Fxkhdfkj Fkjhs Foiks
Foiks really should be a proper word, shouldn’t it. I think that might be as close as I get to the infitnite number of Booker Prize-winning monkeys. That would be quite disappointing actually, wouldn’t it – Booker Prize-winning monkeys. You wait almost an infinite amount of time (say, ‘ages’, for example) for your infinite number of monkeys to rattle off some Shakespeare and all they fucking lazy simian bastards come up with is the latest Joanne Harris Novel for Menopausal Women Who Think Their Artistic Side is Being Neglected. Fuck you, monkeys! The Girl With the fucking what? Jesus, as if I didn’t feel like I was having my period already. Mind you, it could be worse. They could write Jeremy fucking Clarkson’s autobiography.
That picture at the top there is how we are hoping to get the Toadmobile painted. We spent Thursday night getting drunk together and fannying about with Photoshop to come up with a few different ideas, and that was a narrow favourite, just ahead of one in bright metallic green with black and white racing stripes down the middle. It also was very cool indeed. Christ knows what our mechanic is going to say when we show him that picture, but, erm, well we’ll just leave that for another day shall we.
Grmpf. That’s it, really, so please de-lurk and chip in with your Friday Five, as pinched from the talkboards on the Guardian. And if you want to chip in next Friday’s five then just email me at the usual address.
1. Favourite not-a-word-but-should-be.
2. Place name which sounds completely made up.
3. A word doesn’t exist for this, but it should.
4. Cool-sounding foreign word.
5. Word you could never spell.
Velvet Underground – Venus in Furs
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My Teenage Stride – Actors’ Colony
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1. Ridonculous
2. Chipping Ongar
3. Getting goosebumps from just thinking about nails on a blackboard. Or is that just me?
4. Pamplemousse
5. Onomatopoeia
1. Excresculent.
2. Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington.
3. The slightly calloused bit of skin on the tip of one’s elbow.
4. Schrecklich.
5. Bougainvillea.
1. Vomitous – though a quick google revealed this apparently is a real world. And it’s amazing how many death/grind/thrash metal bands exist with the word ‘vomitous’ in their name. ‘Vomitous Rectum’, for example. ‘Festering Vomitous Mess’ is another. Charming stuff.
2. Rooty Hill. Yorkey’s Knob is another good one. Gotta love Australia.
3. When creepy old men stand right behind you in the checkout line and breathe on your neck. Oh wait – that’s called assault.
4. Reconniasance
5. Reconiassance
1. Yoinks
2. “Pippa Passes”, Kentucky or “Truth or Consequence”, New Mexico or Cricket St. Thomas (near Chard)
3. The ‘can’t find keys & suddenly need a piss’ dance
4. Blewog or Mwnci
5. Accommodation
1. Spartanic
2. Knob Creek
3. the reasonable bits of political correctness, for when humanm respect or not being a twat won’t quite cut it
4. Achtung
5. Tuesday caused me immense difficulties once…
1. Swedgelent. I use it a lot. Its kind of a hybrid of ‘swell’ and ‘excellent’. And, erm, ‘edge’. But it feels nice to say.
2. Low Cocklaw.
3. When you do a poo and don’t have to flush – whatever trajectory it comes out at sends it right around the u-bend. As if to say “no, don’t worry – I’ll let myself out.”
4. Ptaki. Polish for birds. I don’t know how to pronounce it, but it was used in probably the greatest film poster ever.
5. When typing there’s a few really simple words that always come out wrong – whatever the specific combination of letters always comes out slightly skewed. Like “just” – it always gets typed as “jsut”. Always. I even did it there and had to correct it.
3. When you do a poo and don’t have to flush – whatever trajectory it comes out at sends it right around the u-bend. As if to say “no, don’t worry – I’ll let myself out.” — that’s what they refer to in the business as a ‘Smartarse‘
1. Blinglish – clearly waiting to be adopted as the correct term for Yout’ speak.
2. Nether Wallop
3. The phenomenon of holding a bunch of keys and being able to see every single key on the bunch except the one you need, which has clearly disappeared.
4. ouvre
5. Onomatopoeia
1. cuntastic
2. Ulghan (pronouced uffham) or Cambois (pronouced Camis)
3. on from Bart’s….when you have a shite and when you wipe you arse it is already clean.
4. Malaka (Greek for wanker)
5. all of them
anyway i think i have a new fave band
Tom,
I recently discovered that your number three is called “angel poo”.
Would you like to tell us who your new favorite band is?
