Song, by Toad

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Five Fuckings Off for a Fortnight

Ha ha, fuck you!

Instead of simply vanishing this afternoon, Mrs. Toad and I will be stopping by the Edinburgh College of Art to see the degree show before we fuck off. The exhibition isn’t officially until tomorrow, but as we are going away we have been given special permission to attend the friends and family viewing. If that hadn’t worked out I was all up for crashing it, frankly, because really, just how fucking hard is an art school bouncer going to be?

“Fuck off out of my way you malnourished, over-emotional little cunt, I’m going to see some fucking art and you aren’t going to stand in my way.” Virtually a First Class with Honours performance piece in itself, if you ask me.

Needless to say, I wasn’t too popular at the Glasgow School of Art when I was there.

This week’s five are entirely unrelated to the songs for a change.  This week I have chosen five songs which are deeply intertwined with our relationship.  Not really for any good reason, but the prospect of finally getting away from everything to spend a couple of unbroken weeks with your young lady after weeks and weeks of working late, editing video into the night, uploading this, going to that gig, all the things I find myself doing far too much of these days, is not just a bit of a treat, it’s really quite romantic.  What are you two doing this week? Nothing.  Hanging out together, because we get on.  We get on really, really well.  So there.

And, er, five thingies and so on… de-lurk if you fancy, this is the weekly amnesty for people who don’t want to jump into the somewhat cliquey weekly arguments about whether or not some particular record may or may not be under-produced.  Spit out your five, interesting, entertaining, witty or just banal, no-one cares.  Then talk pish to your heart’s content.  It’s fucking Friday, after all.

1.  What is the smelliest cheese you can handle?
2. If you had to choose between clean pants (no, Americans) or clean socks, which would it be.
3. Worst smell you can remember enduring.
4. Which foodstuff gives you the stinkiest shites in the morning?
5. Which foodstuff can you simply not stand the smell of to begin with?

Tom Waits & Crystal Gale – Take Me Home

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Billy Bragg & Wilco – Hesitating Beauty

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Bob Dylan – Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You

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Tom Waits – All the World is Green

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Clem Snide – All Green

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74 witty ripostes to Five Fuckings Off for a Fortnight

  1. avatar

    Worst. Five. Ever.

    Oh well, here goes..

    1. Morbier’s pretty stinky but remarkeably tasty.

    2. Socks probably. I’m a fairly hygeinic person generally.

    3. They were clearing drains on Leith Walk this morning. That was pretty retchworthy.

    4. I don’t fucking know! Fuck off with your weirdo fetishes! Freak!

    5. Brussels Sprouts.

  2. avatar

    1. Parmesan. I like the taste, but am less excited by the stink.

    2. Assuming that by pants you mean ‘trousers’, I say socks. I can wear the same pair of jeans three days straight. Socks, not so much.

    3. A kid I taught last year had incredibly questionable dietary habits. I had to leave the room one day or I woulda puked all over the feral stinky rugrat.

    4. That’s just gross, Matthew.

    5. Cocktail frankfurts. Blurgghh.

  3. avatar

    1. Toe.
    2. Well, pants are larger, aren’t they. So pants. Also, socks can be turned inside out very easily to extend wear-life, while pants generally don’t look quite right inside out.
    3. When my dog gets nervous during thunderstorms he lets fly with an inconceivably acrid, toxic flatus. Smells like he’s rotting from the inside.
    4. Mom’s chili con carne used to do the trick on Friday nights in my youth. Truly the gift that keeps on giving.
    5. Cauli-fucking-flower.

  4. avatar

    What was wrong with the Italian-themed five I sent over to get you in the mood for your holiday?

    You could have been really classy and called it Fice per Venerdì.

    Jeez…

  5. avatar

    1.The stinkiest, sloppiest Gorgonzola makes me happy. There is no cheese too smelly.

    2. Pants can live to fight another day. My feet, on the other hand, don’t leave socks in a fit state to be used again without a boil wash.

    3. One shockingly gag-inducing minge springs to mind. It’s a rare occurrence, but when they’re bad, they’re really bad.

    4. Beer shits can be pretty nasty. Particularly when they represent four or five days of heroic boozing.

    5. Durian is legendary, and for a very good reason.

  6. avatar

    Dylan, I was leaving that for you lot next Friday.

