Five Sails Up
Well we’ve heard back from the lifeboat lady, and apparently our efforts (here, and the aftermath here) have managed to raise pretty much double the amount of previous years. This, frankly, is fucking brilliant news so massive thanks to everyone who came along – Dave & Michael from The Stormy Seas, Neil from Meursault, Dylan from Blueback Hotrod, a random hot chick from Mrs. Toad’s work, Morgan from, er, Glasgow and Ed from 17 Seconds (& 17 Seconds Records). Brilliant stuff – same again next year?
In other slightly random news, Mrs. Toad is getting all excited about the possibility of us doing house gigs. We have most of a PA system which we use for the Toad Sessions, the living room is pretty big, and we have a massive fridge for beer. The nice thing about this is that in the absence of paying a sound guy and room hire, we could easily ask for a fiver donation, all straight to the band, and it could actually turn out way more lucrative for a musician. It would also be a really nice atmosphere, because our living room would look full with twenty people in it, never mind fifty, so if we were taking a chance on someone interesting but not at all famous, that might be a good way to do it.
We’d have to think of someone good to start with, I think, and be careful to keep it kind of low key at the beginning. I was a little skeptical at first, I have to confess, but I have yet to speak to anyone who thinks it’s a bad idea, so we are likely to go ahead with it sooner rather than later.
And with that, maybe it’s time to start this Friday’s Fives. This is everyone’s opportunity to get beyond the same old smart-arsed muppets in the comments section, de-lurk, and have their say, so lets go for it, people. There’s no need to worry about not being the funniest or the cleverest (although, lets face, the bar is set pretty fucking low if you’re the competitive sort), but you will be mocked for your opinions. Kindly, of course, but mocked you will be, and once you’ve written your five you can mock back.
So get going, you fruitcakes, it’s fucking Friday and I am going to some sort of crazy executive dinner part tonight with Mrs. Toad’s work. She wants me to get my beard trimmed (which I won’t do), get my hair cut (which I might do) and actually iron a shirt (which, alright okay, I will do). So while you’re out getting pickled out of your tiny little minds, spare a thought for me surrounded by braying yahoos from the financial services sector. I’ll try not to get too pished and tell everyone to fuck off. Try. I’m making no promises.
1. Science Fiction – a good thing or a bad thing?
2. Your most inappropriate behaviour at a formal event.
3. Ever spent an evening as a trophy wife/husband/boyfriend/etc..?
4. Most painful first date activity.
5. Least favourite TV presenter.
Jeffrey Lewis & Laura Marling – Brain Damage (An Eminem cover, apparently – for more info and some ace Jeffrey Lewis movies see here.)
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Richard & Linda Thompson – Withered and Died (Thanks to Campfires & Battlefields)
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The Thermals – When We Were Alive
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The Mummers vs Passion Pit – Sleepyhead (Isn’t this one of those remix/mashup things? Have I sunk this low?)
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The Sailplanes – The Bridge (New album coming soon, and they sound promising.)
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house gigs – that is a genius idea! really great.
1. sometimes good. sometimes bad. depends entirely on the science fiction.
2. At my old company’s 30th anniversary me and a mate took the helium balloons, sucked on them and started doing impressions of our boss….which didn’t go down well with the other partners of the firm.
3. Never. There is a genius epsiode of the IT crowd with such a scenario though.
4.Going to Arbroath.
5. That bint Linda Barker from Changing Rooms – her voice is like the teacher of Charlie Brown. mwah mwah mwah
1. Some of it’s alright, but generally I’m pretty non-plussed for it.
2. I’ve not been to all that many formal events.
3. No.
4. That I’ve ever been involved in? Conceivable? ?? Not really sure where to go with this one. I’ve had the usual clutch of slightly awkward ones but nothing a few beers couldn’t sort out.
5. Fern Cotton.
1. it’s great….fact
2. Once, at a friends wedding, i forgot i was wearing nothing under a Kilt and flashed at the whole wedding party!!!
3. yeah, once or twice, i just start talking about my top five Krautrock albums.
4. Most of my first dates have been painful.
5. jenny Powell.
House gigs great…..how about The Kays album launch being one of the first…..
1. I tend to enjoy even really bad science fiction. I love the design aspect, I think – the thought that goes into designing a new world, however badly executed.
2. I went to an old girlfriend’s work barbecue and ended up suggesting a threesome with two friends of the wife of the bloke who owned the company. We almost left immediately, but one chickened out. I had been without sleep for 48 hours, and drinking heavily, if that, er, mitigates anything at all.
3. The Finance Corp ball a few years back with Mrs. Toad. We’ve not been back since. I tend to try and look as scruffy and hippy as possible.
4. Bowling and McDonalds. We’re talking really early years in Singapore when there really was fuck all else to do. What made it most painful was a/ that I hate bowling and McDonalds and b/ that everyone from school who was also scrabbling around for something to do on a date was likely to be there as well, making it all even more awkward.
