Fvie Firady Fvareotuis
Apparently you can still read a sentence quite easily if the letters in the words are completely jumbled up, as long as the first and last letters in each word remain where they belong. Isn’t that nice.
I am nearly at the end of the unspeakable ordeal that is generating the Toad Records blog spam list. This entails going to the Hype Machine’s blog list, looking at what every single blog is posting and if they post stuff I like, emailing them with links to the Toad Records releases with a nice note saying something along the lines of ‘I hope you enjoy these and it would be lovely if you were interested in reviewing them’. The problem is that there are fucking thousands of blogs and going through this list is so tedious it’s untrue. Still, I’m as far as ‘t’ now, and it needs to be finished by this weekend because everything is officially released on Monday. Fuck I’m tired. I’ve been up until 3am every night this week working on this, with the exception of the Snow Patrol Frightened Rabbit gig on Tuesday (thanks Euan).
In other news, we just invested in a really, really nice vocal microphone for the Toad Sessions. When I say nice, I do mean nice as well, not just ’slightly nice’. It’s supposed to be a bloody grand’s worth, but we got it for under half that, so roll on the next Toad Session.
If you want to suggest the next Friday Favourites, just get in touch and let me know. This week the Five Friday Favourites come from our own dearest Tart, who left the following comment: “how about a Friday Five on what actually did help you all get sex: music, dialogue, scent, substance etc?”
1. Best pulling music.
2. Worst pulling approach that actually worked.
3. Apart from rohipnol, what should you give someone (food, drink or drug) to get into their underpants?
4. Best bit of chatting up you ever managed.
5. Coolest first date successfully executed.
Willie Nelson & Family – Good Hearted Woman
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The Men The Couldn’t Hang – Dacing on the Pier
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The Lemonheads – Into Your Arms[audio http://www.matthewjamesyoung.com/sbt/TheLemonheads-IntoYourArms.mp3]
Alabama 3 – Bourgeoisie Blues
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1, don’t know
2. “do you come here often?” Fancy a snog?” ” i’ve got some drink back at mine, wanna?” home fucking run darlings
3. a Warm Puy Lentils, seared tuna steak, and a side of warm potato salad….easy as….but makes you look like a top chef
4. see no 2
5. 2nd date really, taking them to a gig on the 16th April this year………anybody remember what gig was on that date?
1. Always Tom Waits. Not because it works better than anything else, but if she’s going to hand around with me, she’s going to have to fucking well get used to it at some point.
2. ‘Apparently you have a reputation for being a bit of a bastard’
‘Well maybe. I’d be up for having a girlfriend, but only if I really really like someone, and until I do I’ll probably just use you for sex, but at least I’m honest about it.’
Shockingly, this did actually work.
3. Cook a girl a really nice meal, ply her with red wine (not white, that’s for slappers) and she’ll be yours. If you can cook. Actually, if you want to teach a young man three skills for pulling they would probably be cooking, eating pussy, and self-confidence. Although the third is probably a natural consequence of attaining the previous two.
4. Some gorgeous but irritating and shallow Norweigan girl once said to me ‘I’ve broken up with Enda now. He’s looking, let’s make him jealous.’ to which I responded ‘No thanks. He’s a mate, why would I want to make him jealous?’ It worked like a charm – red rag to a bull!
5. I took Mrs. Toad to our family’s house in France for the weekend on our first date. That was a pretty fucking spectacular start. Yes babies, I’m smoooooothe!
1. Tam Waits also, has made me a feel a little less shallow than i know i shoulve felt.
2. More action rather than chat up line. Once for some unknown reason, my drunken mind instructed me to vault a fence next to a main road, yep impressive, more impressive was when i slipped due to the rain and landed square on my chin, back at the love palace i inspected the nasty flaps hanging from my face and thought it probably would be best to go to A&E. Apparently a trip to hospital with a drunken fool for stiches to the face can be endearing.
3. Red wine and a song.
4. ” we can share the bed, i willny touch you!” ooooh yeah! that was a lie (and consensual)
5. Went to the movies, ended up seeing a movie about Paedophilia! Jesus Fuck, definitely no naughty action during this film! then tequilla shots afterwards. Then some naughty action! Strange beginnings but we ended up married. Romance is not dead people.
See – Tom Waits! It’s a crucial filtering mechanism – if you don’t like Tom Waits, darlin’, I’m not sure I’m even prepared to shag you, so we better get this out of the way nice and early.
yep! i agree if they want the goods they must appreciate the Mr Waits.
1. The Stooges.
2. “I know that guy from Meursault”.
