Song, by Toad


Five Dramatic Sea Rescues


For those of you coming along to help collect for the Lifeboats tomorrow, that you so much.  If you know where we live, then just swing by and we’ll give you a tin to shake for an hour (or more if you like) and then you can stick around for tea and cake (or beer as the hour grows later) or go about your business, as you please.  If you don’t know where to come along to, then just drop me an email and I’ll tell you.  I’m not too keen to just type our address out in the middle of teh internetz, although god knows it’s hardly a secret anyway.  Thanks so much for everyone who has agreed to help, it really is good of you.

Now, on to the more frivolous business of the day: it’s Friday and hence time to get silly.  We had our first real expedition in the mighty Toadmobile yesterday, driving through to Glasgow for the Hinterland Festival.  Honest to goodness, that van fucking rocks.  I stopped to ask a copper where the best place to park it was and he – yes, a policeman – said “This is Glasgow, mate, nowhere’s secure.”  Then we embarked on a ten minute conversation about how cool the van was, then he recommended I do a massive great illegal u-turn in the middle of the road.  Glasgow cops: tremendous value!

In honour of the Lifeboat collection effort tomorrow, I thought the five this week should have a vaguely nautical theme, so here we go.  It has become a most sociable post in the last couple of weeks, with all sorts of reckless de-lurking and far more people than the usual suspects taking part, which I think all of us appreciate, so go on, go for it.  Step out of the sordid intershadows and reveal yourselves.  Actually, that sounds more than a little wrong.  Just chip in, that’s all.  Then talk pish to your heart’s content.

1. Best name for a kind of boat.
2. What’s the most camp, being in the navy or riding a motorcycle?
3. When was the last time you actually went swimming in the sea?
4. Coolest boat-based movie.
5. Ever been on a boat journey where you feared for your life?

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – The Ship Song (Live)

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Men They Couldn’t Hang – Dover Lights

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Pogues – South Australia

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Van Dyke Parks – Greenland Whale Fisheries

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The 6ths – The Sailor in Love With the Sea

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

68 witty ripostes to Five Dramatic Sea Rescues

  1. avatar

    1. Sloop? Ketch? You choose.
    2. Oooh, close call. I think it may be motorbikes actually.
    3. Fuck, it must be years ago now. Oh, yes, Vancouver last Summer with my cousin, her lovely fella and Pansy the Boy Dog.
    4. Das Boot. Possibly the best and most emotionally devastating film ever.
    5. Apart from a fairly terrifying channel crossing in a hovercraft as a kid, Mrs. Toad and I took a boat to Ile Ste. Marie in Madagascar. The crossing was so terrifying even the guys driving the boat were shitting it. It was only then that we realised why the boats were all called Riziky Karim ‘IV’ or ‘III’ or stuff like that. Because the Riziky Karims I through III were at the bottom of the fucking ocean. Brilliant.

  2. avatar

    1. dogger – and i particularly like how after dogger in brackets it has (boat).

    2. in the navy. when was riding a motorbike ever considered camp??

    3. 2 years ago in portugal. i love swimming in the sea.

    4. death on the nile

    5. went fishing in the middle of the atlantic ocean in the tiniest boat ever. that was pretty scary. caught a lot of fish though.

  3. avatar

    1: Sloop or Skiff has always appealed, name-wise, if not in actuality; mind you, the Dutch sloep’s have wacking great motors these days, so Sloep it is.

    2: The Navy, definitely, blame the village people, although they made anything camp.

    3: hells bells, when I was pre-teen I think, despite tons of boating for a while – being a rubbish swimmer doesn’t help, all effort & no go.

    4: The African Queen (camp name too)

    5: Nope, but my crew did – 12′ thing in a force 6+ & waves err, this big! (tiny really); & then I did too a few days later, when removing the drain-bung revealed that the prior owner had repaired/modified with his own take on papier maché, presumably intended to be bonded with resin, but loadsa bits of torn-up newspaper came out, so it weren’t very effective.

    Right, that’s Sailor cued up next – see what you’ve done?.