5. The Americans will win this one with almost any Fox News anchor you care to mention. Personally, I’ll go with Davina McCall. Although that Cotton lady and the appaling Barker woman are very good nominations.
“House gigs great…..how about The Kays album launch being one of the first…”
That would be brilliant, unless Euan was aiming for something a little more celebrity-stylie! Not sure how well a band with two guitarists and a drummer would go down with the neighbours though, but might be nice for a stripped back companion party to the main event.
1. No, not really – my Mum goes nuts for it though
2. Went to a very important rugby thing a few weeks back and drank a lot of wine. We snorted and laughed all the way through the speeches. How did no one else find the comment ‘DeHore loored a hooker’ funny?
3. I think so, but was unaware at the time. the night was so sugar coated my teeth hurt thinking about it now.
4. Probably the one above, dinner at a golf club with stuffy stuffy people…
5. Guess it has to be Jeremy Kyle. There is no bigger tit on tv
House gigs – amazing idea!
1. How can it ever be a bad thing?
2. Probably doing Bacardi Breezer Straw-pedos with my little brother at my great-grandmother’s funeral. (Not during the service, mind. That would have been at the mentally deranged end of ‘inappropriate’)
3. Er.. No.
4. General awkwardness.
5. Stupid Kate off the BBC morning news; Breakfast Bill’s new eye-candy now that Welsh Sian is off having a baby. She’s just such a div. The other day they were talking about the farcical penalty shoot-out at the end of the Blues / Tigers game – the semi-final of the Heineken Cup – and the sports guy and Breakfast Bill were seriously discussing what a ridiculous idea penalty shoot-outs in rugby are, when you’ve got half the team who never put boot to ball during normal play, (Unlike soccer, where – granted – you may have specialist strikers and defenders, but at least everyone is used to kicking the ball in the general direction of the opponent’s goal) – then Stupid Kate pipes up with “Yes, but I bet it was quite amusing to watch!”. No it wasn’t you useless tart! It was inappropriate and humiliating. Why don’t you just fuck off you shit-for-brains ridiculous clown?!
Rugby….who cares
I do; because not only did Cardiff outplay Leicester throughout the whole game, and miss out on the chance to send those pompous English arses back to Crisp-town and get to the Heinken Cup final, but the losing penalty was missed by Martyn Williams, one of the most highly respected and well liked players in world rugby, who’s served the game impeccably for over a decade and doesn’t deserve such humiliation.
You’d fit right in on the BBC news, Chutters.
Rugby…..who cares?
1. Science fiction: hit or miss
2. Hey, I once asked for a threesome at an event, and it went down like a lead balloon. Not only was the idea shot down immediately, but I got in a LOT of trouble with my girlfriend. But the worst was probably when I got really drunk at a wedding and wandered off for about an hour; apparently everyone was looking for me, including the bride’s father. I have little memory of where I spent that hour, but lots of blurry pictures of trees and my own feet to commemorate it.
3. I had a girlfriend in first year uni whose friends were coming up for the weekend and she said, “So make sure you look good, okay?” Of course, if I’d ever said something like that to her, it would have been the end of the world, eh?
4. I rarely did “dates” during my single years. I was more of a “drink as much as possible and see how you get on” type of guy. I was a charmer, to be sure.
5. Any ignorant, xenophobic, racist, militantly conservative fundamentalist (and let’s face it, probably American, no disrespect intended) presenter could go here.
How incredibly cool that not only are you planning on using your house as a gig venue, but that it’s the MRS that appears to be the leading proponent. Meursault?
1. It is impossible to get bad science fiction. Either it’s amazing, or it’s so bad it becaomes it’s own sub-genre, and therefore excellent.
2. I dropped a bag of tomatoes in Sainsbury’s today, and screamed, loudly.
3. This sounds like an excellent job – where can I apply?
4. Waxing?
5. Everyone is overshadowed by the brilliance that was Otis. (Also, the cactus off CBBC is pretty cool.)
Euan would be more than happy to be involved in a Kays house gig! We probably are going to do an album launch proper but no fixed plans as yet – might be a nice way to warm up. plus, the way the album is sounding we could easily not annoy your neighbours! and our new drummer can play guitar so there would not need to have a kit – could do 2 shows in 1 day – 1 stripped back show at your flat and then 1 full band in the evening perhaps? if people would be into that, that is.
Oh, spelling fail.
To disguise the spelling fail: ‘becaomes’ is actually a perfectly legitimate word, being a contraction of ‘becomes’ and ‘bemoans’.
Is it me?
yes dylan. it’s you. i just didn’t tell you. you have to guess when and where we’re practing always. if you miss one practice or show you’re sacked.
I can play a bit of piano too if you like. I’m not all that good, but I’m miles better than the current guy.
House gigs will give me an opportunity to indulge my feeder instincts if I can get that famous meatball recipe from our Christmas party to work.
1. just saw the new Star Trek. two words. Fucking Awesome.