3. A wedgie.
4. I’m not saying I’m good, but when God has sex he calls out my name.
5. Bag of Chips. Bottle of Buckfast.
(Note: there’s a chance that some of these responses may have been fabricated.)
1. Well, I have a couple that I’ve successfully used: Tom Waits, naturally, Early Years Vols I + II, Closing Time & Nighthawks at The Diner;
2. Not sure this counts as ‘worst’ – accidental/cheesy, maybe. When I was in the Welsh Office (now the Assembly) over 15 years ago I managed to pull quite a lot of the ladies on my open plan office floor. One girl, Debbie, 18, skinny, thick as toffee but very good looking, was almost by accident. I’d often stay late to *ahem* borrow the computers to print off various things associated with a poetry magazine I was editing at the time. One night, after everyone had gone, Debbie was sat at the end of a long row of computers (playing solitaire) while I dicked about with the printer at the opposite end. Because the cleaners were vacuuming I moved to stand & eventually sit behind her to beable to hear her when she talked to me. She complained of a stiff neck & a bad shoulder, so I offered to massage her shoulder (I’d taken some lessons & wasn’t half bad). There was absolute silence when I was massaging her, apart from , I noticed, an oddly heavy sigh when I brushed her neck. So I moved my attention to her neck only. We ended up fucking like lunatics on the Director’s desk. She told me after she’d had no intention of anything like that happening (she didn’t fancy me like that, for one reason) but when I started touching her neck all bets were off.
3. Massage. As above. Also, a Mixtape. It’s worked 9 times out of 10 for me in the past. But, you have to be very smart with the song choices. I’m also in agreement with Matthew re: attention to pussy. It should be nothing but mouth, tongue, nose, fingers & everything bar your cock anywhere near there for the first hour at least. It may sound like a cliché but if you can sort your pussy play out you’ll have a woman absolutely begging for your cock in no time. I have Nichola Jones from my 6th form college to thank for that – she was one of the ‘popular’ girls & ordinarily wouldn’t be seen dead with the indie-likes of me. But, we sat next to each other in Modern History & I charmed her with my sense of humour (that’s another cliché but well worth honing your ‘make ‘em laugh’ skills). Even though she had this fucking demon jock-type of a boyfriend, we started taking our ’study periods’ back to my place. However, because of whatever reason she came up with, she’d only allow me graduated access to her downstairs & strictly no penetrative nonsense whatsoever. In effect, the gauntlet of “you will never make me cum, so it’s not worth the effort” was thrown down. It was probably her being canny & getting me to work for my reward, but whatever it was it worked a treat. It was classic teen sexual struggle — over a good couple of months I worked from kissing her mouth down to her milkbags, eventually to her pussy. For ages, & ages, week after week, sometiumes day after day, I was taught how to eat pussy (through necessity rather than direction, although I got to know her sensetive spots & what makde her trickle). Eventually, as is so often with these stories of rites of passge, she came. A great big leg kicking Buck-a-roo of a yelping orgasm. My ‘reward’ was some of that hide the train business. Nichola & I started seeing each other proper after that & went out for a year before I left for Cardiff. The whole expereince taught me attentiveness & patience.
4. “Excuse me, I just saw you read & I really enjoyed your stuff” (I didn’t, this stunningly beautiful young woman’s poetry was awfully bland & drenched in pseudo-political gender issues i.e. BORING); “Would you consider reading at a literature festival I co- organise alongside Labi Sifre?”. Yeh, we fucked alright. Hoo boy. For 6months. Like dirty, moral-free 2-dicked dogs (except she had 2 fannies) (but, not in real life. she only had one. although, her fanny did have one labia half substantially longer than the other. always gaping, she was. like it’d had a stroke) (the medical kind. not the… oh, right, you get that, ok…).
5. Front row, dead centre, Crystal Palace, early-90s, to see a ton of bands, but mostly The Cure headlining, & then introducing the newly friended girl to Robert Smith & Co afterwards. I was the dog’s bollocks, I can tell you.
re. previous post
what the fuck….
especially answer 3.
Erm, I think we need the Tart to show up for a lady-based antidote to all that. Come on Tarticles, where are you?
That’s kinda what you wanted, eh? Toad? Eh?
I think Andy G needs some lessons in mouthing a lady’s munch mound. Wjere is Tart when you need her?
Ever thought of auditioning for James Bond? or a part in a rom-com instead of Hugh Grant?
I have to say that DC’s kinda rendered any further answers obsolete… blimey!
Plus: getting down and dirty to Tom Waits? I love the guy, an’ all, but that’d just be plain creepy.
