Five Meeeeellion Pounds
Apparently Brazil’s President or PM or whoever the fuck is in charge has recently gone on record as stating that the global financial crisis was caused by people with ‘white skin and blue eyes’. Whilst a little bitter racism does tend to amuse me in the morning, I think he is only half right. White men, perhaps, but actually I think you’ll find it was green eyes that were the problem.
Sometime this week I published my official thousandth post, which was cause for not all that much rejoicing at all really. It looked cool on the stats page but, actually, it wasn’t my thousandth post at all. I started this blog in November 2006, but an IT disaster a couple of years ago led to me losing the first five months of posts, so now it looks like the site only started in April 2007, which is a bit of a shame. So my actual one thousandth post was probably written some time in December, I would imagine, but erm, Yay! Me anyway I suppose.
I am going down to London on Monday to interview Jason Lytle, of ex-Grandaddy fame. He has a new album coming out on ANTI pretty soon, and Grandaddy were one of my favourite bands, so I am pretty excited about this. Because the interview is for most reputable local organ The Skinny it’s all being funded by the label too, which is rather nice. They’ve allowed me to publish it here as well, which is rather nice of them, so you’ll get to read it within the month.
So, er, as I head off to the King’s Wark for my weekly two-pint lunch with fucking fantastic fresh fish, please finish your British Rail sandwiches at your desk, and take the time to delurk and fill in this week’s Five Friday Favourites, as stolen shamelessly from the pages of GUT. It’s always nice to see some fresh faces on the fives. Frankly my regular commenters bore me to tears, and I secretly long for someone new and interesting to talk to (tee hee). And nothing too vulgar, or I’ll tell my Mum on you.
And congratulations to Shonagh of the King’s Wark (and most importantly of the Song, by Toad comments section) for her weekend breakfast concoctions being named the best in Scotland by the Guardian. Fucking brilliant. I’ve never had breakfast there, but if her eggs are as good as her company then you can’t possibly go wrong. Awww, wasn’t that sweet. Quite uncomfortably so, in fact. I’d better swear about something, just to get the right mood back.
Oh, and thanks to Dylan for accidentally supplying this week’s five. You may have to be a little creative in your interpretations, but I figured that they were funny enough that they had to go up anyway.
1. When were you last in a house of bondage, and who had to come and drag you out?
2. Carved images. Love or loathe?
3. What have you done today that’s really going to piss off your great-great grandchildren?
4. Is it okay to go ten-pin bowling on a Sunday?
5. Which do you like best, your neighbour’s ox, donkey or female servant?
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Lo-Fidelity Allstars – On the Pier
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Dakota Suite – The Cost of Living
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St Etienne – Just a Little Overcome
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1. I was in a hotel bar barely nine hours ago drinking whisky with a random couple who had to be in court this morning.
2. I always wanted my own totem pole.
3. Slept most of the way back from London on the train instead of getting the Woodenbox and Sparrow photos up onto Blueback Hotrod.
4. It’s never okay to go ten-pin bowling if you’re not in a Coen brothers movie
5. Don’t know about his ox, donkey or female servant, but he did give me some nice leeks from his garden.
Matthew, how have you managed to post your five an hour into the future?
Are you actually Max Headroom?
1. my mother used to have to drag me out of penny arcades all the time when i was a kid, does this count?
2. once did some carving in wood work at school….it was pish so loathed really
3. listened to The Best of Shed Seven
4. of course it is…..if you like wearing someone else’s shoes, the smell of sweat and the taste of bad hot dogs
5. Followed my new neighbour into the stair last night…she was smelling lovely!!!
you doing a bit of smoke and mirrors Toad?
Haha! It does mean Matthew can’t add any random banter until time catches up with itself and the time of his post comes around!
No, I wrote both last night, but changed the timestamp to this morning, and the comment to lunchtime, so it all went up at a time when Proper Job would be okay with it. I was assuming the comment wouldn’t appear until scheduled, but apparently not.
This one, on the other hand, was written now.
1) Never. I did go to Germany once though. Or did you not mean that kind of bondage.
2) They are shit aren’t they Matthew. And yet my brother continues to stock my house with soap stone carvings. Doesn’t he.
3) I eat a lot of fish. A lot. And by the time Ben Jr. Jr. get here there will be no fish and beef farming will have ruined the world. Sorry. I recycled though. That’s something.
4) If it was good enough for Donny, Walter, Jesus and The Dude then it’s good enough for me. Oh, this is a music blog, not a film blog.
5) Female servant? No I’m so screwed up I’d probably just end up making her tea and doing the cleaning myself because I felt guilty about the low minimum wage. I’ll take the OX. At least it would make good soup.
Also. I actually really like soap stone carving.
Where did my icon go? I liked it.
You’ve not spelled your email address correctly, so it doesn’t recognise you.
