Scarlett Johansson Needs a Good Fucking Slap

Scarlett Will Fuck For Food

Scarlett Johansson is making an album of Tom Waits covers, as I am sure you are all aware (I am not linking to it – download it illegally by all means, but I will be really pissed off if any of you actually part with any wedge for this garbage).  I haven’t really mentioned it that much on these pages because Tom Waits is an icon, and I am not sure that vanity projects like these particularly merit all that much attention to begin with.

But here it is, and it’s fucking dreadful.

Why Tom Waits, seriously? What does she think she is going to add by throwing a bit of pointless karaoke over someone else’s arrangements of songs that are so far beyond her that you almost marvel at the Olympic feat of hubris required to even consider the project.

Everybody knows Waits is a genius.  Lots and lots of people love his work, but this sort of nonsense is the equivalent of jumping up and down in front of the camera when someone is trying to interview a musician and shouting ‘Me too, I love him too, look at me everyone, see this really talented person, well I think he’s really talented, I do, me, me me me’.  We do not need to see Tom Waits through your eyes Scarlett.  If you’d sit down and shut the fuck up we are quite capable of operating a CD player ourselves.

I wouldn’t, of course, be feeling quite this hostile if the results had been any good, but they aren’t, they’re rotten.  Her video for Falling Down is here, and it’s woeful.  Apart from the joyless shoegazey arrangement – for which someone needs a very public buggering – the quality of her singing is just dismal, and herein lies the crux of the issue.  And funnily enough it isn’t just that these are crap Waits covers.  Let’s face it, there are plenty of sub-standard Waits covers out there, and homage is part of art.  This isn’t art though, it’s a vanity project.  If you have any doubts about this ask yourself one question: on its own merits, just a musical project, is there any chance that this record would be in the shops if Scarlett didn’t have the semen of half of Hollywood dribbling down the inside of her thigh?  Thought not.

What it’s really about is that for the good of the human race’s collective cultural soul someone, somewhere needed to say no.  And this is the problem with celebrity culture.  For some unfathomable reason people seem to think that being famous is something to be applauded, celebrated, envied and pandered to.  No-one ever seems to think to turn around to these pampered, preening popinjays and say ‘Sorry love, I’m sure the album would be interesting, but the fact is you’re shit at singing’.  It’s not in anyone’s interests of course, because some twat somewhere will make the thing, and having Scarlett whip her baps out a couple of times and flash that ‘If you like my record I might just blow you’ smile guarantees that the thing will sell.

Human beings’ capacity for deluding themselves that they are in some way special or talented is pathetic, quite frankly.  We are fucking average, almost every single one of us.  That, if you care to look it up, is what average means and no amount of inner-enlightenment, validation, vanity, positive thinking or toadying is going to make a jot of difference to the fact that we are all fucking ordinary.  Get the fuck over it.  The only thing Scarlett Johansson is any good at at all is having really big breasts.  What a towering achievement – she must be very proud.

This is how you cover Tom Waits:
Holly Cole – Falling Down
Holly Cole – Soldier’s Things
Still not a patch on the real thing though:
Tom Waits – Falling Down

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