Fudge Yourself Five Ways From Friday
In order to get into a good mood for this weekend, how about some reasonably good news from the European Parliament? This recent vote slaps down the recent threats by ISPs to simply disonnect people accused of naughty file-sharing. The joy of this is not that I am necessarily in favour of completely unrestricted file-sharing of any and everything, but that if you are going to threaten something as drastic, in the 21st Century, as cutting off someone’s internet access then you had better have some independent oversight of this kind of decision. Law enforcement, basically, should be performed by law enforcement agencies, not by ISPs at the behest of the companies who give them most of their high value content.
It’s weird, here in Europe we seem to be stuck in between the Mercans and the Middle East at the moment, with moves like the one above which come dangerously close to mimicking the dangerous American taste for completely unaccountable law enforcement, which basically means no law at all. The on the other side, we’ve got the crazies in the Middle East trying to get the Declaration of Human Rights to include fucking idiotic clauses that state that it is a violation of someone’s human rights to have their religious sensibilities. Without wishing to offend anyone’s religious sensibilities, fuck you, fuck your infantile fairytales, and fuck right off and snivel yourself to sleep in the dark of your bedroom, coddled in your childish fantasies that we have some sort of privileged places in the universe, that anyone gives a fuck about your fucking feelings and that you won’t die and rot like every other living thing on Earth. You fucking baby.
I give the Americans a hard time over their dismantling of the rule of law in their own country, something we dismayingly seem to be trying to mimic on our side of the pond, but honestly, their freedom of speech laws, and specifically the First Amendment, would be very, very welcome in amongst all this craziness. I am reminded of the quote from legal scholar Ronald Dworkin: “the only right you don’t have in a democracy is the right not to be offended”. Quite. Fucking. So.
Anyway, it’s Friday, and we are having a half day here at Proper Job in order to go out for a meal this afternoon and then get biblically rat-arsed in the evening. So Izzy, if you’re reading this, beware of dribbling design engineers stumbling about your pub at about eight o’clock. Feel free to sling us all out – we’ll probably deserve it.
So without further ado, here’s your Five for Friday. Please take the opportunity, and try and treat the subject matter with some creativity – calling Christians a bunch of cunts isn’t very imaginative:
1. Cause some religious offence.
2. Cause some political offence.
3. Cause some musical offence.
4. Cause some national offence.
5. Cause some cultural offence.
That should do it – jihad by Saturday.
Tom Lehrer – National Brotherhood Week
Yukon – Sweden
Slow Club – Apples & Pairs
Yo La Tengo – Little Eyes
The Fiery Furnaces – Inca Rag/Name Game
Okay, let’s have a go shall we.
1. Jesus was clearly gay. Come on, hanging round with all those blokes, that hair, those sandals, all that talk of love – bent as a three-bob note.
2. Conservatism is anti-Christian. If you are a Republican or a Tory you cannot be a Christian as well.
3. That New Kids on the Block review? 100% sincere.
4. Scotland – a lovely province.
5. Ballet? Obsolete. Opera? Pointless. Classical music? Elitist obsession with an expired art form. Grow up. Move on.
1. Christianity, Islam and Juddaism are all the same fucking religion anyway, what are you all fighting over, you fucking bunch of retards?
2. I once appeared on stage with Screaming Lord Sutch. Really. That’s true.
3, 4 & 5. Click here
1. He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.
2. Cameron=Blair with even worse hair.
3. Metallica rock
4. America – look at us in Britain. Soon you will have our delusions of grandeur and the world won’t care.
5. He’s not the messiah… oh, already said that.
Yer welcome.
Darwin was right. Get over it.
Sadly, the real conservative choice in America is barack Obama.
I’d rather watch Midsomer Murders than Film 4
France: wake up. Your cheese is shit.
Indie music is for boring, safe middle class boring bastards. Like me.
1. I’ve a copy of the Qur’an, I use it as a doorstop.
2. Margaret Thatcher was the best thing that ever happened to this country.
3. James Blunt.
4. Scotland you’re my home, but face facts nobody else gives a fuck about Bannockburn.
5. Wankstains – http://www.tate.org.uk/modern/exhibitions/markrothko/default.shtm
1. I like the Bible – it’s not too rough on the buttocks.
2. George W Bush is an intellectual god.
3. Michael Bolton and Peter Andre
4. Only teams from Victoria should be allowed to compete in the AFL. Should interstate teams still be allowed to participate, they should only be allowed to play in the home and away season, and not be eligible to contest the finals series.