2. Christ, where to even start? I’ll go with getting pished at a lawyers dinner party (sample convo”have you heard about Farquhar? He left Scruffin, Tuffin and McGuffin and went to Hooty, Tooty and Frooty” “ohmigod, really? I thought he wanted to get in at Shitter, Quitter and Twitter?” Scintillating stuff.
Anyone, I drank about two bottles of wine, stood on the table and screamed out “this is fucking boring, lets all nail our flaps to the floor youse cunts”. Needless to say, corporate lawyer boyfriend not amused and I was in purdah for a bit after that.
However, if he is reading this, I HAVE NO REGRETS, IT WAS FUCKING BOOOOOOOOORING!
3. I spent an astonishing amount of money on tottering around weddings of people I couldn’t give a shit about when hooked up with subject above. Each wedding meant a new dress, shoes etc, a contribution for a wedding pressie and half the hotel and travel costs. This despite him earning 3 x what I did. To this day, I despise formal weddings and formal events and happily lavish my ill gotten on all things Toad instead. (NB to those currently touring in the Toad Van, that doesn’t mean that the emergency petrol fund can be spent on Heineken and Peach Schnapps)
4. i once went on a blind date with a chap called Darren. He was short, possibly stunted by the heavy weight of hairgel he sported. He drove a metallic turquiose Escort convertible. He took me out to dinner – Chimichangas or some such shit Tex Mex at Fort Kinnaird before a flick in the UGC. Classy.
5. I loathe Fern Cotton, that June chick from channel 4 that slurs all her words together and whose slumpy languid writhing makes it look like she puts smack on her coco pops each morning, Ant AND Dec (and I can’t tell which is which), Simon Cowell and his arsehole brethern, anyone from Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Cox and all her ilk (Ball and that skinny one that married that Verne person), the Verne person and Judith Chalmers.
But I would take most pleasure in stamping on Noel Edmonds face for a few hours. Hows that for a fucking deal Noel?
the kays are in if those meatballs are on offer!
Given that people won’t shut up about those meatballs, it could be an excellent exercise in associative neuro-programming.
People would hear the Kays Lavelle and start salivating rabidly.
BBC Breakfast > Rugby
If those touring in the Toad Van fuck up the Toad Van in any way I will be extracting retribution in the form of imprisonment and physical torture.
Just so’s we’re clear.
1. It’s a good thing. Pretty much always. I’m with Voldermania on this one. I’ve even found terrible nonsense like Lexx watchable and curiously enjoyable (did anyone see this and think it was good?).
2. Being a very drunk best man at a friends wedding in anticipation and fear of giving my speech. Nothing prepared, bad jokes, mumbled platitudes, creative swearing, blank looks and no laughs. Slagging off the bride ddin’t go down well with her family. Or her new husband.
3. No.
4. I’m a bit socially awkward, so going on first dates are just painful, whatever it is I do.
5. Lorne Spicer. Or Nick Knowles. Or Dominic Littlewood. In fact practically anyone who is on BBC1 daytime TV.
I would potentially enjoy seeing the Kays Lavelle in a living room environment.
also i’ve got a name for your house gigs….’A foot in the door….’
Cheers for the plug in the List, by the way, Mr. Rocketship.
1. Mostly bad; however, yes, a good deal of comedy value, especially if those involved are taking themselves seriously.
2. Oooh, which to choose? First one that springs to mind is a family friend’s wedding on some posh country estate. My brother had been for a wander during the ‘pimms on the lawn’ stage in the proceedings, and beckoned me over on his return with a nicely evil glint in his eye, only to reveal a sporran full of magic mushrooms he’d found growing …
3. I once accompanied a male friend to a wedding as his ‘partner’, as a lot of his ex-wife’s friends would be there and he wanted ’something on his arm’. He was a renowned ladies’ man, and I spent the whole bloody evening repeating “I’m his FRIEND. That’s ALL. FRIEND.” Never again.
4. Never really been one for official ‘first dates’, but there have been a couple of times when you realise you must have been drunker than you thought on agreeing to the date, because in the cold light of day they make your skin crawl and you spend the entire evening in a state of dread at the prospect of them looming in for a snog.
5. Alan Tichmarsh Must Die.
Love the house gigs idea – you going to stream it live?
Well what the hell else are you supposed to spend it on?!
oh yeah, just read the article mr rocketship. cheers for the trampoline and kays plug and also to sparrow and the workshop for the trampoline plug in their interview too.
oh i was just thinking…..rugby, who cares?
I think Matt maybe laid it on a bit thick with his praise Euan, but credit where credit is due, chaps.
Everyones talking about Trampoline these days. Everyone.
1)The top 5% is great, but I think Sci-Fi tails off in quality more rapidly than a junior school storybook….and then I woke up
2)Didn’t realise I was whistling ‘when the saints go marching in’ at a funeral. A quick dig in the ribs sorted me
3)If only
4)Brambling…with the whole family. Spiky all round as I was a bit bohemian for their little girl.
