Micah P. Hinson & the Red Empire Orchestra
For once I am going to disagree with the exiled Scottish miscreant Tim, who writes the Daily Growl. It’s going to sound a bit like having an argument over which Celine Dion song is the worst, and I suppose it is, but he reckons that Gospel of Progress was better than Opera Circuit and that Mr. Hinson is now back to his best. I, on the other hand, reckon that Opera Circuit was marginally better (and by better I mean the level of goosebumps that it inspired, nothing objective, obviously) than Gospel of Progress. I loved the tortured howl of Opera Circuit, all the more so after seeing it performed live and witnessing the twisted, tortuous delivery, like a man possessed. So as you can see, Tim and I have clearly fallen out irrevocably.
My take on Red Empire Orchestra is that is the slightest of slips from the giddy heights of its predecessors. It’s steadier, less furious and tortured, and often more simply beautiful that either of them, and this is probably why I like it slightly less. One thing is for sure though, Micah P. Hinson is perhaps the most emotionally gripping singer or songwriter out there at the moment. You never, ever hear a word he sings without thinking that he means every last ounce of it.
Melodically, this album has a sort of rich beauty that is a marked change from the desolation of his first and the rage of his second. It’s more settled, I think. His banjo led, string smothered Americana presumably started with some sort of dusty crossover of folk, blues and country, but it is now entirely Micah’s own. He has a taste for borderline-classical string arrangements as well, with this album’s I Keep Having These Dreams an almost direct analogue of Little Boy’s Dream from the previous one.
Anyway, whatever, I’m rambling. This is a lovely album. Buy it.
Micah P. Hinson – Tell Me it Ain’t So
Micah P. Hinson – Throw the Stone
Off to see him tonight actually – can’t wait. I really, really like Red Empire Orchestra. There’s something so very brittle about it.
For once I completely agree with you matthew. opera circuit is also my favourite and for the same reasons as you. i do love everything he has done though and only marginally love one album more than the other. he’s awesome.
My fingers are very firmly crossed for that interview at End of the Road. It might be difficult, but it could be really interesting as well.
i’d love to see him again. was the bongo club at the time of the baby & the satellite last time i saw him -which for the record is also genius.
I think Ian from Broken Records was at that one. I was at the Cabaret Voltaire gig a couple of years ago, and at the ABC2 gig in Glasgow a little before that, but haven’t seen him for a couple of years now. He was supposed to play End of the Road last year, but had to pull out with back problems.
well you’re a lucky man. I missed the cab vol show – graeme and david were there. i had a ticket but something came up which pissed me off. i forget what but know it pissed me off! anyways, i do love the new album. nothing will ever beat “don’t leave me now” though – one of my favourite songs ever.
“All By Myself” is my least favorite Celine Dion song.
really? I can think of worse songs.
(I’ll ignore the fact that we may have stumbled across the point Matthew was trying to make, and see how far we can run with this before he starts swearing at us…)
Really? Worse Celine Dion songs than ‘All By Myself’?
Sure, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ sticks out in the mind more, but that’s because you’vehad it forced upon you more times?
‘All By Myself’ is a far inferior piece of work.
i’d argue that some of mariah carey’s tunes are worse. but would also argue that somebody like Celine Dion is expected to write fairly commercial and annoying songs. right?
if only I had a pound for everytime matthew started swearing at us bart.
Despite the fact i adore The Gospel, i didn’t purchase any other albums until recently Red Empire, which is sublime, but lacking some of the darkness. Not sure if its a negative thing though, feels like progress. You’ve convinced me to give a listed to Opera Circuit.
Missing End of Road as someone has to man the pumps at the pub whilst bosses are on holiday, but am going to Stereo in November hopefully!
Sorry if i’ve interupted ur run of real music issues! Surely Heart will go on, is the biggest pile of S***
Opera Circuit is brilliant.
Heart will go on is shit.
me being me – i like the darkness. i miss the darkness. happiness is progress? what???
oh yeah – forgot he was playing stereo!! genius.
Does Heart Will Go On score higher on the Shit-O-Meter because it is so fucking ubiquitous and was henced forced on beyond the realms of human endurance? Had it been a little less vigorously rubbed in our faces I might hate it less. *Maybe*
Anyhow, Euan has an interesting point: how miserable do we have a right to expect our artists to be in order to maintain consistent output of bilious, grief-stricken, miserable (and hence brilliant) music?
Counter-example: Clem Snide – Soft Spot. Happy, yet brilliant.
I think that, even though Gospel and apparently Opera are genius, the tortured soul stuff has to take a turn one way or t’uther, it feels like part of a journey, i like that.
Not sure its happy, yet though!