Andy – I’m not sure the phrase ‘and then I munched her mound until she wailed like a banshee’ has come up that often in Bond movies. Although, they are looking to make things more realistic and gritty…
Tom – well quite, what the hell can you say to that?
1. Something like Bruce Springsteen or Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, something I can sing along to.
2. Being very drunk and singing “davy rascal” to the tune of “jus a rascal” by dizzy rascal. I can’t fucking stand dizzy rascal, I was very, very drunk.
3. Wine, chat, music.
4. Is your sister seeing anyone? She is, are you,? Great.
5. I don’t think I’ve had a good first date, I must be a slow burner.
4. Brilliant.
Thank fuck someone’s broken that awkward silence too.
First dates are awful. Actually, dates are awful. Much better to get drunk and shag and worry about it later, otherwise the whole process become tortuous.
My, this is all rather “blue” innit? I believe I’ll have to wait to get on my home computer before I take a whack at this one.
No, it isn’t supposed to be blue. Certain people have perhaps taken it as an invitation to filth but the best shagging stories are always the funny ones. Go for it, C&B, no filth required.
Dates are actually the worst things in the world, the only time I’ve been on a date that was going well all my pissed up pals started banging on the window, one even got his nipple out and started rubbing it. I was wearing my fancy jacket as well.
A shame to have to cover it with the blood and smashed teeth of your former friends…
Well, here’s one lady’s perspective, although I’m not sure it’s going to do much to redress the balance away from the filth, although I’ll try….
1. I quite like a bit of Bonnie “Prince” Billy myself, he can be delightfully dirty and simultaneously romantic
2. Getting blind drunk and pole dancing badly (with or without pole) to Toxic seems to do the trick 9 times out of 10
3. Food is clearly always a winner but also anything hand crafted I think (I am, as we speak, covered in pritt stick and felt pen…..)
4. “Shall we go back to mine to get the laptop with all the tunes on it???” This was very successful but only after I had been told “Just put the laptop down, Katie.”
5. We went to see Kieran Hebden and Steve Reid – all that top quality drumming action was clearly inspiring…..
“Getting blind drunk and pole dancing badly (with or without pole) to Toxic seems to do the trick 9 times out of 10″
Not to denigrate your (no doubt excellent) drunken pole dancing skills, but men really are very simple creatures, aren’t we.
Pritt stick and felt pen, eh? What a lucky fellow. Mrs. Toad – take note… oh, never mind.
Well, it’s his birthday, thought I’d push the boat out…..
Certain people, indeed. You’re the one who mentioned eating pussies, Toad!
It’s a very valuable skill, but here is not the place to learn it. I’m surprised you didn’t leave diagrams, mate.
There is actually no greater turn on than arts and crafts, Fact. I believe this to be the reason Neil Buchanan is such a ladies man
http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/images/d/d6/Neil_buchanan_headshot.jpg
Hey baby, would you like to touch my pritt stick?”
don’t think diagrams are needed after those descriptions
*shudder*
“The whole expereince taught me attentiveness & patience.”
I like that there was a moral to the story.
Yes. Makes it kind of heartwarming, don’t you think.
Its like the wonder years nostalgic voiceovers.
“…back when your mom spent most of her time whizzed off her tits and covered in spunk and daddy had fifteen exotic forms of South American gonnorrhoea…”
Charming.
Erm, sorry everyone. I’ve taken that too far haven’t I. I didn’t think such a thing was possible on this site. Oh the shame.
Where were you in 1993 DC? I might have skipped a few years of trial and error…
More seriously, what on earth is a pritt stick? Is it safe to google at work?
More importantly, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR FIVE, NIC? Goddammit we need to recover our discipline around here.
(It’s just glue – like an UHU stick – it was a crafts-based joke.)
I can’t contribute a five of my own this time around (though I hope I will get the experience to fix that soon…), but I must say, this is really enlightening!
THERE ARE FUCKING RULES HERE, PEOPLE!
Oh bollocks to this. I am off to guzzle martinis. And actually, Bond’s fucking martinis piss me off too – they are completely fucking wrong. A martini should be made with gin not vodka, should be stirred not shaken and should be served dirty with two olives, NEVER with a fucking twist. Stupid fucking Mr. Pretend Spy and his silly fucking films.
Alright, alright… they would’ve been here earlier if I hadn’t paused to read a certain screed. Just quickly now, the pub beckons.
