can even do that in airports anymore. Which means sleeping at the station in town from the airport. Sure you can say plan ahead in terms of time and expense but then people have to cut holidays short(already in short supply) and budget more money. This lands air travel squarely out of the hands of working class people. But what the hell, there is no advantage to working class people leaving the country.
Also interesting point about ‘don’t shout’, as I only made it to Mr. Toads wedding when my wife and I played good cop bad cop with the airline. They were trying to bump us back a day and shouting was the only way to get through. Sad but true. If you are nice airlines and security do have a habit of shitting on you.
Take your point about staff though. I bristled once because a carry-on bag I took one way suddenly had to be checked on the way back. Before I could open my mouth the lady looked all soulful and said “i know. they change the regulation twice a week. I’m really sorry’. I don’t want to be in their shoes.
None the less six hours with nothing but a cold triangle sandwich and ritter sport is a bit rough. And there are services in Charles De Gaul, they just don’t let you near them if you fly from the shitty terminals.
I also, like my brother, do have to fly. You see he had made me six mix cd’s and I live in America. I needed to hear the tunes…
I still like airports.
And I still like spicy peppers and tequila.
Hey, waiddaminnit. Don’t you see what he’s doing? He’s trying to distract us with the ongoing controversy.
What are you really up to, DC?
I know – my brother got confused with ‘Ben Young – International Criminal Mastermind’ when he was getting his green card for the States. Now I think we have Song, by Toad’s very own Secret Squirrel on the books. At the risk of igniting a new Valerie Plame scandal, I think we have a dark horse on our hands here.
Who knows what dastardly things he may be plotting!
You’re quite right, of course, Mr. T. but I didn’t say the airport security personnel/stop & search procedures are perfect or are 100% on top of things – they’re simply doing their best under very heavy, ill-informed scrutiny from a public that want perfection well beyond any ability to provide as much in a continually evolving environment. & when something goes wrong it’s the same public who scream at them that they didn’t do enough.
I was simply stating the reason these things exist & that they do exist for a very good reason. You may think they don’t a&effect or prevent anything untoward happening, but believe me they do & have & continue to do so. Most don’t see it, because they are too busy complaining they are being treated like animals, which is why you/they/most have the opinions you/they/most have.
What people are mistaking for SECURITY is the physical presence of the uniformed men & women staffing the x-ray machines — these may happily consider themselves security personnel, but they are not the policy makers; they simply perform whatever function they are directed to do so by their heads of department based on procedure informed by daily intel & the state of the security of the country as a whole. It’s not as straightforward as that, but I have simplified it for the sake of ease of explanation.
What you have is, at best, a best practice procedure in the face of insurmountable odds. The trouble is the General Public & its lack of compassion & understanding in such situations. They simply think it’s a personal affront/attack on their way of life/freedom/whatever & do not regard the wider picture. All they do (see above comments) is point out flaws & take what they consider to be the moral high ground, rather than think ooh, hang on… I guess I should be a little more flexible &, above all, vigilant in these rather trying times & let people get on with doing the best they can in their jobs without butting in.
Of course there are contradictions in terms of what can & can’t be taken on board but getting all ‘a-ha-haaaaa!’ about it is a little bit weak, don’t you think? What they (& I have to clarify this is a UK ‘they’ not a worldwide ‘they’) have done is drawn up a list of standard carry on items that are considered to potentially pose a risk. Other objects, random objects, are usually dealt with on an individual basis when they arise at the security area — most are picked up & confiscated, some are not considered a risk, some are missed entirely. I can’t account for why either way, so won’t even try. All I know is I wouldn’t want to be doing any of those frontline jobs because they rarely receive any respect/sanity from the public.
As for the Agent Cody Banks status – nothing so glamorous or exciting I’m afraid. I am loosely defined as an ahem expert in emergency/hostile environments & the survival therein/of; specialising, to a degree, in escape & evasion, & CBRN (Chemical, Biological, Radiological & Nuclear) detection / response / counter measures. i.e. counter terrorism + domestic/homeland security, amongst other ’survival/safety’ areas under a fairly broad remit.
I (i.e. through the company that employs me) work with both UK & USA & EU military, homeland security & police forces, as well as a whole bunch of departments/organisations normal people would never ever know about. We also work closely with all the NGOs (Non Governmental Organisations)/Humanitarian Aid Agencies (UN/WFP/WHO/ICRC/etc) on disaster response/relief/preparation. &, finally, as a nice cheeky aside I get to be chummy with the likes of Ray Mears & Bear Grylls & a whole host of other survivalists.
DC
I for one love flying, I like airports, I respect the rules in airports & understand why some of the more difficult to palate rules exist. I fly internationally & domestically at least 10 times a year & I witness arseholes on every trip who have no respect whatsoever for the airline staff, their very difficult job & the security issues involved in securing such huge compendiums of commerce such as an airport.
All I see is arguing for argument’s sake because, well, goes the argument, that’s how the human machine is built & why not exercise that ability?
I’m at a loss as to why people get so annoyed with airports – the procedure for air travel is hugely simple (even simpler these days since on-line check-in exists for most major airlines), their guidelines are availble on websites & you can ask people what the rules/restrictions are on the telephone; all over the airport before you check in & as you go through security there are signs telling you you cannot send stuff through
That sounds much more fun than colouring in.
Cunt.
OK, now that the books are closed on this debate, just for giggles I decided to run a few tallies on the use of words:
Fuck 23
Shit 8
Stupid 5
Cunt 5
Piss 3
Idiot 2
Suck 2
Bastard 1
And yet, for all of that, it was an entirely cheerful, intelligent debate amongst people who (I think) more or less like or at least tolerate each other.
What fun! A couple years ago I succeeded in thoroughly pissing off a fellow blogger b/c I jokingly called him a “doity bastid”. May I say you fellows are a much more genial lot
Fuck off Mentok.
Yeh, you cunt.
And a ratty old growler.
Hey – that one’s mine!
I don’t see your name written on it. Feel a bit like the Hollies now, do we?
No. I feel like a Greek man on London transport. I hear the snapping of rubber gloves everywhere I turn.