Friday Gives You a Bunch of Fives
After a day of indolence yesterday I am back on the horse, so to speak, to bring you our favourite time-wasting indulgence: the Five Friday Favourites. I can’t think of anything more tedious and unfair on Friday than being expected to actually do the work which we are paid to sit at our desks and do, so I spend the day pottering about on the internet, sorting out artwork for Toad releases, playing silly computer games, and keeping a nice Photoshop rendering ready to pop up onto my screen should anyone happen to walk by.
What are your plans for the weekend, then? I have to do some tedious DIY stuff on Saturday like wiring up the light in the kitchen and stuff like that. Then of course there’s the small matter of installing Mrs. Toad’s gigantic fucking Mirrorball in the living room. Yes, mirrorball. It’s at least two feet across as well, so if I don’t kill myself by trying to balance on top of the ladder then I may snap my spine in half trying to lift the sodding thing up onto its hook thingy. Mind you, think how cool the Toad Sessions are going to be with that bloody great thing in the room. Splendid!
This week’s five have been submitted by Dylan from Blueback Hotrod, official Toad photographer and proud sporter of the Golden Leek award for excessive Welshness. He insists that it is currently Mo-vember, when we should all be growing beards and moustaches for charity. This sounds like a load of old bollocks to me, but I can’t be bothered to look it up, so we’ll just have to take his word for it.
See all the Edinburgh lot tomorrow night in the Bowery for Alex Cornish, and as for the rest of you, get your weekend greetings in here, and wait for tomorrow’s podcast. Have fun Toadlings.
1. Best celebrity moustache.
2. Optimum sideburn length.
3. Nasal hair: trim or pluck?
4. When does beard sculpture go too far? Discuss.
5. Your own best personal achievement in the field of facial topiary. (Alternative ladies’ question: favourite knitting pattern.)
And this week’s five random songs come from an enormous pile of music I downloaded from my friend Morgan a while back, but still haven’t had the time to go through properly.
Linton Kwesi Johnson – Bass Culture
Captain Beefheart – Grown So Ugly
Red Sovine – Phantom 409 If you’re thinking ’surely not that Phantom 409′, then the answer is yes, that Phantom 409. Fucking cool, eh.
Serge Gainsbourg – Couleur Cafe
Fela Kuti – Viva Nigeria
1. Harry Flashman. He counts, doesn’t he?
2. I don’t know about length, but Hugh Jackman has always sported particularly impressive ‘burns. And if Mrs. Toad says anything about Mr. Jackman, anything at all, we are getting a fucking divorce.
3. Trap between fingernails, screw up face like baby having a shit, pull hard. It’s sore, but it does the job.
4. If there is sculpture then it has already gone too far. Except for Gregor from Sparrow & the Workshop’s moustache. RIP. *sniff*
5. No achievements, apart from general unkemptness. I shaved it all off to leave just a moustache a little while ago, but felt so emasculated by Gregor’s that I had to shave it off before leaving the house. It was a sorry attempt and I will never repeat it.
Skiving at work is inevitable today, so….
1. John Waters
2. To the adam’s apple
3. braid
4. see Backstreet Boys
5. I am a lady (sort of) but I don’t know how to knit, so I’ll have to say…achieving a perfectly subtle Frida Kahlo moustache on Halloween. Ladies, Mascara isn’t JUST for your eyelashes.
Have a good weekend.x
(Tonight I shall be mostly finishing your gin and doing a podcast! You guys are brilliant!)
I was really really drunk in Cardiff when I sent you this on the email.
1. I think I was going to say Gregor for this question, actually; but having seen his frankly disappointing re-imagining of the official Song, By Toad moustache on Wednesday, I’m going to have to have a re-think.
2. I think they should stop at the point where your beardline stops heading down vertically and takes a sharp turn to run along your cheek parallel to your jaw. Any further than that is just showing off and makes your designer stubble look daft.
3. I’ve lost the little attachment for my beard strimmer that went up your nose, so yeah, plucking all the way now.
4. Craig David. No need to discuss.
5. I once sported a full Lemmy for a “rock” fancy dress party. The volume wasn’t quite there but I was pleased with the sculpture aspect.
Ooh – alternative answer for number five.. Does that pack of Rock Beards Top Trumps cards that I made count as an achievement in the field of facial topiary? Surely it must be up for some sort of special acknowledgement award?..
1.Not really a celebrity one, however, i would like to nominate the guy in the front row of the Question Time audience last night…..it was awesome!!
2. Just below the lobe of the ear
3. Pluck….eye waterinessly satisfying
4. just thinking about it is to far…..whats the point!!!
5. everytime i wake, get out of bed and look in the mirror, i think to myself ‘what a fucking awesome beard you have Tom’, so my most recent achievement was at about 7:45 this morning.
btw the way i’m having the day off you work-shy buggers!
1. I was going to say Tom Selleck, until I just found out that he’s a member of the National Rifle Association. Which is unacceptable. It’s the man that makes the moustache. So I’ll therefore go with Oliver Reed. Who was responsible for some corkers in his time.
2. I’ve seen some impressive gargantuan sidies in my time. Though it’s a hard look to pull off without looking like a knob.
3. Trim. Are you fucking mental?
4. I’m of the opinion that the whole idea of growing a beard is so that you don’t have to go through the tiresome rigmarole of shaving every morning. For me the real criminals are these ponces that shave to a fucking pencil thin line around their chin. I mean, what’s the point? You still have to shave every morning to keep it looking neat. And it looks like it’s drawn on with a felt tip and set square. Dicks.
It’s no accident that the term “Craig David’s Beard” has come to mean a neatly shaved lady part. What with him being a cunt, and all.