I only have one Micah P Hinson song on my iPod, but I do like it. Anyone up for a wee lend of any CDs?
(Matthew will have to discourage that last request in the strongest terms to have any hope of getting MPH’s people to agree to that EOTR interview.)
Celine Dion’s well ugly.
And shit.
But want to know something cool? I bought a Stylophone today!
I rule.
Indeed I was at that Bongo Club & Cab Vol show. Also saw him at the Venue a couple of years ago (just before it closed) as part of the Tryptych festival thing. Splendid bill again with Sam Prekop and Archer Prewitt doing solo sets (+tiny bit of Sea & Cake stuff together), Micah then The Earlies headlining, but oddly not backing him. Alas, his show at Latitude wasn’t quite all it should have been largely due to the atrocious sound and playing in an enormous tent. I always think his stuff works best when it’s up close in your face in a tiny venue.
Agree that Red Empire Orchestra hasn’t moved me in the way the other 2 have (not counting baby and the satellite due to it’s bloody weird layout!) but it still is proper good, and one of the albums I’ve enjoyed most this year. I also love the consistency of the artwork for Gospel of Progress, Opera Circuit & Red Empire Orchestra with the same battered typewriter font and his b&w photos of aesthetically pleasing lady people.
I think the solution might be to stop arguing about which one is best and just utilise the wonders of iTunes (yeah Matthew, you heard. What you gonna do about it?) to bung all the tracks together from the 4 albums into one playlist, maybe throw in the Late Cord too, and hit shuffle.
Might work….
Stylophone’s are awesome! Can you play Rolf Harris’s “Two Little Boys” on it yet?
Ah, Ian, you have some Late Cord stuff? What’s it like? I was going to buy some this week and then the depressing realisation of my desperate financial straits hit home.
I note with some slight reservations that he is due to play the main stage at EotR, not the Bimble Inn (and mercifully not the fucking awful Big Top) so it mightn’t be as cool as it could have been. We’ll see though. And of course, there’s the Stereo show.
Fuck off with your fucking iTunes (although mine did sererndipitously select British Sea Power and The Ramones when I put on loud music to upset our hippy neighbour last night, forgetting I’d left the thing on random).
Izzy – you’re right, he can’t just carry on being tortured and miserable. Never mind being a nightmare for the man himself, from a musical perspective it would a/ be very, very hard work, and b/ start to wear a bit thin eventually(David Gedge).
I can’t do Two Little Boys yet, but I’ll get to work on it when I get home..
I can play the Star Trek theme on a slide whistle, though..
Actually. I was excited enough about the Stylophone that I nearly got it out to have a go in work after my lunchbreak..
I thought to myself “Right, how can I get away with playing a Stylophone in the middle of a big open-plan office and no-one noticing?” and then I thought “Ah-ha! They come with a headphone socket now.. Splendid!”
Then I realised that just preventing everyone else from hearing it didn’t get me around the problem that I’d still be sat in the middle of the office blatantly playing the Stylophone..
Bugger.
You must be really popular at parties.
I love Micah P. Hinson, but this record isn’t even available in the States yet, except on import. I wish he’d play more gigs in the States, as well. He’s virtually unknown in much of the country.
It isn’t? Bloody hell, no wonder I had such a hard time finding it when I was over there recently. I looked for it in every record shop we went into (which was a few) and no dice anywhere. I was beginning to think I was cursed.
The Late Cord stuff is a lot more ambient, glitchy drones loops, lovely strings, lots of electronics and quite bleak sounding. In short, great! I’ll e-mail a track as a taster.
From my iTunes library of course.
But of course.
I want to hear Late Cord too – sounds awesome! special micah p hinson treat for those coming to village on friday promised.
ps Ian I also love the consistency to his art work and lettering. magic.
Micah P. Hinson, Clwb Ifor Bach, Cardiff, 03 09 08
Last night was superb. Genuinely superb. Absentee played a blinder, to a crowd half-interested/there for the MPH. The debut wasn’t a worldchanger, but the stuff I’ve heard from their forthcoming is excellent (there’s a brilliant track on their myspace right now).
What was amazing, for me, was Dan Michaelson’s voice – his speaking voice certainly had this baritonal nature, & it certainly gave you fair warning for what was to come once the music started. & when it did come, my my: such a rich & controlled vocal, & not at all strained. It was mad to chat with him because you can hear how full & strong his voice is. Absentee got the support slot because they share agents in the UK with MPH & are pretty much along for the whole tour; if you’re in two minds about them, like Toad seems to be, they’ll definitely be worth checking out because they’ve grown up a lot since 2006’s Schmotime.
