Five Fucking Friday Filibustering Blue Lobsters
Well as you read this I will be in a day-long meeting with one of Proper Job’s most important clients. The product, about which I really can’t divulge all that much, is a really interesting one. It’s one of those things which may well in some form be essential in about five years time but at the moment is really rather embryonic and still basically on the drawing board. It makes for a very interesting day’s work however, albeit a very argumentative one.
So whilst I am choking on shit sandwiches and bursting with excessive coffee intake, please sit back, relax, gently stroke your mouse and fire in your five frivolous Friday fuckwitticisms. It’s not about being first, funniest or anything like that, just chip in.
Tonight there will be monumental levels of drunkenness for myself and my darling girl Mrs. Toad. We are going to the Bowery to see Rob St.John and Broken Records singe everyone’s eyebrows with all sorts of raucous nonsense. Well, maybe not Rob. But he’ll still be good, I can promise you that – I’ve never sen Rob play live and not been impressed. Broken Records will be different. In a room that small they might just make your ears bleed. I, for a change, will not be reviewing or filming or anything like that. Mrs. Toad and I will be down the front enjoying ourselves and nothing more. We will be drunk, we will be grinning like fools and staggering about like muppets and in general we will be warming up for a splendid weekend. There are still tickets available, should you want to join in, just swing by the City Cafe some time tomorrow.
Now, in case you were intending to be so foolish as to attempt anything productive on a Friday, stop right now. Before you go any further do you love me. Will you love me forever; do you need me? Will you… oops, sorry, that was a Meat Loaf lyric. I’ll stop. Right now. Delurking is required, and the filling in of five of the most frivolous answers you’ve ever produced in your life. Have a good weekend, Toadlings.
1. Best blag you’ve ever pulled off.
2. Most fortuitous ticket.
3. Biggest waste of an expensive ticket purchase.
4. Most unexpected brilliant day.
5. Forced participation which actually turned out okay.
The Decemberists – Mariner’s Revenge Song
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The White Stripes – I Want to Be the Boy to Warm Your Mother’s Heart
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The Men They Couldn’t Hang – Island in the Rain
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As implied by my song choices, here we go:
1 – I travelled through to Glasgow, having been told that there were tickets on the door, and arrived to find that the gig had sold out. By some miracle, and without angling for it in the slightest, I managed to get the bouncer lady to let me in for free. That rocked.
2 – After being binned by Mrs. Toad very early in our relationship the next call I received was from a friend who managed to get me in to see the White Stripes at Alexandra Palace on the Radio One ticket. Fuck me that was a good gig.
3 – I paid £95 for two tickets to Hinterland, one for me and one for Mrs. Toad. She didn’t go at all, and I only went on the Thursday, meaning that we paid £95 for me to see Meursault, Orpahns and Thieves and Fanfarlo, in a venue I could have got into for free anyway because Meursault are on Toad Records. Fucking brilliant. And Fanfarlo weren’t even particularly good either.
4 – I visitied Schiermoninikoog in Holland with a couple of lady friends back in 1997. It was extremely pleasant despite the fact that I didn’t really want to go and the fact that I was only invited because I happened to have a car.
5 – I went to see American Pie under extreme duress. To my total shock I rather enjoyed. Now move along, please.
1. My best blag involves Esso Tiger Tokens and the little village petrol station I worked in after school when I was fifteen, but I can’t go into too much detail for fear of incriminating myself (…but I got so much shit from that catalogue!)