5. Nothing to add.
1. Groucho’s, obviously, which is all the better for the fact that through his cinema career it was painted on and he could therefore take it off at night.
2. I think it’s worth saying something about thickness and breadth as well as length. I think somewhere a little blow the bottom of the ears is quite enough but not if you go for that bushy look as well, that’s just wrong.
3. Pluck. Just accept you’re in for a short session of eye-watering pain and go for it.
4. On the ‘B’ of the beard.
5. Yeah, it’s all about burners, nothing overly dramatic, certainly nothing you could hang on to, but they’ve been there for a long time so perhaps some kind of longevity award could be in order.
so matthew when you and the wife are alone in the house…..do you call yourselves by the names of Mr Toad and Mrs Toad?
Just wondering really.
1. John Oates (of Hall and Oates fame). He’s shaved it off lately, but I hear the ’stach is getting it’s own crime-fighting cartoon!
2.Well, I’d say just bellow the ear (the guy from Dashboard Confessional had really long ones and looked a bit of a tit…)
3. I find you get more of a sense of a-job-well-done when you pluck.
4. I agree with Dylan, Craig David’s was horrible – though I hear that it’s escaped now (being as it always appeared to have been drawn on with a pen anyway, this is surely a chance for another spin-off cartoon…).
5. Well, my current thatch is pretty impressive, if I say so myself. Though I recently wrote an indie-rock-beard post on my blog, which I guess is more of an achievement…
“so matthew when you and the wife are alone in the house…..do you call yourselves by the names of Mr Toad and Mrs Toad?”
You know she calls herself Mrs. Toad from time to time. Mad old bat.
1. William H. Macy
http://bauergriffinonline.celebuzz.com/bfm_gallery/2008/04/William%20H%20Macy%20040308/post_image/post_image-80403j1_macy_w_h_b_gr_06.leader.jpg
2. I really like big fuck off sideburns, like when Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall goes to see his cider club in river cottage.
3. trim. fuck that.
4. my pal brian had the craziest cut into symmetry beard i’ve ever seen, i thought he was in a play.
5. I have a giant ginger beard and have previously had a beautiful handlebar moustache.
David, you are a face furniture hero. Bloody hell, a handlebar moustache – brilliant! Is it anything like as fantastic as William H. Macy’s, because that’s a masterpiece.
It was quite beautiful, I would never claim to be a Macy but I walked around with my head held high
or alternatively, the edinburgh lot are welcome at trampoline tomorrow night.
Handlebars are a wonder to behold. When I had one I found that pretty much all I said was “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”. I was quite insufferable, apparently…
Let me sing a song for you that alters your belief
Don’t waste my time
Steinberg – yes indeed. Doors at half seven at Wee Red?
Sexy Tom – what the fuck are you on about.
Not Sexy But Did Once Have a Handlebar Moustache Tom – fucking awesome. It’s one of those forms of facial plumage that simply announce the bearer to be the only Real Man in the room, no discussion, no argument – FACT!
Euan, you know the rules.
You’re not allowed to join in the crazy banter on a Friday Five thread until you’ve submitted a Five of your own.
Now get to it!
Actually, that’s true. Steinbeuan – behave!
just lost in a moment of joy…..or something very much like it….anyway i’m just off out to a temple of beard sculpture….the amicus apple…the things i do for fucking friends.
You are very sexy you know, Tom.
When I say sexy, obviously I mean mad.
Sexy as eleven monkeys in a ten-monkey barrel.
Amicus Apple? Christ, are you being blackmailed?
no freewill and all that….it’s a leaving do……i fucking hate the place….oh well see ya all later….well maybe not but you know what i mean.
Let’s all go to Amicus Apple.
We’ll be able to spot Tom – he’ll be the sexy one.
Gibbering in the corner.
That was an amazing post, and it earned you a new RSS subscriber. Keep up the good work!
Surrounded by posh fuckwits with blubbery lips and stupid women trying to dress like footballer’s wives.
Jesus wept.
1. Best celebrity moustache.
It must be Tom Selleck, just look at the man!
2. Optimum sideburn length.
Not too long and bushy unless there is a beard to match. Otherwise the friction betwixt my thighs is unbearable. It must be soft so use hair conditioner please, gents.
3. Nasal hair: trim or pluck?
Do I really need to answer this? I don’t care, just tidy it up! One more reason to live with women and keep the men around as neighboring pets for occasional use, in my humble opinion…. no offense intended really.
4. When does beard sculpture go too far? Discuss.
When they spend more time in front of the mirror than me, obviously.
5. Your own best personal achievement in the field of facial topiary. (Alternative ladies’ question: favourite knitting pattern.)
Oh Matthew, (and Dylan!) you so really deserve this one for this series of questions …just tell me which size, darlin’
oxoxox,
Tart
damn, i’ve farked up all my html, omg i hate fridays!
1. Hitler, of course. duh….
2. as big as possible.
3. pluck… ooohya..
4. Even putting beard and sculpture in the same sentence is going too far.
5. think adolescent rickshaw operator and you’re well on the way.
Tart, I like your post in italics, it makes it read like poetry.
Now that you’re getting older,
And the nights are getting colder,
Nothing could be neater,
Than this little Peter Heater….
If you’re making them, can I have the one with the built-in testicle pouch?
Looks snug.
what size dearie? they all come with the nutsack lol xoxoxo
1. Billy Childish. For the WIN!!
2. One inch. Exactly.
3.Trim. I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine.
4. When sculpture is even contemplated (right on, Wh666)
5.A Baader-Meinhof ‘tache