5) Garth Crookes – bad enough on football but he did a late night politics show that was just awful
I’m all for the house gig idea, You could organise a tour, it may be a bit far for the Edinburgh bands to travel but I think we could get 80 people in the back garden with a band. Its a bit Cheshire set, but I’d love to see the neighbours react to a bit of thrash metal or Nepalm Death I think even the folky folk might scare them.
who’s everyone? me, you and matty!
Erm… Sparrow And The Workshop… The Under The Radar Blog… Kieran mentioned this Saturday nights…
That’s at least some of everyone.
Some of everyone.
some of everyone are talking about trampoline. i like it. but seriously, thanks.
Now, If I turn up at 9 tomorrow night, do I still have to pay full price?
1. Got to be a good thing.
2. Is ‘making friends’ with the bridesmaid innapropriate?
3. No, but was once asked to pretend to be a boyfriend.
4. Not drinking.
5. It was a while back, but Jo Willey had her own chat show. It was a low point in British telly.
I liked the idea of a house gig when I read Cover Lay Down. Mind the neighbours but.
i once commented like i am now on DiS and I got bombarded with abuse by people thinking i was doing it to promote myself, when in fact i just wanted to join the illegal downloads debate thread because a lot of the people were very wrong about it all. so this is my first outing since, so be nice. i just wanted to say that i did a house gig in fife last year, there were 30 people there, i sold 30 albums for a tenner and everyone donated a tenner on the door, all very generous i know, but as it all came to the artist, said artist actually became quite rich in a very short space of time and for a short period of time, therefore, very good idea. it’s the way things used to be in the olden days.
1. fucking rubbish
2. vommitting over the bar then snogging a girl immediately afterwards
3. imaginary husband – actually not as exciting as i thought it would be
4. sore penis from date using teeth
5. julia bradbury – loathesome, ugly, annoying all in one person
Good call on that Bradbury woman, how can you make something so good appear to be so bad?
Maybe it’s an anti talent she has. She should get the gig on all crap TV shows and finish them off for once and for all
since DC is on his way over to VA, i thought i’d chip in today…
1. good if it’s good, bad if it’s bad
2. stopping off at Blackpool Pleasure Beach on the way to a wedding and almost missing the service – had to sneak in quietly after the bride had walked down the aisle – which, apparently, is bad luck, although I’m not sure for who exactly
3. hey, welcome to life as TWoTH
4. was once dragged to an amateur dramatics performance of one of those typically “hilarious” british farces for a first date – oh how i didn’t laugh
5. i concur with the atrocious fearne cotton & i could quite happily spend a whole day punching kate silverton hard in the face (although I suspect that roger ramjet jaw of hers would splinter my knuckles) but i’d also like to add the dead-behind-the-eyes Tess Daly and Natasha Kaplinsky to the list
i can just guess what you look like…..but i reckon it’s short
1. Well, given that I actually had quite a good time at the new Star Trek film last night, I think that’s puts me in the good camp. but my boyfriend really likes the Stargate series and that makes me want to throw up. He rants at me for watching Hollyoaks, but really, we’re on a par here both with the acting and the “special” effects.
2. I went to the wedding of an old friend of my ex boyfriend, and the bride was really rude to me when I didn’t know how to dance the Hucklebuck without it being walked through because apparently I was “totally up my own arse.” This was the first conversation I’d ever had with her, so I wasn’t really sure where she’d got that idea from. I then got involved in some proper swing your partner country dancing, and about halfway through some seriously energetic swinging, I noticed a child of around 6 years old teetering dangerously close to my legs. I swerved to avoid her, totally lost my balance, and ended up kicking her in the head on the next swing round. The band stopped instantly, the child screamed, the rubbish wedding DJ made a hilarious comment about not going near the dangerous girl in the spotty dress, and I was mortified. Needless to say we left rather quickly afterwards.
3. No, actually.
4. Just coffee with a man that didn’t speak. Literally, just sat and stared at me. I think he said about four words throughout the whole thing. I had to be rescued.
5. Fearne sodding Cotton. Though there have been many notable mentions above, she is truly the worst, because she tries to imbue herself with the awful air of credibility. She certainly ruined Hope of the States for me forever.
Oh man oh man oh man I have a new icon! That is the most adorable thing ever. Thanks Matthew!
(And p.s. you were very right about our mutual friend – I am stupendously excited)
…1. it’s great….fact
presumably you’re really tall and pick in short people?
what did she do to hope of the states???!!
oh dear this could go downhill very quickly
Chutters!
AC asked us to be nice! Who has pissed on your chips today? You’re practically pre-menstrual!
ha ha. put my 1. to one side for now. pretend you never saw it. i’m new.
hey there is meant to be a new band out of the ashes of Hope of the States…..called The Northwestern…..llets hope that they can write more than one good song!!!
It’s a mouse. With a spoon.