5. Elite sportsmen are not heroes. Don Bradman was not a hero, he was just good at hitting a cricket ball. Ian Thorpe is not a hero, he’s just got big feet. James Hird is not a hero, he’s just good at kicking a footy.
1. There’s a very thin line between absolute religious faith and mental illness.
2. There’s precious little point in voting if you’re not going to get involved in either political parties at a local level or major single issue campaigns at a local level – without that your ’say’ is pretty much meaningless.
3. Billy’s 2008 album was fucking awful. ALthough don’t anyone else dare say that, there’s in the family and out of the family.
4. I like the idea of being proud to be English and try to find things to hold on to and be proud about.
5. I can’t give a rat’s arse about most books by women. There’s the odd one that gets through but it’s a major exception and when it does it’s usually a genre novel.
1. Religion is always and totally a not so clever guise for misogynist domination wherein cocksucking, racist, and yet still largely homophobic bastards maintain their rule over women, children, and people of the lower classes by threats of eternal punishment and unending sorrow. The only bright side is that at least in Western religion, sexual pleasure is exorcised from the life of the dominated, so neiner neiner, neiner and fuck you all :p
2. Obama will rise to power on the blood of the workers just as all political leaders do. He’ll end up just like Bush in another 3 years time, mark my words. If voting ever changed anything they’d never let us all do it, eh?
3. I’m so fucking sick of indie music’s prudishness! For the love of christ, why can’t these white, middle class, skinny, unkempt men write one fucking song that addresses the pleasures of sex or the joys of a lover’s body (pick one! male or female we’ll not be stressed out), or the delicious juiciness of a sexual encounter? Do indie musicians really not ever get laid?! OMG someone give these boys a shag already! Or is it that they’re all secretly British and feel that the subject matter is not for public consumption, because that is truly fucking sad. Why must we listen to hip hop (that nasty, awful genre of NONmusic) to get a sexy fucking song?I’ve honestly had it.
4. see #3 you Brits
5. I like haggis.
1. Jesus Saves! Moses Invests.
2. The main problem with the British political system is the lack of white men.
3. The only song better than Hot Blooded by Foreigner is Bringin’ On The Heartbreak by Def Leppard.
4. Scotland is a colony of a faded Empire, and you’d all be speaking a glottal patois of German and Russian if it weren’t for the wisdom and generosity of the American people.
5. Eating deep-fried Mars bars is just fucking disgusting, and you should stop doing it.
I like the way you get one brownish presidential candidate and suddenly US politics is a frothing cauldron of diversity. At least we’ve elected one of our tokens.
I really like these ones so far:
“If voting ever changed anything they’d never let us all do it, eh?”
“There’s a very thin line between absolute religious faith and mental illness.” There’s a difference?
Always good to see Tom Lehrer on here, Toad! My dad’s a minister and my Parents love his stuff. He also found the reverend Obadiah Steepenwolf character hysterically funny too.
Oh, and not that this is likely to cause anyone offence (I don’t think so, anyway), but if anyone fancies spreading the word about 17 Seconds’ latest signing, then let me know…
I was being politic, although that wasn’t really the point was it? Alright, there’s no discernible difference between somebody becoming annoyed with you because your interrupting their imaginary four foot tall purple and green spotted racing cat whilst she talks them about their predictions for the winner of the 1972 Derby and somebody who tries to comfort you by saying you’ll meet your dead parents again in heaven one day.
‘If voting changed anything they’d abolish it’ was the title of Ken Livingstone’s book about the abolition of the GLC.
Nice Adam, stick the boot in, that’s more like it. Anyone got anything to say to really annoy atheists? This should be an equal-opportunities offensive post you know – I don’t want anyone feeling excluded.
Hello Ed – Aberfeldy, nice one. Are you going to spam the internets to get bloggers on your side and stuff? It’s tedious, but probably worth doing.
Almost certainly! Will email you to get your advice…ed
Here’s one for the atheists. Evolution is nothing more than a secular religion, and those who embrace it as “truth” are no less intolerant and self-righteous than your typical ultramontane Carmelite nun. And also, the reason most people don’t buy into atheism is that it essentially requires them to treat their subjective experience of “religious” grace as if it were mere hallucination or self-deception. People are naturally reluctant to accept a worldview that requires them to believe they’re crazy.
You’ve had your five C&B, piss off.
Aha! It worked!
As reliable as the fucking sunrise.
As reliable as God’s precious love, don’t you mean?
What the fuck are you even doing up at this hour? Isn’t it something like 8am over there?
Are you kidding? If I roll out of the fartsack after 7 am I consider that “sleeping in.” It’s called children.
