Deviants and Perverts
One of the things I’m finding fascinating and quite addictive during my time looking after chez Toad is keeping tabs on the various statistics that are available in the dark and dusty admin areas behind the public facing website. You get a graph of total hits that’s generated in real-time on the fly, a Top Of The Pops chart of the most listened-to MP3s (I was delighted to see the Milltown Brothers finally topple Tom Waits from the number one spot!), and – best of all – a list of the search terms people type into Google that end up being directed here.
Now we all know the world is full of deviants and perverts, and we know they inhabit the internet like fetid little trolls hiding in caves and under bridges. So it’s no surprise that the majority of Google searches are for things like ‘women fucking’. In fact that term and the variations on that theme get quite dull. It’s also disturbing how often the term ‘father fucking’ crops up. Some people really do have issues.
Nevertheless, the occasional diamond does emerge from amongst the mundane. I was impressed with the sensitive soul who, a few days ago, was in search of a ‘beautiful fuck’, or the intrepid adventurer on the hunt for ‘women fucking men under water’. And I’m not sure how to interpret ‘fucking song with growl of pleasure’, but I’m tempted to search for that one myself!
My favourite so far, though, is the sheer unbridled optimism of the guy who typed in ‘women fucking anything’.
I mean, not only is he not fussy, but he hasn’t begun to grasp the notion that a search engine scours the web for specific words, and it’s as simple as that. Instead, however, this loon is treating it as some sort of conscious entity that can understand his desperation and offer advice and consolation, and make a considered recommendation. Like some sort of maitre d’ of the vitiated.
“And what will sir be having today?”
“Just bring me women fucking anything”
“Well, sir. I can recommend the women fucking a mountain gorilla, that’s fresh in today, and the women fucking Shakin’ Stevens is excellent this evening. I believe we also have a little of the women fucking the exhaust manifold of a 1982 Ford Granada left, that’s always good.”
It’s not all about the evil though. Someone stumbled through a few days ago looking for ‘how to say hello in Polynesian’, I doubt they found what they were searching for here, but I sincerely hope such an amiable venture was succesful.
The Vapors – Turning Japanese
The Divinyls – I Touch Myself
(Here at Letterbox Records) Looking at the stats is entertaining stuff when you have a band on your roster called ‘Amateurs’.
To be fair, there’s enough profanities on this website for a search for “F***ing Song by F***ing Toad” to be a reasonably accurate request…
Google Vagina Bong Toke – it should now come up with a Song, By Toad link, especially as I have used the phrase in the comments.
Turn my fuckiing back for 72hrs & TWoTH shows up? Jesus… clearly not enough cleaning to be done.
DC! I was wondering where you had got to…
I thought you weren’t talking to me after all that Max Boyce malarkey.
What can I say, other that when I think about you I touch myself?..
Felt I really should make at least some comment on this one! ;o)
(And, no, that’s not the reason for the moniker. But, hey, we’re all human!)
Apols, Dylan.
Certainly am talking, just been internet-free recently what with me frittering time away in Utah.
Spoke with his Lordship today via one of them new fangled cell phones – Pikathon went terribly decently, by all accounts, & he’s a number of vids & interviews in the bag. Currently him & the Mrs are on some lake somewhere or shoreline (I didn’t really listen) & are blisfully taking in the top end of the West Coast internet-free.
I did tell him you’d been posting hardcore incest porn links & scatalogical pictures involving glass coffee tables, anal speculums & images of Jade Goody (wow, what a Google search that might conjour) – the result of which being a 2000% increase in traffic & lots of Polish men asking for passwords to the Amphibian buggery page.
Life, my boy, is sweet.
Hiya DC. Utah, eh? And did you pick up a few 13-year-old brides to help TWoTH with the washing up, then? Those little girls can cook, lemme tell ya. But I had no idea passwords were required for the amphibian buggery page. Oh wait. Isn’t this the amphibian buggery page?
If anyone’s interested, I just thought I’d mention that the 6eyes blog has posted Tom Waits’ Atlanta gig from July (which was streamed with excellent sound quality on National Public Radio) as 27 individual mp3s. Well worth the time to download if you haven’t already.
http://sixeyes.blogspot.com/