Five Excuses For Doing Fuck-All on Friday
Well only one: this wonderful website *cough cough*. Well, while Mrs. Toad and I are either sloshing about in the mud or, and I am hoping this is the case, lazing about in the sunshine at the End of the Road Festival you will presumably all be at work, shuffling paper in some lame pretence of productivity.
Sigh exhasperatedly at your computer, never walk somewhere when you can march purposefully, suddenly search briskly through that pile of shite on your desk, rub your chin thoughtfully, anything but let them know that you don’t give a flying fuck about their shitty job and that really you are just there for the money and want to be left alone as much as possible to prat about pointlessly on the internet.
Or maybe you’re one of those fulfilled people who does an interesting job surrounded by people he likes and respects and…Â nah, not if you’re reading this I wouldn’t think.
Anyway, fuck the day job, here’s our Five for Friday, as shamelessly stolen from the GUT boards. Please use this as an opportunity to de-lurk and jump in. You don’t need to explain or justify your choices, just go for it and get stuck in:
1. Worst mobile phone etiquette.
2. Link to favourite lolcat (if you don’t know, I suggest emplying the GiYF* technique).
3. Your biggest phobia.
4. Something really shit on telly that you like to watch anyway.
5. Alcoholic jelly recipe.
Adam & the Ants – Prince Charming
Richard Hawley – Coming Home
Stephin Merritt – The Meaning of Lice
The Folk Implosion – Free to Go
Ben Folds Five – Don’t Change Your Plans
*Google is Your Friend.
1. Using ‘em on public transport. Though you’re forgiven if you’re only pretending to talk on it to look cool and it rings in your ear. Saw a school age bimbo do that once – hilarious.
2. Not a fan of the lolcat. Turned off by “cutesy” title: I Can Has Cheeseburger. I find It is possible to be cute and employ correct grammar at the same time.
3. Spiders. No, not the English garden variety, but huge Hunstmen, like the ones we get here in Oz. They’re big. They’re hairy. And they’re organised.
4. Used to watch Australian Idol but I can’t stomach it any more. Life’s too short to put up with that kinda garbage.
5. Vodka. Hold the jelly.
Grammar: mission accomplished. Punctuation obviously next on the list!
1. texting whilst talking to somebody and pretending to listen to what they are saying.
2. i had to GiYF this and was so disgusted by the stupidity of it that i refuse to answer this.
3. i wasn’t sure of this – but given agnes got involved – australian wildlife period. snakes that look like rocks, spiders that are big as fuk, jellyfish that are invisible and have a poison 10 times more potent than the rattlesnake, the great white shark……….it’s a miracle anyone actually survives past 20 in that country.
4. the bill.
5. no idea – have never tried this. but now intrigued.
We all know that GIYF meant Google It You Fucker.
1. Hanging up without ending conversations properly. This is probably just telephone etiequette these days but still, it’s not good enough. How difficult is it to say thank you, goodbye.
2. This one obviously.
3. I dunno. I’m not much of a one for spiders/bees/wasps etc but I don’t exactly run screaming. I don’t think I really have any phobias.
4. Friends. Sorry. I got bored sick of it but it’s on in the early evening every single day on E4 and it just means there’s something there that eats away part of the evening without having to think.
5. I don’t believe I’ve ever had an alcoholic jelly but I promise to try something suggested by somebody else here.
These pixie magic surprise posts that appear from nowhere freak me out. I know that Mr. & Mrs. Toad are right now doing about 15 miles an hour in the southbound hard shoulder of the M6 driving their scooby-doo mystery van, but he’s still putting posts up here! It’s creepy, man!
1. Using the phone at a restaurant table. I know it’s an obvious one but it’s still the worst.
2. This one
3. Swans
4. Countryfile
5. Does anyone still do Alcoholic Jelly?
1. Too many abbreviations in text messages – we have predicted now, there genuinely is no good reason to write in that god awful letter number combo nonsense that takes me frickin ages to decipher!
2. These are bad, evil things…
3. lolcats! oh and bank statements – i honestly never open the mail ones and get really nervous when i need to go online to do something! I don’t think i need to know when i go over my overdraft!
4. Eastenders – it’s so depressing.
5. My friend has passed on to me lots of these shot/jelly recipes as she wants me to provide some for her hen night. There’s one with Wertherers which i love so that looks interesting, but i think if i make it, it will taste of burning.
