Song, by Toad

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Scarlett Johansson Needs a Good Fucking Slap

Scarlett Will Fuck For Food

Scarlett Johansson is making an album of Tom Waits covers, as I am sure you are all aware (I am not linking to it – download it illegally by all means, but I will be really pissed off if any of you actually part with any wedge for this garbage).  I haven’t really mentioned it that much on these pages because Tom Waits is an icon, and I am not sure that vanity projects like these particularly merit all that much attention to begin with.

But here it is, and it’s fucking dreadful.

Why Tom Waits, seriously? What does she think she is going to add by throwing a bit of pointless karaoke over someone else’s arrangements of songs that are so far beyond her that you almost marvel at the Olympic feat of hubris required to even consider the project.

Everybody knows Waits is a genius.  Lots and lots of people love his work, but this sort of nonsense is the equivalent of jumping up and down in front of the camera when someone is trying to interview a musician and shouting ‘Me too, I love him too, look at me everyone, see this really talented person, well I think he’s really talented, I do, me, me me me’.  We do not need to see Tom Waits through your eyes Scarlett.  If you’d sit down and shut the fuck up we are quite capable of operating a CD player ourselves.

I wouldn’t, of course, be feeling quite this hostile if the results had been any good, but they aren’t, they’re rotten.  Her video for Falling Down is here, and it’s woeful.  Apart from the joyless shoegazey arrangement – for which someone needs a very public buggering – the quality of her singing is just dismal, and herein lies the crux of the issue.  And funnily enough it isn’t just that these are crap Waits covers.  Let’s face it, there are plenty of sub-standard Waits covers out there, and homage is part of art.  This isn’t art though, it’s a vanity project.  If you have any doubts about this ask yourself one question: on its own merits, just a musical project, is there any chance that this record would be in the shops if Scarlett didn’t have the semen of half of Hollywood dribbling down the inside of her thigh?  Thought not.

What it’s really about is that for the good of the human race’s collective cultural soul someone, somewhere needed to say no.  And this is the problem with celebrity culture.  For some unfathomable reason people seem to think that being famous is something to be applauded, celebrated, envied and pandered to.  No-one ever seems to think to turn around to these pampered, preening popinjays and say ‘Sorry love, I’m sure the album would be interesting, but the fact is you’re shit at singing’.  It’s not in anyone’s interests of course, because some twat somewhere will make the thing, and having Scarlett whip her baps out a couple of times and flash that ‘If you like my record I might just blow you’ smile guarantees that the thing will sell.

Human beings’ capacity for deluding themselves that they are in some way special or talented is pathetic, quite frankly.  We are fucking average, almost every single one of us.  That, if you care to look it up, is what average means and no amount of inner-enlightenment, validation, vanity, positive thinking or toadying is going to make a jot of difference to the fact that we are all fucking ordinary.  Get the fuck over it.  The only thing Scarlett Johansson is any good at at all is having really big breasts.  What a towering achievement – she must be very proud.

This is how you cover Tom Waits:
Holly Cole – Falling Down
Holly Cole – Soldier’s Things
Still not a patch on the real thing though:
Tom Waits – Falling Down

59 witty ripostes to Scarlett Johansson Needs a Good Fucking Slap

  1. avatar

    well said mr.toad…human being’s capacity for self-congratulatory, i-need-to-feel-important, bullshit is quite, quite shocking…the audacity miss johansson displays, the bloody vanity she happily waves in our faces is quite, quite wrong…i, however, am a chimpanzee and i am a star, a fu*king, massive, great oak of a star…god bless x

  2. avatar

    Is that technically spam, then?

  3. avatar
    Campfires & Battlefields

    Sheesh. You’ve actually made me feel sorry for the poor lass. I shudder to think what you’ll say when Lindsey Lohan’s reworking of “The Boatman’s Call” hits the shelves.

  4. avatar

    I respect Lyndsay’s work actually.

    How she isn’t yet dead of a sexually transmitted infection of some sort is nothing short of a scientific miracle. She should be studied.

  5. avatar

    Lindsey, like Ulrika Johnssen, is a highly accessible star. Embrace her, everyone else has.

    Scarlet once agreed to have dinner with Tom Cruise, this greatly undermines any credibility she ever had. Jordan has big jugs too but they wouldn’t even let her do Eurovision nevermind Waits.

