Feasting For Five Fridays
Oh Christ I’m fucking tired. The videos from the Broken Records gig at the Bedlam Theatre ended up just kind of hijacking my attention and I couldn’t bring myself to stop tinkering until some time around four o’clock this morning. Consequently wit and entertainment will be in very short supply indeed on Toad today, and if you want to be entertained then you will have to do so yourselves. I will try my best to be funny, but the chances of it working would appear to be slim, to say the least.
We got onto the topic of food snobbery a little while back, so this is what I would like to make the subject of this week’s five – except backwards. None of your shaved truffles marinaded in larks’ tears this time, me hearties. It’s all about the shite. Yup, junk food, shit food, dismal food, boring food, all to be celebrated and enjoyed and written down in lists. Because for all I can certainly come across as a food snob, in many ways quite rightly, I am also as prone as everyone else to hangover munchies where pretty much anything goes, and sitting around the house watching movies eating a bizarre assortment of supermarket oddities simply because they all for various reasons struck my fancy at the time.
Last week’s five was a superlative success, with all sorts of black belt de-lurking going on and lots of new victims people joining in the fun, so lets see more of that please, that was splendid. And as soon as I get a picture of a mouse foetus brain spoon there will be a new t-shirt available, that I promise!
1. Most bizarre hangover item/combo you’ve ever enjoyed.
2. Favourite pickled thing (‘me’ – ha ha, yes, very funny).
3. Nastiest junk food for which you just fucking love anyway.
4. Oddest junk food you’ve spotted in exotic parts.
5. Really bland, unimaginative meal you find kind of satisfying.
Sparklehorse – Little Fat Baby
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James Yorkston – Midnight Feast
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Rich Amino – Chicken ‘n’ Chips
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1. Fruit yoghurt, a jar of pickled gherkins and a tin of sardines. Oddly, it’s not even a rare combination, either.
2. Mmm, pickled thing… has to be onions. Big fat ones with paint-strippingly strong vinegar. Yummmm!
3. That chicken you get in Febo in Holland. It’s a bit like KFC, except its been under a heat lamp so long you can actually eat most of the bones.
4. My brother and I had some fishy chew in Malaysia once. Some sort of fish-related substance coated in some sort of sticky, sweet industrial adhesive material. It was, it must be said, foul.
5. Do standard prawn cocktails count? The ones with the little watery, flavourless prawns, iceberg lettuce, which tastes of nothing, and avocado which just isn’t quite ripe yet. And too much ketchup in the Marie Rose sauce making it unpleasantly sweet. This has been polluting the nation’s menus for years, it never gets any better, and I never quite lose my sneaking enjoyment of it.
1. not really weird, but a cup of tea, a bag of ready salted crisps and a couple of paracetamol always works wonders for me.
2. when I’m drunk my favourite pickled things are egg, which reminds me of the 24th June 2004. This is a important date on 2 counts, the first, this was the date that i saw Bob Dylan at the Glasgow Barrowlands (amazing!!!), it is also the date that England got knocked out of the Euro 2004 Championships. I can see you all scratching your heads going what the bloody hell is Tom going on about, well i’ll tell you. After the gig whilst walking back to the pub we passed a chip shop (under the bridge on the Gallowgate Road, and fucking awful)however, they had the football on, and by this time of night the game had moved onto the penalty shootout, the chippy was packed, all shouting for the other team, someone in my company happened to mention in a loud voice that i was English, which is always a good thing to do in these situations, and quick enough i had a couple dozen scots screaming and shouting at me….oh the joy….i just turn to the lady behind the counter and went can i have 2 pickled eggs pleased……
3. always steak pie supper!!!
4. dim sum, all over the place in Melbourne. Greasy and horrible
5. Scrambled eggs with baked beans on toast.
1. Chinese chow mein omelette. If you’ve had a chinese takeaway the night before to complement your excessive drinking, and have some noodles left over the following morning, warm them up and fold them into the middle of an omelette. A particularly good alternative can be made with Singapore-style Mee Goreng.
