Five Festive Friday Favourites
Brilliant. In today’s fucking inevitable shitfest of the fucking week, it seems that I am coming down with a nasty flu just in time to go on holiday. My malingering mistress Mrs. Toad has had the indulgence of missing an entire week of work, only to return to health just in time for two weeks off, the bloody chancer. I, on the other hand, find myself brewing her particularly virulent brand of flu just in time to ruin my two week break. Minge.
We’ve neglected to really do any Christmas shopping as yet, but we actually have a tree for the first time since we’ve been together and trees sort of demand presents, so despite the fact that we generally don’t bother we may actually make an exception this year, if just to avoid being stared down by a stupid fucking fir tree draped in tat.
On the subject of presents, actually, a friend of mine asked a question once that rather amused me. You know those Americans who insist on pronouncing presentation as if it were written preesentation? Well what do they give each other at Christmas, preesents?
And, just to be even more crap, I have a festive joke for you as well, and what a special one it is:
Q: How did Luke Skywalker know what his dad was getting him for Christmas?
A: He felt his presents!
And oh how we laughed. So welcome to Friday Fives again, and please do take the opportunity to delurk and save us from ourselves. And anyone who wants to suggest next week’s five, email me at the address on the contact page. Enjoy, and happy Christmas.
1. Favourite comment of the year on Song, by Toad.
2. At what time do you hit the pub today?
3. What’s the state of your Christmas shopping?
4. What will be the defining sin of your Christmas, sloth, gluttony, covetousness, or something else?
5. What percentage of your Christmas holiday will actually be your own, to do with as you please?
Phil Ochs – No Christmas in Kentucky Thanks DC.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Tom Lehrer – A Christmas Carol
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Tom Waits – Silent Night/Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis (Live)
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Casiotone for the Painfully Alone – Cold White Christmas
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Willard Grant Conspiracy – Christmas in Nevada
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
1. one of my own that went something like ‘this is why the world is it is in the mess it is……..fucking rampant chutney consumerism’ or any where I call Euan pompous
2. 4pm
3. i hate xmas shopping
4. being a worthy fucker, and wrapping my pressies in newspaper
5. most of it…….if people aren’t happy then fuck off is my message
1. Some mad woman accused me of hating Rilo Kiley because I was jealous about not being famous – that one was fun.
2. 2pm. Please, please hurry up!
3. Not started. May not start at all.
4. Gluttony this year, I think. As usual.
5. About 67% I think. The folks will be visiting for a few days, but I think that’s about it.
What a pretty picture.
rules agnes
And it’s 9:46 Friday night here. I’ll have a celebratory beer in your honour, and wish all you all the best for a speedy next few hours!
Oh yeah, and I best do my faves as well I suppose.
1. Too many to trawl through!
2. Haven’t hit the pub today, but about to have a beer as mentioned above. Maybe two. I’m wild.
3. Halfway. I think.
4. Sloth, definitely. Given the way I’ve worked this year, it’s definitely not a sin! Gluttony will definitely be up there as well.
5. All of it! And given that I’m officially unemployed as of today and heading overseas, I predict that a great majority of the next few months will also be all mine as well. Best Christmas present ever.
That’s the picture of FiL from last christmas!!!! or so he claimed at the time.
1. I thought the Tart’s arrival was pretty cool.
2. One ish. Rolling on. Although we’ve just found the whole of ‘A Matter Of Life And Death’ on Google Video and have been watching that with lots of very nice coffee and things and no kids so all is pretty good already.
3. Pretty much done in terms of other people and presents and things, loads of food shopping to do but that’s a good thing.
4. It’s usually gluttony. It’s unlikely to be sloth unless you can focus in and pick out a slothful attitude to work that probably needs doing.
5. I will continue to work at making sure that I have some time each day, even if it’s only late at night, to reconnect to this world and relax into where I’d actually rather like to be.
but you are famous Toad?
1. Well if it’s socially acceptable to go for one of your own, I just found this gem:
Although I think the overall prize for classiest commentary should go to Bart.