As for Hinson. Hell, what can I say? I saw him outside the venue 20minutes before he was about to take the stage & he was nervy & fidgety & chatty. He was with a beautiful woman, whom I mistook for his manager or agent, who turned out to be the woman he dedicated MPH & The Red Empire Orchestra to & who modelled for the inlay: Ashley Bryn Gregory. Turns out, we were told towards the end of the gig, by a really chipper Hinson, that 5 months prior, following an on-stage proposal at the Union Chapel, London, Ashley married him. Made him “the happiest man in the whole world”. She sat, quietly, to the right of the amazing drummer/multi-instrumentalist (Phelps) & Hinson, looking like ‘management’ in her stoicism.
Around 8 songs in, she suddenly burst into life – well, not burst, exactly; moreso quietly shunted her wooden pub chair forward so she could reach the bright orange keyboard resting on a wooden pub table. A Hammond, Hinson referred to it as, & it certainly had the quality of a talent-hammered organ, but it was essentially a very sophisticated synth-mimic that pulled these amazing choral organ sounds & chopped up the already buddy hollyesque guitar sounds & perfect drum rhythms.
Hinson is quite an amazing performer – on stage, his fragile songs transform into these fierce, electric squawks & wails; they’re almost feral. His voice, at once note perfect, staggeringly off-key & urgently screeching, was inspirational. When he played guitar solo, with the lightest of touches & the most complicatedly simple fretwork, as he often did across the almost 2hrs of the gig, his voice lifted the shitty ceiling of the crappy Clwb Ifor Bach into a cathedral acoustic aesthetic. The sound guy (who I know through other people, but his name escapes) did a remarkable job balancing the hushed tonal skittishness of his fingerwork against the often booming but delicious, caffeine-wracked, cigarette coated vocals. Even with the fucking ‘indie disco’ thumping away downstairs, threatening to submerge the awkward silences between the ‘I Fucking Mean This With Every Fibre’ sung lyrics, Hinson won & the sense of awe & presence around him was immense. Almost reverential.
The audience, not a sell-out, but a genuinely good turn out, was a strange mix. Students (who, fuck me, look 12 these days – I am old, Ma), indie kid drop outs, coffee table middle class media types, someone’s mums & dads & aunts (I kid you not, there was a pearls & knitwear section to the audience!), obvious bloggers, not-so obvious bloggers, record shop employees, record label monkeys, a group of people who looked like they took the wrong turn on the way to a rugby club variety night, & a 50-something fella, who looked a little homeless/alcohol-dependent, who stood directly in front of TWoTH & I, farting every 15minutes. That’s the problem, as we know, with banning cigarettes in the clubspace: you can smell everything. All those obnoxious or odd people smells, pee-yew…
It was a great night. Musically I was picked up, sat down, spoken to, slapped around a bit, sung to slumber, gently rocked to sleep, head & hair stroked, urgently kissed by a whore. Hinson’s stage presence was immediate – visually he’s a cartoon Shane MacGowan crossed with an Armed Forces era Elvis Costello. Musically, he stabs & lunges & punches the strings of his acoustic & electric guitar, which are strapped high on his chest, as he waddles & squats & pulls full body shapes & feels his way around his part of the stage, very much like Jonathan Richman. He pulls faces like a guitar player should, in all the right places, at all the right times. & he is an effortless guitar player: delicate, confident, precise.
Talking with Dan from Absentee we both remarked on what a fine stringsmith Hinson was – thrumming & plucking & manipulating chords & tonal arrangements with such an alarming confidence it almost makes you sick with envy. His acoustic & banjo duet/duel with Phelps was one of the highlights of the evening; astonishing fingery, pitch perfect vocals, which had the whole room genuinely spellbound. At one point, as the banjo & the acoustic zipped & flew about the PA, looking at Hinson in his slightly dishevelled suit, white cowboy short with black detail trim, black tie & his over-sized NHS-style glasses, I whispered to TWoTH: ‘Welcome To The 1950s’.
As an aside, but not really, as this is kind of in response to the post regarding the new LP: Red Empire Orchestra’s songs were written for & about his new wife. Each was arranged by a host of characters (popping in from The Polyphonic Spree, etc.) as his usual arranger was unavailable. He was produced by someone else for the first time. He’s allowed the process he so guarded to be shared out & worked on/over by people he has no emotional connection with. He allowed himself to be told what to do & how many times to repeat a take before someone else was satisfied with it, & not just him.
I personally think this is a brilliant album. You can hear the freedom &, by God, the happiness in Hinson since his years of shitty luck. There appears to be a release of pressure. I think you’ll go back to this album again & again, because it talks an awful lot more than the previous (as good as they were), it is communicating, & in my humble opinion is down to the involvement of outsiders. He’s been opened up & it suits him.