1. Aw come on, you were actually on my stag night, Matthew; I went off in a taxi at half eleven and you went off to the strip joints. Or something…
2. I like Henry moore and Rodin’s stuff, so I guess closer to love than loathe.
3. I realised I hadn’t switched off the radio in the kitchen, which means more contribution to global warming.
4. Yup.
5. I don’t know if it’s legal to have a donkey or Ox on our stir, though there’s a couple of nice looking fogs on our street. I kinda covet the retriver that lives round the corner.
1. Aw, come on, who went off to the strip joint on my stag night, Matthew?
2. I like Rodin’s the thinker.
3. Left the lekky on with oe or two items last night…
4. Yup
5. I kinda covet the retriever round the corner…
1. Bondage, perhaps not. But the missus used to come down to the Malt & Hops on Friday to meet me, not because she liked the pub, just to make sure that I left.
2. They’re fucking shit, really, aren’t they.
3. Not conceived their parents yet. And I’m not too sure they’ll be all that impressed with the personality they’re likely to inherit. Let’s hope our kids marry someone nice. If they can find someone nice to marry them, that is.
4. Every time I find myself ten-pin bowling, which is very, very rarely, I can’t escape the sinking feeling that I am somehow starting to lose at life just a little bit.
5. My neighbour is a mad old bugger, and lecherous old bastard, so if he were to acquire a female servant… well! Say no more.
hiya Ed
hello Ed
1. This is a house of bondage – the can’t go anywhere, we get to order them about and keep them in once place. And then there’s the basement…
2. Too general – there are some nice things. Probably.
3. My great great grandfather was around in the 1840s (lots of old dads going down the line) so on the basis my great great grandkids will be here in 2180 or so and I’m not sure that I am going to have any great effect on them from here other than in a ‘butterfly effect’ kind of way.
4. I only ever go bowling on school trips or with the little ones at home and they are so small they have to use those shooty delivery things which make it all kind of pointless. And it’s stupidly expensive (and horrible) to get food or drink there. But there is the big liebowski argument that says that despite everything bowling rocks.
5. My neighbour on one side is a strange bloke, ‘Beardy’ his mates call him, or ‘redbeard’. He didn’t speak to us at all for about eighteen months and then one day I bumped into him on the bridge over the railway and he stood and talked at me for ten minutes about trains. The idea of him having a servant is laughable. So I’ll have the donkey.
I’m a newbie. This seemed like a good one to start on because there are NO wrong answers.
1. At a friend’s stag party the other night someone bought me a private dance, which was my first one. No one dragged me away. No one had to it was all over remarkably quickly.
2. Love. You gotta admire the tenacity that it would take to make a carved image. Imagine making a totem pole? That would take ages.
3. Well, I heard recently that keeping the pipes clean, as it were, is good for a man’s fertility. But surely, if they’re too clean (cleaned out), that’s no good either. There must be a middle ground somewhere, and I bet it depends on things like your age, how much you drink, diet, etc, because they all have an influence on your sperm count. So someone should create an interactive online questionnaire where you answer a series of questions, and then it tells you how many times a week you should wank if you are trying to conceive (which I’m not, by the way).
4. I concocted a plan when I was younger, to wear really cheap shoes to bowling, then make off with the colourful, clown-like shoes, but I never did.
5. I think you might be my neighbour, Matthew, if you frequent the King’s Wark. I live right near there. My neighbor below me in my building has really big parties, but they’re eerily quiet.
Ed – we turned up so late we didn’t get in.
Adam – Just The Big Lebowski? AND Kingpin, surely.
Hello Dan, nice of you to say hello. I work near the Wark, but we moved out of Leith a couple of years ago now. This is a shame though, because Leith fucking rocks. I still think of it as my spiritual home in Edinburgh.
Leith is great Matthew…you should move out of that middle class hell-hell where you currently reside.
I really think this Friday Five needs to be put into context, particularly if we’re attracting newbies!
(Hi Dan!)
1.Apparently there is a pub in Leith holds bondage parties. I haven’t been though and it’s not the Wark before you all start!
2. Love
3. i reckon i’ll agree with Ben, stay away from the anchovies and sardines people!!
4. Does it count if i have been on Saturday night and left when it was Sunday? then it’s sad that i was bowling on a Saturday night… It was a half hearted effort of my boss to prevent us from getting completely hammered on the Staff night out, but it didn’t work.
5. I’m slightly worried because Dan may be my neighbour and he has divulged a fair bit of his Friday activities on here… Do you have a donkey?
Muchos thanks for the kind words Matthew! You made me blush!!
Oh, go on then, I’ll delurk too. My contributions will probably be few and far between; I get little enough work done as it is. But hello people – you seem like a nicely crazed bunch.
Anyway, Friday fives:
1. I’m notorious for having to be dragged away from just about any sort of social gathering. My boyfriend usually gives me half an hour for goodbyes, then starts getting stroppy.