Well you can’t blame anyone but yourself for that one. I’m on Fresh Air at the moment you know. Tune on in.
If C&B wants an extra go, he can have one of my spares from my 3, 4 & 5 cheat.
Fresh Air FM won’t open. Have you broken it?
freshair.org.uk and click the ‘listen live’ button.
And yes, Elton John.
I got on Fresh Air Dylan, and I’ll have you know that Matthew is sporting a lovely argyle jumper this afternoon. I’ll just bet he’s wearing socks to match.
Nope, their web hosts are there but there’s nothing get past that from my end.
You’ll never know what nuggets of radio genius you’ll be missing out on then. Actually, my podcast should be up by now – you could listen to that instead.
I’m currently playing Mumford & Sons, just to rub it in!
Bastard
Now Player Piano – now this is truly great.
That ‘evolution is just secular religion’ bollocks is bollocks. I’m quite happy for you not to accept scientific method and the enlightenment and all that just so long as you don’t use things like the internal combustion engine and absolutely all of its products, vaccination or indeed any modern medicine, electronics, clothes, food or gravity. I may add to that list after having a bit more of a think.
I do accept the “scientific method” and all that flows from it. Its just that I believe its all a deception thrown into our eyes by Satan.
C’mon! I was just trying to “create religious offence.” I don’t actually believe any of that bullshit.
Well done C&B – result!
Ah religion…had people of faith from all the main world’s major religions praying to their gods but it achieved nothing. Not funny. But true.
http://ependyparent.blogspot.com/
That was inspired – Almost spluttered Sunday morning breakfast onto the keyboard as I read the bit after ‘without wishing to offend’. Top work
Religion ..its all only for people with nothing better to do or coffin dodgers who are probably just spread betting.
The only people into politics at uni were the knobs who didnt get invited to the pub. Look where they ended up.
Pigeon Detectives and anyone else with bouncy hair, its not required
Wales- Scotland with smaller hills and lots of lovely country pads for the English
X- Factor Tv made by the people for the people and its ace.
Vegetarians are just plant-killers. What’s the dfference? What makes a hogwort’s life any less worthy than a hog’s? Who are they to judge anyway? Vegetarians should be sent back-packing to famine-ridden hotspots. With instructions as to how they should be eaten.
Atheists are just dyslexic sprinters.
“Rastafarianism” itself is offensive to Rastas. And why aren’t they all in Ethiopia anyway? Self-imposed exile doesn’t count.
Atheists critical of religion are merely jealous and insecure about their own lack of understanding of life.
If you can’t listen to God, what hope have you in marriage? Doomed. Do what she tells you, really.
Agnostics can’t even count, never mind form a serious religous opinion.
Just noticed that not all 5 lines were the same. Woops. Guess I’m a bit focussed on my own self-important specialist subject. I’ll have a go at anything, though, me. Well, anything except a decimal calendar. Bit of a shame about that: think I forgot to mention the creation of wine on the sixth day. Had a stinker of a hangover on the seventh and haven’t done sweet FA since.
That’s the benefits system for you. (see above)
Independent really should mean that you’re toilet-trained and can wash yourself, so how come all Indie fans look & smell like shit?
At least if you offend the English they’ve always got a handkerchief to wipe away the tears: if they’re not waving them about with bells on (am sure Morris-dancing was a major contributory factor in the spread of the Bubonic Plague) then they’ve tried to remember 4 things and stuck them on their sunburnt bonces (sun tan lotion evidently coming in as the fifth thing to remember)
Any country which has a national drink imported from Ireland (probably originally from China), a national instrument from Mesopotamia, a French-based word for it’s national clothe (tiretaine) and is actually named after Medieval refugees should surely be the most accepting cosmopolitan land. Where they’ll dress up, march around and play gleeful songs to celebrate 400 year old religious massacres in another country? Indeed, my real five to fudge are:
1. Orange Walks
2. Orange Walks
3. Orange Walks
4. Orange Walks
5. Orange Walks
I’m wondering whether this might actually really be God.
It’s either God or Paddy McAloon.
Ooh, we’re getting good here. I saw an excllent bumper sticker recently that read:
Militant Agnostic: I’m not sure and neither are you.
Can I confess to being god? Or would that phrasing jeopardise my impartial Partick thistle status?
I’m god and so’s my wife.
well, she is heavenly in the bedroom, her favourite of course being goddy style.
That was such a shit pun I think it actually caused me physical pain.
It’s the first thing that’s made me laugh all day…
Don’t, Ed, you’ll only end up encouraging him!