1.Pollatic – almost an accepted word now, if you are ever pissed in Teesside that’s how to describe yourself.
2.Leatherhead – plasticfingers would have been better though
3. there should be a soundcheck word, 1,2,1,2,1,2 has been done to death.
4.Pamplona – its a noun but hey, I like the way it could be almost anything. type of sandwich, boots, food (with fries). It works in my head
5. liaise…..waste of an i
The Low Anthem
1.Computerly – its like digitally but for twits.
2.Auchtermuchty
3.the part between the anus and scrotum – it may have a name, but i think it should be called scranus.
4. bof
5. i’m not so bad with spelling but still can’t get to grips with affect and effect.
1. Bamjam (as an insult)
2. Boysack
3. The act of turning over the pillow so you can rest your head on the cold bit
4. Webbos
5. Most words, especially stationary (e for envelope)
Hi Euan,
That bit is called the gooch
really? it has a name? do you not think scranus is better?
nope – you are right. just googled it and it says “the part that attaches ones sack to ones ss hole”
I do like the sound of scranus, I think the line “I’m just scratching my scranus” has a certain ring
i think you’ll find it is called perineum
Perineum sounds more like a pretty flower.
“I’m just off to water my perineums…” etc etc
it’s called the gooch according to google. it may have a medical name but medical names suck.
1. Oosh – I use it and am mocked for it.
2. Killicrankie (or Forfar, Dylan thinks it’s afar)
3. I have words for all my body parts, I think…
4. Entschuldigung
5. Queries – I put the ‘i’ in the wrong place all the time.
and “give in to trouble” shonagh – if we’re going to discuss grammar that is! ;o)
don’t look up perineum on wikipedia if you’re at work and your boss is within eyeline of your computer screen.
That sounds terrible Bart, I would have tried to make a stupid excuse like “erm, just a wee medical problem”.
try fluffer
is that not a girl who gives blowjobs to porn stars to keep them hard between takes?!
i wouldn’t know such things euan
Craptastic! or Craptacular! either one will do, the sarcastic simply does not have an adequate vocabulary.
Any word in Scottish or Welsh, honestly, but my fave, found on our travels was Girlsta
Bart, it’s also called “taint” as in itain’t neither the balls nor the ass, but my necessary word has to be what a dog does when it goes to vomit but nothing comes out, no… not dry heaves, that only happens after you’ve been heaving for a long while. Dog’s do a special thing all of their own.
Well dangnit, someone stole Pamplemousse which is my all time fave. So I’ll go with decolletage
Necessairly, english is a stupid fucking language.
DC why do you need keys to pee? Such odd customs over in Wales.
Bart, you could say it was for your pregnant gf… think about that one a bit.
I’ve never heard of Girlsta so i googled it and it is in Shetland! It is an lesser populated area of Shetland going by the photos, but it has its own dating site! Aw sweet!
And i still stand by ‘giving into trouble’ You won’t make me accept its nonsensical grammar
in Northumberland we say ‘did you get giving wrong?’
I like that – it makes less sense than the Forfar version!
of course it should be ‘given wrong’
Still…
i know…..what does wrong look like after you’re given it? was a question i got asked a lot
is that not a girl who gives blowjobs to porn stars to keep them hard between takes?!
Surely that should be ‘between gives’.
it definitely is. imagine telling people that was your job. you might as well play for newcastle united….
funny fucker
you certainly wouldn’t go to your school reunion
There’s a movie called ‘The Fluffer’ and the tag line is – ‘love is hard’ I only know this via the power of google
My school reunion is tomorrow. I’m not going.
if you only knew love via the power of google then indeed love would be hard
what do you do for a living? I fluff. nice.
I worked on a pitch for a series of Channel 4 ‘Three Minute Wonders’ once, the things on after the 7pm news, which was an A-Z of alternative careers, and ‘Fluffer’ was in there.
I imagine it would be an interesting topic for a channel 5 documentary perhaps presented by Louis Theroux.
3 minute wonders. haha
1. I’ve been known to use the word munting in casual conversation. Trust me, I thought I’d made it up, and I didn’t realise it already had a meaning, or the meaning it was that.
2. Huish Episcopi
3. The taste of burnt toast
4. Cojones
5. Inappropriate
Why is there a word for that, and not one for burnt toast – is that such a common occurence that there had to be a term for it?!?! I wish i had never clicked the link
when i clicked the link the council told me it was an inappropriate website. that happens a lot on this site when links are posted.
Sounds like dialogue from a gay porn film.
Dylan, that is truly revolting. I shall never ever call an unattractive person a munter, never.