2. Love ‘em. Ooh yeah, gimme those graven images baby.
3. I’m not planning on having kids, so depriving them of an existence probably fits the bill for today.
4. The fact that it’s Sunday makes no odds to me, but 10 pin bowling is pretty wrong, unless it’s in the skittles alley at the Sheep’s Heid. No obnoxious fast food stench, no obnoxious tinny cheese blasting from blown speakers, no obnoxious footrot from those godawful shoes, and fewer obnoxious, shrieking, tracksuited retards for company.
5. Given that I live two doors down from a brothel, the female servants are quite possibly of the, ahem, less salubrious persuasion. But I’ve not seen any oxen or donkeys there yet, so they’ll have to do.
OK, Matthew, I’ll let you off : ))
Ed
I wasn’t going to post cause Dylan’s 5 are so stupid. But I have to because I’m going to defend ten pin bowling.
1. Never been to a house of bondage, been to a sex show in Amsterdam though and the museum of sex too. I left voluntarily from both. Neither were anything special. Just a side note, the Kings Wark and the Burke and Hare look suspiciously alike in the drawing of Edinburgh pubs on the wall of Teucthars Landing. I’m just saying…
2. Love
3. I don’t think anything. I hope not anyways
4. Disco bowling was a favourite of ours when I lived in the Netherlands. People actually dress up and go bowling and they have loads of beer and disco lights! Add to it the best celebration competition that we used to have and you’ve got yourself a party! Plus, it beats sitting around thinking “shit I have to work tomorrow”….but bowling is always runined by the secret semi-professionals who go all the time but pretend their top score is just luck!!
5. I like my neighbours generally. Don’t think any have pets though or any strange habits. They all seem normal.
Hello Corry! Delighted to see you poking your head above the ramparts.
I live right around the corder from a place called The Gentlemen’s Club. Yes, that sort of gentlemen’s club. I walked right past the door for two years, never even noticing that it was there, and now that it’s been pointed out to me the bloody thing sticks out like a sore thumb. Or an inconvenient hard-on, given we’re talking ladies of the night here.
Fucking top notch oxen they have there, though.
Dylan’s five are brilliant Euan, stop being such a…
…wait for it…
…GROUCH! Ta-daah! See what I did there?
Context, Euan! Context!
This was never meant to be a proper Five, but now that’s it’s up it seems to be working out quite well in a bizarre kind of way.
I just texted you, by the way..
What are your neighbours donkeys like then Dylan? Bit saucy are they?
Pervert.
He has leeks, not donkeys.
Nice leeks.
how do you know they are nice….do you sneak out in the middle of the night to touch and smell them?
dylan, you have no context. just a big bubble you walk about in, similar to the matrix, which is filled with utter nonsense from which you randomly pluck weirdness and post it on these pages. or text me it. or e-mail me it. or share it with me whilst we annoy Shonagh at the wark!
1. I’ve never been to a house of bondage. Nor do I ever plan to.
2. They’re okay, I guess.
3. Spent money rashly, rather than invest in the future.
4. Yes. I concur with Coriander. Sheep’s Heid is great fun, particularly on a lazy Sunday.
5. I hate my neighbours. If they’re not listening to Ocean Fucking Colour Scene, they’re having inappropriately loud sex.
you’re just jealous of the loud sex Bart
No, he gave me some! He’s a friendly old chap.. His whole garden’s laid out to an allotment actually, he’s got all kinds of great stuff growing in there.
And I covet it, because nowhere does it say Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s allotment. It only specifies oxen, donkeys and female servants. You can’t covet them, but anything else is fair game.
Bart covets his neighbours’ loud sex.
1. Jamie Theakston
2. Love
3.Stayed at home instead of going to work.
4. It’s never OK to bowling unless you live in The Mid West
5. My neighbour’s cleaner is an Eastern European stunner.
1. Well, I was only watching, and although M.Chutney was having a great time, I opted for the living room and the companion of a gorgeous woman :-p
2. love, especially if they are these
3. no children, yay! (better off, believe me!) but other people’s children? hmmm, well perhaps all the driving is inexcusable, but honestly it’s not all my fault! I’m being time-efficient!
4. Do you all say “ten-pin bowling” to differentiate from lawn bowling? Ha, that’s funny, if so. Well, bowling is always cool, especially if in London with my friends who do this, yes it’s really called “Shake, Rattle, and Bowl” and it’s a hoot!
5. My neighbors all don’t speak to us because of all the loud sex. Honest. So I’ll have to go with donkey but not for the disgusting reason all you menfolk are envisioning right now, dirty perverts! Donkeys have such beautiful shaggy faces and big liquid brown eyes, I’ve got a picture of one in my office, love them! So shut it, gutter heads. xoxoox
Do you live near Bart, by any chance?
