Song, by Toad


Five Fabulisms for Friday

Dirty Wanking Bastard

It’s fucking Friday, three hours from Beer O’Clock, bloody marvellous! Mrs. Toad is away for over a week in Australia, which is quite frankly disastrous news. I’ll have a wanking hand like a fucking Fiddler Crab by the end of the week. Still, on the plus side I will have loads of time to do worky things. Not Proper Job worky things obviously, no, Toady worky things like getting promo copies of the first couple of Toad releases off to the music magazines, writing up interviews and editing the video, and publishing the Sparrow & the Workshop Toad Session.

So it’s another week in my underpants, glued to a computer screen and eating gherkins out of the jar for me I’m afraid.  Think of that while you’re out leading your exciting, exotic lives, snorting coke and banging hot babes.  Yeah, yeah, it’s fine for you lot you bunch of fly-by-night flibbertigibbets, but just you mind who puts in the real work around here.

This week’s splendid Five for Friday is as follows, and as usual please do take this opportunity to come out of the closet and spit your penny’s worth into the communal bucket.

1. A band none of us have mentioned but who we really should love (MySpace link might help).
2. Book that most reminds you of your childhood.
3. Worst thing you’ve ever said about an ex (no names, obviously).
4. Percentage of your day not spent doing what you are being paid to do.
5. Percentage of your internet usage that would qualify as being too porny to comfortably share with your other half.  If you have no shame about sharing that sort of thing with your other half, then pretend you do for the purposes of this list.

The Raincoats – Balloonacy
Jake Flowers & the Carol-Anne Showband – Rosalie
Eva Cassidy – Kathy’s Song Is there a more heartbreakingly lovely line in all of music than “There but for the grace of you go I”?
My Teenage Stride – The But for the Grace of You Go I
Art Brut – Emily Kane

56 witty ripostes to Five Fabulisms for Friday

  1. avatar

    1. Erm, how about The Metasciences.
    2. The Hungry Caterpillar.
    3. I was so mean about the girl I was seeing before Mrs. Toad that she told me to stop it or I’d be dumped. Which is another reason why Mrs. Toad is so cool.
    4. 87%.
    5. 34%. But if I didn’t spend so much time on music stuff it would probably be in the 90s.

  2. avatar

    1. Battle who I have technically mentioned before a number of times but not here. Their mysapce is here
    2. Arthur Ransome – The Picts and the Martys. One of the Swallows and Amazon books, all of which I loved when I was a kid, but for some reason this became my ‘holiday’ book, I always took it with me if I was staying away from my parents to have a bit of familiarity and help me get by.
    3. I don’t really have any interesting ex stories as I split up from my last ‘ex’ in 1987. I’m not convinced I’ve ever said anything worse than ‘that was a mistake’. Sorry.
    4. 75% at least ALTHOUGH technically I do teach new media stuff so all of this bloggy business is kind of work.
    5. Don’t do porn. Can we have a long argument about porn at some point?

  3. avatar

    sorry bout that

  4. avatar

    No girlfriend since 1987 and no porn? Erm, are you some sort of black belt in self-discipline or something? That’s just freaky.

  5. avatar
    Campfires & Battlefields

    1) Alamaailman Vasarat, from Finland. This lot actually frightened poor Matthew away:

    2) Where the Wild Things Are. Cliched, I know, but when I was a kid I took it out of the library and kept checking it out until they finally wouldn’t let me have it anymore because I needed to give someone else a chance.

    3) I don’t have many “exes” either, but most of them I think of fondly today, and I don’t recall ever really talking them down much. I look back with more sadness than anger.

    4) 0%. I am a working machine. Even as I type this I am contemplating the majesty of the law.

    5) Erm, I’m with Adam. Porn is execrable. Still … 82%.

  6. avatar

    Is no-one else here a malicious old fucker to their exes? Bunch of panty-waists.

  7. avatar

    Perhaps adam is just in a long-term (and potentially – hopefully – fulfilling) relationship since 1987? His last “ex” was in 1987… says nothing about his current status.

    BTW (I’ll get around to my 5 soon, really) is it just me, or is that animation of the “waving” fiddler crab on Wikipedia incredibly lame; I’d be more convinced if they used more than two frames.


    1) Devon Sproule; one of my EotR happy discoveries.

    2) Five Children and It by E. Nesbit. Hard to pick one book, but this one probably evokes childhood more than others as I’ve never gone back and revisited it (as opposed to authors like Susan Cooper, Alan Garner, Ursula le Guin, etc.)

