Friday is Going to F You in the A
Yes, bitches, this Friday is no mercy day. Not really sure why, but Yarrrgh and so on. Actually this Friday might finally mark my DJ debut. I have to confess that a considerable part of me wants to suggest just taking my iPod and sticking the fucking thing on random, but any committed Music Nazi is always going to be happy to force other people to listen to their choice of tunes, the only real question I have is what the fuck everyone else gets out of it. So if you want to come along and point and laugh whilst I break other people’s equipment, then Sneaky Pete’s this evening is the place to come.
Mrs Toad is away, you know. Another week of solitude to endure, and then the silly old bag is home again next weekend. The street lights have just gone off, indicating morning, I believe. So what, though. Fuck you and your breakfast. I actually don’t think I’ve eaten breakfast in about fifteen years. It’s pretty fucking dark actually, so I’m a little surprised to see the council decided that tomorrow has arrived.
Erm, so I’m going to be at work with a colossal hangover and an air of desperation, hoping for the weekend. You, on the other hand, are going to illuminate your day by participating in the Song, by Toad Friday Fives. I don’t care that you’ve never taken part before, and I don’t care that you might not necessarily have anything side-splittingly witty to say. That doesn’t matter – just chip in and then go for a pint to celebrate the latest in a long sequence of weekends.
1. DJs – can you name a good one, or are they basically just a hairy version of the random function which takes a shit occasionally?
2. What is your normal breakfast?
3. Hve you ever DJd anywhere other than your own party?
4. Do you actually like the music they play in nightclubs or do you just go in order to drink more and maybe pull some pointless old skank?
5. Who do you think actually does like the music in nightclubs?
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Clem Snide – Your Favourite Music
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The Mountain Goats – Dance Music
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1. John Peel
2. Yoghurt, cereal and fruit juice. No, seriously.
3. Nope
4. Depends on the nightclub really. I used to go to a club where they would play Pixies, Smiths, Nirvana, Stone Roases and so on.. Great nights..
5. That’s why the kids take the drugs!
1. I’d like to say I once saw Tim Burgess from the Charlatans DJ and he was mint. But other than that. I don’t care.
2. Coffee. Lots of.
3. No.
4. No.
5. This guy: http://www.simpsonstrivia.com.ar/simpsons-photos/wallpapers/disco-stu.gif
1. I don’t really ‘get’ the superstar dj culture thing (there’s a quote from john peel at a ‘radio one roadshow’ from long ago, where the crowd would all gather around at the front – ‘I don’t know why you’re all looking at me, I’m just going to talk and play some records’). Anyone who plays something I’m in the mood for is fine, for now.
2. Toast, tea, coffee. Sometimes some kind of eggs, probably poached if I can be bothered. Sometimes a terrible but fairly cheap bacon sandwich from the station cafe. Today a brie and bacon bagel from the shop near the station at Wolves which was absolutely divine.
3. I used to DJ student nights when I was a first year at uni – i was the entertainment officer for the halls I was in. I would ask people to bring along records they wanted me to play. Regular last song of the night – Dexy’s – The Horse.
4. I only go to clubs if I’m too drunk not to and with a group of people who are going already. I always regret it within minutes of getting through the door (usually just at the moment when I’ve been asked to pay a fiver for a bottle of beer). I generally then sulk for a bit, drink the beer and leave. I used to like things we or People Like Us would organise when I was younger but more general out and about nights? No, never.
5. The thing is, there clearly are people who love it all – the last ‘real’ club night I went to, having been promised that it would at the very least be interesting and busy and fun, was fucking awful, four hours of exactly the same thing being played over and over and over, but people were somehow differentiating between one set of beats and the same set of beats and cheering at odd moments and generally loving themselves. Sorry, it, generally loving it. I do not understand.
1. There was a DJ at a friend’s party who played Girls & Boys once. That’s pretty much the high point of DJdom in my experience.
2. Cup of coffee. Occaisionally a bowl of ProNutro, though I’m not sure it counts as food per se.
3. Nope. Haven’t DJ at my own parties either – just changed the CDs on the stereo.
4. Nightclubs are crap. The booze is more expensive than you could get from your local liquor store, the music’s rubbish and too loud causing the overly-large speakers to distort, and the people generally resemble spastic chimpanzees that have been shot up with a mixture of cocaine and testosterone and are being electrocuted at irregular but frequent intervals.