Sean – I covet!
have such beautiful shaggy faces and big liquid brown eyes
i thought you were talking about me…..but i have blue eyes
Speaking of which, cheeky half later?
Dan, I’m so pleased to meet you! And no, there’s no worry about too frequent cleaning there hun, it’s an endless supply until about age 65ish unless of course you smoke, then you’ll have troubles much earlier on, mid 40′s late 30s even… don’t say I didn’t warn you all!
Coriander, yay, more women here!
Euan, and you wonder why they call you grumpy! Honestly, darling… put on a face at least. xoxo
Bart I do fear for your future sometimes xx
ello Ed sweetie!
and darlings, do stop over at JC’s today… he’s really in a bad way lately xx
Jesus, Tart, I’m at work!
People can see my screen!
Is that one dude fucking a horse?
oooh Shonagh !!! Congrats!!! I nearly forgot! Can’t wait to get to Edinburgh and try you out!
oh that came out all wrong…..
No it didn’t, you’d love that too.
incorrigible is the term that comes to mind
I’ll keep my mind half out of the gutter Tart, look forward to you trying me… sorry, my breakfasts out!
Hmm, still sounds like a come on!!
This is quite a nice angle.
God, I’m bored!
1. Living a somewhat sheltered life I’m struggling to think of any good house of bondage anecdotes. I was once accosted by some delinquent youth in my home town of Crook in County Durham, who attempted to wrap me in some stolen plastic fencing – but fortunately I was able to drag myself free.
2. I feel pretty indifferent.
3. I don’t think I’ve done anything today that will greatly piss anyone off, particularly not a couple of generations from now. I have been a lot less productive than I planned to be though which I’m personally a bit pissed off with.
4. I’m joining Coriander and Bart on this one.
5. The only neighbours I’m particularly aware of in our building are a wailing baby in the flat above and an old lady who seems to spend her time ambushing people in the stairwell. Not sure where I’m going with this. Ox.
I did it wrong.
I meant this.
Jeez, you guys never stop, do you?! I wanted to post during the last two hours but had to get on with teaching. Sigh…
1. Can’t tell, saving this for my ‘jade goody’ style memoirs.
2. They’re okay.
3. Nothing really, however when i do die i will insist that my body be stuffed and kept on display in my families home to unsettle future generations. he he that should piss them off
4. Only if Euan say’s it’s ok.
5. How can i answer this without making someone jealous? can donkeys get jealous?
p.s.I want matthews mum to come back. and i think you should give her a regular weekly post. like bad-dad, but with gin.
You’ve already got the haircut…
too soon matthew.
jade was queen of our hearts.
I can’t believe you posted that.
I actually stopped myself posting it – and you know how far down the line of bad taste my self-editing threshold is!
She was a cunt. The only reason people aren’t calling her a cunt now is because she’s dead. If she were still alive she’d still be a fucking cunt.
Good fucking riddance.
oh god…he took the bait.
She. Was. A. Cunt.
Now she’s dead.
Good.
move along people! nothig to see here!
I actually didn’t edit myself on those grounds, I agree wholheartedly with you from what little I know of the individual herself.
I was actually thinking there might be someone on here with similar unfortunate experiences.
Jesus. Am I for real?
Who the hell am I and what have I done with Dylan?!!
(1) Never been in one. But I’ve been in countless titty bars.
(2) I like carved images in untreated wood.
(3) Not having a child in the first place in order to go on to spawn them.
(4) Do people still insist on calling it Ten Pin Bowling? Like, you know, Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Cornflakes? Or, Cadbury’s Cream Egg?
(5) My neighbour is the manager of a fairly successful bar in the city. He works until about 4.30am each morning, when he comes home, in a taxi, with a new (pissed out of her head) shag. So, to compensate for his woeful life (sleeping most of the day, every day) he rents out half of his house to what are essentially ex-students who haven’t yet realized it’s allll over & they really should be getting a FUCKING JOB. Oh, did I mention they’re all female? Yes, that’s right. LOUD FUCKING EX-STUDENT SHITTY GOSSIP MAGAZINE READING FEMALES.
Their half situates their lounge/living room right next to my bedroom &, they’re convinced they’re from an episode of Nathan Barley – the cuntish characters (i.e. the ones everyone else in the world know as cuntish but, bless them, because that’s what they are, they miss the satire entirely); the ones who KNOW EVERYTHING (& are qualified to state that by virtue of youth) & proclaim as such very, very loudly indeed.
So, because they, the cuntish, constantly hold giggle/screaming/sing-a-long/more screaming sleep-over style impromptu parties in that lounge, (from the moment they get in from the pub or club), until 20mins before my neighbor, their landlord, turns up, (therefore him know nothing), & then refuse to acknowledge the parties taking place or offer an apology… I feel justified to fucking despise his oxen (she’s the one who has a fucking horrendous, justification for murder, over-patronising & loud laugh); I would gleefully slit the throat of his donkey (she’s the one who has the LISTEN TO ME! I HAVE SOMETHING TERRIBLY IMPORTANT & WISE TO IMPART voice that just does not stop shouting above everyone else, & as for his female servant, well… like I said: different one every night, generally in the aesthetic ballpark of Munter, & on the brim of stomach roll/back arch puke dansing on the bathroom floor.