    3) I was one of those sad bastards who occasionally got dumped for being “too nice”, so I’m hardly likely to emitted much verbal vitriol towards exes. I just used to wander around humming “Idiot Wind” under my breath for a couple of days.

    4) 50/50, but I pay for it in evenings and weekends when deadlines approach.

    5) Too little to understand 90% of the internet-pop-culture references to porn that I encounter (and, given that most of my internet use is in a shared office, I’ve learnt to google with caution).

  8. avatar


  9. avatar

    Ha ha nic – you have no secrets from your IT guy! He probably knows more about you than your Mum.

    Devon Sproule has played up here before actually, and a lot of the people I know in Edinburgh love her to bits, but I’d never sat down and had a really careful listen. Shame on me.

  10. avatar

    wow, i’m not the only one who is bored on a friday afternoon.

    do you guys do this ALL the time? jeeeeeez.

    ok here are mine:

    1) murdered in the city is pretty

    2) Dogger by Shirley Hughes. I knew this off by heart and wouldn’t go to sleep until the full book had been read. no skipping lines.

    3) hmmm. sadness. madness not so much. I do like referring to other people’s ex’s as bacterial infections of the urinary tract: constant, painful and pointless.

    4) today: 98%

    5) porny? is that a word? does spending too much time looking at jens lekman’s small talk count?

  11. avatar

    The Avett brothers used to be on Ramseur, which is the label Sam Crain and Bombadil are on, and both of them recommended I give the Avett Brothers a serious listen at Pickathon.

    Dogger? It doesn’t sound like a book for children to me.

  12. avatar

    1 i’m a bit hungover to think too much about this so i’ll mention my friend’s band The Wintergreens. i’m also too thick to do the link thing, but there easily searched for. Very fledgling but some pretty interesting and haunting stuff in there. Gunnar (the lead Green) assures me his ambition is world domination, and i’m pretty sure he means it in a sinister way, so best start liking them now!
    2 The Beatrix Potter ones which my Gran gave me – very twee, but much loved
    3 Never said much but was once provoked into a mild act of violence which i assure you i am not known for – he was a k**b tho.
    4 Most days 30% skiving today 80%
    5 i don’t have a computer at home to delve into the depraved depths of the internet, so genuinely 0% Oh and i’m a girl so i think statistically it would be less than the boys given the opportunity, i think…

  13. avatar

    They’re here:
    They sound right up Euan’s street, in particular.

    Mild act of violence! That sounds incredibly rock ‘n’ roll. Tell more!

    Ladies love porn too, stop pretending you don’t. Just subtly different porn, that’s all.

  14. avatar

    It involved a lot of gin, my bag and his head – not very rock and roll, but sometimes words aren’t enough you know!

    Subtly different? Like Ruth’s favourite book, maybe… (sorry about the now slightly tarnished memory)

  15. avatar

    Your bag? You tried to suffocate your ex with a plastic bag? Izzy, you rock!

    You and Ruth would get on, I reckon. We need a Song, by Toad Christmas party so people can meet one another and fight over the stereo!

  16. avatar

    I don’t understand. how is dogger rude?

    no-one can tarnish the memory of dogger.

    definition of porn – creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire.
    can there be writing/pictures/film that provokes this stimulation that has ‘no literary or artistic value’?

  17. avatar

    A equally fabulous and terrifying idea!

  18. avatar

    That was shocking english – my apologies!

  19. avatar

    It’s the drinking from last night presumably still affecting you, Izz.

    Ruth, dogging is a most unsavoury practise and a lovely young lady such as yourself is cleaner and purer for not knowing it. I would prefer that this remain so.

    And in answer to your question, most porn has no artistic or literary value. If it’s any good.

  20. avatar

    1. The B of the Bang. Their from Portsmouth. Every gig is different. They play folk. Electronica. Rock. They sometimes do songs without amplification just to make people listen. Their lead singer looks like a goth. The rest of the band don’t.

    2. The Secret Seven and other Enid Blyton. I loved scamper the dog (in a childlike innocent way, not some animal sex way)

    3. The worst thing I said about my ex was possibly to my next girlfriend. It was ” She was better than you in bed.” That relationship split up shortly after as well.

    4. Er….actually very little. I’m a good boy. Am I paid to go to the toilet ? Well thats not in my job description, so I’ll say 2%

    5. Again very little I’m afraid. Probably 0.1% and I’m not sure what that is. However if you wanna see the mags under my bed…..ha ha

  21. avatar

    is kathy’s song a paul simon composition?