5. Spastic chimpanzees that have been shot up with a mixture of cocaine and testosterone and are being electrocuted at irregular but frequent intervals. Also known as my peer group.
1. At the risk of showing my age, I’m not averse to a bit of Radcliffe and Maconie on Radio 2. While driving to and from the gym.
2. Fruit and fibre, honegar and orange juice.
3. Briefly at the QM in Glasgow with Dominic and Stuart from Mogwai. Our night was called ‘On Fire’, subtitled ‘uneasy listening’. We played Tortoise remixes at the wrong speed, Bjork/Spacemen 3 mashups, and other things like that. The barstaff LOVED us.
4. In the days when I went to nightclubs it was solely to get more drinking time. Romancing the ladies was a sporadic/stochastic occupational hazard.
5. The ladies.
Actually, I’d like to qualify 4. There were some great Northern Soul and fifties nights in Glasgow in the mid-to-late 90s, at places like Caley Union, the Polish Club, the RAF club, and even the Subby. I liked those A LOT.
1. Don’t really listen to DJs, really. But can appreciate it when done well. Like that Beastie Boys video for Three MCs and One DJ. You know the one. Him.
2. Tea. And – if I have time – toast. I’m not really a morning person.
3. Yes, once. It was actually quite fun, though I doubt I’ll do it again.
4. There’s some clubs I like. If I’m in the mood, and if it’s got the right kind of music, and with friends. Though it has been a while. Legends on the last night at Homegame was a lot of fun – it actually hurt I was laughing so much.
5. Probably not the same people that spend their days arguing over irrelevancies on the internet. (Let’s have a little bit of perspective before we start making fun of other people’s interests.)
There is quite a bit of dance-y/electronic music that I rather enjoy. Just not actually in nightclubs where it is invariably too loud for the equipment and anything halfway decent gets taken off thirty seconds in so that some sixteen year old girl can have some remixed top 40 pap “played for her” by the twenty-three year old that is trying to get into her pants. Which I rather resent.
(Let’s have a little bit of perspective before we start making fun of other people’s interests.)
That’s far too reasonably, Bart. I suggest a drink.
1. TWISTED BY DESIGN in Cardiff. Knows his indie inside out. He’s name-checked in ‘You. Me. Dancing’ by Los Campesinos as a result of his legendary dedication to making students jig about after midnight.
2. Hardly ever eat breakfast in UK, unless its a weekend, I’m getting it cooked at a local caf’ & I’m hungover. I do have breakfast when I travel overseas, though, & I especially eat all kinds of shit when I’m in the US.
3. Many times, but the most memorable one for me was my mates’ Civil Partnership reception. My tune remit was camp indie/dance & I think I pulled it off without too many glaring ‘uh-ohs’. Played only one ABBA track all night, ‘Does Your Mother Know?’, which had Wales’, ahem, flamboyant Weather Man (Derek) legging it back onto the dance floor just after he’d said his goodbyes & left the building; we segued from that into ‘Babies’ by Pulp & then into ‘Superstition’ by Stevie Wonder. I got to choose the happy couple’s ‘first dance’ track so I chose Pixies’ ‘Here Comes Your Man’. Fucking excellent night.
4. Nightclubs are breeding grounds for the criminal underclass. I fucking hate them.
5. Dirty fucking gypos & their crusty-cunt Spanish ponytail scream-faced sluts.
1. In the literal sence, I suppose they do just play records but if they play decent records, are entertaining and aren’t Chris Moyles, I suppose they’re doing alright. John Peel’s got to be the obvious choice though I wonder what he would make of some of the acts on ‘his’ stage at Glastonbury.
2. Breakfast rarely gets my time. If it does, Special K Bliss but that’s usually a midnight snack more than breakfast.
3. I’ve never really DJ’d…unless winamp counts.
4. The last 2 questions are good ones. I hardly ever go to clubs in Glasgow anymore because I don’t know if there are any good ones. These days, I only tend to go if other mates are or if the pub’s just shut and I’m not finished! The only one I really loved, if you could call it a club, was the Glasgow Barfly and now it’s gone.
5. “Dirty fucking gypos & their crusty-cunt Spanish ponytail scream-faced sluts.” Probably can’t better that to be honest.
1. It depends what you mean really. Not into the supersar DJ stuff, but many of my Edinburgh acquaintainces can be relied on to play excellen tunes at their clubnights.