  4. avatar

    1. Because I’m still suffering from mild Homegame withdrawal, I’m going for ‘Fifie’.
    2. Navy, definitely. Motorbikes are only camp if they’re Harley Goldwings, and accompanied by the full ‘leather queen’ outfit, including handlebar moustache.
    3. In Barra, a couple of years back. Deserted white sand beach, clear turquiose breakers, dunes and machair rising up behind. Heatwave. Ahhhh, I want to be back there now.
    4. Hmmm – the African Queen?
    5. Several, although the one that sprang to mind to mind first was just a wee ‘pleasure boat’ outing into Loch Ness when we were kids. The scene: 3 kids and mum, salty dog hiring us a wee motor boat and telling us to avoid the white bits in the middle of the loch because they were 4-foot breakers. Pootle happily out into middle of loch, while big brother tells little brother how unfeasibly deep the water is, and how there probably is a monster, but that doesn’t matter because if you fell in you’d die of cold in a couple of minutes anyway etc etc. Realise we’re drifting too close to the breakers when the engine cuts out. Realise a bit too late that none of us can row …

    Right, now that I’ve got that out of the way – Matthew, you’re damned right, that machine is the coolest thing on 4 wheels!

  5. avatar

    1. Slightly interpretive answer; but I’ve heard fishing boats referred to by the fishermen that own them as “A hole in the water, covered with wood, into which one pours an endless flow of money.”

    2. Motorcycle. All the leather and bright colours.

    3. I was going to say 2002, but then I remembered that was Lac St. Jean in Québec, which of course is a lake (the clue’s in the name), so erm.. before 2002.

    4. The second half of Jaws.

    5. I once went on a sea-fishing trip as a kid and my mum had given me a Thermos of Heinz tomato soup to take a long. It was a rough day and to my regret I discovered that Heinz tomato soup tastes the same second time around.

  6. avatar

    2.Navy – I never knew motorbikes were camp. unless theyre under 100cc and not scooters. My dad had a 99cc bike, and hes a military man, but sat on it he looked like an aunty riding a bike.
    3.Last summer in Vallauris, south of france, where picasso had a ceramics studio
    4.”The Source of Eden” by me. me and 5 friends took 2 plastic canoes down 20 miles of (very shallow) river in Fife. Called the Eden. and I filmed it. other than that the 2nd posiedon film
    5.Yes, while making the film above. despite the fact it was never deeper than 4 feet, none of us had canoed(?) before. when we dropped a camera in the river that wasnt mine i feared for my life. my dad saved my sisters friend from drowning in a dutch lake. watching was scary.

  7. avatar

    1. Pontoon boats – I like to gamble
    2. Motorcycling
    3. 2 years ago in Spain, soon to be in 3 weeks time in Turkey tho! I love the sea
    4. Jaws – the whole thing, even though it’s not really boatish
    5. On a fishing boat on a windy day at Drumnadrochit with my friend’s pissed uncle at the helm who later admitted under serious interrogation that he had never actually seen Nessie

  8. avatar

    1. no fucking idea
    2. Navy
    3. Feb 08 South Australia
    4. Currently watching The Sea Chase….it’s ok
    5. never

  9. avatar

    Shon, I think any film that inserts the phrase “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” into popular culture can be considered a boat movie!


  10. avatar

    i’m off ill and currently watching the worst advert ever….its for first personal injury….gimp tastic

  11. avatar


    This one’s for you.

  12. avatar

    1. Go Fast boat. Genius. Thank you, wikipedia.

    2. Being in the navy. Imagine riding a motorcycle whilst wearing a naval uniform. And listening to Kylie. And saying “oooh, ducks”.

    3. When I was on holiday in Barbados, some years ago.

    4. Fitzcarraldo.

    “Fitzcarraldo is an obsessed opera lover who wants to build an opera in the jungle. To accomplish this he first has to make a fortune in the rubber business, and his cunning plan involves hauling an enormous river boat across a small mountain with aid from the local Indians.”

    It’s as bonkers as that sounds.

    5. No. But I have been hungover on a particularly rough ferry crossing. It was not pleasant.

  13. avatar

    got a boat name Rockhampton!!!

    Dylan sssshhhhh

  14. avatar

    I’ve heard you can have a good time with a Galway Hooker.

  15. avatar

    1. Best boat name in French has to be the Marie Salope (= Slutty Mary?) which apparently means the flat boat where you pile up the mud you dig out of the bottom of a river.

    2. Firemen are the campest.

    3. Probably in August, which is much too long ago. I had a toe dip around Easter by the Dungeness nuclear power station in Kent though, my toe is still glowing.

    4. Some Like It Hot!!! (nobody’s perfect…)

    5. Age 13 I came very close to a tragic death – stranded on a windsurf in a jellyfish-infested sea and drifting slowly from the shore, waiting for the instructors to come rescue me with their little boat but the bastards were too busy trying to pull my hot cousin.

  16. avatar

    1. I know nothing about kinds of boats.
    2. Navy, surely.
    3. Years ago, mid-winter at Whitley Bay, it was ill advised.
    4. Thunder in Paradise.
    5. No, but like Bart I’ve been on a couple that were deeply unpleasant due to the previous night’s boozing.