  22. avatar

    1, Hello Saferide. I’m running late, sorry. Ok if I miss the link?

    2, ‘Thomas is different’

    3, mad, conniving, mental, liar, bitch, shit, crazy, fibber, insane, irrational, fucker. But I said all that to her. While we were still together.

    It wasn’t a stable relationship.

    4, Low thirties.

    5, 99% (I also visit

  23. avatar

    1. Darts
    2. The Wind In The Willows (no, really)
    3. ‘Mad as a fucking badger’ (and then my daugthers pick up on this and say ‘Daddy, when did you go out with the badger?’)
    4.90% or 5%, on accounts of how I works for myself AND IT’S FUCKING WELL UP TO ME.
    5. 50% – unless the porn improves.

  24. avatar

    1. swervedriver

    2. the folk of the magic faraway tree by enid blyton

    3. i am not qualified to answer this one. i am to the fairer sex as bart is to music 🙂

    4. 80% maybe more….

    5. ditto

  25. avatar

    1. Unfortunately I’m a leech which is why I read websites like this for my musical satisfaction.
    2. “Little Grey Men Go Down The Bright Stream” by BB. Can’t wait to read it to my kids.
    3. “She had the brain of a flea but she fucked like a train”, sex was good to the end but I couldn’t stand talking to her.
    4. Not sure 12hrs work, 6hrs sleep so prob about 8%.
    5. If watching Arsenal on internet TV counts as pornography then about 5-10%. More if Spurs have had a good fisting that week.

  26. avatar

    Hello Saferide is a band I’m aware of, but have never spent that much time with.

    Davy, that Badger answer wins all sorts of prizes. That’s the best thing I’ve heard for fucking ages.

    Watching the Arse doesn’t count as porn. More like death by Chinese water torture.

  27. avatar

    Matthew, I haven’t had an ex since 1987 but I’ve been in just the one relationship since 1989 (kind of. Don’t ask. Later, maybe.). And did I say anything about not wanking? I have no self discipline at all, none, not a bit of it. ‘Potentially – hopefully -fulfilling?’ Nah. sorry.

    Also I’m pinching that line from the eva cassidy song to go on my blog header, ta.

  28. avatar

    1) Whispertown 2000 were a myspace find. I don’t know anything about them, other than they’re from LA, and they make really lovely pop songs. The little video for ‘Through a Hole’ is well worth 2 mins 42 of your time. They’re maybe a bit too twee for some (Hello Euan!), but think they should be pretty toad-friendly otherwise.

    2) Maybe the Mr. Men books? I still own (and read) an unhealthy amount of kids’ books.

    3) I’ve said many things, many times. None of which I’d like to repeat here.

    4) about 20%? and it’s on the increase. and I hold all of you people entirely resonsible.

    5) Nope. I am to pornography what Dan is to self-promotion.

  29. avatar

    Ah, Adam, yes. The obvious ‘other’ answer which I rather brilliantly failed to spot. And as Stewart says, it’s actually a Paul Simon song that she’s covering, not her own line.

    Bart, there’s something inherently creepy about a soft-spoken, fully-grown man with your beard sitting in his flat reading the Mr. Men books. Don’t ask me exactly why, there just is.

  30. avatar


    I think I left a CD and a jar of spice in your house last night.

    I will come and retreive them some time soon.

  31. avatar

    1. Just heard Xavier Rudd at a dinner party tonight and he was fantastic. And appropriately Australian.
    2. I’ve been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss to my boy lately and that definitely brings back my childhood – let’s say “One Fish, Two Fish”
    3. I drunkenly sang, from below her dorm window, Todd Rundgren’s “Slut” to an ex.
    4. Far too high.
    5. Not as much as I would like.

    “S-L-U-T, she may be a slut but she looks good to me…”

  32. avatar

    Free Man, your Todd Rundgren stunt rivals Izzy’s plastic bag strangling for sheer legendary behaviour – that’s brilliant.

  33. avatar

    i realize i’m late to the game but here goes . . .
    1. Fred–an Irish band that is blowing me away.
    2. mrs. piggle wiggle, the whole series. i still have fears of radishes growing from behind my ears because they’re not clean enough. i still say, “i’ll do it because i want to, not because you tell me to.”
    3. i did write a scathing letter to one once calling him “a broken toilet overflowing with shit” does that count?
    4. some days 100%. most days, actually, since i can’t get on the internet when i’m at work.
    5. most of the porn i see is accidental. interestingly, a lot of it is of gay men. it comes up mainly when i’m searching for illustrations for a post. maybe i should turn up the “safe search” mode on google image search!