That was always the trouble with the Welsh club, it’s such a ramshackle shitty venue threatening to fall to bits at any minute that you can’t help but love it.
I often felt like telling the door staff to fuck right off when then they asked if I could speak Welsh before letting me in (I’m more Welsh than any of you! It’s not my fault my folks decamped up to England looking for work!) but instead I just went with the normal “Yep – I’ve just started learning..” response to blag my way in..
Very mixed feelings about that place, nice to know it’s still living and breathing. Bit of a shame it’s just about the only venue in town for this sort of gig.
Oh, and fucking top review, by the way DC… Meant to say that.
Great review DC, but I’m afraid this phrase rather amazed me. It can’t be what I think it is:
“…asked if I could speak Welsh before letting me in…”
Erm, what?
great review.
Ha. It doesn’t happen anymore, Toad/Dylan (what a Frankenstein’s monster that would be! A ToaDylan… I digress…).
It used to be, back in the day when the language Nazis were trying to exert some control over the cultural emphasis in Cardiff/Wales, Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club, to us non-speakers) had a Welsh Speaking only policy for most of the working week. This put a lot of people out because they’d have English singing bands hidden away in this ring of exclusivity. Ignorant bastards.
Since the bad old days, Clwb has changed hands, been refurbished (i.e. painted), & has better bands on. There still exists a Welsh Only night once in a blue moon, but in general it’s picked up. The problem is CIB is just a shitty dump – always has been, always will be. Its layout is awkward, the stage room is too small & usually kills the acoustic. The ground floor is badly, badly designed – toilets right at the back of the dance floor? Come on… The chill out room on the second floor is the nicest environment, but you have to put up with ‘in the making’ supa-sta DJs (or, in Welsh, Wankas).
Great review – got me all excited about November.
Ian’s right, the artwork is some of the lovliest i’ve seen on album covers. I always wondered if that was his wife on the last one….. and now i know.
Thanks DC
A Toad/Dylan, eh?
Fascinating concept. It would be handsome, witty, charming and it would host an internet indie music blog. Bizarre!
Oh, bugger, I forgot to mention in the review that Ashley was only performing because Hinson had fired his bassist mid-tour. The guy had quit a $40,000pa job to tour with Hinson & when he hit Brighton (I think it was) he, in the words of MPH, “decided he wanted to be a tourist instead, so I fired his ass”.
As a result, to augment the performance, Ashley stepped up & sat down to play her lovely organ.
she is very lovely. the photos in the sleeve are excellent – and I’m not talking about her inparticular, just think they are lovely photos. I think art work is so important when it comes to music, I mean the art, the packaging, the whole lot. obviously at our level we are restricted to what we can do but I put as much thought into how the whole thing looks as i do the music. i think it’s very important to me and I think it comes across how important to micah p hinson it is too. it’s beautifully put together. the music, the packaging, the art, his wife. ;o) it’s a lovely piece of work.
any advances on dylan and matthew for friday at the village? i never ever attempt to play cover versions (well bar that one time we played super trouper – don’t go there bart!!) but plan to attempt a micah p hinson song cause this whole blog got me so excited about his music again.
i might even drink gin.
What time are you on ?
Oooh – gin!
i don’t know when we’re on yet. that’s half the fun of these leith gigs! i like the thought of it being one big gin soaked, song by toad fest though. just so you know though, i’m miserable with no signs of a “less miserable” album, or song for that matter, on the horizon….so nobody try and change me.
Do you like gin, Matthew?
So you won’t be doing that cover version you do of Agadoo on Friday then, Euan?
Depends on how much gin he has, I suspect.
Euan, my suggestion would be to cover either Don’t You (pt 1 & 2) or Stand In My Way
Was at the same Cardiff gig, great review – trying to identify myself in DC’s take on the audience. Don’t remember farting, so hopefully that’s not me. Though clearly I am alcohol dependent, what kind of pervert isn’t? Amazing album, amazing gig.
I’m going for Wasted Away. it made me smile (and almost cry) last night when my wife came through to the music room and said – that song you were playing when I was on the phone was really lovely – and I realised it was Micah P Hinsons.
as for covers of agadoo – enough gin and we’ll all be at the port of leith singing bon jovi at the top of our voices with the locals my friend. trust me. it’s the making of any real man.
I’ll be pulling pints for the locals who are more interested in eating than music that night, but thought i might be able to pop in a bit later. The MPH cover should be repeated if ever you grace the stage there again.
You should be able to find us. We’ll be the drunk ones in the corner spilling our gins and arguing about whether the Kays Lavelle need a Stylophone player.