2. Rollmops
3. Ikea hot dogs
4. Ikea hot dogs
5. I really, really love a nice juicy gammon steak, topped with a fried egg, with chips and a big blob of Colman’s English.
1. Ice cream. Preferably chunky choc ice.
2. I honestly can’t think of anything pickled that I like. But I don’t regard that as a failing on my part.
3. Greggs. Cheese Savoury big softie. I always get it on brown bread, because in my head that somehow cancels out the ridiculous amount of fat contained within it.
4. My swedish friend, whenever he visited home, would always come back with weird Swedish candy. Like salty liqourice. That’s right – strips of liquorice, coated in salt. There’s also an extra spicy variety, which is a bit like trying to chew burning sulpher. Literally the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.
5. Cheesey Beano.
1. Before I quit drinking two years ago, diet coke and orange juice provides an excellent kick of caffeine and vitamin C. Actually I still drink it now.
2. Don’t really do pickled things…though I like chargrilled artichokes – does this count?
3. Chips and cheese, last had at the Hibs game two weeks ago
4. Ate kentucky fried chicken in China. This is why I am vegetarian. Oh, and there’s a restuarant called McDavids in Israel.
5. Cheese on toast.
Bart you liked my chutney tho?
2. Tom’s Chutney.
1. Usually just unholy amounts of carbohydrates, although I seem to remember one bloody mary / leftover profiterole combination that worked much better than it strictly should have.
2. GHERKINS! Love ‘em. Specially the tiny wee cornichon affairs – I can eat those by the jar.
3. Cheap bacon ‘corn snax’. Got to be cheap and nasty – Bobby’s or similar. I also have a fondness for cheesy poofs (a la wotsits), although I sneak a little more upmarket there by claiming M&S as the best brand.
4. I still can’t get past aerosol cheese. I’ve never dared to try it, but it sounds like a total abomination. And not sure if they strictly count as ‘junk’, but if anyone’s ever eaten goose barnacles in a Spanish tapas bar – um, did they remind you of anything in particular, shapewise?
5. Cold rice pudding, straight from the can.
Good call on the rich amino track, and I will never again be able to listen to Alsation Gull Scene without hearing the alternative version in my head.
Oh yes!
If you’re looking for straight-from-the-can cuisine, then cold ravioli – more appropriately given its less poncey name of meat in teabags – is also a winner.
Avoid the Branston brand though, the juice is too watery and sweet. Branston baked beans beat Heinz hands down, but Branston meat in teabags doesn’t follow the same logic, regrettably.
It seems we’ve inadvertently stumbled onto Dylan’s area of expertise.
I have lost my camera in moving house! But I will attempt to do some clever camera phone/email combo this afternoon for the mouse foetus brain spoon!
I am a total rubbish at life, sorry.
whos going to tell Becky the RULES on a friday!!!!
GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!
And Bart…even worse…the Swedes roll their ice cream in that stuff. Sick and wrong.
Yeah. Weirdos.
So you’ve misplaced your camera, but know exactly where the mouse foetus brain is?
Well, Matthew did address Becky directly (ish) in the main body of the post, so we can allow her a little leeway.
Nevertheless, Becky, there is a rule that you should really submit your Friday Five before making other comments on a Friday FIve thread.
You can usually make up for it by getting your Five down as quickly as possible.
Bit of an over reaction from Chutters though.
Honestly man, Becky’s new, be nice!
Oh Becky, for shame. Had you not contributed the dazzling excellence of the mouse foetus brain spoon there would be serious consequences now. Serious ones.
However you are new and appear to be excellent, so we don’t mind.
I managed to put my Friday Fives up first last week and still comment three times before they appeared. Confused? So was I.
Get them up, though.
Yeah but last week you were actually travelling through time while posting on the thread.
Deliberately, just to confuse people.
Becky seems lovely.
I can just imagine the curious looks from her neighbours as she carried various boxes into her flat marked ‘cutlery/animal foetuses’.