  34. avatar

    These ex things are getting better and better. I was really rather disappointed with the first few responses: such nice, lovely people and, frankly, where’s the fun in that? Major points to you Marcy, a broken toilet overflowing with shit is a brilliant entry.

  35. avatar

    Late, as well…

    1) The Voluntary Butler Scheme–
    2) The N.C. Wyeth-illustrated versions of Robin Hood, Treasure Island, and King Arthur.
    3) Her annoying quirks reminded me too much of my sister. She had to go.
    4) 85%
    5) I only have internet at work, these days, so <2%

  36. avatar

    Less than two percent? Good grief man, you’re going to have to work on that!

  37. avatar

    Matthew James Young. no-one needs to know about your penchant for self abuse, internet porn, gherkins and sitting around in your pants. Nor should you be extracting or encouraging similar antics from your readers. I go away for a week and you turn into Jeremy Fucking Kyle.

    And you lot – stop encouraging him!


  38. avatar

    you know what the best thing was? i’d actually broken his toilet!

  39. avatar

    Erm, Anonymous, might that be the trans-continental Mrs. Toad sniping from afar, by any chance? Haha, hello dear. You’re right. I shouldn’t be sitting at home wanking myself into a coma, should I. It’s Freshers Week after all – I should be out socialising.

    Marcy, you’re a legend.

  40. avatar

    Also a bit late, but I’ve been occupied with internet news of DJ Am’s burned face and a new kitty that won’t leave my side.


    1. The Henry Clay People: (A group from Los Angeles, very nice boys, and the most fun live show of any local band here)

    2. “Baby Blue Cat and the Whole Batch of Cookies” by Ainslie Pryor.

    3. Don’t have enough exes to have lousy things to say, but of a past date – “he did a lovely impression of a Southern woman.” I certainly don’t consider this an asset, especially seeing as he was much prettier than I was.

    4. 75%

    5. Don’t watch porn but, come to think of it, I do spend a fair amount of time looking at pictures of dead/famous attractive men for kicks, so perhaps 3%.

  41. avatar

    been out of action for a while due to computer virus so the answers will be slightly different than they would have been.

    1. The British Expeditionary Force or indeed Small Town Boredom.

    2. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr Seuss….or any Dr Seuss book really.

    3. I was one of those dumped for being “too nice” …so I wrote a song called miss wonderland, recorded it and put it on our first ep. it’s not nasty – well, not much.

    4. would have said 25% but my computer has a virus so for the past few weeks probably more.

    5. same applies for this – not that much to begin with. 0% now as I would be sacked.

  42. avatar

    and I’d love to hear the wintergreens but don’t get access to myspace at work and, did I mention I have a virus on my computer?? so don’t get access at home now either. this sucks bums.

  43. avatar

    If only your computer didn’t have a virus…

  44. avatar

    It probably caught something sucking bums.

    Doesn’t sound like a particularly hygienic habit.

  45. avatar

    did i specify what part of the bum should be sucked??!

  46. avatar


  47. avatar

    I’m not the freak who thought of it in the first place!!

  48. avatar

    I don’t think we actually need to know which part of the bum should be sucked for best results.

  49. avatar

    i like bums.

  50. avatar

    Re: Song By Toad Christmas party. We should, you know.

    Will give me an excuse to escape the mundane repetitive nature of Christmas for a few days.

    Get a gig filled with Toad favourites on the bill (Eagleowl, Kays Lavelle, Wave Pictures!)

    And let’s get on the back of carbon neutral tours that bands are trying to pull off. Speaking of The Wave Pictures, they’re making a carbon neutral record, right?

    Look, I’ll do my bit for the world and for the first ever Song By Toad Christmas party. I’ll cycle from here (West Cumbria) with my sleeping bag tied to the back.

    I know you’re all wondering, but I haven’t actually had a drop to drink.

  51. avatar

    Gav, you’ve ruined it. We were making a concerted effort to have Euan’s “I like bums” be the last post on this thread – egads, man!

    But you’re right. The Forest Cafe and I are discussing the possibility of a regular night in the Bristo Hall and I think kicking it off with a big Christmas Party might be a good idea. I’m meeting them this weekend to discuss, with a bit of luck.

  52. avatar

    Bugger. You’re right. It was a fitting last post. And then I go off blithering about me and my cycle arriving somewhere.

  53. avatar

    My bike comes.

  54. avatar

    I like bums

  55. avatar

    Euan likes bums.

  56. avatar


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