Norris, can I put myself out on a limb here & ask if you were the guy at the front taking photos & clapping to the intros of songs (ie knowing what they were ahead of the pack) & whooping at MPH’s general choices? The guy I’m thinking of had brown or dark short hair, a beard, in his 40s, & at some point after the gig went to Caroline Street & bought something to munch on the way home?
Christ DC, did you follow him home as well?
Caroline Street’s a fair old stretch from The Welsh Club too.
That’s quite a dogged bit of stalking!
Norris, if I were you I’d be very cautious when you’re next out and about in Cardiff. It just doesn’t sound safe – weirdos everwhere.
definitely need a stylophone player. do you know one dylan?
izzy, if I’m drunk enough I’ll bring the piano to the kings wark and do it all again – or everyone back to mine for a gig at tower street and all night drinking session?!
It’s the beard, Matthew!
Norris has a beard, which DC enthusiastically noted above. DC also got very excited about your indie beard the other day.
The man clearly has something of a fetish!
ps – only kidding about all night drinking sesh. that would not go down well!
The reason I noticed this particular guy is because he was at the front, very vocal, very enthusiastic, taking lots of photos & videos, spoke for some time to Absentee before I got a chance (truth is I was busy downing my 4th Guiness at that stage), and seemed to be everywhere I turned in the place. The reason he stuck out from everyone else there was he was wearing light colours (almost looked like a full denim composite) & I thought he looked like a journalist or a serial blogger.
After the gig TWoTH & I headed to Chip Pan Alley for some pre-taxi munching & who should busy past but the same bloody guy.
If Norris & he are the same guy then that’s fucking mad – he was everywhere I turned & now he’s upping the ante by appearing on this blog/post.
That doesn’t explain the beard thing, though, DC.
helluva comments on here already and some of them even agree with you on the Empire Orchestra / Opera Circuit issue. So looks like I’m in the minority, but I love you all anyway…
so anyways, wasn’t this post about which Celine Dion song is worst??
I’d noticed, from pics & videos, Toad’s scruffy shadow, scruffier smudge, then his goatee appear over the many months previous, but the interview video is the first time I have ever seen him with a full-on please can I join your band, now, please?
As for the guy who may or may not be Norris, there were some similar characters banging about but most had their chops free from indie credentials.
It comes and goes, DC, but it’s been there for the last three years at the very least. Generally the level of foliage is determined by where in the following cycle I am at the time: a couple of months of not shaving, followed by a tantrum from myy midget companion, followed by the clippers, followed by a couple of months of not shaving, etc etc…
Hello Tim. Well not everyone agrees. Izzy is on your side for sure, and I can’t remember who else exactly. But at least one, with me and Euan being the sulky ones who prefer the misery and pain. And seeing as you’re here, what is the worst Celine Dion song, in your experience?
(Oh, and there was never a goatee. Except when I was 17 and tried unsuccessfully to grow a grunge one.)
Never mind Euan, if you need to be tucked up in bed at a reasonable hour, i’ll make a point of catching your set some other time. Sure we can’t encourage you into a happier place? More gin…….?
So The Village people on Friday will be Matthew, me, Izzy when she finishes her shift, Euan before he heads off to bed after his..
Anyone else popping along?
How about that Donnelly chap? He’s usually up for a pint.
no you are missing the point. i will be there to the death – just can’t have parties at the flat after.
all good.
come to think of it. will be a fair few beards on show at village on friday which DC might really like. Dead Beat Club are playing too which I did not know.
No-one better send him a picture. He’ll be wanking over it for months.
Look you fuckers, I was planning on playing some Eagleowl tonight. I might not, now, just to spite you.
Is it because of Bart’s beard?
No-one from Eagleowl was mean, it was people from Song, by Toad and Uhersky Brod and The Kays Lavelle.
Let it be a warning to you: misbehave & ALL might suffer. Think on.
i was not nasty – I said he might like it – not – he might wank over it for months!!
poor bart.
I meant a picture of the Gathering of Indie Beards, not a picture of Bart. That would just be wrong.
I already have a laminated picture of Bart.
i have many picrtures of bart. none of which have been wanked over. the man is an edinburgh music icon though so those unfamiliar with the city may lust over him. indie beards are in – but none of us sport a beard close to his higness of rock.
me and you, we look like musketeers – in fact I will challenge you to a stupid musketeer type facial hair challenge! *slaps mr toad in face with glove*
ps – see even the cover picture of micah p hinson’s new album is hot! you don’t see her face but gosh it’s hot. am i the only kid that is still fucked up by stockings? I blame melanie griffiths in working girl!
oh yeah – izzy – can you sing??
Three-post mentalism!