Or at least, so I am led to understand.
Euan, count yourself lucky that you are protected by the council!
Right, couple of things:
It’s called the perineum, Gooch played cricket for Essex and England during the 1980s.
Shonagh, I thought you actually had names for your body parts, not just words. “The one on the left is called Tallulah, and the one on the right is Field Marshal Erwin Rommel”.
I don’t think fluffers actually perform fellatio on porn actors between takes, I thought they just helped them along with a little manual stimulation.
i’m still gagging…….
I read “mental stimulation” instead of “manual stimulation”. Thought they might of got them to do a crossword or something
god help me why did I click on the adjective link.
That’s it I’m joining the council websites from now on.
1. Ive always liked the word chankin.
2. Wet Beaver Creek. Theres also a place in Orkney called Twatt.
3. What saliva becomes when its dried up and stuff to your face in the morning.
4. Baling. This is a Philippino word that describes the action of a woman who, when she wants to marry a man, goes to his house and refuses to leave until marriage is agreed upon.
5. Always had trouble with which thier/there/theyre to use in which situation. but thats bad grammer i guess not bad spelling. can never spell gaurdian for some reason.
i meant to say stuck to your face not stuff. that doesnt make any sense.
1. Chuntering. You know, as when someone is just pottering about and muttering away to themselves unconsciously. They are chuntering away to themselves.
2. Aussies win this one, I think. I once met a (very attractive) girl from Wogga-Wogga or something like that. I burst out laughing. And didn’t get laid.
3. That glazed over look you get when are trapped with a service professional who won’t stop fucking talking. Usually taxi drivers or hairdressers, but in American it’s often fucking waiters. If one ever sits down at my table again they are getting fucking glassed.
4. Peinlich. It’s a unique combination of painful and cringeworthy which doesn’t quite translate into English for reasons so subtle I can’t quite explain them.
5. I write @homtail.com all the fucking time.
love it when somebody crosses a boundary. tut tut dylan. tut tut.
Anyway, THE VAN, people!
Hogemame! Yay!
I don’t think fluffers actually perform fellatio on porn actors between takes, I thought they just helped them along with a little manual stimulation. — Professional Wankers, you mean, Mr Dyran.
Perhaps just a little bit of well-judged tickling.
no no no. they suck cock. end of.
The van is fucking amazing, you surely have become the A-team of music.
matthew would be face.
To really nail that A-Team look, I think you should consider adding the nifty spoiler.
Matthew would be Murdock.
That picture is still a Photoshop mockup, but I think we should be able to get pretty close.
Is Mrs. Toad Hannibal, then?
1) Slaptastic!
2) Wonderland, Massachusetts. And it’s not wonderful. Not at all. In so many ways not.
3) We need a shrug. Like the French Boff. But with a ‘I’m going to keep disregarding you because it’s hard to imagine anything you say being of any interest, or relevance. Sort of like that pfeuw sound they make.
4) Peinlich. I think SBT has been over this before. Cringworthy, emarassing, pathetic, contemptuous. All in one fantastic word. Get in Germany. Not that it makes up for Hasselhoff you understand.
5) Does. Really. Fucked with my dyslexia something fierce. Not that most words didn’t but that one repeatedly tripped me up. Peinlich really.
I want a word for the shrug. I want to make it the official Song, by Toad facial expression. Maybe we could accord it some sort of Grand Order of the Toad or something.
the GOTT?
I did notice that there’s a wee bit of vinyl on the van, give me a shout and I’ll do that for you if you like.
Euan, I’m with ya on that.
DC, the need for keys? Enquiring minds still wanting here.
I’ll never forgive you all for that munting link. Never.
The van is gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!! xoxoxo
What, the vinyl graphics?
Sorry, that was for Dav.
Cheers, Tarticles. I’m thinking maybe a slightly more neon green for the top bit.
Yeah, I work for a printer and we do a fair bit of vinyl so if you need some done then I’d be happy to help (unless you want a full wrap, the chances of getting that past my boss then actually making a decent fucking job of it are pretty much nil).
Don’t ever go to the website http://www.homtail.com by mistake when you’re at work and your boss is within eyeline of your computer screen.
‘homtail’ is not a free e-mail service.
I think I’d want some relatively low key stuff – maybe the URL and my avatar image – on both passenger and driver doors, then a big version of the avatar on the rear spare tyre thingy. Sound feasible?
Very, just noise me up with some files when they’re ready all this could be yours for the measly price of a pint.
“‘homtail’ is not a free e-mail service.”