2. Muesli, milk and orange juice. Plus toast if I’m not going training straightaway.
3. Badly, at Black Tape and a similar night back in the mists of time in Oxford. I’m still mystified as to why “Race For The Prize” cleared the dance floor.
4. I can, about once in six months, go to typical night club with friends who have no musical taste and have an excellent time. No more than twice a year though. I don’t like the music, but it is generally easier to dance to than most of the stuff I listen to.
5. People for whom Forth 1 is their radio station of choice?
1. I quite enjoy marc riley on the radio. real club djs – i used to work with one, but he was a bit of a twat.
2. crunchie muesli thing. £1 from somerfield right now. tasty
3. i djd at the forest once. but i was also playing. not really my own party, mind
4. i used to love the indie discos. but now i’m too old and the djs don’t know debaser or sonic youth anymore
5. those people who listen to those nme bands seem to enjoy the disco music
1. I like that guy bart was talking about, mix master mike. He was good.
2. Toast and misery.
3. Nope, I think I’d be shit at it too.
4. I haven’t been to a club in a long time, I do usually quite enjoy myself in clubs though, I think it’s because the thought of a club fills me with such dread that the actual experience is really quite pleasant in comparisson. Unless its some hard-house, hardcore, psy-trance, drum and bass, well anything that isn’t indieish really, kind of club, I’d rather sit in a dark room and cry.
5. People more confident and better groomed than I.
5. Who do you think actually does like the music in nightclubs?
1. DJ – Mmmm. I think maybe it’s not the DJ that counts, but the records behind that DJ. The talking I could generally do with less of. Especially if the talking consists of things like “One time” or “Pump up the volume and move your ass”.
2. Breakfast is for people that get up too early.
3. Nope.
4. I need to be outrageously inebriated before I enjoy nightclubs at all. Or at least past the point of caring about looking inadequate trying to dance. Once that feeling has been achieved though – look out Travolta and lock up your pets.
5. Depends on the nightclub I think. If you have a penchant for pills and/or one night stands you might fit the bill.
Shite, the questions still in my post.
What a fanny eh!
“Dirty fucking gypos & their crusty-cunt Spanish ponytail scream-faced sluts.”
Bart – i think that means no.
Race For The Prize is a great tune.
I’d have been shakin my booty to that if I was there!
1. I can appreciate good songs played in some semblance of order, but should anyone by referred to as a “superstar” for this? I don’t think so.
2. Toast and cereal. (Kids cereal is the best, I can’t handle anything with “fibre” in the name.
3. No.
4. I’m pretty sure I only ever went to nightclubs to try it on with the ladies, but I rarely had much success because I can’t dance and I was always pretty drunk by that point. (Alright, I didn’t have much success elsewhere, either.)
5. Cunts (Is the c-word allowed? Too harsh?)
1. I’m in the minority of Toad readers who’s actually in to techno and nonsense like that so I can real off quite a few. Erol Alkan is probably the man (apart from Mr. Peel) who got me in to it though, mainly due to his club night ‘Trash’ in London that’s now sadly kaput. The dance stuff he does now is nowhere near as interesting to my ears.
2. Bran Flakes and tea or orange juice (with bits)
3. Yes, quite a lot, to varying degrees of success. I’m pretty selfish in my track selections and probably have ideas above my station – this is likely why I haven’t played anywhere but my bedroom in recent times.
4. Generally speaking it’s terrible. Gavin Glove is probably my favourite DJ in Edinburgh though, and he’s usually quite good.
5. If we’re talking about the same nightclubs as in Q4, idiots and drunks – both categories I quite regularly fall in to, and yet I still manage to complain about the music more often than not.
1. i’d have to say of recent DJ’s Marc Riley if only for giving some great local bands airplay. But JP was very influential to my musical tastes.
2. Branflakes,all-bran or weetabix + museli possibly with a bit of fruit – banana, strawberries etc. I can’t function until i’ve had breakfast.
3. No and nor would I
4. WHAT !!! I can’t hear you the music’s too bloody loud!!! And usually shit (not that i’ve been to a nightclub for a while). used to be a geat one in Harrogate in the mid eighties that played all the better indie stuff plus anything anyone brought in. Unfortunately in got closed down for being too druggy (which it was).
5. The djs and anyone drunk enough to not care.
Is anyone suprised Bart doesn’t do mornings?
I’m mildly suspicious of the healthiness of everyone elses’ breakfasts, too.
