Lindsay Lohan is a Hero
I don’t usually offer fashion advice on this website, but I feel I might just dip my toe in those shark-infested waters for a change because this is just brilliant.
Now, I am guessing not everyone who reads this site is as depressingly shallow as I am so I am going throw this question open to the audience: what exactly would you think of a girl who wore leggings with pads on the knees? Exactly. What else is there to think? Would you even have to buy her a drink first, or do you reckon you could get away with just whipping it out in the middle of a crowded pub, because I’d be surprised if the girl in question was going to be picky enough to demand a bit of attention first. Or even basic civility.
The leggings in question can be viewed here. Yes, you read that correctly, they go by the name of Mr. President. But surely no amount of ironic nomenclature can make up for the fact that you are basically suggesting that a girl walk around in public dressed in a manner that pretty much says ‘I swallow on the first date. Maybe even in the first quarter of an hour if you’re lucky’. I’ve known some pretty easy women in my time, but even the most loose-winged of them all liked to keep up some sort of basic pretence for at least a few hours.
The irony of it all is that these garments of horror were designed by World Championship Sperm Guzzler Lindsay Lohan, who has pretty much abandoned the world of pork swords for the world of beef curtains these days, and somehow that is way less sexy than you’d think. Either she designed these things a while ago or she is delivering something of a coded warning to her girlfriend Samantha Wotshername not to get too comfortable, because she could be off at any minute, fellating the next random stranger who catches her eye – much like the old days.
Either way, leggings with knee-pads! Are you fucking joking? That’s crazy talk.
The Decemberists – A Cautionary Song
Gavin Friday – Baltimore Whores
the term ‘beef curtains’ is underused. nice one.
Maybe they’re for use while gardening.
“dry clean only”.
Nightmare.
Especially when you consider what you might be trying to wash out…
And what the fuck does “7 inch rise” refer to?
At least it might stop her from trying to sing again.
Well as long as her mouth is full…
hey matthew, stop being gross!
sincerley,
female reader roff
I can’t believe she has laid claim to designing these – these have been aorund for some while &, if memory serves, were showcased (if you will) on one of those awful ‘fashion shows’ the BBC pukes up.
To the practicalities of the design itself, the 7″ rise (to which I am sure your good lady will attest) refers to the crutch crunch suffered by ladies when wearing such objects of clinginess – tights & skinny jeans also fall into this category. It’s all about the elasticity of the material verus the immovable object of the fanny bone (albethere some give, depending on the cushion value of the mountain peak brush & top soil folds betwixt material & solid base). 7″ gives a comfortable floexibility to movement, bending, kneeling, reach arounds. Although, as I can most certainly report with some accuracy & knowledge, US & UK soldiers who wear knee pads tethered to their outer garmets all compain of the rising of said floor protection regardless of give in the elasticity of the material to which they are attached or the method by which they are attached.
In short, it’s a clever & fashionista was of saying anti-cameltoe technology.
&, let’s face it, the one thing a gad about town does not want, when gulping down a quart or many of man’s own dairy salt, is being pap-tagged/embarrassed by either (a) not noticing a prominent lower case ‘w’ drawing all eyes from her yabbering, milk moustachoed maw, down to her money maker, or (b) having to publically finger pinch the jam-packed material out of her labial glue into a more acceptable mannequin-flaccid positioning.
I like how the listing takes care to mention that the line (presumably including those tights?) is “Marilyn Monroe-inspired.” Cripes, Marilyn must be rolling in her grave with shame. A classy broad would never waste $132 on anything with kneepads.
Also, I’ll be sure to keep DC’s final paragraph on hand if I ever work in the marketing department of a clothing line.
Hey, Mr. T., this is an entire aside: have you read the Observer Critics vs. Bloggers article? Is it me or do they sound like they’ve only just woken up to the fact that there’s more than porn & illegal downloads on the net? There’s blueprints for a bridge being drawn up here, but only as an escape route should the paper media disappear up its own fundament.
Camels must get well fucked off with Hollywood flange flaunting floosies giving their tippy toes a bad name.
DC you fucking filth monkey. What sort of a site do you think this is?
Poor camels and their much maligned toes. Being ungulates, are camel toes not extraordinarily long, incidentally? As in, longer that our shins. They walk on their toenails – hooves – and their lower legs are basically elongated toes, are they not? Which means for the ‘camel toe’ comparison to be at all accurate… eugh, I just had an awful image flash before my eyes. The less said about that the better.