  6. avatar

    I have been awaiting your verdict on this one Mr. Toad. Per usual, you do not disappoint ;-)

  7. avatar

    Toad, I’ve simply shunned the whole notion of this ‘project’. Somehow, although I think it’s purely because of the possibility he might get to smell her lady stench whilst in her raw animal ‘peforming’ state as they share a duet mic, rather than the integrity – HA! – of the association, she’s managed to drag Bowie in for some stuff too. She might have big tits but she does fuck all to rouse even the slightest twitch in my unfussy cock. The thought of her singing, let alone murdering Waits, only serves to suck the thing even deeper into my pelvic cavity.

    Somebody introduce her to Winehouse, please?

  8. avatar

    The problem really is the cynicism of it (on behalf of whatever label it is, who just can’t lose), and the deluded vanity (on behalf of her, imagining she has anything at all to contribute).

    I am not sure which whiff is the fishier.

  9. avatar

    Propbably her growler.

  10. avatar

    I was so excited by writing that a fecking typo crept in. Balls.

  11. avatar

    Aye, and you said the lass does nothing for you.

  12. avatar

    I have really big breasts…does that qualify me for a Waitsian recording session with the Toad then?? ;o)

  13. avatar

    1) Toad, I meant the excitedness that came about due to the razor wit

    2) Divinyl, only if you Touch Yorself at the same time.

    See? It’s pouring out of me now. I’m on a roll.

    Here all week.

  14. avatar

    Filth, DC…pure filth!

  15. avatar

    Jesus Christ. Pop out for a quick meal with the missus and return to this sort of tawdry nonsense. Pull yourselves together, both of you.

    Actually Divinyl, if you have large breasts and you swallow why stop with Song, by Toad Records? That seems about all the qualifications you need for a deal with pretty much any of the major labels these days. Or indeed a role in a movie about 21st Century urban malaise set in, say Tokyo perhaps.

  16. avatar

    This is sort of the musical equivalent of taking an instant Polaroid of the Mona Lisa and hanging in an art gallery with the caption “Look what I did”.

  17. avatar

    Oh dear…I’m so not going to get into the whole lesbian sex ed shebang. Suffice to say that swallowing doesn’t come into it…at least not very often! But I am going to Tokyo in October…perhaps I could tout for a place in a sequel such as, I don’t know, Translation Regained??

  18. avatar

    Oh, I don’t know, her breasts aren’t that big.. and she is dare I say it rather attractive, but no. Singing? NO..

    She should stick to the market of “introducing my own fragrance” or ” my new line of stylish clothing for the common people” thing that is so popular with celeb totty.

  19. avatar

    But I am going to Tokyo in October…perhaps I could tout for a place in a sequel such as, I don’t know, Translation Regained??

    How about ‘Translate This, Bitch’. I’m sure you could come up with a critical assessment of her artistic merits that she could work on translating that would be quite suitable.

    Or indeed, Brian, just fucking right off altogether.

  20. avatar

    I don’t see the problem here. I love Tom Waits. I could grow to love Scarlett Johansson……what’s not to like???!!

  21. avatar

    Poor karaoke is the problem. Rotten musical reinterpretations and a lifeless voice. Plenty of people do Waits karaoke, but the only reason this is out in the public domain is because she is an actress, because the musical merit alone would never have carried it.

    With proper artists out there vying for a little attention, this gets on my tits a bit.

  22. avatar

    Was only joking – but at the same time, Mr Waits has let it get out there and that’s not like him. Plus, I very much doubt many true Tom Waits fans will be knocking down the doors of record stores to get their hands on a copy of this album.

  23. avatar

    That’s the bit that confused me a little as well – he could presumably have said no. Mind you, and artist that continually makes value judgments on who is and isn’t allowed to cover their material would quickly get a reputation for being a bit of a dick. And besides, you do sometimes get good versions from quite unpromising people. It’s the people who never told the trollop that she couldn’t fucking sing who get to me.

  24. avatar

    Well said. I lost any respect for her as an actress after she slagged off the script of Ghost World – after having filmed it – having completely missed the irony in it. Silly cow.