1. Can’t think of any other than the one’s listed. Don’t think a radio personality should count though, but i do enjoy Zane Lowe…
2. Bran, banana and coffee if i am up in time to have it at home, Sausage roll and coffee if not…
3. Not really, but i did get to try it one night with the proper ‘decks’ and what not – the mixing that they do is actually bloody hard.
4. I generally go in as i want more pints, but when you get there and the dancefloor is full of sweaty people spasming, you have to assume they are quite into it
5. i went through a phase… I think i was just following the crowd, but i am still friends with the same crowd, so i think fairly standard normal people..
zane lowe??!?!?!?!!?!!!!
cock.
Haha – i think we have already had this argument! i stand by my opinion!!
I think there should be a clear definition between Radio Disk Jockeys & actual turntablists.
btb, Chris Moyles is someone I’d happily & repeatedly glass in the neck.
I don’t think I’ve ever understand an entire sentence that man has said. He has never come near to filling Steve Lamacq’s boots.
UNDERSTOOD!!
Bah.
1. Nope
2. Can’t eat for at least an hour after waking up. Because I like to get up as late as bloody possible before going to work, breakfast usually gets skipped. On a day off, it’ll be a banana or a toasted muffin/crumpet or eggs.
3. Nope.
4. Oh good God no.
5. Teenyboppers, bogans, metros…the list goes on.
1 I once happened upon the World DJ championships in Melbourne. It was amazing to watch, but not to dance to. Cant remember their names. I like Rustie though tiny.cc/8wBlF
2 “Strawberry Fields” cereal.
3 I used to “DJ” at the Irish pub Finnegans Wake on Victoria St when I bartended there as a student in the 90s. This involved making mix tapes of your standard crowd-pleasing Irish tunes (Pogues, U2, Undertones) and trying to slide in something which I knew people wouldn’t know was not Irish (Smashing Pumpkins, Belly, Rev. Horton Heat). By midnight on Saturday night, everyone was so wasted it didn’t matter what you played, they would still be singing the Wild Rover.
4. In Scotland I feel I have to go to clubs, because the pubs close earlier, but here in NYC you can sit in the pub all night long if you want. And in fact they still have not repealed the cabaret laws from the 20’s so dancing is actually still illegal in most New York City clubs and bars. tiny.cc/rfCug
5. Guys with no chat up lines? Nah I can still appreciate a good night clubbin every once in a while.
1 Erm, no. I could barely name one, never mind choose between them.
2 Coffee at most. More sleep always beats nourishment in my list of priorities.
3 Ask me again in 24 hours.
4 Drink more. If bars were open late enough I would never go into a nightclub ever again.
5 Upstairs at the Garage in Flasgow was good for indie back in my student days. Which were the mid nineties. Fuck
1. Jam Master J, Jazzy Jeff, Marley Marl
2. Coffee, Bagel.
3. Nope
4. Pubs and clubs are open till the same hour here so I would have to be there by choice. Usually 1-2 times a year to check our roll.
5. People in nightclubs. People in IROC Z’s
1 Andrew Weatherall
2 Mortons roll and steak lorne washed down by a bottle of Irn Bru – proper breakfast
3 Used to do a night with a mate called No Requests Please, never failed to be amazed with people who couldn’t grasp that we meant it. Usually ended up playing to about 20 to 30 of our mates.
4 depends if you mean nightclub or club, the subby was always good and so is Divine! at the art school
5 I don’t know anymore
1 no i dont think djing is a talent personally i think of it the same way as how good a persons vinyl collection is. anyone can have a good vinyl collection you just have to want it.
2 usually just prefer ten more minutes in bed but sometimes maybe tea and toast.
3 i did dj for about ten minutes at our first rubix before i decided i hated it. everyone around you is having a good time while you have to constantly be thinking about what to put on next and you only have about three minutes to decide. how pish is that?
4 nope.
5 depends on the club doesnt it. if were talking cavendish then whores and yobs.
i dont think djing is a talent
I agree, but there is a skill involved – it’s all about how good your ear is & seemless/inspired mixing. That’s when it’s really good.
you have to constantly be thinking about what to put on next and you only have about three minutes to decide
not if you go in with a skeleton setlist – the art is then adding to & subtracting on the basis of the floor response. The 3 mins to decide adds to the adrenaline, but really you should have your next tune set up & be thinking at least 4 tracks ahead
I disagree about the their being no talent. People like David Holmes, Laurent Garnier and Tom Middleton are extremely talented individuals who then moved on to producing their own music.