Euan – I’m 25 and still kickin’! Though the spider that greeted me at my back door in the early hours of this morning probably shaved a year or two off my general life expectancy!
swans!!!! spot on actually dylan! they are the devils bird for sure!
and izzy – tasting of burning is better than tasting of feet.
Oh…itallstarted is me, Agnes, by the way.
scotland. what a wonderful place. the most poisonous animal is the adder, I think, and if you see one of them in your lifetime you’re either an avid hill walker or very lucky. and the worst weather we get is pishing rain and strong winds. i feel safe in this country.
Agnes, we knew it was you! – and if you put an email address in the little box when you’re commenting I won’t have to keep on manually approving your comments!
Why would my shots smell of feet? How bad a cook do you assume i am?
I have to agree Euan, i have no great fear of spiders, but i would be a wreck in Oz. my friend shot a video of a scary scary spider resting on his car! No no no. Scotland, home of all things below average, including creepy crawlys.
Euan stirs his jelly with his feet. Helps it set.
1. Two folks talking on seperate phones while sitting at a small table together, presumably both talking to other people.
2. http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/07/02/mah-peetsa/
3. Heights
4. Cops!
5. I don’t know what alcoholic jelly is, so I’ll give you my recipe for a classic daquiri (none of that frozen garbage)
Classic Daiquiri
-1.5 oz/50mL White Rum (or I guess, around 45-50mL…one shot, american, anyway)
-1.5 oz/50mL Lime Juice (real lime juice, not Roses or something)
-.75 oz/25mL Simple Syrup
Pour all ingredients into a shaker full of ice. Shake vigorously and pour into a chilled Martini Glass, enjoy.
I usually use a touch more lime juice because I like mine tart, but that’s just me. This is the drink that Hemingway and Kennedy drank, not the pink, blended stuff. This is a wonderful cocktail…I think I might have one tonight. YUM!
I actually liked that lolcat Harry
I liked the Daiquiri more!
Now, that’s a Daiquiri.
Or to give it it’s original Welsh pronounciation: “Dai Queery”.
1. Those pesky kids playing drum n base whilst walking along the street
2. Lolcat? Isn’t it a test you take to be a doctor in America?
3. The discontinuation of Jammy Dodgers
4. Hollyoaks and Come Dine With Me
5. Get some Alcohol, some hot water and some Jelly. Put the mixture in fridge for 3-5 hours
That was fun. Roll on 5 o’clock.
1. I agree with Dylan, but extra minus points for doing it on a date. How hard is it really to turn your phone off for two hours? Also, for every second you continue to talk on the phone, your chances of getting some decrease logarithmically…
2. No strong feelings about them, but I liked this one ’cause I’m a Shakespeare geek:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/09/09/funny-pictures-death-where-is-thy-sting/
3. Narrow, open-air heights. Like you can put me on top of the Empire State Building and I’ll be fine, but sit me on top of a ten-foot high wall without a way of easily getting down and I will completely freak out.
4. Law and Order. Putting my brain in a bowl of warm water for a few hours? Yes, please. By the way, for the opposite of crap TV, you all really should start watching Mad Men.
5. Jell-O shots made with lime jello and tequila. Classy and delicious.
1. People talking on in very public places about very private things as if no-one can hear them. That makes me acutely uncomfortable.
2. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaah: http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/01/13/full-speed-ahead/
3. People climbing into my room through my bedroom window and stabbing me. Also things that look human-ish but aren’t. Like dolls.
4. X-Factor
5. It’s not really jelly HOWEVER vodka angel delight is special.
1. Poor spelling, punctuation and syntax in texts. I know it makes me a dick, but I can’t fucking stand it. Izzy: word!
2. So many. I know they’re shit, but I love ‘em.
3. Flying. And heights. Can’t stand either.
4. I have on occasion watched Gardener’s World, enjoyed it, caught myself and felt the shame.
5. What would you expect but a lime jelly full of gin. Yumski! Vodka Angel Delight though? Brilliant!
1. Texting whilst driving – I can’t think of one reasonable excuse for this.
2. That was the first and last time I’ve looked at one.
3. Pain – any cause will do.
4. Brotherhood on FX.
5. Perhaps waiting for the jelly to set could build up a thirst but apart from that, frozen vodka every time please.
Fuck me, what a week. I’m exhausted. Well, here goes.