  17. avatar

    Dylan – how long have you been waiting to serve Chutters a large helping of LMGTFY? Revenge: a dish best served cold. Well played, sir!

    Valentine – Some Like it Hot is brilliant, don’t you dare apologise!

    Bart – Have you actually seen Fitzcarraldo or did you just Google it? I can’t even begin to fathom (ker-CHING!) how weird a film that sounds.

  18. avatar

    Would you believe that Galway Hooker is one of the few terms you can actually do a Google image search on without finding porn on the first page? I know, me neither.

  19. avatar

    I have.

    They showed it at the Filmhouse a few years ago.

    I also have it on DVD, if you want to witness the strangeness.

  20. avatar

    like i give a shite….tomorrow you all get oinked

  21. avatar

    1. I was going to say sloop, but isn’t that a ship? If we’re talking actual boats then I’ve always had a soft spot for punts.
    2. Bikes; lots of leather just to end up as an organ donor = camp.
    3. Well being as I can see the UK’s surfing hotspot from my house I almost never actually go swimming… if it was on your doorstep could you be bothered?
    4. Any of those old-school pirate ones.
    5. Catamaraning can be pretty hairy if you’re a little kid, but the most scared I’ve ever been was when I was hit on the head by the boom and knocked overboard…

  22. avatar

    I wasn’t apologising, I was just throwing in a quote from the film to be smart!!!

  23. avatar

    Oops. Intellectual humour entirely lost around here. Even if my standard for ‘intellectual’ starts at Marilyn Monroe cross-dressing rom-coms.

  24. avatar

    1. Dragon. Yeah, that’s cool.
    2. Hmm, depends on the outfit.
    3. Last summer in Croatia.
    4. That’s a tough one. I do like Some like it Hot. I like Hook, too.
    5. Once as a kid my friends and I took a boat to an island in a lake one I tied up the boat to a tree, but the rope wasn’t actually attached to the boat, so it drifted away and our parents had to come ‘rescue’ us. Wasn’t really life threatening though.

  25. avatar

    How about a nice Tom Pudding?

  26. avatar

    1. Banana

    2. Navy. The girlfriends dad used to be in the hells angels and is the least camp man I know, I however have a nautical beard, a sou wester and am camp as christmas.

    3. Last year.

    4. Erm, probably Pirates of the Caribean. Shhh.

    5. No

  27. avatar

    Dav, you’ve got to wear the Sou’ Wester next time you guys play.

    The photos would be immense!

    On a related note – I mentioned it to Michael at Cab Vol last night – but have you heard there’s a risk they will be closing the Harbour Inn?

  28. avatar

    Thats totally shit, I love that pub. I’d happily sign the petition. Might make a “SAVE THE HARBOUR INN” Tshirt for Trampoline. If only I knew someone handy with a camera…

  29. avatar

    Even my fucking avitar is camp as hell, does it look at your name, email and webber and judge the best possible colour combo.

  30. avatar

    There’s an online petition started here …

  31. avatar

    Good morning. Ex-Edinburgh bloke now resident in Brooklyn, NY. I really enjoy the info and chat on here. Been lurking for a while now to keep an eye on Edinburgh music scene as I contemplate a return to Scotland. Feel free to talk me out of/into it.

    Thought I’d say hello as I will be back home next week and may well make it along to the Bowery on Thursday night. After which I will most likely return to the shadows. However, re boats:

    1. Bow Movement
    2. Isn’t that the tag line off the Top Gun poster?
    3. Not sure but I once did the back stroke with Billy Ocean.
    4. Yacht Rock –
    5. Last summer I slept in a water bed and vomited due to sea sickness.

  32. avatar

    Excellent stuff Pete, say hello if you can. It should be a really good night.

  33. avatar

    1. Wherry (norfolk boy)
    2. I think it’s being in the navy,hands down, although my dad was in the navy and wasn’t camp at all, as I remember. Aren’t ‘the navy’ and ‘motorbikes’ on opposite rims of the gay stereotype wheel? (I’ve worked hard at the precise phrasing of this response).
    3. Probably last summer and probably in Barmouth but I’m not absolutely sure.
    4. Several I might have said have already gone so I’ll have ‘The Goonies’.
    5. I’ve been fairly seasick once or twice when young and always, always manage to capsize or in some other way fall in if I go out in any kind of smaller boat but nothing actually life threatening.

  34. avatar

    1. U-Boat. Submarines are way cool. Submarine flicks are also awesome. ping! ping!! Ping!!! PIng!!!PING!!!! Kaboosh!

    2. Navy, i remember when the italian Navy docked in Leith and Princes Street was full of sailors in Valentino designed uniforms (no really) with a ned dolly bird under each arm. Lots of very pissed off neds.

