Song, by Toad

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Mrs. Toad Has Found My Twin

Ranting

It seems I have all the qualifications required to be a professional writer: i.e. a rather inflated sense of self-importance, impossible levels of preciousness about my work and the ability to swear like a docker with a nasty dose of the clap.

As my good lady asked when she forwarded me this link, were we separated at birth?

From: Coren, Giles
Sent: 10 August 2002 16:41
To: James, Anita
Cc: Wells, Dominic
Subject:

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. how fucking difficult is that? it’s the sentence that bestrides the fucking book i reviewed for you. it is the sentence i wrote first in my fucking review. it is 35 fucking letters long, which is why i wrote that it was. and so some useless cunt sub-editor decides to change it to “jumps over A lazy dog” can you fucking count? can you see that that makes it a 33 letter sentence? so it looks as if i can’t count, and the cunting author of the book, poor mr dunn, cannot count. the whole bastard book turns on the sentence being as i fucking wrote it. and that it is exactly 33 letters long. why do you meddle. what do you think you achieve with that kind of dumb-witted smart-arsery? why do you change things you do not understand without consulting. why do you believe you know best when you know fuck all. jack shit.

that is as bad as editing can be. fuck, i hope you’re proud. it will be small relief for the author that nobody reads your poxy magazine.

never ever ask me to write something for you. and don’t pay me. i’d rather take £400 quid for assassinating a crack whore’s only child in a revenge killing for a busted drug deal – my integrity would be less compromised.

jesus fucking wept i don’t know what else to say.

Alexei Sayle – ‘Ullo John, Got a New Motor?

6 witty ripostes to Mrs. Toad Has Found My Twin

  1. avatar

    haha, I love that.

  2. avatar

    Separated at birth? I think it’s the same person – have you ever seen Matthew & Giles in the same room together…….

  3. avatar
    Campfires & Battlefields

    Good Christ! He’s at it again!

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/23/mediamonkey

  4. avatar
    Campfires & Battlefields

    I particularly enjoy the “pissed Irish plasterer” line.

  5. avatar

    Ooh, ranting with panache. I like!

  6. avatar

    The only thing that really ruins a letter like this is when there’s a horrid typo in a sentence that questions someone’s editing ability:

    “Why would you change a sentnece aso that it meant something i didn’t mean?”

    But that letter really drives home why it’s more fun to have a blog than write under a supervising editor. Some of them do really shit jobs of editing.

    Jesus fucking wept, most beautiful phrase in the English language! You ought to seek out a fight with this fellow, Toad.

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