2. Most fortuitous ticket? I keep thinking of bad luck I’ve had with tickets. Like the time I had tickets to Wales v. The All Blacks in Cardiff, and the chance to see the legendary haka performed, but that was the occasion there was a last minute disagreement over the running order for the pre-match ceremonies, and the All Blacks sulked and did the haka in the changing room before running out onto the pitch. Or being a div and forgetting about my secret special show at Homegame. Or getting a ticket off a tout for The Foo Fighters at the CIA in Cardiff, and finding out I had actually bought a special VIP pass to the hospitality area back-stage, but my mate’s ticket was just a regular one (I was in there. In the fucking room! Past the bouncer, who had greeted me with a smile upon inpecting my VIP pass. I could see the stacks of free booze and smell the delicious buffet, but then I looked over my shoulder to see my mate standing lost and forlorn out there in the corridor… I turned back and the two of us went to the pub.) Or the other time I got a (legitimate – this time) VIP pass to a gig at the CIA, only it was Tom Jones.
3. The Manic Street Preachers millennium eve gig at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. What a fucking abysmal waste of time that was. They didn’t have enough bars open in the stadium so you couldn’t get served. The only drinks we managed to get our hands on were two beers I bought for double the price off a couple of lads who’d just queued up for an hour and got four pints each. The gig was dull at best. Then at ten-to-midnight the band left the stage, the house lights came on, and they put BBC1 on the big screens – just so we could all see what a brilliant time the rest of the country was having at the various free events and street parties going on up and down the nation as the outside broadcast teams flicked back and forth between different cities.. When they showed the street party in Cardiff we thought “Fuck this” and went outside and joined them.
4. Probably my first day in New York. Nothing in in particular happened other than wandering around exploring Manhattan; I just wasn’t expecting to like the place much, let alone fall in love with it as much as I did.
5. Probably when I had to go on one of those daft corporate outward-bounds team-building exercises up at some remote hiking lodge in the middle of the Brecon Beacons. My determination not to have a good time lasted about five minutes into the first orienteering exercise, and from then on I was like an enthusiastic little springer spaniel; up to my hips in the Tawe river, shooting pistols, climbing trees, swinging on ropes… Brilliant.
I don’t care if i’m breaking the rules – dylan, what the fuck were you doing at a manic street preachers gig in the first place?!!?
I don’t have to answer that until you’ve done your Five, Euan.
i’m breaking the rules just to tell euan to shut up
why you telling me to shut up tom?
a) The Manics are a class act
b) i haven’t been overtly rude to you in a little while
a)no no they are not
b)thought you’d turned nice. obviously not.
The manics are still a class live act!
Dylans post shows that the only forms of entertainment there were growing up in wales were:
1) the Manics
2) Tom Jones
3) rugby
4) swearing
1. I did a film loop for some DJ blokes at university- I set it up so behind their heads would be a screen with the death star exploding over and over and over (and this was in 1987 and so involved getting the 16mm film and sticking it into a loop with glue and winding it carefully into the projector, not opening a digital file and clicking some ‘loop’ button) and they let me in for free, which was a minor league blag, but also let me drink all night for free, which was a major blag to the tune of a dozen kronenbourgs.
2. I missed buying a ticket for a blues night once but then got a chance to work the door for half of the show, so I bounced (desperately ineffectually) for the main act, who was Robert Cray, and went in beforehand to see Ted Hawkins.
3. Dunno, not made many expensive ticket purchases. Biggest waste of a cheap one was going to see The Mighty Lemon Drops and deciding, five minutes after going in, that I simply wasn’t in the mood and walking out again.
4. I missed out on a London trip for a demo/festival/show thing but then bumped into some friends who dragged me along to see Nanci Griffith and I fell i love.
5. I was dragged along to see Rory McLeod who I thought was going to be a terrible dodgy earnest folky (given the people who were doing the dragging) (and I told them) but it was a really good show and I was suitably apologetic about being wrong.
a) Euan, remember when me and Shonagh did the handbags mime to one of your incredulous outbursts in the taxi last night, only Shonagh did it with her actual handbag?!
b) If only the manics were as good as they think they are.
c) Bart, nailed it.
d) None of you have done your fives! Stop cheating!
Dylan – actually, no. I think you forget that I don’t drink much anymore and have become an extreme lightweight. I have no recollection of our chat.
1. dunno.