Well, as it’s a day for lurkers revealing themselves, here’s another newbie for you!
1. Not really ever been to one as such, but I did watch a guy trap his tongue in a mouse trap at the Voodoo Rooms once. We left of our own accord, quite soon after he starting jumping up and down on broken glass with bare feet…
2. Those wizards in forests spook me out a bit. Why do all chainsaw men inhabit a Dungeons and Dragons infested parallel universe? Can’t we just have a nice rabbit or something?
3. Today I spent the whole morning spooning the brains out of mouse foetuses with my special mouse foetus brain spoon. I’m pretty sure the grand kids would be a little unhappy with that, even if I do cure schizophrenia along the way.
4. No, because Sunday is orienteering day.
5. I would like my neighbour’s ox more if it trampled over the heads of the little shits that play rubbish fake bhangra through my roof at all hours of the day. So it’ll have to be the donkey.
See?
Because of me just being associated with you making that joke I’ve just been sent an email advertising U2 and Manic Street Preachers tickets.
It’s retribution, I tells ya!
1. Never, however i do have some friends who visited one in Amsterdam and were deeply disturbed by it, they only went in for a laugh
2. Depends what they’re carved on, I love the ones on the beach where they make huge dragons out of the sand with a little bucket and spade, and then the sea washes all their efforts away. I also like the funny little vegetables they carve in Thai restaurants. I dont like gargoyles of any kind carved into anything, ever
3. Binned a 12 year career in banking to pursue a penniless existence in the local ‘paint shop’ (as Dylan likes to call it) in Stockbridge
4. After the introduction of the Wii I didn’t think anyone went out to ten-pin bowl
5. All my neighbours have is a bike that they continually pack in and out of their car
and Dylan – don’t use the ‘C’ word or I’ll tell Mum
I want a mouse foetus brain spoon.
I would eat boiled eggs with it.
DC, remember, we’re putting the word ‘munter‘ in the same bad taste bin as jokes about Jade Goody’s head. There’s a good boy.
How did that very cheery little picture of me appear? I am spooked.
Becky, you’re a Toad lurker? So if, say, in another ten years schizophrenia still isn’t cured, it won’t be my fault will it? Get back to work!
Imagine being the engineer asked to design a mouse foetus brain spoon.
“How was your day today, dear?”
“Erm, I don’t quite know how to tell you, darling.”
What I meant was: helllooooooo! Three new ladies today – we must be wearing Lynx.
The only ‘C’ word I’ve used today is context.
I was spooked to see your cheery little face too, like usual!
Leave Becky alone Matthew, I think her five are about the best so far today.
And anyway, there has to be a point when you’ve learned as much as you can from digging about in mouse foetus’s brains with your mouse foetus brain spoon, and from then on you’re just doing it for fun.
There must be a very limited amount of fun to be had from poking about in mouse foetus brains with a mouse foetus brain spoon.
Unlike, of course, constant repetition of the phrase mouse foetus brain spoon. It sounds like a Dr Seussism. Hours of fun to be had with that!
Mousefoetusbrainspoon!
Very disappointing Google image results from the words ‘mouse foetus brain spoon’
You know that email I mentioned about U2 and Manic Street Preachers tickets?
Well here’s the body text, and it has to be the most chillingly terrifying set of unenticing concerts I’ve ever seen!
The only vaguely interesting one is the one non-music event!
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. Through these cheese trees, freezy breeze blew. When freezy breeze… cheesy fleas… trees… no, I’ve forgotten the rest.
Yeah, Becky, you’ll have to post a link.
We need a photo of a mouse foetus brain spoon..
I’m going to call my band Mouse Foetus Brain Spoon!
Is anyone else thinking that at their Toad Session we could ask Found to do a version of Alsation Gull Scene, with the chorus replaced by the words Mouse Foetus Brain Spoon? That would be fucking brilliant!
I can actually hear it in my head – it’s brilliant!
Dylan – my favourite ever review on Toad (now sadly lost to an IT disaster) was my one of Paolo Nutini’s debut album. It was one sentence long:
“Sounds a bit like James fucking Blunt to me.”
And that was all.
(Three-post mentalism!!!1!!)
Me too, and funny enough as soon as I got to the word Found I knew where you were going with that one Matthew.
Brilliant!
TPM there, by the way.
I’ve been careful to avoid it all day.
Now pub.
We’ve got to ask. Would they kill me? Never speak to me again? Cancel the session? Love it? We’ve got to ask!