1. Cowboy Junkies’ “Trinity Session” has worked.
2. Offering a back massage on a long haul flight. (never again, that one)
3. Conversation. (unless you get to the point where they’re sobbing on your shoulder about guy troubles, then you might have missed your opportunity)
4. (at a pub table with 10 people and 9 chairs) “Perhaps you could sit in my lap?” (by rights, it shouldn’t have worked, it should have got me slapped, but there you go)
5. A lunch date that finished at 11am the following morning. (just now passed the six year mark)
Ok!! Apologies but my Internet is down grrrr. And D&C you by dear at sooooo correct. It’s only your good language skills and not your other oral abilities that will get you in trouble here!
1. Best pulling music – Tom Waits, my ass. You cannot tell me you actually have a music test for SEX. It’s gotta be Marvin Gaye of nothin and you know what I mean.
2. Worst approach that worked – a guy once said to me I want to duck you long and had all night long. I went home with him right away (not knowing his name) from the subway, well him and his roomate. And they did. Hey, we were celebrating the Bears winning the freaking Superbowl!! Everyone was doing it, ok?!
3. What should you give someone to get in their underpants? – access to your pussy, duh.
4. Best bit of chatting up you ever managed – I want to fuck you all night long and hard. Beleve me it sounds even better coming from a woman
5. (ya know I’m doing all this on my iPhone and I expect a reward!) Coolest first date sucessfully executed. M. Chutney and I went to a romantic spot to watch the sunset over a beautiful mountain pass. We snogges like teens to the astonishment of the tourists and we’ve been shocking people ever since :-p
One more point – per D&C’s er treatise, it’s all about your lower lip and the tip of your nose. Easy on the tongue till the very end gentlemen. But as in everything about sex, communication is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I’d ya can’t discuss it ya ain’t got no business doin it
Ok that should read “I want to fuck you long and hard all night long”
Just thought I’d add for emphasis and clarity. Damn phone!
And as Matthew is well into his cups by now (fucking time zones) I’ll monopolize the comments a little more and say Thanks for the shout out!!! oxoxox
As has already been said, I think my delicate eloquence regarding the mouth/mound ratio has more than painted a vivid technicolour landcaspe of what is required when lapping at Satan’s salad.
Nic, iIn 1993 I was tupping some sort from the Foriegn Office who was 5 years older than me, in one of Cardiff’s coolest bands at that point, & could only orgasm when she rubbed herself off with a pillow clamped between her legs*. No amount of bilge diving was going to clean her tubes, I can tell you. Didn’t stop me from trying, though. Patience, as was pointed out, is indeed the moral – despite most of mine being left in the alley to be canine fucked by the local Toms.
*my magnet for the damaged has been stuck on ‘on’ for years. Just look at TWoTH, f’fuck’s sake. I mean, there must be a mentalism gripping her brain for putting up with my jibber jabber.
Even though ‘landcaspe’ is a typo, it does seem to sound very rude when said aloud & followed by a Sid James cackle.
So true. During the 1950s, Martin Schein and Edgar Hale of the University of Pennsylvania conducted a series of experiments to determine what objects would elicit a sexual response from male turkeys. They discovered that all you need to do to elicit such a response is to show a male turkey a severed turkey head on a stick. For reasons that are not entirely clear, however, male turkeys preferred a head on a stick over a headless body (thereby reflecting at least one substantial difference between male turkeys and male humans).
Ahem.
Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, what the hell have I stumbled into??
Smut, pure smut!
1. Best pulling music.
Sorry, but it’s got to be the Theme from Shaft by Black Moses hisself, Mr. Isaac Hayes. Get her laughing (at something other than your crabbed organ) and you’re halfway there.
2. Worst pulling approach that actually worked.
Pretending to have a drinking problem. Tears were shed.
3. Apart from rohipnol, what should you give someone (food, drink or drug) to get into their underpants?
Well, I was going to say “helpful advice,” but that’s not “food, drink or drug,” so I’ll say Oreos. Chicks love Oreos.
4. Best bit of chatting up you ever managed.
“You enjoy myself.”
5. Coolest first date successfully executed.
I have never had a successful first date.
The Theme From Shaft C&B? Pretty much holding your cock in your hand as you open the door with that one, then?
Well D&C, that works too
but faster with oreos… you all knew much more about us women than I thought you did, well done! and Agnes, just jump in! we know you’re as naughty as the rest of us, no use pretending otherwise. Matthew’s already drunk, so don’t go running to him for protection.
Subtlety is for the handsome and self-confident. I’d be a virgin to this day if I had gone with subtlety. No. What’s called for is Isaac Hayes and a whole lotta incense oozin’ round the “crib.” Nothing less will do.