For scooping its foetus brain out with.
actually, i’d say chutters is in a very good mood today. we’ve had a most pleasant afternoon of chat. so you are wrong D. but yeah, he did ask us to play nice!
i loved hope of the states first album. see if their second album was because of her!! grrr.
i’m in a rather sprightly mood Dylan……fact
and
i am nice….fact
and
yes i am tall…..fact
and
no i don’t only pick on short people….fact
1. Science Fiction – fine in small doses
2. Getting drunk and snogging someone’s sister…long time ago, though, long time ago…
3. Not really, thank God
4.I don’t know about first date, but mine and Mrs. 17 Seconds’ third date was to go to the cinema to see Vera Drake…
5. Jeremy Clarkson, testosterone-fulled wanker.
JimmyB – I thought making friends with the bridesmaids was compulsory.
AC – be gentle? Here? Filesharing? You want this thread, mate.
TWotH – Natasha Kaplinsky. Who could forget. Surprised Mrs. Toad didn’t stick the boot into that old bag. Take the epoxy resin out of her hair and her tits would be round her waist and her face flapping around her chest.
Becky – See, I could probably watch Stargate. I’d be under no illusions that it was even vaguely good, but I’d probably find it enjoyable despite having effects worse than most fucking Sega Megadrive games.
And the mouse with the ersatz mouse foetus brain spoon is all Dylan’s doing. No credit is mine I’m afraid. Song, by Toad: exploiting the wit of vulnerable young internet pish-talkers since 2004.
Chutters, play nicely with AC or he’ll sue your house off you.
1: Not when lycra future-wear is involved, unless (1970s) Jenny Agutter is wearing it.
2: Kissing old lady mourners I didn’t know at a funeral out of sheer teen awkwardness. And probably tipsyness. I don’t know if I’d handle the situation any better these days to be honest.
3: Not me, no.
4; Walking cock-first into a bollard, then spending the rest of the night watching a tosser chat up, then get off with the young lady. That really hurt. Again I was a teenager at the time and again I don’t know how I’d act these days.
5: Bruce Fucking Frosyth. Bob Bastard Monkhouse (I know he’s dead, but I still hate him). Roy Cocking Castle (see above).
Oh… That AC..
1. Star wars is aces
2. nothing to bad I don’t think, getting pied and spoutind shite probably.
3. I have a big beer belly, wear big glasses, am oddly hairy and smell odd, I could never be a trophy husband. Maybe I’m a wooden spoon date.
4. I’m rubbish on dates, the worst ever first date story ever was probably when the lass I was trying to woo recieved a call letting her know her pal had died, she burst into tears and ran out which is totally understandable.
5. Lorraine Kelly.
On the subject of genuinely world class sci-fi, I present…
MEGA SHARK vs GIANT OCTOPUS!!!!!
Roy Castle was a family friend!
TWoTH, her name’s Stupid Kate Silverton.
The BBC have actually started putting that up on the name-caption at the bottom of the screen when the show starts.
I would actually love to be the BBC caption typing person, just for the fun you could have on your last day of work.
just finished reading the sam amidon thread. yes, it took half an hour, reading it quickly too. short people can read really quickly you see. won’t rekindle that amidon mess now though, too much for a friday.
i bet you’re perfectly formed tho……nice
Fancy amending the agreement accordingly?
I’ll have a crack at it if you like.
ha ha, yeah i am.
this participating in blogs thing is very funny and all that but it has a detrimental effect on my productivity levels.
matthew – will do so now…
Jesus. Thank fuck you’re not a banjo player too!
Fearne Cotton just spent a long long time raving about Hope of The States, and after that I could never see them in the same light. Someone that calls NDubs wicked should never, ever cross my music radar, I’m pretty sure.
Dylan, I love you. I think that’s the best present I’ve had since at least last Tuesday.
1) Sci-Fi used to be brilliant. Then they introduced God into in it. It’s all religion and fucking teen-drama’s in space now. So sad. Because it used to be a brilliant Utopian genre. Now is god and commercialism.
2) Told my wife’s boss that she worked for him so that she could provide the money and I could provide the working soul.
3) All the time.
4) Telling her you think sci-fi has lost it’s way.
5) Glen Beck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwgHNtyD54
You told me about that Dav. That Roy Castle friendship thing. I still hate him and want to twist his smug, horrible face apart like a kitten…
I’m glad to see Fearne (thanks for the spelling) Cotton as a popular choice for #5.
She has a tattoo of a tree fern on her arm – fucking spam faced tit, bleuch.
have i ever told the story about me sleeping in Fearne Cotton’s bed……it’s true
RCC
That’ll leave a mark.
I think you mean a stain.
hands above the covers…..all night
Graeme – fair enough, I never got to go on record breakers
Dylan – Rugby… who cares
http://new.uk.music.yahoo.com/blogs/snapcrackleandpop/8314/manic-street-preachers-banned/
wtf
Is that the one about the supermarkets banning their album cover?
Publicity seeking whores.