Right. Pub!
I wish you UK natives would stop announcing to us in the States that you’re off to the fucking pub. I have four hours of work day left.
Not that I’m working that hard obviously.
Haha! PUB!
Shut up with the pub, I’m still in the lab. But on Monday I will bring my camera, and reveal all about the mouse foetus brain spoon. And then these hours will be worth it.
Maybe.
They will be worth it for us, Becky. I think mouse foetus brain spoon should become a t-shirt, with a little drawing of the implement in question above the text. I await the picture with considerable curiosity, and anticipation of near-certain anti-climax.
You’ve had the most impact of any debutante on these pages since Tart – well done!
That would be really mean of you if I wasn’t drunk at work most of the time anyway.
1. Nevada, summer of 2007 – the straggler I met outside of a truck stop on his way to Burning Man.
2. Mildly dislike
3. That thing with the baby turtles, the shoe horn, and the sello tape. I should never have posted it on YouTube.
4. Only if its Glow Bowl, you’re 14, and you haven’t discovered drugs/booze/the opposite sex/the same sex.
5. Ox, for the obvious reasons.
Shonagh, if the King’s Wark isn’t a house of bondage, someone really needs to explain to me all those restraints in the basement. And every day of the six months I worked there.
I cannot believe you got away with that.
married several years, no rescue party yet
Love
too early in the day to tell (11:00am), I have the whole day in front of me to fuck up.
Only if they serve brunch
female servants ass? (for the U.S. trolls he meant neighbor, now off to ye olde pub)
how many times do I have to post to get a better F’ing icon? Trying to rise above troll status.
ps. enjoying an album by LexLand called Orange Days on Lemon Street. Look them up. Reminds me of things thet were on the Toad list for 08
Shonagh, I’m delighted, no matter how drunk you were when you typed that, you little darling xx
Becky, I gladly pass the crown to you… well done! well done!! And they’re asking for pictures from you! They begged me NOT to send mine, hmmmmpf! (well, Dylan did ask again and again, but was overruled, alas). Yours is definitely t-shirt worth!!
Here I am off looking for jobs and you lot are gushing over other women… can’t say I’m not pleased with you
happy drinking! but shame on you DC for the munting AGAIN… let her lie, darling!
Mr Dyran, they are munters, all of them.
Trophy cadavers.
Bacardi Breezer sautéd fuck torsos.
Jady Goody stunt doubles.
Andrew, I am deeply sorry. As soon as I have a picture of a Mouse Foetus Brain Spoon, you shall be it.
Dianna, some truck stop straggler had to drag you out of a house of bondage? That’s just weird. And what restraints in the basement. I thought, all this time, that it was just the beer that kept me there marriage-wreckingly late.
Tarticles, honestly I’m just glad that women still read the site and don’t hate me. The scars from that podcast run very deep. You are welcome to post your sordid pics on here, just don’t be surprised if… well, I don’t know, just don’t be surprised. Actually, that’s barely English. No sordid pics please, my Mum reads this site (apparently).
DC – If they’re as minging as Jade Goody, even before her Uncle Fester phase, then he must be very, very drunk indeed.
Rumour is she has very recently become even less attractive. You know, unless…
Sorry, about the typing. I’m still at work so I’m a bit tipsy.
Well for the first time ever my firms spam filters blocked your website today……whatever was said it was bad and as a not quite newbie I’m blaming Dylan as he has previous.
1) I have no idea where I was but I remember the words ‘if you don’t get the monkey out of here he’s going to get more bananas than he bargained for’.
2)Only good in rain shelter festival tents, hippy crap save the trees
3)More flights, more parties, more pissing it up against the wall. As one of the consequences of Thatchers Britain I’m now seeing it as my responsibility to waste stuff.
4) No, I’m going to the bowling alley meant a whole different thing in Newcastle in the 80′s.
5)The Ox for the tongue kissing …doh
Beer
seriously matthew. she was 27 for fucks sake. i don’t care if you thought she was the worst fucking human on the planet: “now she’s dead. good”
you should be ashamed. i know you won’t be. but you should be.
She made her death public property, she was famous for absolutely fucking nothing,and I honestly think that one of the most interesting things you can look at is the very beginning of her interview on eviction from celebrity bb as it dawned on her that by being a nasty racist little shit of a bully she had been perceived as being a nasty racist little shit of a bully and should probably try to do something about it she is a perfect modern embodiment of completely and absolutely talentless celebrity and I have a particular issue about the fact that she kept saying she needed to make a fat pile of money so that her kids could have a decent education FUCK RIGHT OFF oh you did.
Man, WHAT THE FUCK, 97 comments, how could I possibly add anything of merit to this… I can’t even follow what’s going on.
…. Oh well, going to hit the back button and go back to my lonely little whole in the web. Gonna post a bunch more mp3′s since I can’t write for shit. Love the Toad!