2. i used to go to this ‘Rock Disco’ at the Newcastle Mayfair, anyway it was 1995 and it was Bon Jovi night, and up for grabs were 2 pair of tickets for a show at Wembley, and the whole BJ back catalogue…anyway the questions were posed and no one knew the answers from yours truly, but i could keep going up to collect the prize…so i told random people who then went up and collected the prizes for moi.
3. £10 to see Cat Power at the T on The Fringe about 5 years ago…..fucking shite.
4. everyday is a holiday.
5. long night, alcohol, magic mushrooms, late night, one bed left, 46 her, 25 moi, protests moi, begging her, give in moi, the results quite pleasant .
That blog has more friday euphoria than that old crunchie advert with the rollercoaster!
1: Ian Brown at the liquid room when I was 15 seemed a pretty big deal at the time.
2: Last tickets in the shop for Arthur Lee.
3: Dav and I sat in Salsa Bar while Arthur Lee played his first gig in my lifetime about two minutes walk up the road. I just didn’t think to check the dates on the tickets.
4: A psychedelic outing to a farm. Magic.
5: Juvenile delinquency.
I was at that cat power gig. She was really pretty pissed and couldn’t keep her guitar in tune.
or keep her fucking mouth shut….kept telling us these random stories that were neither funny or enlightening…..then she snogged this lass….then i just shouted at her….and get shite off people that must hold her in such reverence that they would allow her to come around to they homes and shite in their beds….losers!!
i love her music….just wish she would take her head out her arse
1. tennents once ran a competition where by for every ring pull from a can you sent in, you got an entry for a prize draw for an all expenses paid trip to Barbados. So me and my friend decided to ‘rig’ the competition by drinking as much tennents as humanly possibly, and spent an entire summer shit faced. Much to the disapproval of all our friends. The following summer, tennents paid for us to go to Barbados.
2. Dont know. Maybe seeing the Hives play king tuts. It was just before they went mega. A month later they packed out the barrowlands. I’m sure they’re probably back to playing king tuts again, such is this fickle industry.
3. Can’t think of one. I did get inappropriately drunk at a Low concert, and proceeded to hiccup louder than the band. Not good.
4. I like random drunk nights. Planned nights out, generally, end up disappointing. But the random “lets go for a pint” that leads to getting trashed and talking bollocks into the small hours are priceless.
5. Went to see some experimental theatre thing a few months ago. I wasn’t against the idea, but just wasn’t that excited about the prospect. But it turned out to be really good.
If people refuse to play by the rules there will be comment deletions.
Five yourselves all to pieces.
1. £100, meal, drink and two free tickets to see James Brown, what a night. If you don’t ask.
2. Radiohead in Glasgow Green, there was a barrier seperating the early birds from the rest which I never got into. I lost my friends and was stuck beside a giant big sweaty fat man who was crying his eyes out. It was at this point that a security guard took pity on me and let me over the barrier, the only reason it was so good was that it had previously been so very bad.
3. I was dragged to this performance art doo dah which culminated in a man walking through the audience and blowing in the faces of all who attended. All apart from me, I think he was put off by my then girlfriend who shouted “DON’T YOU PUNCH HIM” at me.
Actually, I had forgotten about the fucking Salsa Bar. We were a street away.
4. Probably booze related.
5. Probably booze related.
Did you really go to the Bahamas on a Tennent’s competition, Bart?
Or even Barbados?
1. Still waiting for this, althouygh when i was eighteen I was ecstatic to charm my way backstage for a band who were headlining. Erm, cast, but they were still good then, and this was long before I was interviewing bands so that felt cool (this was about, ooh, 1995. Or getting backstage at the V festival in 2000)
2. Has to be Franz Ferdinand headlining at Fibbers in York with Sons & Daughters and Dogs Die In Hot Cars supporting in about October 2003. Other early Franz Ferdinand gigs were like that too…though getting tickets to Morrissey at the MEN Arena for his 45th birthday show was no mean feat either…
3.Smashing Pumpkins at Wembley 2000. Really crap. Almost as bad as Corgan’s 2005 solo album.