  7. avatar

    Oh yeah – Durian. That shit is minging.

    So you thought you’d do a poo-themed five instead..

    We could have thought of something else by next Friday rather than have to put up with poo!

  8. avatar

    If you don’t like it, go and read the Economist and see how well your little gems of what you laughably call wit go down in their comments section.

    So there.

  9. avatar

    1. Not a fan of smelly cheese but I recently discovered I like Stilton. I was pissed as a fart on red wine at the time thou.

    2. clean pants, always.

    3. The fat stoner guy who lived next door to me in halls at College didn’t wash for 2 months. That was rank. You could smell him from the other end of the building, no shit.

    4. Any kind of uber-spicy curry. Or Garlic Mayo on chips.

    5. When I was a kid my Mum bought some expensive cheese from the cheese monger in Victoria St. It smelt of rotten nappies, I had to leave the room every time my folks ate it.

  10. avatar

    Hey – I’m a funny guy – but only when I’m given some material to work with.

    And frankly I don’t hold out much hope for your scatological pre-occupations providing me with any inspiration!

  11. avatar

    Yay HP!

    I can eat whole blocks of cheese when pissed. I munch on ‘em like apples, and it’s brilliant. Breath not so hot in the morning, but fuck it, who cares.

  12. avatar

    Dylan – Why not mate, most of your jokes are shit anyway.

    Boom-TISH!

  13. avatar

    If you can’t make funny with shite, you can’t make funny at all.

  14. avatar

    Cheese is something of an addiction for me, I find it very difficult to walk past the Iain Mellis shops..

  15. avatar

    1. dunno….strong Stilton
    2. Pants
    3. public toilets….my piss never smells that bad
    4. curry
    5. pilchards

  16. avatar

    Pilchards are brilliant.

    I love the way they come in little dinky cylindrical cans rather than the normal flat sardine tins!

  17. avatar

    1. Strong as it comes, so long as it doesn’t contain maggots.

    2. Socks. I once hiked through Romania and was away from clothes washing facilities for some time. By the end, all my socks were triple-plastic-bagged at the bottom of my pack. Finally, I was staying in a village that had a washing machine. Unfortunately, the owner wouldn’t let me use it myself, but insisted on doing my washing for me. Upon returning he informed me, very seriously, that he had fought in the army, he had handled corpses, but never had he smelt anything as bad as my socks.

    3. Those socks were pretty bad.

    4. Beer and the greasy food that often tends to accompany it.

    5. nuoc mam (fish sauce). I like it now, but there was a period of acclimatisation.

  18. avatar

    Now my feet stink. Really. When I was in college I used to have to hang my Chuck Taylor’s out the window at night because my roommates would complain. But nic’s story about the Romanian veteran takes the cake.

  19. avatar

    1. What is the smelliest cheese you can handle?
    2. If you had to choose between clean pants (no, Americans) or clean socks, which would it be.
    3. Worst smell you can remember enduring.
    4. Which foodstuff gives you the stinkiest shites in the morning?
    5. Which foodstuff can you simply not stand the smell of to begin with?

    1. I love cheese, except blue cheese which is rank (there may be various types of blue cheese, I don’t know. Don’t really care either).
    2. I’d go for clean pants. You can always stuff your smelly feet in shoes.
    3. I don’t know. I had some jobs that involved cleaning toilets so that’s always pretty rank.
    4. Beer and a burger. Maybe curry. The usual.
    5. Good call on fish sauce, that stuff is stinking. It does seem to add a nice taste to curry, though. It’s probably got the highest smells awful/tastes alright quotient of any food in the world.

  20. avatar

    Chuck Taylor’s?

    Is that rhyming slang for something?

    I don’t know – sailors perhaps?

    Surely the rhyming slang for sailors would be ‘Marleys’..

  21. avatar

    Fish sauce is essential in stir-frying any vegeatbles.

    And the name Nam Pla sounds like you’re speaking Klingon.

  22. avatar

    1. Being the big girls blouse that I am I can’t handle really smelly cheeses.

    2. Clean socks, my feet smell like murder. I am also part of an elite group of heros that goes the whole month of August without wearing pants, http://www.commandofestival.com , therefore the odd pantless day here or there doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

    3. Unblocking a very very blocked pub toilet.

    4. Booze, for a long time I survived on a diet of guinness, dark rum and not a lot of solids therefore what came out also contained not a lot of solids.

