Perhaps the extortionately overpriced but lavishly packaged career-encompassing Eagleowl box-set could be called that when it’s released in 2039.

So see you all in 2009, xoxoxoxo from M. Chutney too! mmuuahhhh!

2. not at all: Christmas is coming on, which means I probably won’t be sober for three days in a row anyway.

3. to my great astonishment I already got them all this year.

4. all of them: in exactly this sequence.

5. I’m married, therefore it will be 0%. Instead I will be chased around because my wife can’t find some silly decoration stuff for the tree or …. even worse (had that last year): presents she had hidden away are now missing!

Here are a few of his greatest hits..

It’s no accident that the term “Craig David’s Beard” has come to mean a neatly shaved lady part. What with him being a cunt, and all.

Snow Cunt is a much better name for a band than Snow Patrol.

No song by the Eagles has ever been, or ever will be, a good song. For any day. Ever.

De Burgh is one of the figures that, whether or not you enjoy listening to their work being performed, make up the very fabric of musical history.

I’m amazed how quickly Limbo went from: “Congratulations lads, quite an acheivement” to “The silly fuckers”

I’m not entirely convinced that “thrprprprprbb” is a real word.

Do you really care that much what colour of hair a lady has? Does attraction and interest really hinge on such a superficial detail? What does it matter? Just as long as they put out, I’m happy.

I’m not entirely convinced “videographical” is an actual word. Nor “splendidest”, for that matter.

I’m off to write a song called ‘badadada neuuurgh’.

Interestingly, Razorlight have never once stayed “up all night”. Drummer Andy come closest, when he managed to stay awake until 4.37am whilst attending a friend’s birthday party in 2005.

My friend once taught me Jingle Bells in Swedish.

“Byeller klang, byeller klang
Herdas dingly dong.”

Amazing.

I don’t imagine Tom Baker being too big a Metallica fan.

Is “flying a kite” a euphemism? Have I spoiled the mood? Sorry.

I really hate:

“it’s like [insert other band or artist name] on acid.”

I mean, really. “It’s like the pointer sisters – on acid!”

Really? Is it really like the pointer sisters on acid? Have you heard the pointer sisters on acid? Wouldn’t the pointer sisters on acid just sound like a slightly less coherent version of the pointer sisters? Wouldn’t that impair their ability to sing and play in tune? Wouldn’t that, in fact, be shit?

Who knows.

Maybe the Pointer Sisters were already drugged up crack whores.

Diana Rigg was the chancellor of my university, so she had to something weird thing with a hat at the graduation.

It was a bit odd. I mean, we only shared a few brief seconds together, but I think we’ll both treasure them for the rest of our lives.

And she is still pretty spritely. Even if it is a bit like fancying one of your nan’s friends.

Bart doesn’t follow fashion trends.

Bart sets them.

And sometimes mocks them from afar.

For the record, I wasn’t judging Newton Faulkner’s music entirely on his wikipedia entry. I was also taking into account his fucking ridiculous haircut.

I mean, he wasn’t just swaying from side to side, or girating his hips a little bit – as the other (normal) members of the crowd were doing. He was actually fucking pirouetting!

I don’t like slagging off bands as you never know who’s listening / reading. I do find myself holding my tongue a lot. Maybe I should come up with some sort of code or elaborate hand gesture.

The Scots have whisky to distract them.

The Irish have whiskey.

We used to call it “Dancing In Your Own Shite”.

(The Royal ‘We’, obviously).

And the grand prize is to play another 20 minute set at one of the worst festivals I’ve ever been to.

Great.

Maybe you should be writing a football blog instead?

Hmmmm?

No. That doesn’t count.

Because:

a) Edwyn Collins is not a band.

and

b) The Queen’s Hall is not the Bongo Club.

You fucking pedant.

Sounds like it’s going to be 70 mins of solo improvised experimental violin.

Canny wait.

So when saying it, I would use your hands to make air quotation marks.
And raise your voice slightly above normal volume.
Also raise your eye brows.
And finish the sentence with “I’m right, arent I?”

That’ll help side-step the pretentious twat mine field.

Zoey Van Goey? Zoey Van Goody more like.

I was equally in awe of the keyboard player, who seemed to have fashioned her fringe to sit directly parallel to her rather ample cleavage.

Which I found aesthetically pleasing.

I’d like to point out that I have a patent pending on the phrase “dead good”.
I’ll let it slide this time, but any future use may result in legal action.

For the record, I wasn’t visually recommending Laura Marling, I was merely suggesting that I knew people that would pay good money to do something on her.

And at the time, I didn’t realise she was 12.

Still…

I’ve not even heard this album and even I know you’re wrong.

I like Greenland. Just for the irony of it.

What the fuck is going on? Can we go and get drunk yet?

That settles it. I’m getting my own blog. Gold dust like that is wasted in the comments box.

Sigh.

I really hate:

“it’s like [insert other band or artist name] on acid.”

I mean, really. “It’s like the pointer sisters – on acid!”

Really? Is it really like the pointer sisters on acid? Have you heard the pointer sisters on acid? Wouldn’t the pointer sisters on acid just sound like a slightly less coherent version of the pointer sisters? Wouldn’t that impair their ability to sing and play in tune? Wouldn’t that, in fact, be shit?

Who knows. Maybe the pointer sisters were already drugged up crack whores.

2) Not today, but tomorrow I’ll be off down to the local West End trendy bar for a pint of Moretti at £3.40 a go. Either that or the drinking shop for Tennents at £2.20..

3) Bought the first stuff today. Less than half to go I’d say.

4) Drink. And if whilst intoxicated, if being ruddy faced and shouting in a jovial manner a bit like Brian Blessed is a sin then I’m fucked.

5) Well, really, I’m the one making the choice to go home for Christmas, and to head over to Arran to spend Hogmanay with relatives, so I suppose, technically, it’s 100%. Though I certainly would rather not be working another 3 shifts before the 25th what with all the maniacs buying chocolates like they’ll never see them again.

Oh, and I have a ticket to see Blur next summer. Are any other Toadfolk heading to this blessed event? Or are said band greatly loathed by the regular clientele…

There are no photos.