1. Lucozade, gherkins and fresh air. Generally something cold, somthing sharp and a walk do it for me.
2. It’s probably gherkins although a slice of pressed ham hough and a big mound of homemade piccalilli is possibly the nicest thing I’ve had whilst eating out in the last year or so.
3. Although I only eat one of them about one a decade I quite often get a craving for chip shop battered burgers – in fact I think I probably have only had about half a dozen ever and they’re not at all good things but they’re obviously not quite bad enough to stop me forgetting.
4. A faroese friend at university made me try some of his dried whale meat one time, which he insisted was simply a perfect and portable snack. It was strangely unpleasant.
5. I sometimes think I could live of pasta/pesto or rice with a few herbs and spices in it.
Also somebody should really have linked to this marvelous place already.
Okay okay…I stand fairly admonished
1. Chocolate fingers dipped in Marmite
2. Beetroot every time
3. Cocktail sausages. Once I’ve seen a cocktail sausage…it may as well be the end for me. How on earth do you say no to their offaly goodness?
4. The way the Americans manage to turn the loveliness of crisp salads into oil and cream filled junk food nightmares.
5. I taught myself to eat rice cakes when I was marathon training. Now I just can’t stop coming back for the tasty tasty polystyrene.
And now that’s out of the way, if one follows this wonderfully non html ed link below, there is a slighty low quality camera phone photo of the item you’ve all been waiting for. Hideous disappointment awaits!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/faintgirl/sets/72157616298722146/
Oh, you don’t even need html! Legend.
It is, as one would expect, extremely small.
HAHA! BRILLIANT!
It’s a tiny, tiny spoon!
I want one, it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen! I could eat boiled egss with it!
re the foetus thing…..i don’t get it
There’s feastful of funky food tunes
here..
And the original version of Popcorn by Gershon Kingsley here..
Becky, would you like to remind Planet Mondo of the Friday Five rules?
oh i get it now…..thats a real spoon?
well not spoon but an implement to use on mice….to scoop their brains out of the skull?
Why?
It is a real spoon. As Matthew has commented, a very small one.
Because they’re tasty.
On the question of scooping the brains from the skull, the spoon actually looks more like a sundae spoon, with it’s long slender shaft sweeping to the elegant, narrow bowl.
I suspect this is to allow you to enjoy smaller, tantalising slivers of the wonderful soft mouse foetus brain fresh.
There’s probably another device closer in appearance and funtion to an ice-cream scoop, used for scooping the brains from the skull and serving it in conveneint ‘balls’ as part of a larger dessert.
fucking hell……i think i might just bring my boots meal deal back up
Mouse brains on toast?MMMMMM
1. Cans of coke, many thereof, potatoes and mattesons pork sausage (for an extra treat, the garlic one). Fry tatties and sliced sausage. Eat. Drink cans coke. Go back to bed.
2. Eggs though cabbage (sauerkraut) is high on this. And thats even GOOD for you.
3. Smoked sausage supperr with the Edinburgh staple of SaltnSauce.
4. Never tried but heard of : Ducks eggs with an embro inside. Knock the top off and slurp/crunch that raw embryonic goodness. Cambodia allegedly.
5. Plain white rice with lime pickle or garlic pickle stirred into it.
Dylan, you couldn’t eat eggs with that spoon dear, you would be there all day!
1. I share Adam’s, Lucozade and walking about, the a nap and maybe some Wotsits
2. Any vegetable tastes about 100% better pickled, onions being the best. but not eggs, never eggs!!
3. i feel dirty just saying it, Big Mac – sorry
4. Not sure of this one, could have been eating a a carte for all i know…
5. Mac and cheese, i love it. with toast and brown sauce!
M & I have to stay in a fucking country house hotel this weekend. I’m going to scandalise them by ordering some plebian food.
Yes, I would be there all day, but what a day!
what kind of spoon would you use on a munter’s partner?