Banned for being fucking dismal sub-dadrock anaesthesia music.
i now know what AC looks like, and just like moi he has perchant for checky shirts….so he can’t be a bad chap
toad shut it……
i think there are far more offensive things in tesco – what about those cherry cakes that look like tits and don’t even get me started on plums and bananas, they should all be covered up in tesco too.
….DADROCK you listen to Bruce Springsteen for crying out loud
Dadrock is not a question of the age of the listener, it is a question of a particular charicature of an ageing twat who still thinks he’s hip because he listens to Keane and Coldplay and The U2.
Not sure what the recent entries into the dadrock hall of shame might be, but Noah & the Whale are probably not far off.
hip? what is hip my young man?
in fact i don’t understand you definition
Tom, it is something which you do not know and will never be able to understand. Some things simply were not meant to be.
From NME.com
yadda yadda
Sci-fi is my religion, so shush, all you haters!
i never behave inappropriately in formal situations, only online
…. alhto, at my ex-roomate’s wedding rehearsal dinner i did emerge from the corner of a back room, behind the drapery, with my bf of the time having not completely wiped off my face… i was then met by her with “what’s that on your chin?” only to run blushing to the bathroom!
i can only echo TWoTH’s sentiment
age 17, first date with a friend of a friend who proceeded to tell me how he’d just been released from prison (that bit didn’t bother me in the least) and then took me to the dog races (!) and then to Denny’s for dinner where he had to ask for the picture menu as he couldn’t read. a word. at. all. if he had been better looking i might have salvaged the evening, but frankly an unattractive, illiterate, ex-con with a taste for dog racing was beyond my abilities at that age.
oh there are so many to chose from…. how bout this one? Bill O’Reilly, my favorite asshole.
rugby is a mysterious oddity of a sport.
i love twitter.
that is all, xoox
Tart
what the hell is a ‘wedding rehearsal dinner’
1. i read very little science fiction, but all that i have has been great. john(?) wyndham, and a book called “pavane”
2.i once let the rope that you lower a coffin into the ground with slip, right out of my hand, and my corner of the coffin dipped sharply and inappropriately into the darkness.
3. no, but i think i have been a trophy nephew, grandson, and great cousin before. grannies like me.
4. sex with cramp in my foot.
5. all the fucking idiots on t4. they seem to have their own brand of smug, ironic “i dont like anything im just being sarcastic” comedy. it makes me wretch. a friend of mine once threw a record sleeve covered in coke out of makita olivers bedroom window while wearing one of her dresses. “that was a grands worth of coke! get out of my fucking flat, and take off my fucking dress!” she told him. theyre all wankers
do they not do that over there? oh yes, you have to have the rehearsal dinner so that you can spend quality time with those who aren’t ranked high enough to sit near you at the wedding! there’s the breakfast too, that’s for those not ranked high enough for either dinner or wedding proximity.
reason #257 I don’t support gay marriage! (or any marriage ceremony, actually)
Finally!
Someone with a valid point of view on the subject!
You walk through the ceremony so every knows when to do what. Then go to dinner with the wedding party who are in the ceremony.
Or if you are related to Toad, you all snigger through the rehearsal, the whole family thoroughly irritate the priest by totally ignoring him and then you go eat lobsters, smoke cigars and get a bit pisched.
everybody should read John Wyndham…..Science fiction writing at it’s best…..talking about issues in a setting that is slightly unusual to the reader, in order to rise uncomfortable concepts and notions.
“reason #257 I don’t support gay marriage! (or any marriage ceremony, actually)”
It is not absolutely compulsory, poor dear Tart, to get married exactly how the adverts tell you to get married.
The above was when he was a best man. There was, of course, no priest at Toads wedding. Just a mayor who he couldn’t understand.
oh you know i’m a sucker for peer-pressure!
Tart, Ben is talking about his wedding, not mine and Mrs. Toad’s when he describes sniggering at the priest. Ours involved, erm, a big barbcue in the back garden and pretty much fuck all else.
I liked Ben’s primarily for getting American blue rinsers to titter gleefully at the work fuck in a wedding speech.
And the hangover day. The hangover day was awesome.
And the cigars.
so a wedding rehearsal dinner is a thing that you invite people to that you don’t want at the actual wedding, or as understand it…for people who don’t get a good view at the proper wedding?
on both counts wtf?
Weddings are very different in the States, Chutters. You’ve seen the movies. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy was easier to stage manage than your average American wedding.
Quite the opposite RCC
It’s actually the best man, immidiate family, and groomsmen and bridesmaids. It’s the little party for all the people you actually DO want in the wedding.
Close friends and such.
why not just call it dinner then?
Are they actually legally married?
What if this mayor thought he was just declaring the barbecue officially open or something?
Because you do need to tell everyone where to be when at the church/hotel ballroom/function hall first. Then the nice dinner with the people you like.
you actually do have to rehearse… and make sure both parties show up! plus it gives ample time for recounting the stag party tale, hysterics on the bride’s side, and general debauchery amongst the best men/female attendants. you’ve got to have something to talk about at the hungover breakfast post wedding day!