I was expecting something rather more involved with gentlemanly bottom-sex there – ‘hom’ as in homo, ‘tail’ as in.. well, you get the point. So actually I thought it was quite tame.
“Very, just noise me up with some files when they’re ready all this could be yours for the measly price of a pint.”
..and a favourable write up of the Trampoline gig
dav are you bribing people with free prints for good reviews again? what have i told you about that!
Christ, I hope the gig doesn’t depend on my vinyl skills (feeling nervous about your van yet!)
Michael, once again you have missed the point entirely! See you at the waverly about 1pm tomorrow fuzzy face?
okay. are we using this site to make casual arrangements now?
FACEBOOK!
You can’t go calling people “fuzzy face” around here and then invite them for a pint.
Dozens of people will show up..
You know Toad’s a cheeky bugger asking for all this work. I asked him to design a logo/header for Red Cottage Audio about six months ago. Dav, if you wouldn’t mind with holding vinyl work until Mr. Toad has completed his own commitments I would be very grateful
I am also supposed to be designing http://www.muruch.com, and slowly starting to hate myself for not finding the time to do it yet.
That’s alright. I won’t start hating you for at least another 3 weeks.
tart – the cock sucking or matthew as face?
tomorrow – so who are all going tomorrow then?
Tart,
You don’t need keys to piss, but they sometimes play an integral part in the rapid, psychologically induced build up of dam pressure & tension — notably when you’re locked out & can’t find your house keys quick enough.
It is an agreed medical fact that men suffer far greater than womankind when it comes to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, wanting to evacuate a piss when situated nowhere near a suitable receptacle (&, no, Cardiff Queen Street is not such a receptacle, despite what the boys from the Valleys would have you believe come any Saturday night).
This sudden, violent escalation of bladder pressure commonly occurs when you are trying to find a parking space, stuck in a queue for a gig, or laden with bags of shopping, just as you arrive at your front door & inexpeicably can’t remember which pocket (or bag) you’ve stashed the house keys in.
That’s when the piss dance starts, & it is ultimately far more excruciating for the gentleman of the species, because we have to hold a portion of said evauation outside the body as well as in…
Women have it easy – all they have to do is switch to headache mode & they automatically hermetically seal shut.
I hope that assists your understanding. A word to describe that farce would be most welcome.
I’ll never forgive you all for that munting link. Never. I suppose, Tart, that’s as close as a bloke is ever likely to get to experiencing what it must be like being a lezza.
Cheers, DC… I am constantly amazed at your technical abilities to really crawl, belly down, inside the female mind. Indeed, we possess that mental “headache” switch, however do you know that so intimately??
And never would I have guessed you to be such a gentleman as to not simply paint the shrubbery. I must say, my impression of the Welsh has to be askew on the matter of personal hygiene!
I vote we call that “farce” a bit of the “Iris Jig” for you taught me that one last week, ha!
xoxo
you’ve lost me on the munting/lezza connection, i’m so dense sometimes…
euan, cocksucking, I’m always on board for the cocksucking, darling.
I have no idea what “matthew as face” even means.
and no, no alcohol imbibed here at all, just stupidity/exhaustion as I’ve been slaving over my new blog for days and days.
Indeed, we possess that mental “headache” switch, however do you know that so intimately??
I read Jane Austen in school & learnt all I need to know.
I’ve been slaving over my new blog for days and days.
My tenure as a CPU monkey is now, thank fuck, at an end, but that was replaced by 3 painstaking days of setting up the audio recording/mixing desk/levels & balance on the new computer.
This weekend I have 3 gigs to attend, + another one Monday, so sleep is just going to have to kick & scream & paddy dance in the corner until I can lavish it with attention.
1. Scramish
2. Freuchie
3. A word that’s less crass than “great shag, cheers” and less committal than “i love you, hold me forever” for post-coitus.
4. Plouf (french onamatapaia for splash – works much better)
5. Onamatapaeia
I also struggle to spell dislexeia – imagine what a cunt that word must be for those who have it.
Triple Post Madness from Tart!
Ooh-ooh! Do I get points or something for spotting it?
not my fault dylan, I was goaded. but would you need your pillows fluffed?
Those aren’t pillows!
Wagga-Wagga. It’s in New South Wales.
Ricockulous – from the series ‘Huff’
Whoop-de-shit – epithet favored by one of my middle school mates. It means ‘big deal’ as in whoop-de-doo
Hobosexual – the opposite of metrosexual. Someone who doesn’t care for their appearance. Famous examples include Allen Ginsberg – and of course, lots of straight contemporary hippies.