My head hurts. I invited Hinson over to your blog to read our reviews, Toad, & he has these comments to swim through? Jaysus…
Please tell me you didn’t. I’ve asked the poor man for an interview at End of the Road, for fuck’s sake. If he sees me coming after reading all this bollocks he’s going to run in the other direction as fast as he can.
why would he run??? he’s jsut read a fuckin awesome review, my complete adoration of his music and general love of his tunes……and you never know, he might like ginger beards?!
& the fact you want to bone his newly wed. O! The Humanity!
Erm, yes. Less of that, thanks.
he’d want to bone mine if he met her.
I am deleting this whole fucking shambles in a minute.
I love this. I’m live on air & have decided not to mention the gig tonight as it’s a show about my US trip – but I’m killing myself over this & it’s a struggle not to mention it.
)
I am recording a podcast. I’m two thirds of the way through (just putting on some Eef Barzelay) and will join in a sec when I’m done.
And I am also not thinking about boning anyone’s missus but my own, you bunch of filth-monkeys.
Yes, I’m thinking that too.
FFS
Fucking hell you lot are weird.
What are these podcasts going to sound like?..
Sexy Time.
Sensible, Dylan. Mine is very sensible. I drank tea all through it instead of gin.
(So in other words, dull)
Christ, what happened to ths thread? Have you had a chance to listen to The Late Cord yet?
Nope, because it’s an m4a which my work computer won’t play. Waiting until this evening at home.
I apologise for the thread and hang my head in shame.
Ooh! Ooh! Remind me to bring my Rock Beards Top Trumps set on Friday.
I think you’ll all enjoy it.
I haven’t laminated them yet though. That might have to be a priority.
Ah, that’ll be cos it’s from iTunes. i’m beginning to see your point…..
I have a rock beard too (although it’s not as luxuriant as it has been in the past) – do I get into the club?
Only if you start typing your email address into the little box thingy when you leave comments so I don’t have to approve every single one.
And yes Ian, your beard is very lovely. Second only to Bart in bushiness and general splendour (or it was, anyway – I don’t know what you’ve done to it since).
this must be a new low for this site.
Unfortunately my Rock Beards set is a couple of years old now, and features the likes of Kenny Rogers, Jeff Lynne and that David Bellamy-esque hedgerow that Phil Collins sported in the late 1970s.
Although there is certainly scope for bringing things up to date with a special Edinburgh edition.
The rock beards are awarded points for things like length, coverage, volume, sculpture etc.
So, for example, a particularly bushy specimen as sported by the lads from ZZ Top will score well in a few departments, but one of Prince’s craftsmanlike creations will always beat it in the sculpture stakes..
Wow, I left you for a night!!
Well you won’t be making that mistake again, will you?!
Ignore them Izzy, they’re freaks. You come over here —> with me in the normal corner and leave these perverts to get on with it.
(Actually, a Song, by Toad Indie Beard Top Trumps Set would be an idea so splendid I get the giggles just thinking about it)
It’s gonna happen…
there used to be a website where if you spotted edinburgh musicians you got points. there were 4 or 5 leagues – think the kays lavelle were in division 4 – not sure if we ever got promoted. anyways, had a look but cannot find it.
as for taking izzy into corners matthew. who is the pervert now?!
welcome back izzy.
)
Don’t forget to add Andy and Dave to to the top trumps – Dave would get extra points for gingerness! Not sure whether Jamie & Rory should be allowed due to the sporadic nature of beard/clean shaven policy.
I’m thinking we might need to adapt the rules of the master set for the Edinburgh Song, By Toad special edition though…
You see, in the master set, a beard must show visible growth along the jaw or below the lower lip in order to qualify. This ruling effectively excluded the solo moustache.
We would have to waive this rule for the Song By Toad special edition because Matthew would be most upset if Gregor Sparrow’s splendid facial furniture was disqualified on such a pedantic technicality.
Yes, there needs to be a wildcard factor linked to consistency of beardage I think. Otherwise some chancer like that Sutherland fellow could just grow a silly beard part time instead of showing true devotion to the cause.
That moustache is staying in, whatever anyone says.
graeme kays lavelle has also sported a beard for some time now. and our bassist and drummer could grow beards in about 20 minutes i reckon.
there is a real lack of shaving in edinburgh bands.
oh yeah – and we are tagged in a photo form limbo as the beardiest band in edinburgh – though we did have bart involved at the time.
Bart could join Girls Aloud and make them the beardiest band in, well, anywhere..
Has anyone seen the documentary Growin’ A Beard? It has a soundtrack by The Gourds & is about a small town in Texas & a beard growin’ contest on St. Patrick’s day every year.