    5. Rotten fruit.

  23. avatar

    Chuck Taylor’s == shoes, apparently (thanks google).

    For a few moments there I imagined that C&B was sleeping with his feet poking out the window, which seemed somewhat uncomfortable, not to mention potentially dangerous, depending on the neighbourhood…

  24. avatar

    you smelly footed boys and girls….should really entertain the idea of salt bath for your feet

  25. avatar

    That’s really a rather stylish website for what is quite a silly idea, Dav.

    You’ve been in The Sun! That’s – like – a million kudos points or something!

  26. avatar

    Chuck Taylor’s = trailers.

    You could hang your trailer out the window while keeping your car safely inside.

  27. avatar

    Song, by Toad was mentioned in the News of the World, does that count?

  28. avatar

    Cheers Dylan, Commando Festival is all about style over substance really. Fancy it this year? You’ve got to be out to be in.

    I think News of the World for something ace beats The Sun for something really quite silly / a wee bit rank.

  29. avatar

    the idea of the Commando Festival makes me gag…..you dirty little boys!!!!

  30. avatar

    Loudhailers

  31. avatar

    Enough, Dylan. I’m still grappling with the mental image of an infinite line of trailers, each containing a car, with another trailer hanging out its window.

  32. avatar

    1) What is the smelliest cheese you can handle?
    Any and all comer welcome. Although I have never tried that maggot cheese. I’d give it a shot though.

    2) I choose doing the washing for goodness sake! What is wrong with you?

    3) Sewage of any kind.

    4) Never graded them but BBQ Fest usually does the trick. Vast amount of protein and beer. Yummy!

    5) Hard boiled eggs. It makes me gag. Violently. Horrible little things.

  33. avatar


    I’m still grappling with the mental image of an infinite line of trailers, each containing a car, with another trailer hanging out its window.

    Ooh.. that’s not what I meant – but I like it. It’s got a nice MC Escher mind-fuck vibe about it!

  34. avatar

    Ben – sewage in basements, perhaps. In basements in Canada even. Maybe even sewage in basements in Canada in which one steps with bare feet, perhaps.

  35. avatar

    Don’t look at me. I’d didn’t go wallowing in the soupy sewage basement. That was all you!

  36. avatar

    Although I have never tried that maggot cheese. I’d give it a shot though.

    Mind your eyes. Apparently the little fuckers can leap 15cm.

  37. avatar

    Ooh! I have tapestry!

    Ta :)

  38. avatar

    Well, you did ask

    So we thought you might appreciate a nice Persian rug.

  39. avatar

    Aparently you can buy a special Maggot Face Guard. How can anyone refuse a cheese that comes with it’s own Maggot Face Guard.

  40. avatar
    Ross Allatt

    1. All bar the stinkiest blue
    2. Pants
    3. Had a student summer job over 20 years ago in a laundry sorting through the deliveries. The laundry from the mental hospital was unbearable.
    4. Indian – I love the food, the food does not love me
    5. Eggs

  41. avatar

    sounds like some girls i’ve ‘known’

  42. avatar

    Eggs are funny. They can be one of the most wonderful and one of the most unpleasant foods on the planet, depending upon what is inflicted upon them in the cooking process.

  43. avatar

    I love a good scotch egg

  44. avatar

    1. i like cheese but i’m no expert so i don’t know. but i’m open to trying.

    2.pants

    3.seafood stalls at fishermans wharf in san francisco

    4.guinness

    5.fish

  45. avatar

    FISH????

    I am shocked and saddened.

    Shocked and saddened.

    You are only half a man in my eyes from now on.

  46. avatar

    What’s this about “no, Americans”? Pffft! Just go on your silly romantic holiday and leave us with the nice blog hosts already. :p

  47. avatar

    RULES, TART!

    It was about Americans and your bizarre misunderstanding of the word pants.

