1. oh god, i just love chrismus. i can’t even get sarcastic about it. i love all of it.
2. When i was a kid distant relatives were always sending me girly-girly stuff. I’m no butch, by any means, (not that i don’t love a nice sexy butch, rrrrr!) but I was no hollie-hobbie either, and when I got little starter-makeup kits and such, i felt both invisible and socially unacceptable. i was vastly relieved when i hit some magic age and it all stopped.
3. ham usually. sometimes duck.
4. seeing everyone get drunk.
5. seeing everyone get drunk.

is it totally obvious that i had nothing to say except for #2?

and you can call me whatever you like as long as you don’t ‘out’ me to the…. yeah. to certain key people who could get me fired from work.

not ‘out’ me as a rug-muncher, everyone knows i’m married to a girl – but ‘out’ me as a total sick n twisted perve. which i’m not, of course, now that my name is m.chutney instead of meatpocket. i’ve reformed. honest.

xoxo

And Dylan, it’s Mango Chutney …

Can we call her Madame Chutney anyway? I like the sound of that!

2. Worst Christmas present some distant relative insists on giving you every fucking Christmas.
A fist to the face

3. If it’s not turkey, then what?
Buckled over the bog/sink? Thats what my dad usually does once he awakes from his stair top slumber

4. Work’s Christmas night out: the best bit
Best bit was pushing an annoying work colleague through george square in a shopping trolley, letting go to see what would happen and watching him career into a lampost

5. Work’s Christmas night out: the worst bit
When he came round

1. Eating at Jerry’s Deli with all the Jews. That, and watching A Christmas Story on cable one and a half times during the annual 24-hour marathon.

2. An American Express gift/money card (I know, not terrible, but the point is I consistently get this from the relative I haven’t seen in years and only exchange holiday cards with). On the other hand, I used to have a grandma give me anything from a Homer Simpson Chia Pet to a porcelain carousel to toothpaste.

3. Once had an Italian style dinner with homemade pasta and cassata, but typically it’s a deli sandwich while surrounded by Jews.

4. Not paying for my overpriced happy hour appetizers.

5. Pretending I like my secret santa gift, and then struggling to make office chit chat for two hours.

And Dylan, it’s Mango Chutney … as in her favorite euphemism for shagging. She’ll never be cured of her lascivious nature, only tempered by fear of being exposed at work!

2. She’s not a distant relative, but my grandma always buys really dodgy presents from the cheap variety shop and then wraps them and makes it into a lucky dip kinda thing. So far my favourite gift has been the dog shampoo. Or maybe the keyring with the name of some random on it. Or the really attractive angel tree decoration that looks like it’s constipated.

3. It’s definitely not turkey, it’s ham on the bone. And roast lamb. And sausages. And potato salad. And coleslaw. And pavlova. And lemon meringue pie. And chocolate ripple cake. And…

4. I’m leaving my current workplace at the end of the year so hopefully the best bit will be the giant present they buy me to thank me for all my selfless hard work this past year. A little slice of eternal gratitude wouldn’t go astray either.

5. My colleagues not coming through on the whole eternal gratitude bit.