1) Bouncing the phone off the head of one’s neighbor
2) Incipient violence: http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/05/27/funny-pictures-want-want-want-want-want/
3) Toilet paper
4) Anything with monkeys
5) 14 bottles of Guinness stout, 1 bag of bacon bits, 3 broken lightbulbs (reserving tungsten filament), 1 whore, 1 five-gallon bucket of jell-o powder, and the extra ingredient is care.
Late, late, late, so sorry… but Holy Fuck was awesome tonight, I’m just sayin!
1. Sitting in a stall in the ladies’ room and listening to a woman in another stall on the phone, while I’m waiting for the “appropriate” time to flush. Is there an appropriate time here? Why do women talk in bathrooms on their cell phones? It’s absolutely agonizing, I tell you!
2. This bunnycat cracks me up every time.
3. severed limbs
4. America’s Most Smartest’s Model, I have no shame.
5. There is no way I can top C&B’s er, “recipe.” I forfeit.
i don’t know why your shots would taste of feet izzy – all i said was that it’s better to taste of burning than feet. that’s fact.
and i love wildlife. but could do without having to check shoes, toilets etc for giant spiders etc.
Ok, i’ll take it as fact rather than a slur on my culinary skills – how was the Glasgae Strp last night?
Agnes, this lolcat is for you, dear xoxo
glasgae was interesting. roughest wedding i’ve been at in a long time but was fun. I was worried about being under dressed but jeans and trainers seemed to be ok at this one!
not sure what to do this evening. wish there was a website that told you about good gigs!
I think it’s only appropriate that i shiould be posting on Monday morning. The fact that the accompanying photo at the start of this article closely resembles work for me (analysing / dissecting fish) then I shall chip in with my list.
1. People using mobiles where they clearly shouldn’t, e.g. in toilets
2. I really think we should be looking at loltoads instead of cats, but this http://lolcat.net/v/animated/guitar_cat.gif.html? struck me as the most appropriate
3. Phobia or irrational fear? The closest I get is crammed elevators, but given the plethora of interrupted journeys to/from the top of the Foulis building at Glasgow School of Art, then I’d claim this isn’t entirely irrational. Although, since I’ve never been to the US then I would clearly only have a mild aversion to crammed lifts.
4. Poker. Don’t play it, it’s bizarre tv but to watch, so I guess that makes this a aibohp.
5. I think we did this last year, but substituted the water partially with champagne (well, fizzy wine then, but still more lavish than I recall from my vodka jelly student days). In the meantime we’ve been cheating and using the most cheap’n'nasty-looking booze that costs more than £1.29….http://www.ltblenderonline.com/Products
I should have known…. http://www.flickr.com/photos/steve_brace/549362731/
also for those too lazy to copy/paste… http://www.ltblenderonline.com/Products There. Done it for you.
A little late for Friday but just thought I should draw your attention to the Gin & Tonic jelly recipe in Nigella Lawson’s Domestic Goddess book. Basically it involves making an enormous jug of g&t and adding gelatine to it, thus turning it into jelly. Ace.
While out shopping the other day, I saw a jar of Gin & Tonic flavour pickled turnips.
Very odd.
Fuck me, what a week/weekend. A bit late in getting this one in, but here goes:
1) The very fact that they are so ingrained in society’s psyche that we just can’t live without them. The fact that people, including me, are on them all the fucking time. The fact that even when we’re not on them they are on the table or in our hands or visible in the top pocket of a shirt etc. This isn’t so much an etiquette point, moreso a fingerweave at a lifestyle devolution.
2) This just makes me smile: http://www.blah3.com/images/articles/20070818124129676_1.jpg
3) Moths. Just edging out sharks.
4) I rarely watch TV these days, but in the States I am always find myself strangely drawn to that dangerous harpee Nancy Grace. That, or Dog The Bounty Hunter
5) Blackcurrent Jelly squares plopped into a deep icecube tray then gin poured in & frozen (so the jelly cube is in the middle of the iced gin cube). Then plop the thing into any white rum-based cocktail or drink (Mojitos work for me).
1. Dunno if it’s “Worst mobile phone etiquette” but those people who say “like” every other word.
2. old nooz
3. Gherkins. The devil’s cucumber.
4. Misommer Murders. Acts like a warm fire on a cold day.
5. Frozen vodka (did I miss the point with this one?)
It’s alcoholic mate, so I really don’t think so. It all counts.
DC that recipe is genius. But I don’t think being afraid of sharks is entirely irrational.
It is when you’re afraid of them served grilled with a little salsa verde and sauteed potatoes!