We are, Dylan, in France. We never bothered to register it properly in the UK because frankly we couldn’t be arsed with the paperwork, but we figure a marriage legal in one EU country is legal in any other. Where’s AC when you need him? Ah yes, drafting legal agreements for crazy American ladies.
Oh Dylan. You have touched upon my favourite story from Toads wedding.
The Mayor, asked Toad if he knew any reason that Mrs. Toad was an unsuitable bride. Not quite understanding Toad said ‘I do’. There were about ten french speakers present, including Mrs Toad, who looked a little embarrassed and did the ‘no’, hand crossing throat gesture.
The mayor was very gracious and corrected him.
how cruel of you to assign me a pic of that bucket-faced fuckwitted whore – change it now or you’ll incur the wrath of twoth (now that sounds like a shite sci-fi film)
Whatever, minger.
Right. It’s pub o’clock!
I’m just setting off – see you in about an hour!
1. Mostly Bad
2. Revealing the Groom’s fetishistic tendencies during my Best Man’s speech
3. nope
4. Having to see Howard The Duck at the cinema.
5. Anthea fucking Turner
Haha!
Two brilliant posts to finish the day..
Ben – what makes you think I didn’t understand? I know of several reasons why she makes an unsuitable bride, I just didn’t realise they were supposed to be secret.
Ahem.
Drew, does Howard the Duck apply to answers 1 and 2, by any chance?
Frankly I assumed the small army of drunken scotsmen she commanded would have convinced you to keep that to yourself. There for I wrongly assumed you misunderstood.
I was mistaken. Please accept my apologies; you are a brave fellow.
Just to clarify, I was referring to Matthew as ‘Minger’.
Possibility of some simul-comment confusion there.
It’s got to be the worst film I’ve had to sit through with a girl, although Revenge of The Killer Tomatoes runs a close second. Now I come to think of it I have went out with a few girls with a shit taste in films.
Got my revenge made my wife sit through Eraserhead at the Filmhouse when we were first going out. She wasn’t impressed
Dylan – You can’t have been referring to TWotH. She’s gorgeous – you can tell from her little picture.
1. Good, especially when it’s bad.
2. Probably either making cracks about knee pads at a Catholic mass or driving my car on sidewalks around a university during a play. No cool excuse on the latter – the whole lot was covered with snow & I didn’t realize I’d gone off the street til I almost hit a bench…and then I realized most of the audience of the play was watching me through the windows. Fun times.
Although I’ll be attending a huge wedding in Ireland in July, so this answer may be pending. Speaking of which, my American courthouse wedding was simple & cheap (much like myself;p), while all the European weddings I’ve heard about have been enormous, expensive, and very complicated events spanning several days.
3. Every time I go out with the boy.
4. Spending most of the night in a Burger King cos everything else in town was closed.
5. Out of Ireland’s Patricia O’Reilly. That lady sure is twitchy.
Always disconcerting when I am just having lunch in New York but everyone on here is already in the pub. Anyway great to meet Mr and Mrs Toad and Dylan last week in Edinburgh. We had a great time and Mrs Peej is now officially hooked on Edinburgh. Thanks for the welcome and the mention. Exciting times in Edinburgh await. NYC is soulless in comparison.
1. Science Fiction
Good thing when done well. Blade Runner still looks amazing.
2. Formal event.
I stormed the stage at my school dance and stole the microphone from some dodgy cover band. I started to sing along to the band playing “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks, but they were actually playing “All day and all of the night”. Then I got thrown off stage by the bouncers. Thank you Mad Dog 20-20.
3. Trophy husband
Many times. Mrs Peej is a celebrity in Austin. And she’s having a 15 year high school reunion in Texas this summer. I’ve never been to one before but I think it could be pretty hilarious.
4. First date pain.
I once arranged a date with a girl I met online who had put on a lot of weight since the photo I’d seen. And I mean a lot. This sounds terrible but when I saw her coming I panicked and was able to hide and then jump over a fence at the back of the pub to get away before she saw me. The pain came from the shame of doing this.
5. Least favourite TV presenter.
The guy out of Richard and Judy.
See you soon
Peej
Peej
I know a fellow who thinks your no4 has happened to him.
Just so you know. She knew.
Ben
Yeah she knew. She emailed me this shortly thereafter:
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater.
Invited Leslie to a bar,
But didn’t meet her.
He made more plans
For the very next night,
Yet disappeared out of sight.
Fair enough.
And the lesson of this is never start a relationship with a lie.
Hey Peej.
You mean the masculine, macho one?
Judy?
Right there with you, brother.
1. Science Fiction is great when it involves a sassy robot with big cans. Yes I’m talking to you, Seven-of-Nine.
2. On New Year’s Eve about a decade ago I was plastered at a fancy dinner with the in-laws and was seated next to my father-in-law, who was just then recovering from a surgical procedure on his hemorrhoids that involved big metal staples. The girl who refilled the water glasses at our table had a ton of facial piercings, which amused me so much that I turned to my father-in-law and announced–much too loudly as luck would have it–that her face looked just his asshole.