2. Not until tomorrow unfortunately.
3. I know what I’m getting my sister.
4. Covetousness. My neighbour’s oxen, to be precise.
5. 53.7%
Good to see Tom Lehrer on here,
okay…
1. “I am not trawling through every last comment to find my favourites”
2. 1PM
3. Er, about half done, well nearly half done…
4. Probably all seven.
5. About half, I think…
1. Not sure, I enjoyed Barts rule chat yesterday
2. 5.30
3. 3/4 done, shopping is shit
4. All the 7 deadly ones seem quite apt
5. Absolutely none of it, bastards.
1. The one yesterday were you had to admit that you were wrong and I was right. That felt pretty sweet.
Also, probably any comments on the NKOTB review taking it seriously. Still makes me smile.
2. No pub today. Which, since I’m horrendously hungover, can only be a good thing. I blame Tom and his magic chutney.
3. Not bad. But then I do tend to leave everything for my girlfriend to get and assume it’s all okay.
Which reminds me, I should probably get her something…
4. Gluttony. I was planning on two weeks rest and recuperation. But I know it will end up two weeks drinking and eating.
5. 78%
Bart i repeat….you asked me out and little Chris wanted another drink….it would have be rude not to.
good night tho…..
1. Favourite comment of the year on Song, by Toad.
Definitely the one where Dylan talked about the time he fellated Rod Stewart.
2. At what time do you hit the pub today?
No pubs (or “bars,” as we call them in the States) for me. I’m a family man, you see. And anyway, I need to alphabetize my porn tonight.
3. What’s the state of your Christmas shopping?
Done and done. Oh shit! The wife!
4. What will be the defining sin of your Christmas, sloth, gluttony, covetousness, or something else?
Is flatulence a sin?
5. What percentage of your Christmas holiday will actually be your own, to do with as you please?
-500%.
1. The getting more gritty munching James Bond line …in tears
2. Very soon need a hangover cure
3.shopped and hidden although I can feel the need for a tropical fish tank
4. Slothing, in fact I’m going to sloth in all the way to new year and then sloth the new year in to. May get slothed and sloshed mixed up a few times though
5. My naturally selfish gene will kick in if it ever dips below 60%.
so how many people out there are actually working today………..i’m sitting here trying to look really busy….might even tidy my desk in a bit
“The one yesterday were you had to admit that you were wrong and I was right. That felt pretty sweet.”
I think you’ll that, if you examine the facts, that never happened. It was just a figment of your imagination. You are automatically wrong by virtue of being in too many bands. But the serious NKOTB ones were classic. I felt so bad about those after a while.
C&B – flatulence is indeed a sin. Worse perhaps than the oxen one.
Ed – is murder not one of the seven deadly sins? Who did you have in mind, the senators who sponsored the DMCA legislation?
Matthew you’re confusing the seven deadly sins with the ten commandments. Or is Murder one of the seven dwarfs? Flatulence definitely is.
1 Lust
2 Gluttony
3 Greed
4 Sloth
5 Wrath
6 Envy
7 Pride
no murder I’m afraid
1. i don’t remember enough comments to have a favourite. i did like when matthew reviewed the kays by saying – next up were the kays lavelle, who were shit. promise i’ll get those t-shirts done for you matthew.
2. no pub. at home in my sick bed. meant to be my christmas party tonight as well. oh well.
3 shopping all done.
4. gluttony
5. not sure. am working over christmas – so may be 100% as won’t get back to the D until 27th.
Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy and Flatulence.
I might have enjoyed that bloody story a bit more if Flatulence had been one of the seven dwarfs.
And Drinky, Smokey and Vomit.
1. I have no idea, you all talk so so much…..
2. Drinks in my workplace, meal, then pub so about 10. But I’ll be drunk by 5 I imagine
3. Bad, really bad – non existent at this point
4. All of the above – it’s like a happy Christmas challenge!
5. 0% but to be fair, after having to look after myself all the time, it will be nice to have my mum making all my decisions for me, might make 4 difficult though!
BORED
How about Drinky, Smokey and Crack?
Shonagh, that’s such a fucking cop-out.
We’ve got the opposite this year, we have my parents to entertain. Crap. Mrs. Toad always displays her only day or so of domesticity for the entire year on the day before the folks turn up, so I expect the day before they arrive to be full of tantrums, shouting and entreaties for me to clean better. And I shall ignore them.
Fuck off Chutney. Say something witty and entertain the rest of us if you’re that bored. Oh wait, you can’t.
Oooh, fighting talk!
(And three-post mentalism!)
You’ll be drunk in about twenty minutes if you’re back from the beer run already.
Matthew! Trainers! Hallway! NOW!
Ooh! If I do anyone it’ll be three post mentalism too!