  25. avatar

    At least she’s helping us direct attention to Holly Cole’s superior Waits cover album, Temptation. :)

  26. avatar

    Hey! That’s spam!

    At least it would be if I didn’t agree with you entirely.

  27. avatar

    Also, did anyone else notice that all the Americans in ‘Lost in Translation’ were three dimensional and complex characters, and the Japanese all acted like they were the Japanese guy from Bugs Bunny/Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

    More reasons to dislike Ms. Johansson.

  28. avatar

    That’s not her fault, that’s Sofia fucking Coppola. Need we say more. But that is hardly rare in any nation’s movies. Americans in anything by Working Title, for example. Or Italians in, erm, most Italian movies in fact.

  29. avatar

    Who is Tom Waits???

  30. avatar

    You’d not have heard of him JC. Before your time.

  31. avatar

    If we’re talking about not being able to sing, them Mr Waits is a prime candidate. But with his croaky wheezy voice it’s hardly a surprise that a bleedin’ Toad likes it!

  32. avatar

    He has an odd voice, but it is plenty rich enough and if you notice, he never ever fails to hit his note. So not to everyone’s taste I’ll admit, but technically he can really sing, if you listen.

  33. avatar
    JelizaRose

    Hello,

    I don t know why but these days, there is this crazy tendency to denigrate. Everything. Scepticism is the new chic, it seems. I mean, it the weapon of the typical snobbish/indie dude. There is obviously some unbelievable shit out there made by actresses-turned- singers, but please, Scarlett’s record is nothing like a bubblegum pop piece of crap ! Everybody waited for this kind of stuff, but what she got is waaaay different : she does not hope to sell anything, she does not need money or anything like that, she just wanted to make something she could be proud of. Very low-key, like her lifestyle, by the way (nothing to do with brainless bitches the likes of Lindsay and Co, some of the comments up there are completely of of the point) And i am pretty sure you did not see any of her movies, because she is a CRAZY GOOD actress. She has that cigarette voice and decided to make something of it, what is the problem? I agree with you when you say that everybody is so average. but some people ARE NOT average. They love to work, they make good choices and take smart decisions. what’s wrong with you? Why can’t she be cute, smart and a good singer too?
    I am sorry by the way if my english is not perfect, I am a french reader of yours

  34. avatar

    Hmm, I will admit you make some good points, certainly.

    1- This is not bubblegum pop, and is well above pretty much anything (except perhaps Zooey Deschanel) produced by actresses who have had a go at singing for while.
    2- I don’t think she is doing this for the money by any means – as you rightly say, it’s hardly like she needs it.
    3- Her lifestyle has indeed been low key recently, but even up to a year ago she was porking her way through Hollywood for quite a while. Not that we all haven’t had crazy years, but she hasn’t been quiet for that long.

    But I have to disagree on a few things.

    1- She has an awful, lifeless voice and the songs she has chosen are not easy ones she might be able to get away with. She is not capable of singing these songs and I think it shows, badly.
    2- On musical merit alone, this album would never have been made.

    Are we meeting vaguely in the middle here, or am I still an indie snob? Actually, I suppose I probably am an indie snob anyway, but I honestly don’t criticise things in order to be superior. If I think something is crap, I say so.

  35. avatar
    JelizaRose

    Hey, I agree with you for Zooey Deschanel :-)
    This is funny because this girl sings really great but on the other side she is trying too hard to create that indie queen aesthetic, such as “i am just playing a few venues ON PURPOSE so that our band remains, like, hard to catch, and so that we can create a myth about it”. BUT OK , I agree, that has nothing to do with Scarlett.
    I appreciate your reply, and i don’t feel like you are trying to be superior or act like the typical indie snob. I just thought your post was really harsh and biased by the fact that you see her first as a random girl, and second, as an opportunist. We’ll never know what she really is, so let’s move on.
    I don t agree with you with the voice, but I know that my judgement is altered by the monumental fact that i really like her voice in her movies. Personal tastes counts in this case…And I dont think we have to ask us, what would have happened IF she was not this famous actress. You are right, she took advantage of the fact that she is famous, and without that, maybe the record would not have been made, for material reasons or lack of networking for instance. You are right, she is not a singer.
    BUT she has some qualities I think, and the first one is to be able to make such an honest move into the music industry without pretending anything. I don t think she is a genius or anything, but she tried to make a tribute to Waits and she could afford it, so that’s it ! We don t have to see that as the record of the century, but just as a bunch of sincere songs that shows a lady with good musical taste.
    Maybe you are too much of a Waits fan to appreciate that somebody as random as a blonde actress dares to cover him. and i can understand that :-)