3. Every fucking day. It’s my cross to bear.
4. Tried to put my arm around this lapsed Mormon chick at a movie and she literally grabbed my hand and removed it from her person. Stings to this day.
5. I was going to say Glenn Beck, but he’s hilarious. I’ve never gotten anything but enjoyment from watching him, so I can’t pick him. So I’ll say Sean Hannity instead.
Cheers on the Richard and Linda Thompson. Gorgeous tune, eh?
Oh, Peej. That was a lovely story, and I’m automatically impressed with you because you are able to jump over things.
Whoever said John Wyndham – YES. ‘The Chrysalids’ FTW. And I learnt yesterday that the people responsible for the new Terminator movie (OK, so there is such a thing as bad sf) are adapting ‘Flow my tears…’ for the big screen. What happened to PKDs relatives being freakishly picky about these sorts of things?
Rugby, like most things involving running (I can’t even say that it does involve running for sure. Oh dear.) has no place in my life.
everyone should go and buy that book………it makes a lovely birthday present….for friends near and far!!!
C&B, that story of the staples kept us laughing through a rather rough set last night wherein a local band diva proceeded to instruct us on the meaning of the word “trio.” It was all I could do to stop myself from yelling out into the crowd, “STAPLES” … and I’d not had a drop to drink, I swear.
and only geeks buy books for pressies, Tom :-p
Peetj, words cannot express the utter contempt I hold for you, but I’m slightly assuaged by your admission of lasting feelings of guilt. You’re an American, I take it? … it shows, darling.
xoxo,
Tart
C&B you are a comedy genius.
Tart, be nice to Peej. No-one wants to fuck a fattie.
That’s it! I want my membership dues back, this blog is utter crap!
going back to trolling,
Tart
hhhaaarrrruuummmppphh
Tart, I am not sure we could tell the difference between you chipping in amicably and you trolling. They both tend to involve 98% abuse.
Oh have I confused this site with menarecunts.com again?
Matthew, I think you may be wrong actually as there appears to be a genre known as fat porn.
I won’t link. Mine eyes!!
Okay. Who got Tart drunk?
Jesus people, you know what happens!
i love twitter
Rugby….who cares?
Ah well, each to their own I suppose. And ugly people need love too.
Just… not from me.
Ugly is as ugly does…….
1. It’s not something I get excited about and I can’t imagine wanting to do it to excess on the whole but I like it an awful lot sometimes. (Can I save that up as an answer for just about anything?)
2. For several years the end of the work christmas party was celebrated by me and IT Dave going around and finishing any drink we found anywhere left on a table. The bit after the end was celebrated by me throwing up on the train on the way home and having to throw away my shirt.
3. I have, once, but it is a crushingly boring story so let’s move on.
4. Either the one where I realised, just as I arrived, what a terrible mistake I’d made and therefore spent the whole evening being a monosyllabic contact-phobic wanker in the hope that I’d get a nice win-win rhetorical question out of it (‘You don’t really want to be here do you?) which failed, or the one where we went somewhere quiet and out of the way only to find that almost everybody we knew was there.
5. I’d forgotten how bad Garth Crooks was until watching a few saturday afternoon rolling scores shows over the last few weeks. It’s a different kind of bad to Ferne Cotton, you get the idea with her that she knows just what she is but doesn’t care, whilst he thinks he’s it.
Matthew from what I remember from back in the day if your marriage was valid in the country you were married in then it’s valid here and you don’t have to register it or convert it or anything.
Yeah, I think it counts as well. It better, because if she gets bored and divorces me, I want half.
Fearne Cotton vs Garth Crooks, Celebrity Deathmatch.
come on……who wouldn’t ‘do’ Fearne……she might be annoying….but she is also damn pretty
So is Garth Crooks.
I wouldn’t do fearne because I remember her presenting that saturday morning ITV kids thing when she was about 5 and it would just be wrong. There are other reasons but that’s good enough on its own.
Which one’s is Fearne Cotton?
Is she the one married to Philip Schofield?
Adam, isn’t that all the more reason?
Does Chutters really fancy Philip Schofield’s missus?
She’s the one on those stupid Ryvita ads on the telly, isn’t she?
http://tinyurl.com/p8trjs
yeah yeah
then click on images
the print your fave one
lunch time!!!!
Chutters, who am I to argue if this what does it for you?
Four-post mentalism really is a bit much, but Cammy managed six the other night, so I suppose I can’t point and laugh at Chutters too much.
Six-post-mentalism is completely unprecedented. Which post was that on?
You really need to add that Recent Activity widget so people can see where the action is.
And stalk it like a crazed ex-boyfriend.
Social interaction, the enlightened exchange of views, keeping abreast of public events, stalking.
All good.