But did want to say congrats on the upcoming interview with Jason Lytle. Grandaddy has always been one of my favorites too. And another compliment, this blog has become one of top 5 favorite to visit. Gush… Love the writing and music is always spot on. So good, it makes me want to quit blogging
Spam filter? Cogstar, they did what? What a pile of fuckers, how dare they. Every last word on this site is.. is, er… oh, right, sorry, I take their point.
What did the bowling alley mean in Newcastle? Do I really want to know.
Euan, the world is always better for being rid of shit people, age is irrelevant. I’m not saying I envy her, just that as near as possible to 100% of the planet is better of for her not being here any more.
Adam – oh yes she did! Bye bye, you won’t be missed. A friend of mine bought her latest calendar in Waterstone’s the other day, but he ended up taking it back. Fucking thing only went up until March. (You’re welcome!)
Merz – 97-odd comments, yes, it’s a bit strange, but if you look back there’s probably less than a hundred words of intellectual merit here. The rest is just meaningless nonsense. That’s what makes it fun, of course, but it’s still just fluff. I am, of course, very grateful and it is dead nice that people chip in. It means a lot to me. But I’d still write it all if no-one had anything to say.
The real shame of Jane Goody is that she got cancer, and not the twats that paraded her around for money. She’s just an idiot. They are all around and go about their business and don’t hurt people.
That said, she was sort of a racist. When did they start to become lovable?
1. Monday; my drummer.
2. Love some, loath most.
3. Didn’t get dressed up as a zombie for a zombie party; shame on me.
4. No.
5. As I may have mentioned on these pages before, my neighbour is a “female servant”. I guess I like her donkeys best, whatever that means…
At least the cancer is now at rest.
haha!
What’s the difference between Jade Goody and a moped?
Go on…
a moped can hit 30…
you made me go ‘hoh!’
what’s Jade Goody’s kids getting for Easter?
cheap shot, i know. but there’s so few “JG’s dead” jokes out there… It’s probably a testament to her worth as a person: Steve Erwin had loads of jokes about him after he died, and there were millions about princess Di. Now I’m not one to draw conclusions, but surely this means something…
Go on…
adopted.
hahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhhaha.
I take it all back; maybe her life was worth something after all…
What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and Freddy Mercury?
Ferguson can still play Giggs.
*groan*
Ah, NOW I understand about the mouse fetus brain spoon. And I repeat my assertion in another e-forum that it MUST what Cadbury uses to extract the proto-rodent cerebra that they put into their Fruit & Nut bars…
1. I work in a house of bondage. I live in another house of bondage. But sadly neither are that kind. Oh bondage, up yours! One two three four…
2. Love em love em LOVE EM!! By em I mean em wot’s carved by our First Nations artists. Have a fucking look at this – it’s even got bollox on show: http://tinyurl.com/billreidraven
3. I didn’t stand up, chuck my desk arse over tete, smash my computer, drive away the numbers screaming in terror, and leave that particular house of bondage.
4. Next time y’all go to the Sheep’s Heid, can I come too?? Please??
5. Indeed, ox tongue, yum…
Lurve,
FiL
P.S. I find I get all sweary whenever I visit – must be the gin in the water cooler…
Jade = hero
fucking joking….shes a bitch….a dead fucking bitch….ha ha
i’ve remembered the first time i met Mr Bear……..oh the fucking shame….cos it does have something to do with the way that JG died……shame shame…..i’m so happy that Mr Bear still talks to me…..shame shame shame.
Is the bitch still dead?
Good!!
i feel like i’ve just soiled myself….sorry
Christ.
you guys are fucking sick.
no we’re not…..jesus if i was to get all serious….of course i can empathise with the children…losing their mother most be awful…..but that is it…..she was a stupid fucking cow who sold her arse to the thicker than thick population of this country….i didn’t care about her when she was alive, why the fucking hell should i be forced to care about her now……what about all the other ‘normal’ people that have died in the past week or so….i care more about those people and their families than i’ll ever will for some daft cow called Jade.
Amen
i was serious for whole 13 words!!!
i’m so proud
Whoop whoop
I’ve just woken up without a hangover on a Saturday for the first time in ages.
What’s Chutters on this morning? Four post mentalism?! That’s just crazy talk, man!
I think you’re onto a loser about Jade Goody, there Euan. It’s probably fair to say taking the piss so mercilessly while the girl’s corpse is still warm is a bit sick, but hundreds of other young people died last week without being splashed all over the tabloids or even getting a commemorative edition of OK! magazine dedicated to them; and 99% of them would have led a more productive and worthwhile life, and will be more sorely missed.
It’s probably equally fair to say that she only achieved anything worthwhile at the end of her life – as her death throes were broadcast so publically – by raising the profile of cervical cancer and encouraging young women to get tested.