  36. avatar

    I actually thinks shes does a good job, why is it that actors seem to have this unwritten rule that they are not able to sing aswell. Shes a beautiful girl with a decent voice. She clearly respects Waits because he write amazing music, it could be worse, she could be covering MC Hammer’s hits, or giving a go at doing Jason Donovan justice.
    The production is also brilliant, Sitek has done a fantastic job aswell as the Zinner help and Bowie help, it makes for interesting listening.
    Russell Crowe, Bruce Willis and Lindsay Lohan this is not, she has a good voice and tremendous taste. She deserves respect for even liking Waits, when she is part of a mainstream, media driven industry, she seems to be doing something that she wants to do, which should probably be celebrated.

  37. avatar

    I can’t wait to listen to it now. I had no interest before but now it’s like not looking at an accident in the motorway…

  38. avatar

    Oh my word yes. I reckon this is typical of her though – I think she’s all about the vanity, and the “I can do whatever I like” attiude, regardless of the consequences. She’s best friends (and I use that term loosely) with Woody Allen for god’s sake – a pioneer in the field of “take what you like, even if it’s morally corrupt.” However, I do think we should applaud the poor girl’s efforts to try her hand at another creative talent. I mean, it’s not like she can act or anything.

  39. avatar

    Woody Allen fucks dogs. I have video evidence. Despite my best friend’s best efforts, I hate the man. He’s awful, his films are shit and there is just no point at all.

  40. avatar

    Being sober again and having read some of the more generous things said by Josh and JelizaRose above, I do have to agree with a lot of it.

    And JelizaRose is also quite possibly right in suggesting that I might be too much of a Waits fan to be able to appreciate this. Pretty much every Tom Waits cover I have ever heard makes me scurry for the original version, rather than really, truly appreciating the cover itself.

  41. avatar

    Sorry Toad & all, but I have heard since bit the bullet & listened to it & I personally think it’s fucking awful. Regardless of production quality etc., regardless of ‘why not?’, regardless of respect for the source material, this kind of bilge is probably not even fit only for those dire compilation tribute albums. It is a vanity project based on raising a currently lacklustre profile & getting her name back in print & her face on chat shows.

    For me, as it will always be, the litmus test for any ‘talent’ in this field is leave other people’s songs the fuck alone, form a band & write your fucking own. If she was genuinely serious then she would have gone, say, the route of Juliette Lewis (not that I’m a fan of her squawking) & cracked on without any prolonged fanfare or smoke & mirrors. I don’t doubt she has some appreciation of Waits, but this choice of project is nothing more than a cynical marketing exercise to get a buzz happening. Guess what? She’s succeeded. Every fucker is talking about it &, as a result, her record will be bought.

    Let’s move on, shall we?

  42. avatar

    No need to mention my dislike of Scarlett – already read the reasons in comments prior…

    But for fuck’s sake, Matthew, Woody Allen? The only real shit films he’s made are the ones that, coincidentally, starred Scarlett Johansson. Go watch Sleeper and tell me it’s not miles better than Scoop.

    By the way, Scarlett’s a shit actress as well. Cheers!

  43. avatar

    Woody Allen is apparently a genius. I find his films pretentious, self-obsessed and incredibly tedious. Loads of my mates insist I am being an idiot and try and make me see the error of my ways, but I just haven’t been able to find a movie of his that I can get my teeth into properly.

    Someone’s enjoying my review of this. Here’s a quote from this post which made me laugh:

    A bit childish, rather snobby, and unnecessarily vitriolic, and seemingly underinformed (it’s not clear whether he knows about the involvement of Bowie, Sitek and Zinner).

    The answer is that of course I knew of their involvement – the first question on this sort of vanity project is to wonder who actually made the music because it sure as fuck wasn’t Scarlett, so I am well aware of who is responsible thank you. It’s fucking woeful, whether it was by a primary school student or god almighty himself, frankly.