C&B if you’re gonna talk about beheading turkeys you’re gonna have to change your pic, that’s just too creepy even for this blog, imho
That, my dear, is an ostrich. Not a turkey. And not sexy at all, with or without a head.
Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?! Of course! I’ll just take her to my fucking family’s fucking house in fucking France. Did you bathe in champagne and eat truffles out of each other’s bungholes while you were at it? YFSP! How the other half lives….
YFSP! I’d missed that. Brilliant.
Translation please!
You Fucking Supercilious Prick.
He’s a bastard, that C&B.
Ahh truffles and bungholes…it’s all class here.
Tart, I’d like nothing better than to join this smutfest but how can I compare with that?!
Or compete, even? It’s Saturday morning here and I wasn’t on the sauce last night. I am however on strong painkillers for my recently dislocated knee.
So thats my excuse for al the typoes thet keepe apearing hear.
I stopped reading after Bart’s comment.
Did I miss anything?
Ah, now we really get to the reason why C&B had trouble getting laid… an unwieldy vocabulary.
So sorry to hear it Agnes, rest up dearie! xoxo
Cheers Tart!
Nose, lower lip & chin, too, Tart. Never forget the chin. How do you think Bruce Forsythe (&, for the Americans amongst us, Jay Leno; for the Canadians: Alanis Morrisette) gets so much poontang?
Nu-uh.
Women love an enormous vocabulary. Or.. wait a moment, perhaps it’s an enormous something else.
…. tracts of land?
No, a great big, enormous, throbbing sense of fucking humour, mate. Unless the ladies’ magazines are lying to us, which would be inconceivable.
Well, DC’s sense of humor is positively turgid. Gather ’round, ladies.
Turgid? Foetid, more like.
rancid? ….oh I didn’t say that.
Everyone knows that size doesn’t matter, it’s all about the music. And the music is most definitely not Tom fucking Waits.
If a lady can’t listen to Tom Waits then she might as well just piss off home immediately. Shagging a Waitsless woman would be basically pointless – like shagging a big bowl full of trifle, because the understanding of sex begins with the understanding of that satanic growl. Don’t get it? Need not apply.
satanic growl, satan’s salad, …. oh my lord… it just doesn’t get any better than this blog!
Yeah, I feel the same way about Lou Gramm.
Honestly, I’d rather stick my penis in a bowl full of angry wasps than in a woman with no appreciation of Tom Waits. If she don’t understand the Waits, she don’t understand sex. Full stop.
Sounds to me like someone doth protest too much. So tell me, have you ever accidentally shouted out his name while “finishing”? Good Christ, man, what about all the women who came before Tom Waits? Didn’t Salome know a thing or two about the sweet science?
No, no, no, C&B, it’s Satan’s science… geesh, can’t you follow along here? supercilious indeed! :-p
1. the shaggs
2. i know that guy from eagleowl……NO WAIT! COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!
3. give nothing…girls love a cheapskate (don’t they?)
4. ‘it’s not that i chose to be bald…i’m just really not well’…(works a charm)
5. megabowl! where love goes to die
whoop fucking whoop….i turn my head for a few hours and it goes all fucking rude.
“1. the shaggs”
Boom-tish!
That made me laugh out loud.
(I don’t do those text-ese abbrieviations.)
Oh fucking arse.
The joke was meant to be a little winky emoticon typed out with a bracket and a semi-colon after the bit about not doing text-ese abbreviations.
It wasn’t meant to be Word-fucking-arse-Press-wipe “helping” and making a shitey little stupid picture of it.
Fuck!
well i, for one, absolutely loved the Ballad of Nichola’s Sensitive Spots and i don’t know what all you prudes are complaining about.
unless it’s one of those British understated wry irony things and you’re not complaining at all. which seems most likely, come to think of it.
i’ll answer this later as my luscious Tart has just made me french toast.
xoxo
m.chutney
“the Ballad of Nichola’s Sensitive Spots”
That makes it sound so much less sordid than it really was.
Well! This was a good read.
1: I’m going to go with Sandro Perri for this one, it was a mix of his stuff that got me with the lovely lady I’m with now. Throw on ‘Love is Real’, stuff happens.
2: “I’m crap at sex. Thirty seconds, tops.” I think they reckon if you’re confident enough to say that, you’re confident enough to do a lot more.
3. Mulled wine on a cold winter’s night. Works rather well.
4. See 2. It’s actually a great line.
5. Hmm. I’ve never really had anything as straightforward as a first date… Breaking into a city park in the middle of a hot summer’s night is a good one though.