1. Not really bizarre, but I used to eat Tip Tops (or Mr. Freezes, depending on where you’re from) when I had a hangover – the combination of E numbers, sugar, water & ice cold lolly-ness seemed to do the trick
2. I actually like Silverskin Onions, but have been getting into pickled peppers & chillies
3. Burger King Spicy Bean Burgers & fries & thick chocolate milkshake – they always give me heartburn & you’re guaranteed the shits, but I tend to find myself eating one if I’m in the vicinity after a night on the lash
4. I’ve thought hard & can’t think of anything anywhere, sorry.
5. Those 25p pack of ‘chinese’ noodles + sachets of flavour dust that you can cook by adding boiling water to & letting sit in a bowl with a plate covering it for 5 mins.
1) Ranchos Burrito. Hot sauce, spicy sausage, cheese, re-fried beans and potatoes in a pancake. Genius! In fact I just finished one and it has given me the power I need to wake up and finish my Friday five.
2) Classic. Conrichon. Next to an olive.
3) Wendys. They make the best crap burgers. And the meat is in a square just in case people think it is at all natural.
4) I have to say Mr. Pizza in Korea. Not for any other reason than their slogan ‘Mr Pizza – Love for Women’. No idea why. Guava Fanta was a bit of a surprise too.
5) Salami sandwhich with pickle. Meatloaf and gravey with mash.
mmm lollies. the best ones are the multicoloured rowntrees ones though I have a soft spot for a Zoom.
Guava fanta? is that a fizzy bird shit drink?
1. Gatorade (the American cousin of Lucozade) and a plain bagel.
2. Spicy green beans are nice, although you can’t beat the old standby of dill-pickled cucumbers.
3. Anything from Taco Bell makes me feel ashamed of myself. Fast food in general always leaves me depressed.
4. My friend’s Dutch roommate eats white chocolate flakes on plain, untoasted white bread. I don’t really understand what’s going on there, but it disturbs me.
5. Turkey and Swiss on wheat with a bit of mustard.
Dianna – your No 5 sounds like a plan for the USA to start chemical war on 2 European country’s
http://www.flickr.com/photos/twhume/3407112348/
Bored people do some wonderful things.
Dutch people also eat an abomination called Sukkerbrot which is sweet bread with sugar lumps baked into it. They then put chocolate sprinkles on it (Hagelslag I think, pronounced Hacchchhelslaccch).
Thats fucking weird. And they eat cold custard for breakfast too.
And somehow its the Scots that are the unhealthiest in europe.
i think we get Gatorade here, it’s a weird colour though, i’d rather stick to Lucozade, it’s organic i hear…
Dammit! The NSA is going to be on my ass for releasing that piece of information
I never really understood why the Swedes weren’t all a mile wide. Veg is so much fresher, cheaper, and easy to obtain here, and virtually everything affordable over there comes in packets of dried stuff or the freezer. It must be the genes.
Straight from the tin?!!
I’m imitating the ‘happy picture’ as I post this.
1. A fry up with fishfingers
2. Beetroot, the whole ones
3. The saveloy, with a big blob of tomato sauce
4. King rib supper in Edinburgh, come to think of it most of the chippy menu in Edinburgh, and the fact they sell cat food too. Down in Essex the fish and chip shops are a bit inimaginative and only sell standard items, fish and chips, and maybe a pie or two
5. Mashed potato and mayo
Sav-roy. Hoh-roh rin. Soh foh waitin.
nummerfiftynooooin???
WTF people
Hang on,
But you haven’t got a cat!
not technically no, but I’d never been in a chippy that sold pet food, or individual sachets of nutella come to think of it
Yeah, the original orange Gatorade flavor that you have over there isn’t very good.
Did they have other kinds of pet food, or just cat? I don’t know if I can get behind this concept.
they sell tea bags also….and homemade chippysauce
I believe so, certainly dog and cat food, haven’t spotted bird food yet
why would you want to spot bird food? would that not make it hard to find?
They do sell dog food in the chippies here.
They serve it battered and fried and call it “King Rib”.
interesting point, I wouldn’t necessarily want to spot it, I just personally havent yet. I do think if you’re going to sell pet food, then you should sell a variety wholeheartedly.