  48. avatar

    sounds like some girls i’ve ‘known’

    Am I being dense wondering which of the preceding comments RCC is referring to?

    possibility (a): a nice Persian rug

    possibility (b): a cheese that comes with it’s own Maggot Face Guard

    possibility (c): I love the food, the food does not love me

    possibility (d): all of the above

    possibility (e): something else entirely…

  49. avatar

    oh pants!!

    fine. I just really wanted you to holler at me once more before you hop off to eat loads of pasta and snog the wife endlessly, xx

    1. We don’t eat a lot of smelly cheese at Chez Tart, but I don’t mind a bit of lox spread, does that count?
    2. lordy, who wears pants anymore?!
    3. MChutney went through this terrible episode while taking antibiotics once, wherein her breath literally smelled like that toxic waste dump you have to drive past in New Jersey on the way out of NYC to get to any points west. Not being able to breathe through her nose much at all ever, she was relegated to the guest room for about a week and cried endlessly until we could sort out the medication/food/stress levels and make her fit for habitation again. Just ask her, she’ll agree. She couldn’t stand it herself.
    4. …..
    5. fish curry, …. just nasty, why ruin a good fish, honestly? Curry should be kept for it’s proper recipients: chicken, beef or goat, end of story.

    xoxo,
    Tart – who wants to go to Italy with her wife someday!

  50. avatar

    Silly nic, it’s quite obvious that he doesn’t like the blue girls.

  51. avatar

    1. There is no such thing as smelly cheese. It’s all good tuck.

    2. Socks. I am happy to scratch along the crotch seam as & when required. Comfortable feet are, however, a must.

    3. In our accounts dept. we used to have this old guy called Howard. He had injured his left leg &, for reasons I forget, it became infected & eventually turned gangrenous. By the time I was working there it/he had been undergoing treatment, weekly, for 2 years, but never seemed to get any better.

    Every summer, even with the slightest bit of sun, the office gets incredibly hot (no air conditioning, see, just fans) because it acts like a greenhouse, so it can get quite grim.

    When the IT guy is away or busy I sometimes get asked to sort out little bits & bobs wrong with people’s computers. Howard’s computer went down more than most & one day I was asked to fix it for him. This involved me getting under his desk & switching around wires etc. while he sat there, inches away from my head.

    The combination of office humidity, the heat-trap generated by the computer in the cramped space under Howard’s desk, the stench of the gangrene & whatever poultice the NHS was smearing on his festering limb, was absolutely, retch-inducing-ly fucking disgusting.

    I did gag, continually, even sicking up a bit in my mouth (which I spat in his bin). The IT guy told me afterwards that he physically couldn’t bring himself to repair Howard’s computers any longer because it made him convulse.

    The poor thing about it was no one in the company ever made mention of it to him for fear of offending him.

    4. Guinness. Following particularly indulgent evenings involving the black juice sometimes it comes out green.

    5. Fish. Dirty, stinking fucking creatures (dead & alive).

  52. avatar


    I just really wanted you to holler at me once more before you hop off to eat loads of pasta and snog the wife endlessly

    Alternatively, he could eat loads of pasta and snog the wife simultaneously!

  53. avatar

    Right, I’m off. Good luck with the Three Stooges, everyone.

  54. avatar

    Ooh! Check me without an avatar because I’m all fancy and logged in with my editing rights now and everything!

    I’ll sort that out later.

  55. avatar

    Friday afternoons = wine time, my first drink this week if you don’t count monday…
    1. Really really ripe brie that drips everywhere and leaves your whole house smelling like a bin – but it is lovely
    2. Hmmm, have to be pants
    3. I was forced to work in a chicken factory gutting chickens by my dad who thought I lacked a good work ethic – learning not to complain whilst smelling of chicken has increased said ethics
    4. couldn’t possibly comment, but there are several fitting answers above (a night on the Guinness and old navy!!)
    5. I will genuinely eat most things – no smell really puts me off. If I had to choose, I wouldn’t eat mussels that are in season, cos they whiff a bit.

  56. avatar

    1. We have not been introduced yet.

    2. clean socks.

    3. Homeless man walked out of the bathroom @ the Macy’s in San Fransisco. The gentleman’s fragrance literally stopped and gagged me 1 step in the door. It spun me around and pushed me out the room. Still can’t believe a person could smell like that and be alive.

    4. can’t answer this due to the FACT that my shite does not stink.

    5. hard boiled eggs

  57. avatar
    tosaytheleast

    1. Brie. I have squeamish tendencies about smells, however.

    2. Clean pants. Depending on the weather, temperature, climate, or occasion, socks are often optional anyway.

    3. Being stuck on the Triboro Bridge behind a truck full of something unidentifiable with a gaggingly unspeakable oxygen-killing retch-inducing stench — a mixture of pig poo and rotting corpses, if you ask me. The NYPD eventually pulled the truck over just because of the stink.