    3. Sea is wet and cold. I like a nice infinity pool with a lilo.

    4. Poseidon Adventure. Thats camp as.

    5. I will never get on a small boat after the madagascar incident but waking up in Mr Toads boat on the Thames and jumping out of the bunk to find water up to my ankles wasn’t brill either.

  35. avatar

    I love Steven Wright’s line:

    When I’m taking a bath I like to put the shower on and pretend I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.

  36. avatar

    Cheers for that Coriander, I’ve signed it and shall spread the good word.

    I also seem to now have the coolest fucking avitar ever!!

  37. avatar

    1) I’m with Mrs. Toad here. U-Boat! Tauchen das U-Boot! Tauchen das U-Boot!

    2) Navy. I’ve never heard of a biker shoving a friends toothbrush up his arse. Everyone I know who was in the Navy is familiar with the practice.

    3) March. Went to India for a bit.

    4) Das Boot! Not only the best boat themed film but, also the best film Hands down. Ever.

    5) Nope.

  38. avatar

    It’s spelled ‘avatar’. First get Michael and Graeme to fill in their five…

    ..and then you owe Dylan a pint.

    Darling, you’re acting like I don’t show you a good time. People will get the wrong impression.

  39. avatar

    “4) Das Boot! Not only the best boat themed film but, also the best film Hands down. Ever. “


    Emphatically, yes.

  40. avatar

    Dingy… what can I say? I go for humor,… always. Besides it reminds me of the funny names you guys give your thingys.
    2. Navy for sure, just look at those goofy pants (trousers) they wear!
    3. Last summer, Sea of Cortez, Mexico (which we will never travel to again I fear!) and it spat us out again with force and violence and I have the scars to prove it… sand blasted, eeek!
    4. Jaws, gotta be Jaws… “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” is the. coolest. line. ever. in a boat movie.
    5. Nope, driving with MChutney is as close as one needs to get to life threatening, pants-wetting, fear.

    Leave poor Tom alone, he’s not well today, you rouges!

  41. avatar

    Rouges? That’s a weird image, but I like it.

    A shower of rouges adrift in our dingy dinghy!

  42. avatar

    LOL didn’t realize I’d spelled dinghy and rogues wrong, I’m a MESS today!

  43. avatar

    1. horse drawn boat, probably not as tragically funny as i imagine it to be.

    2. neither…rollerblades however, are gayer than bum sex.

    3. to long ago to remember.

    4. titanic. fuck it i’d sit through three hours of any old shite so long as i get to see reatardo decaprio drown at the end.

    5. not really had a scary moment on a boat before. ben and fraser should really be involved in this thread. they are experts after all.

  44. avatar

    I just realised I know very little about boats and related trivia.

    1. I quite like that Sloep suggestion above
    2. Navy navy navy.
    3. Last summer in Cold Spring Harbor, shortly after arguing with James Watson about schizophrenia genetics. Best moment of my life ever, even if he is a bit out of it this days.
    4. I think I have only seen Speed2 and Titanic. Neither of these fit the bill.
    5. Nope! Though the high speed ferry to Ireland is good fun when it’s windy.

    I feel like I’m lacking any kind of Friday Five Flare, but it’s now 7pm and I am still in the lab, having suffered a mini mouse foetus holocaust all morning. Sympathy, sympathy!

  45. avatar

    Oh oh oh I just remembered I did fear for my life on a “boat” once. I was trying to cross a river by car in Latvia, and when I reached the “ferry” it was a floating platform with no barriers, which you reversed on to, and then an old man pulled you across using a big rope strung across the river. Driving in a rental car with everything on the wrong side and no idea what I was doing, it was mildly terifying.

  46. avatar

    “mini mouse foetus holocaust”

    I have spent three years slaving away at this blog just to get to the point where there is mouse foetus holocaust chat in the comments. I can now retire a proud and happy man.


  47. avatar

    Becky, are you in the King’s Buildings by any chance? Sorry, slightly tangential question.

  48. avatar

    1. dinghy

    2. it really depends on the oufit worn during the pursuit of either. chaps and a fringed jacket aint gonna make any biker look hard is it?

    3. Me and my friend Martin went swimming in the North Sea last October. We wer both fully clothed and martin was wearing a lovely white t-shirt which accentuated his beer belly beautifully after our retreat. best hangover cure ever.

    4. Thunder in Paradise starring the Hulk.

    5. Ive never been on a boat journey where i never feared for my life.

    ps how the hell did dav get that avatar?