I had a bottle of chippy sauce, but it seperated. The sauce that is, not the bottle. So probably best to leave that one on the shelf.
Okay, quick ming-stop needed at this point.
So far, the five most minging things mentioned have been, in order:
1. Beetroot
2. Liquorice (Plain, salted or spiced)
3. Gatorade (Any colour)
4. Munting
5. Wotsits
i love beetroot and Liquorice….not together mind
We once ate some fresh beetroot and the next day Toad was dead worried because he had “blood in his wee”. He actually phoned NHS direct before it clicked.
shut up!!!!
That’s so funny, because I’ve done that too.
You only say that because you’ve never enjoyed the wonder that is Strawberry Gatorade.
I really hope that’s the order in which they appeared, and not level of minging-ness.
There is not a darn thing wrong with Wotsits, the way they stick to your teeth is just genius! and we have had the beetroot argument too many times now!
No, it’s order of minging-ness.
Hot beetroot, mmmmm, with wotsits.
Wow.
Yeah and you’ve been wrong every time!
Is Strawberry Gatorade the blue one?
have you ever muntered Dylan?
It would be the pink one. The blue kind is something made up, like Mountain Stream or Extreme Electric Tsunami
Hey! Is that a whole new variety of TPM?
When three people post at exactly the same time?!..
Wotsits are things of beauty. The way they stain your fingers bright orange is fantastic.
My other half’s Sunday breakfasts consist of bacon and egg rolls, cold milk, coffee, a packet of Quavers, a packet of Wotsits. Always in that order. He tantrums if the crisps get forgotten on the bleary-eyed trip to the shop for the papers and rolls.
No-one’s ever munted me, Tom.
And if it does ever happen, I won’t be in a position to give a rat’s arse.
tho a rat may be up yours, tho you could be the practitioner rather that the object
so how do you know it is worse than Gatorade but better that Wotsits
Coriander – reminds me of Mrs. Toad. I never remember everything she demands and there’s always fucking tears.
I’m off to Scotmid for wotsits, beetroot and some cat food from the chippy.
It’s in the order of how much they turn my stomach.
Can we just stop?! It was joke! Okay?!
Of course I don’t really think Munting is more appealing than Gator-fucking-ade!
It was just a joke – and you’re all ruining it!!
I’ve just googled Munting, and frankly I’m horrified
Success! Another joke ruined by over-analyzation.
Sunday mornings are never the best time to make mistakes over shopping lists, are they? I find that taunts of “autism boy” for his inability to break with his Sunday morning routine don’t go down that well, either.
takes you around 4 weeks to get used to Rhian….your brother started it all just so you know
Dirty boy!!!!
Christ, you go away for a second and you’re all back on the munting! What is it with the munting, you sick puppies?!
I’m vastly disappointed
you get used to that also
What the hell are you linking to on your screen-name, Chutters, you weirdo?!
well on this computer it’s Arts and Letters Daily….a rocking ole site….maybe a bit high-brow for you pal…..
I thought I’d gone back in time.
how?
1. Polish sausage and egg soup, served up with vodka and gherkins in a weird alcoholic’s flat in a council estate on the outskirts of Krakow. It hit the spot.
2. The aforementioned gherkins.
3. Greggs’ bridies. Warning: product may contain meat, if you’re lucky.
4. I’m drawing a total blank here.
5. Cumberland sausage and mash, washed down with a pint of Guinness on a wintry Sunday afternoon. Not just kind of satisfying, supremely so.
Polish sausage and egg soup, served up with vodka and gherkins
That sounds fucking magic.
4. Admittedly not junk food, but I ate a small piece of horse in Italy last week.
Why would anyone make a Jade Goody statue, let alone put it out in public?
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/thomas-sutcliffe/tom-sutcliffe-a-statue-to-jade-isnt-a-bad-idea-1660599.html
Shergar, Dobbin, Black Beauty?
Martin, how could you?
Mr Ed, Martin?