    4. Yours doesn’t always smell like roses?

    5. Bleu cheese. Sorry to all of you who like it, but I perceive only the whiff of a musty dishrag that was just used to clean up vomit.

  58. avatar

    DC

    You actually brought back a repressed memory of the worst smell I’ve endured.

    I had a roommate in Uni who would shower once a month, owned not bed sheets so he slept on the mattress with an uncovered duvet. He, to the best of my knowledge, owned three t-shirts (I’d be interested to see his answer to question 2). When he left we had the place hosed down and found a bucket of congealed vomit under his bed which he had never bother to clean up.

    I remember once I knocked on his door to say there was a phone call from him, and had to run to the bathroom to be sick. So technically I never bore the smell but there you go. It fits the general theme.

  59. avatar

    1. im very funny about cheeses, i cant stand stilton or anything remotely whiffy. cheddar really isthe limit for me.

    2. pants. socks seem to be able to take a bit more action.

    3. once spent a few months living in a tiny room iny cousins hals with four boys. lots and lts of smells during tatperiod of y life could easilycontend for that spot.

    4. yeah beer sesiontend to be a bad thing in that department.

    5. sweetcorn makes me physically sick.

    i remember a flat in halls whre the guys nevr eve took out thier full bin bagsan chose to just live with them all crammed into the livingroom. maybe they lied it. heywere te knd of guys wo just kept themselves in a constant suppy of paper pltes, cutlery etc so they never had to ws a dish. dirty dirty people.

  60. avatar

    Did he engineer that, Ben? Rang the land-line on his mobile asking for himself just to bring you to his lair to make you sick? The evil genius.

  61. avatar

    He really didn’t like me. He may have actually. To be fair he had a point. I locked him in his room and went to see Toad in Cambridge for a weekend at one point.

  62. avatar
    actiondan

    1) Smelly cheese gives me the boak. I worked in an italian restraunt, everything reeked of parmazan it was rank.
    2)pants.
    3) A decomposing head in a bag.
    4) dont know probably hangover poops. but mushrooms make my pumps smell funny.
    5)Macaroni cheese. Its my worst nightmare.

  63. avatar

    ActionDan, every one of your answers scares the living shit out of me.

  64. avatar
    actiondan

    what have you been eating? does it smell funny?

  65. avatar

    Well Dan, that’s the last time I order ‘decomposing head in a bag’ at your restaurant!

  66. avatar
    Rampant Chutney Consumerism

    F

  67. avatar

    Excellent, thanks for clearing that up.

  68. avatar

    don’t you people go out to the pub anymore??? we used to get a break from all this vomit-inducing nonsense, ya know.

    no hugs, no kisses, I fear for my health!

  69. avatar

    Same continent as you Tart. I can wax lyrical about smelly pooh and vomit right up until bedtime.

  70. avatar

    1. I’m with nic. As strong as you can make it, as long as there’s nowt larval in it.

    2. Socks. You can always go commando. Or wear a kilt and keep your tackle in a sporran. Och, aye.

    3. A tie between New York City streets in the summer (rotting garbage) and the decomposing corpse in the downstairs flat (Golders Green, circa Easter 1995).

    4. Beer and a kebab with hot sauce.

    5. Any sort of hospital food.

    4.

  71. avatar

    Note to self: don’t ever read the 5 first thing in the morning. Gives new meaning to the term ‘morning sickness’.

  72. avatar
    Rampant Chutney Consumerism

    G

  73. avatar

    1. St Marcelin De Mere Richard which has been left unrefridgerated for several days. A spoon required.

    2. Pants and just skip the socks.
    3. Unclean hospitals. I dare not elaborate.
    4. Large amounts of red meat (to make the stool good and greasy) in combination with dirty ‘beer festival’ cider (for the power) and absolutely no roughage.
    5. Unusually I have to say ‘hot mars bars’. I used to work on the Slough Trading Estate downwind of the Mars factory. On a summer’s day that sweet sticky artificial smell got you right in the back of the throat … and it still makes me uneasy thinking about it.

  74. avatar

    H

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