What happened the first time you met Mr. Bear, Chutters?
i’ll tell you tonight……Bart nearly disowned me tho….Chris B was there also and he got some flak also….
…but they have forgiven me….so it’s ok
Maybe they’re just waiting for the right moment.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that.
Here’s the thing Dylan. When have I defended Jade Goody? Not once, so I fail to see how my point is irrelevant or onto a loser. I never liked her either particularly – not that I paid much attention to her. And I don’t think she deserves any of the attention that she received in the final months of her life. Certainly no more so than any other person in the world. You’re right. I agree.
The only thing I said was that its fucking sick to come on a page like this, that is so widely read and take amusement at a 27 year old woman dying of cancer whether it was a week ago or 10 years ago. Calling her a stupid cow is one thing. Saying good she’s dead is a completely different thing altogether.
You can’t have your cold revenge and eat it, Euan.
MP3 blogs are killing music and public decency.
And kittens.
Euan is right, it is a bit sick and a bit mean. But people had jokes about the twin towers attacks more or less immediately, it’s just what people do.
In the words of the Doug Anthony Allstars, ‘Fuck it, we had jokes written about the space shuttle disaster before the bloody thing hit the water’.
The one constant we all have to face as humans is death and, as such, I believe we all share a collective propensity to laugh at it.
Often the more innappropriate the joke, the more genuine the laughter.
Right or wrong, that’s human nature.
ok. not arguing with that. but just as you wouldn’t laugh at my best friend dying in a car crash when I was 21 I think laughing at this young women dying of cancer is fucked. forget who she is. it’s one of the most horrible things that can happen, somebody dying so young.
don’t try and defend it with “its human nature”
dylan or that people joked about the twin towers so its ok! did you? i hope not. and nobody here is laughing about death here dylan, they are laughing at somebody, directly at them and celebrating their death! very different things.
i’m past caring, this woman doesn’t deserve any amount of brain effort.
the only emotion i feel is distaste…distaste for everything she stood for…..and anyway regardless of what we think….she is already being canonised by the mass media…..and that annoys the living shit out of me cos all i think of whenever i see photos of her, is what a petty minded, vain, vacuous, racist little cow she was….and no emotionalising of this will make me change my mind.
How did we get onto such a distasteful subject as the life of Jade Goody anyway?
Can we get back to talking about munting instead?
munting Jade?
I suspect that having Jade Goody and munting on the same post is just going to lead to trouble. But not from me ‘ no siree bob ,
Face it. It’s a topic we’ve been skirting around on this thread for a while now.
I found out Lady Di was dead as I was making breakfast, and I’m pretty sure I’d heard the first joke before I finished the dishes.
Euan, the sad fact of life is this world is better off without some of the more reprehensible cunts in it. Goody was one of those cunts that took up too much airtime & oxygen. I’m very happy she’s finally unable to voice her uneducated opinion via any media any time ever again. The only thing that would make the news of her death any better is if Kerry Katona set herself on fire & fell into the grave as they were filling it.
The fact that she has left 2 kids in the dubious hands of a sociopathetic grandmother & a thug husband & a thug ex-husband is an indictment of how bad the education system is in promoting the use of contraceptives.
Plus, we’re not laughing at a woman dying of cancer. We waited until she was dead.
Erm, right, isn’t that Pictish Trail Session something. Gosh yes, why don’t we go and read that instead.
*ahem*
She was a cunt. The only reason people aren’t calling her a cunt now is because she’s dead. If she were still alive she’d still be a fucking cunt.
Good fucking riddance.
Yes, that is my opinion. I am just suggesting that we may wish to move on.
Erm, I just stopped by for the bondage and ox tongue…
Do you covet your neighbour’s ox tongue? You fucking pervert, that’s disgraceful!
Do you covet your neighbour’s copy of the Jade Goody commemorative edition of OK! magazine?
Was it OK! or Hello magazine who – disgracefully even in this context – published their commemorative edition before the wretched hound had actually got around to carking it?
I mean, one or two comments on here have touched upon bad taste, but that’s a whole ‘nother level!.
They were effectively munting the corpse while it was still drawing breath!
4.23am Dylan? What in God’s name were you doing up at that time. Shame shame.
Me and Bart spent an hour watching a chav soap opera unfold at the taxi rank before heading home.
I simply want to say……congrats on getting the interview. First step to a job as a music critic with The Gaurdian????
Oh fer fuck’s sake, JC, why’d you have to go ruin everything by bringing music into it? It’s all about Jade Goody, ox tongue, skittles, and munting!! Er, but there definitely isn’t enough bondage. Yes, more bondage please…
*ties self up*
Yes, he doesn’t quite have the hang of the Friday Fives yet, does he FiL. And given that the central concept of it is talking pure shite, I’d have thought he’d have taken to it like a duck to water.
(Thanks JC, but I doubt the Graun will be coming to call any time soon.)