Dianna that’s just fucking silly. I checked the date on the article and, no, it was the 3rd. Unbe-fucking-lievable.
He’s nearly swung me around to the argument with the last paragraph in that Jade Goody Statue article.
But, no, it’s a fucking ridiculous idea.
chris
It’s fucking stupid. She’d be more use if you minced her fucking carcass up and sold her to the nearest kebab shop.
Or turned the fat heifer into fucking dog food or something, but a statue is just fucking ridiculous.
One day, a thread will not turn to Jade Goody.
And there shall be much rejoicing and praise on high.
Now now, she is the Queen of Our Hearts. In heaven with the fairies like the dear old queen mum gawd bless her.
She led, as a Now magazine photo slide show just informed me, an Extraordinary Life.
Matthew, funny you should mention kebabs, because “Jade later asks what asparagus is and calls her private parts her ‘kebab’.”
Why am I looking at Now? I think my IQ just dropped.
Apparently Maxim magazine has had to drop its paper issue and go online only. Now, am I alone in thinking that Maxim, in its glossy quasi porn paper incarnation probably isn’t going to attract many online readers when proper porno is freely and widely available? Chaps?
1. The garbage plate at JJ’s.
2. we infuse vodka with pounds of fruit in a jar, about halfway through the fruit has just right amount of booze in it. yummmy
3. fried snickers at the state fair.
4. mexican candies that look like bar soup coated in sea salt. (have not been brave enough to try)
5. Dry cereal. Love those nutty clusters
What was the process by which someone discovered munting? Who invents these things? “Hmm, hey mate, let’s go to the graveyard, I’ve had an idea and I think it could be quite interesting…”.
at least if Maxim goes online there will be no more of those annoying subscription cards and you can’t stick HTML pages together.
1. Not that bizarre but Lucozade and scrambled egg in a soft white roll with Lurpak butter
2. Most things pickled are lovely but mainly gherkins, beetroot and eggs
3. Oh christ. I ate one the other day thinking no one will ever know about this and now I am admitting it “worldwide”……Egg and Bacon McMuffin”…. and NO I am NOT proud
4. There is a worrying number of “German Bakeries” in south India and none of them are any good
5. Chicken breast and veg in a Aunt Bessie’s giant yorkshire pudding topped with Bisto gravy………. that’s my trip to Scummrfields sorted tomorrow!
Pxx
sorry, that should be “an Aunt Bessie’s”…. christ, that’s almost more embarrassing than the McMuffin
1. cold leftover egg roll dipped in french onion sour cream dip… was perfect
2. has to be beetroot, but we add hardboiled eggs and they turn pink thru, it’s delish! very vinegary.
3. fried onion rings. devils playthings they are!
4. dried whole teeny tiny fish, Japanese eat them by the handful with beer. they’re salted I think, couldn’t try them. at. all.
5. SOS… do you have that? shit on a shingle… chipped beef on toast… white sauce with dried beef over toasted white bread. It’s bland, bland, bland, and total comfort food… cheap too!
and honestly is there ever going to be a thread again that doesn’t feature a. munting or b. this goody woman whom i don’t have any idea about at all except from these sordid pages?
shameful
?!
What’s a munting again?
I think we should declare a moratorium on Goody and munting. They are too closely related and starting to become tedious. Let’s see if the readers of Toad have the slightest chance in hell of demonstrating some restraint, shall we.
No, thought not.
sorry to break all the rules, but as this is now last weeks thread I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss anything.
Did you see the OK magazine headline though? ‘Goodbye Britains brightest star’. Gosh I did headshaking that morning.
I had a lovely few days holiday though cheers
Brightest. Star.
*sigh*
It almost makes me nostalgic for the Diana fucking nonsense.
Mind you I said much the same sort of thing when Di turned herself into Royal Marmalade and believe me, back then, you’d have been in serious danger of a mob lynching.
In the words of Chumbawamba:
“Farewell to the media whore,
and all her pious work for the poor,
and all the faces that she wore,
goodbye to the crown.”