  49. avatar

    ha i seem to have one also. haaaar. like the ginger beard dav.

  50. avatar

    mini mouse foetus holocaust

    T-shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (size xxsmall, please)

  51. avatar

    ugh, I give up, Matthew your comments plug in is horrible xx

  52. avatar

    4. Thunder in Paradise starring the Hulk.

    All actors are better if their first name is ‘The’.

  53. avatar

    Ben’s comments are best!

  54. avatar

    Right not sorry, first the works Spam filter says sod off you can’t get on Toadys site because all his pals swear a bit. Then bloody bob dylan turns up in Liverpool and prevents early evening stuff, then Depeche Mode do Walking in my shoes on the tele and I need to answer 5 questions before I can comment. All in all a good day….
    Golden Hind
    You can’t camp in the navy you’ll sink
    Isnt it full of fish?
    Rowboat Cop ….sorry…I’ll get me coat
    Yes Hartlepool Harbour pulling up crab nets 1978

    FOr the record Bob was excellent and the cider was good too.

  55. avatar

    1. I’ve always loved a good scow.

    2. I believe that would be the British Navy:

    3. Two weeks ago. Miami Beach. Tits and asses everywhere, including my own.

    4. Mutiny on the Bounty with Charles Laughton.

    5. On an airboat in a Florida Alligator Farm. Fucking pilot got cute and nearly flipped the fucker over into gator-infested waters.

  56. avatar

    1. Catamarran (not sure if that’s how you spell it’s pronounced.
    2. Being in the navy, definitely. See Cher’s video for ‘If I Could Turn Back Time.’
    3. If paddling counts, then five years ago. If actually swimming, then over ten years ago.
    4. The African Queen. Though I really like Pirates Of the Caribbean (first one, obviously).
    5. Not that i can remember, so I guess the answer’s no!

  57. avatar

    I am not at Kings Buildings unfortunately Matthew, but marooned down at the Western General, where I am again this morning. I hope you guys are enjoying the sunshine whilst collecting!

  58. avatar

    Well, what the fuck why not, you need more American representation on this here blog thread…

    1. Fucking Land Yacht

    2. Camp? What the fuck does that mean? Sounds gay to me.

    3. Fucking yesterday, I live 1/2 mile from the ocean. Tried to drown myself but didn’t make it happen.

    4. Fucking ‘Lesbian Boat Party’ best boat porno movie I’ve ever seen.

    5. Fuck yeah, my honeymoon trip to Caribbean. Was afraid I’d die from too much fucking.

    Oops, did I say Fuck too much…… Yeah, well fucking too bad if you don’t like it… Go US of Fucking A…

  59. avatar
    wasp nostrils

    1. A Cat eating a Meringue in a Catamaran

    2. Navy + Motorcycle = JetSki

    3. Greece (i was in the sea in the background of the beach scene) no not really the country….like i was just pretenting i was in the movie grease but no i wanst born when it was filmed, i went in the sea in the country greece honest

    4. Burden of Dreams

    5. Wonce i was in a canoe and was really cold so i lit my camping stove and put it by my feet, this was a stupid thing to do cause my trainers caugt fire and the canoe melted, i was rushed to hospital with 3rd degree burns….JUST GOES TO SHOW…..”YOU CANT HAVE YOUR KAYAK AND HEAT IT!”
    please note this is just a joke!

  60. avatar

    That’s the best post on this whole thread.

  61. avatar

    Ah, don’t be such a fucking slimey Toad, you know damn well my post was the best……..

  62. avatar

    Fuck fuck fucketty fuck, Merz.

  63. avatar

    Yeah, that about sums it up Fuck Merz….
    Or better said Merz is fucked…

    How about sending me another email about suicide and then one to follow explaining again how you don’t understand depression or suicide? But, damn I was missed when I was gone. Makes me want to find the nearest bridge and hang off of it. Eh, surely I jest….

    Fuck, fuck, fucketty fuck, Merz

  64. avatar

    You better be fucking jesting. Christ, man.

  65. avatar

    It may be time to start up the Jade stuff again for light relief.

  66. avatar

    Can I go back about 20 posts and do my related but now out of date favourite Steven Wright line?

    You know how when you put a stick into water and it looks like it’s bent but it’s not bent? That’s why I don’t take baths.

    I thank you.

  67. avatar

    So, erm, that Jade Goody. She was shit, eh?


    Adam – I don’t understand it. I like it, but I don’t understand it.

  68. avatar

    I also like it when Steven Wright talks about his grandfather; who used to take him into a small closet, where the two of them would stand in silence together staring at the door.

    Wright says his grandfather told him it was elevator training.

Leave a Reply