4. Wedding day…it had been so stressful, the weather the day before was horrific (this was July 2007, about the times of the massive floods), yet the day itself passed off reasonably smoothly (awww!!!) and was the happiest day of my life.
5. Was recently pressed into going to a 75th birthday party i did not want to go to, and had a good time catching up with peopel I hadn’t seen in years.
Ed, stop being a fucking sap, for god’s sake!
Ive always loved that salsa bar story.
1) im really not very good at blagging. my girlfriend managed to get us into see christy moore at the festival theatre for free. this really is the best answer ive got.
2) definately seeing twilight sad in bannermans.
3) not very expensive but most dissapointing ticket purchase was the james yorkston/malcom middleton/pictish fence club thing at the caves last year. promised to be an amazing gig but the place was so busy we couldnt actually see or hear anything from the stage. rather annoying.
4) yes. hallucinogens. princes street gardens/royal mile. august.
5) as above.
You were at that one too? With Popup and Dumb Instrument? That was an amazing gig.
1. I’ve mentioned this on the show so some may know this: it wasn’t me so much, just the way I looked that blagged me a belly full of bourbons at a gig in San Diego last year. I was at an Anni Rossi gig (she had already said she’d comp me, but when I got there she hadn’t even arrived – it was then I learnt the “American gigs start far later than UK gigs” rule about truning up times – so I had to blag my way in as my name wasn’t yet down; the guy said I had an honest face, the idiot). Anni was supporting The Ting Tings & after Anni’s bit I stood at the back of the bar, rested on the sound booth, watching the pop-punks wow the crowd with her tits jumping up & down + her raspy accent. I was tapped on the shoulder and as I turned this guy placed a bourbon soda on the shelf alongside me. He then backed off. I thanked him &, puzzled, I drank the bourbon (the drink I’d been downing all night). After about 10 mins the guy tapped me on the shoulder again & asked me “How long have you managed The Ting Tings?” I said I wasn’t their manager, & why did he think I was. He then explained that suits (black linen), especially with ’sneakers’ (grey Dunlop), & David Beckham haircuts (I’d had it cut well short so took some product to the bitch), being worn by someone with an “English” accent “weren’t that common round here”. Seems he heard me order a bourbon, took a look at my get up & came up with 5. Not the last time that happened that night (although that might have been someone overhearing part of my conversation with the first guy & then coming up with their own unique 5, etc. etc.), & it’s happened again 3 times since. I think I might be wearing a ‘free pass’.
2. To see Matthew Jay (RIP) at The Barfly in Cardiff & being blown away by the support band & me missing the entire MJ set as I talked to the singer/songwriter. MJ fell out of a window a week later, so I never got to find out if he was any good beyond thatone song. The singer/songwriter became my best mate & I later became his best man & godfather to his daughter. The fucking idiot.
3. Jimmy car, Ed. Fringe 3 years ago @ Ed. Convention Centre. Fucking dreadful recycled off the tele appearances one liners & cheap ‘laugh at the silly news topic/Heat-style magazine’ so-called improv ‘jokes’. Closely followed by Frankie Boyle who pretty much gave us a re-run of his appearances on Mock The Week, only this time he’d ironed out the unsure element in his voice on the delivery of such graphic material that gave them a marmite comedy appeal – which, in the light of the cost of the ticket was a very fucking costly tactical move on his part. I’ll never go see him masturbate into a piggy bank again.
