The Way to a Man’s Heart…
Apparently, according to my little book of annoyingly folksy cliches, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s only half-right, I think. Surely the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach – or at least, it should be.
Mrs. Toad and I are both totally disasters, in terms of domesticity, but we both love to cook. In fact, I remember one of the best things my Mum ever did for me and my little brother as kids, and that was make damn sure we knew how to cook before we left the house. If you want to pull – either sex – cook for them. It’ll tell you a lot. As my Mum (she’s a smutty old bag, really she is) always said: cooking and eating are very important because they involve all the senses, and the only other thing which really does that is sex, so if someone can’t enjoy one then what are the odds that they’re going to be any good at the other?
It’s such a great pulling tool, it really is, if I could recommend any young man or woman learn any one skill (apart from becoming a black belt in oral sex of course) then it would be excellent culinary skills. Particularly if you can make it seem effortless and do not turn into the gastronomic version of a wine snob. In fact, best just not use the word gastronomy at all, really, it’s probably a step too far for any right-thinking person.
In a less vulgar sense, of course, it’s a good test of personality. Anyone who picks their way through things and won’t eat this and won’t eat that is surely not worth bothering with. I am not talking about shunning people with potentially fatal food allergies (but real ones, not imagined ones, please) but people who are picky eaters are to be avoided. Why, let’s face it, would you fucking bother.
As for anyone who ruins meals by obsessively watches their weight, well, we don’t even need to discuss that, do we. Flush them down the toilet with the semi-digested remains of their last meal. Obsessive gym bunnies (male and female), manorexics (what?) or anyone so obsessed with their appearance that they don’t know how to just fucking relax and indulge a bit… well, fuck ’em, frankly. Or, more literally, don’t.
And as for people who have their steaks or their tuna cooked any more than medium rare (and even that’s going a bit far)…
The Divine Comedy – Seafood Song
James Yorkston – Midnight Feast