    The bit I enjoyed most though was the ‘childish, snobby and overly-vitriolic’ part – kind of sums up this entire blog, don’t it.

  44. avatar

    Yeh, the pedastal jumping no brain spastics.

  45. avatar

    Eh, who? The other people who worked on the album?

  46. avatar

    Oh goodness, I hadn’t noticed the URL to this post until reading the linked blog post griping about your blog post. How childish and snobby, Toad!

    About that Woody Allen, though…I don’t find him pretentious or a genius, but I love all of his films because I don’t take him too seriously. I love his style of humor and the fact that he plays the same character in every film – I read his biography and found that he literally just sort of walks on as is and plays his part, and really, he is sort of a funny character of a person. And his humor in the 60s and 70s really was pretty corny and old-fashioned, which I love. Try any of his movies with Diane Keaton, maybe, or watch him deliver the joke about the moose and the Jewish couple on YouTube…

  47. avatar

    Umm, I don’t know Toad. I was beyond hammered last night (Faye Islander came up from that there London to escape the grime for an evening & demanded cocktails all night from a barkeep who was on his first night at the bar & had never made a cocktail in his life before, Fisk was sniffing about F like a Narc’s Alsatian, Mouse was lolloping about like a balloon on a stick after one extremely badly constructed cocktail, TWoTH was slamming back the G&T like it was a blood transfusion & Mrs Mouse sat there rubbing the feotus through her belly wall moaning she couldn’t touch a drop) & actually don’t remember posting that.

    We were all supposed to come back to DCHQ & twat out a pre record Chris Moyles posse-style (albeit wrecked), we even spent a couple of hours before we hit the city setting up all the mics & levels ready for our return, but it never happened because we were more interested in ordering pizza & cracking open the spirits when we eventually crawled through the front door. However, looking at the time of my post above it would seem we got back fairly early, which is a little scary as we were all (with the exception of Mrs Mouse) dictionary definition fucked.

    As for Woody Allen – with the exception of Small Time Crooks, which is a class farce, I agree wholeheartedly.

  48. avatar

    DC – I was drunk, I don’t remember would have sufficed! ;-)

    I love his style of humor and the fact that he plays the same character in every film

    This might be my problem actually. I find the twitching neurotic to be deeply irritating, just from a personal point of view, and given even when he isn’t in his films personally he seems to have someone playing the Woody Allen character I think I might find that a fairly significant hurdle to surmount. Then again, often all it takes is finding the right movie, and Bob’s your uncle.

    Which, coincidentally, he is.

  49. avatar

    Woah…I obviously opened quite the can of worms with my Woody Allen remark! !

  50. avatar

    It doesn’t take much around here. Just try my Nick Cave live review from yesterday.

  51. avatar

    Uncut gave the album 3 out of fucking 5! That’s it. I AM definitely writing a letter to them to explain in detail how that magazine has fallen so heavily & obviously from grace & point.

  52. avatar

    Clash magazine isn’t bad these days. I was a bit disgusted by that Uncut review as well. Can they not smell shit when it’s on the desk in front of them?

  53. avatar

    who’s saying what to who?

  54. avatar

    I actually love Tom Waits AND Scarlet’s covers, especially “Falling Down.” There is absolutely no reason for you to bash someone personally because they didn’t cover a beloved song of yours to your liking or because you’re bitter about not being famous.

  55. avatar

    Clapclapclapclapclap!

  56. avatar

    [...] like a jilted baby?  The answer is yes, of course.  Yesterday someone left a great comment on my post about Scarlett Johansson’s merciless butchering of Tom Waits’ back catalogue which was pretty much in that exact same vein.  It was perfect – a little gem of spurned, wounded [...]

  57. avatar

    LEAVE HER ALONE SHES BEAUTIFUL
    ahah

    but seriously
    i like the soundscape and appreciate the work by sitek
    the wall of sound in falling down is brilliant.

  58. avatar
    nicole Lindsay

    Shut upo this site is so gay, i think that whoever made mthis site needs a slap cause they stink of shiteee

  59. avatar

    Erm, yeeeeah! Good work. Now learn to speak English properly and learn to type without just slapping your whole flipper down on the keyboard and hoping that you might vaguely hit some of the right keys in the process, you illiterate bozo.

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