Go here for a smile: http://www.growinabeard.com/
As much as i would like to be classed as a normal person Matthew, I have to point out as a female member of this forum (despite Dylan’s speculation), I do like a good beard – a subcatagory should be attractiveness to other sex? I will offer my services as judge – i’m that helpful!
I was just about to order that Growin’ A Beard DVD, then I realised it would be region 1.
Bugger!
It looks brilliant.
The following categories, then:
1. Volume
2. Grooming
3. Colour (brown is boring, ginger is top marks)
4. Features (say, incorporating a nicely waxed handlebar or some splendid muttonchops, for example)
5. Devotion (is it a part time beard, or a real labour of love)
6. Lady-pleasing factor, as judged by Izzy.
Any others?
Guys, seriously.
What the fuck is going on?
(ps Laminated Bart photos available to order from the eagleowl website shortly)
Extra category – Object Retention. ie- is the beard durable enough to physically hold items of use, such as pens, guitar picks, loose change, laminated pictures of Bart, snacks or a small mp3 player?
I’m sporting a nice orange pencil in my beard right now and it’s holding a treat. (Other people are looking at me kind of funny though…)
my beard is ginger in the light – does that count as being ginger?
also – do you get better marks for grooming or worse? cause criag david had a beard of sorts but I wouldn’t give that 10 out fo 10.
and finally, if izzy says you’re not attractive to the opposite sex – what do you do then? obviously those with women folk will survive, but surely we should spare a thought for those who go away feeling plain ugly.
also what about the texture of the beard? if it’s soft it’s going to be less anoying to a woman. I think this is an important issue being overlooked. no woman wants a rash from a beard. right?
Maybe we need a spreadsheet and a committee. We could nominate a Grand Inquisitor of Beards to adjudicate on all matters of dispute.
(And if Izzy says you’re not attractive to the opposite sex then I think suicide is the only answer)
The categories in the Master Edition are, if memory serves (I don’t carry the pack of cards around with me everywhere..):
Length
Volume
Coverage
Colour
Sculpture
Legend
Legend is an interesting one because it refers to the beard’s standing in the pantheon of Rock Beards, and not necessarily the wearer’s status amongst his peers.
For example, I think we can all agree Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees is a bit of a wanker; but that beard he wore in the seventies was simply magnificient, particularly when complimented by the boufant hairdo and the oh-so-tight white suit.
There’s also an additional category for tie-breakers called Hirsute Merit, which is an average of the scores from all the other categories. That category can only be used in the event of a draw, however.
so does that mean your hair and beard combined are a consideration also??
Not really in the overall game, which is strictly about the beard; but the Legend category does deal somewhat in intangibles such as how the beard makes you feel when you think about it, so perhaps extaneous factors do creep in there. It’s difficult to say, and I think each case has to be dealt with on its own merits.
You’re buggered then Euan.
In fact, whatever the criteria might be, this man is clearly the winner.
Damn, that’s ginger!
And he has an exquisitely coiffed moustache integrated into his beard. The fellow is a champion amongst men.
penalty points in the legend game for ginger hair though surely?
I think we need to establish whether to go ahead with a Volume and a Coverage category in the Song, By Toad Special Edition™.
I think it’s importnt to note the difference. To put it simply; Coverage refers to the amount of face from which follicles sprout forth, and you can imagine volume as perhaps the number of follicles per square inch.
So, to use your beard as an example, Matthew; you’d score really well on coverage because it does seem to be sprouting from any number of unexpected places, but when it comes to volume it’s not really happening for you, is it?
hahahaha. in your face toad.
Matthew – you asked what I think is the worst Celine Dion song. I only know one (I think) which is the Titanic one. I was actually sent a copy of her latest album by a dozy PR last year, but of course I didn’t listen to it.
BUT I realise that this is really all about beards now. My advice: grow your beard, then shave off the beard bit leaving only the moustache. Then slick back your hair and don a suit. My friend did this recently and he looked just like a pimp or a porn star i.e. amazing.
Phwooar, that sounds cool. I have tempted a number of times in the past and never quite gone through with it.
(Dylan, fuck off)
jake our bassist came in one day to practice sporting a handle bar moustache. it was pretty impressive – he shaved it off when he was standing in a coffee cue and some equally bearded gentleman said “ni moustahce”. think it gave him the boke.
nice moustache that should have read.
I find it the only time men feel comfortable giving another man a compliment on their appearance is when they’re talking about facial hair.
And I’m always filled with a strange mixture of confusion and abject terror when complete strangers come up to me and say something like “woah! good beard!”.
You know, we could probably start some kind of intellectual debate about facial hair and it’s relation to the male psyche. Or we could just go on comparing beards like some bizarre socially acceptable version of checking who has the biggest cock.