It’s because I’m worth it…
Neil was telling me that there are some good photo’s of Dylan from last week’s party…..when will we get to see the christmas tree
Do anyone?
That’s supposed to say “do another one” obviously.
That was because one of my colleagues came over to talk to me about work stuff while I was typing.
“Jesus, people, can’t you see I’m busy here?!”
just had my lunch…..bought it from Pret….you?
Fuck off. I’ll get to your cataclysmic IT disaster when I fucking well have time!
ie 2009.
Tom, if those pictures ever see the light of day Dylan will be out for my blood. Although Neil did look rather fetching fast asleep in his antlers, so it might be worth it after all…
There are no photos.
i might have seen them Dylan!!!
You misunderstand me, Tom.
There are no photos.
ok……what are the ones i’m looking at on facebook all about then?
No actually Tom, there are worse photos than that. Far worse.
1) From the day I delurked, and of course it could only be Bart couldn’t it. Who would have thought the deep-voiced lad would have such a sharp wit as well.
I really hate:
“it’s like [insert other band or artist name] on acid.”
I mean, really. “It’s like the pointer sisters – on acid!”
Really? Is it really like the pointer sisters on acid? Have you heard the pointer sisters on acid? Wouldn’t the pointer sisters on acid just sound like a slightly less coherent version of the pointer sisters? Wouldn’t that impair their ability to sing and play in tune? Wouldn’t that, in fact, be shit?
Who knows. Maybe the pointer sisters were already drugged up crack whores.
2) Not today, but tomorrow I’ll be off down to the local West End trendy bar for a pint of Moretti at £3.40 a go. Either that or the drinking shop for Tennents at £2.20..
3) Bought the first stuff today. Less than half to go I’d say.
4) Drink. And if whilst intoxicated, if being ruddy faced and shouting in a jovial manner a bit like Brian Blessed is a sin then I’m fucked.
5) Well, really, I’m the one making the choice to go home for Christmas, and to head over to Arran to spend Hogmanay with relatives, so I suppose, technically, it’s 100%. Though I certainly would rather not be working another 3 shifts before the 25th what with all the maniacs buying chocolates like they’ll never see them again.
Oh, and I have a ticket to see Blur next summer. Are any other Toadfolk heading to this blessed event? Or are said band greatly loathed by the regular clientele…
I honestly think Bart should win the award for most consistently laugh-out-loud piss and vinegar surreal and brilliant commentary of the year. The man is a gem and we should all be very proud to call him our own.
Here are a few of his greatest hits..
1. the one where you replied to Tart with something like “my site has become a platform for middle-aged lesbians: my life is complete.”
2. not at all: Christmas is coming on, which means I probably won’t be sober for three days in a row anyway.
3. to my great astonishment I already got them all this year.
4. all of them: in exactly this sequence.
5. I’m married, therefore it will be 0%. Instead I will be chased around because my wife can’t find some silly decoration stuff for the tree or …. even worse (had that last year): presents she had hidden away are now missing!
1. Favourite comment of the year on Song, by Toad. – DC: “Consider yourself the fleshy pin cushion of the blogosphere.” regarding me. And Adam I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about :-p
2. At what time do you hit the pub today? – sadly none, been packing for a trip all day/night, we’re off to Munich and then London for the holidays and the plane leaves in 8 hours now! whooot!
3. What’s the state of your Christmas shopping? – not doing it this year, I’m only knitting, honest. And that is not coming along so quickly, but then I’ve got a 10 hour journey ahead of me, so I feel I’ll be alright.
4. What will be the defining sin of your Christmas, sloth, gluttony, covetousness, or something else? – Covetousness, definitely that, … it’s been ages since we’ve had a man and we’re visiting a married friend who rarely even uses hers! pffft.
5. What percentage of your Christmas holiday will actually be your own, to do with as you please? – 10%, the London bit, we have a whole day to ourselves!
So see you all in 2009, xoxoxoxo from M. Chutney too! mmuuahhhh!
My new favourite Toad comment is now Dylan’s incredible rounding up of Bart’s best comments. How long did that take you?! A sort of Barthology if you will, or an Owl Compendium… could be a feature in the Beard Almanac 2008… etc etc.
Barthology. I like that.
Perhaps the extortionately overpriced but lavishly packaged career-encompassing Eagleowl box-set could be called that when it’s released in 2039.
Bart, you officially have a stalker. Be afraid.