4. My meeting up with Clem Snide after 3 years or so & the thought of an interview with Eef had me seriously doubting my ability to blag through nerves. But meeting with the bassist first & reminiscing & chatting about Tart (she’d buttonholed him at a Chicago gig & delivered him a message from me & he took to her immediately; &, ladies & gentlemen, she to him. She to Him), + a little secret he passed me about Eef, really sorted my angle out & the rest of the day was superb – excellent support band (if a little White Stripes crossed with the Gourds), & Clem Snide played a fucking corker. Completely won the packed crowd (an old ex GF from 6th form came on my invitation & she brought a friend & they both had never heard of CS & fell head over tit for them). After the gig the band declared it their best performance of the whole tour & Ben (drummer) downed a bottle of Bourbon & became the hysterical redneck he threatened us all with, Brendan (bassist) was wide eyed & ecstatic on too much Guiness, & Eef was simply Eef but far more wired. The interview was a fucking dream – Eef was really up for the chat & we enaged in a little banter & silliness & got a little too technical about songwriting. Brendan was dry as a fucking bone & Ben was confused by alcohol. After the interview 2 fans who’d been listening (& chatting through it, you’ll eventually hear when we broadcast) came up & said I asked all the questions fans like her (she was American – she’d flown from Cleveland to see them; so, you know, a little obsessed) have wanted to have answered for a while. So I was well fucking chuffed. Brilliant day.
5. “Bourne Identity” — I was given 2 free tickets to see the premier showing in Cardiff. TWoTH couldn’t go so I took a friend & on the way out I made a joke about seeing a half-decent Bond movie. She was a little taken aback as she had loved it – I thought she’d hate it, being a professional art fag. But she didn;t. I refused to look at the film in any way that a copyist hash; but then I saw the second Bourne (out of curiosity after watching one of those ITV ‘making of/behind the scenes’ promo puff essays they usually put out late at night the week before the film’s London premiere) & was intrigued to go back & watch it again. & loved it. Realised it was Bond was the one that needed to fold or up the ante in the light of it. &, ooh, look what we got in response…
Oh, & I forgot: Eef quoted from The Young Ones in a Dick Van Dyke English accent when on stage which divided the audinece between those old enough to rememeberr/recognise the reference & those who were laughing at his awful accent. Very self indulgent & you had to be there, but fuck it. I nailed the interview
Hey now! It’s not my fault that you set me up to give a message to such a gorgeous guy! And what kind of chatting did you do about me exactly?!? (and don’t tease me, he was not taken with me, pffft). But yes, Clem Snide gave a terrific show here in Chicago and it was a huge pleasure watching Brendan play :p
yes i was. awesome.
Yes, Brendan was quite taken with you, young Tartlette. We just chatted a bit about your blog & your review of the show & how Eef’s faith in blogs was somewhat restored by said review & how it cheered him up no end after he’d read the review. & Brendan was particularly chuffed about the last line.
1. A buddy and I got into a titty bar when we were 16 by telling the bouncer we were diabetic.
2. I always pay my way.
3. U2. Carrier Dome. Syracuse, NY, 1988. The day I officially stopped loving U2.
4. The day in 1997 when I woke up well after an eight-day bout of the nastiest flu I’d ever experienced. Later that day I made my first trip out of the house and grabbed a copy of OK Computer, which had just come out.
5. Father O’Sullivan. Third grade. He was so very gentle.
Cf&Bf #1 is a gem
I’m jetting out to VA on Thursday. Email me so we can work out cell numbers & timings? I was thinking a few beers (perhaps even a show, if anything decent’s nearby) on Saturday eve would be quite nice… I’m trying to co-ordinate a handful of people to meet up at the same time.
Let me know.
Brilliant. That’s making me chuckle each time I read it..
Art fag, as a term, appears to be entering the English language by stealth.
I like entering things by stealth.
Well, even tho I set you up to tell me again I still am floored every time I think that he even read my review at all. Thanks darlin xoxox
“Art fag, as a term, appears to be entering the English language by stealth.”
-I love it when a plan comes together.
“Art fag, as a term, appears to be entering the English language by stealth.”
-I love it when a plan comes together.
Like I said, I was using this as a term of abuse back when the original band were knocking about
original band were knocking about
God, you’re so old DC!
A curse & a blessing, Dyran. A curse & a blessing.