Bart, stop being vulgar. This is about grooming, not naughty things.
Sorry.
“…checking who has the biggest winky.”
This thread is no more about grooming than those “Whoah… Bodyform!..” TV adverts are about windsurfing.
bart – are you suggesting we just see who has the biggest cock and be done?
Or those Lord of the Rings movies are about a bunch of dwarves who go and look for some jewellery and are “just close friends”.
thinking about removing my judges cap……………
I was actually trying to encourage intellectual debate.
But I gues it’d be easier if we just got our lanyards out.
Yours is a lanyard?
You mean the two ends are attached in a loop?!!
can i be totally honest. i let my beard grow cause
a) i’m lazy and hate shaving.
b) my skin gets really sore when I shave
c) i look about twelve without it.
it has nothing to do with being masculine or manly. plus, i prefer having it. but i don’t have time to shape it, groom it or contorted it into wonderful and weird shapes nor would i.
and intellectual debate? on this site??
Laziness wins for me.
Homo-erotic dwarf fantasies win for Bart.
Being able to grow a beard in the first place fantasies win for Dylan.
Running the fuck away while she still can fantasies win for Izzy.
DC has probably just given upon the whole fucking lot of us.
And when was the last time we saw C&B anyway?
DC will be off somewhere stalking Norris
There are a number of questions still outstanding in this thread which I think we should address before moving on.
1. Norris, was that you at the Welsh Club?
2. DC, where’s Norris now?
3. Izzy, can you sing?
4. Ian, how long did that orange pencil stay in your beard?
5. Euan, did Jake the bass really shave his moustache off while standing in a queue for coffee?
6. Bart, is your willy really attached at both ends?
People, we need answers.
>before moving on
Oh no.
jake did not shave it off in the que. he went home and then shaved it off. it was the que experience that made him want to shave it off however.
so only 5 answers left.
Queue.
Poor Norris. I hope he’s okay.
c.o.c.k
Hey! I was being helpful.
i’m from dundee remember.
I can sing – just very badly.
4 left!
4 left?
4 left.
4 fox ache.
My willy is attached at one end, and one end only.
(That’s normal, right?)
I sometimes wonder if I know what normal is anymore.
So it has a device to loop it back on itself, possibly using carabiners or an elaborate sliding knot.
Fine, that clears that up.
Three questions down, three to go!
I’m from your part of the world Euan, went to uni in the dee.
Apparently, on the way back from Thailand to the UK, Gary Glitter picked up 30 or so bottles of Duty Free Glenfiddich Caoran Reserve, because he’d heard it was a 12 year old that went down well.
nice. and you made it through to tell the tale. you must feel very at home in leith?! i know I do.
is that 3 left now?
I just thought “Fuck! Gary Glitter’s moved to Leith!”
Then I realised Euan was responding to Izzy.
Sorry to disappoint, but that wasn’t me. Pretty accurate apart from the beard though – although I’m in my 30s rather than 40s, but the whole alcohol dependency thing kind of does for me there.
NORRIS! You’re alive! Thank god for that, we thought DC might have you chained up in a basement somewhere.
No beard though – shame shame.
So if that guy in the Welsh Club wasn’t Norris..
Who the hell has DC been following around?!
It might have been the same guy, though. I’m usually quite good with covert surveillance whilst prepping my next Dexter fest. Maybe I imagined he had a beard because I was starved of hanging off one by my teeth while I reached round to squelch his nickel slot with my index finger?
Norris, grizzly man on man sex death slaughter aside, did you by any chance do any of the things I listed way, way above? Is it you? Do I get a prize yet?
&, I just have to ask, cos everyone else is being too polite, is Norris your real name or a pretend one for blogs & the like? Cos if it’s real could you share sonme stories about a 30something in 2008 with Norris as a name? Cos it isn’t one you hear bandied about that often. ‘course, you’ll kill it now by saying it’s your surname…
If Norris isn’t his real name I am going to cry.
Do you ever get the feeling that people live on different world….you see i totally don’t get the praise and hype that is lumped onto this guy….i think he is just pish….i’ve tried listening to his stuff and even went to see him live….but nah he’s shite….in my humble opinion.
Later
Who? Norris?
Nah MPH….tho i don’t know any Norris’s as of yet…so the opinion may hold for any that i do meet in the future
If you find any, don’t tell DC. He hunts them.
A very late reply, but to answer – the pencil stayed in for a good ten minutes.
That’s impressive, Ian.
Have you experimented with any other stationery? Rulers, scissors, marker-pens.. This could become something of a party trick for you with you a little practice.
Actually, how about this for a challenge?.. By the time of the next gig, see if you can get through the whole show sporting a complete geometry set, including the tin!