The talent is in building up the vibe and being able to drop breaks into the middle of the other tracks and then seamlessly beat mixing the 2 or 3 records.
My good friend and wonderful DJ, Dollyrocker of Buttondown Disco. He and his wife put on fantastic party nights at Koko and other London gigs. And having been there for “F*ck New Years Eve” I can tell you personally that he rocks the fuck outta London. It’s by invite only and you can get a badge only in advance so the crowd is really there for the music for the most part.
Toast, tea or coffee depending on it I have cream and time, apple and peanutbutter. Same every day. Creature of habit.
Nope never and that’s fine with me.
Don’t go often, but love the people watching and I sneak some dancing in on the shadowy sidelines.
Anyone who thinks DJing is not a talent should ask themselves if they think it is possible to do it badly (I’ll give you a clue, the answer is yes). If it’s possible to do it badly, then it’s a skill.
A massively over-rated skill, and one often perfected by total cock-munchers, but a skill nonetheless.
And now I am off to add to the number of dickhead DJs in the world.
Yoou know five is always one more question than I can remember!
Most people go to clubs for the alcohol I’d say. It’s one of the only socially sanctioned places we have left for getting totally blitzed and writhing around on the floor (the worm anyone?)
and I should say that hearing Bob Mould spin was a total high! Uh yeah we crowded around him and soaked up all that sex appeal!!
1. No, as I generally believe they are the latter.
2. Coffee and cereal.
3. Nope.
4. I only to those sorts of places after I’ve already had too much to drink – I can’t imagine them as a planned out destination
5. The kids these days.
If you believe there is an art to making a mix-tape or a mix-cd, then there is an art to djing.
Similar rules apply too. e.g. all mix-cds must finish with Come on Eileen
1. DJ Rekha
2. breakfast is the bomb. I choose cereal, hot or cold varieties.
3. No
4. I think nightclubs have potential, but I’ve yet to see it realized. Maybe we should open one and play awesome music? Actually, I’m not sure what makes a nightclub a nightclub anyway, dancing? While they’re not really my cup of tea, It’s hard to be harsh when all the indie kids can do is bob their heads and wish they were dancing.
do DJ’s that use records hate DJ’s w/ MP3′s? Do you have to use records to be considered a DJ?
1. Twitch and Brainstorm were good. Or the chems were. Who knows.
2.I have a wee scone and coffee at work while reading the paper. Best to ease into the whole work thing.
3.I’m the resident DJ of The Living Room a club that has a very select membership of me and Mr Toad every saturday at three am.
4.Nah. I used to bus and fly across the country to the MoS, Cream and even a Rez. I was a Pure/Sativa regular. I’m done with that shit.
5. People who like drugs and tolerate other people also on drugs. Also, a particular class of desperado who believes that being 12 feet away from Carl Cox once a week gives a visible sheen to the thin patina of their self esteem.
That’s a good response from Matthew – regarding DJing – saying that if it’s possible to do it badly then it’s a skill.
The counter to that argument is to ask whether it’s possible to perform that skill while stamping your unique individual mark on the craft. The answer to that – in terms of DJing – is of course no.
There’s a skill to packaging sandwiches on a production line. The people who package those sandwiches are undoubtedly far better sandwich-packers than I will ever be.
But does such a thought cross my mind every time I peel back the cover on a tasty egg salad sarnie? No, of course not.
I reckon being a “good DJ” requires about the same amount of ability as packing a good sandwich – it’s a notable skill – but something anyone can learn with a little practice and experience.
I struggle to see where that elusive intangible talent – the innate ability which identifies any notable artist – lies in either DJing or packing sandwiches.
Not anyone. Just an awful lot of people.
Fucking bastards with your fucking healthy breakfasts. You’re all just weird.
Egg sarnies bleurgh!
NineBall you are wrong about not being able to stamp your individual mark on djing.
If you were to listen to sets by Andrew Weatherall and say the Slam boys, the difference would not just be in different tunes played but would also be in the whole structure of the set. These guys certainly stamp their own mark on what they play. Which is probably the reason that people will go to a club when a certain dj is playing and not when others are.
As for egg pieces, no matter how talented the packer is they will taste like egg.
DJing is definitely a skill or talent. It’s not just a matter of picking, or having the right tunes and getting them in time; in the really good DJs there’s a great deal of imagination and creativity involved. Know matter how much practice I put in or experience I may gather I’m never going to be able to do what someone like Konrad Black does.
There are probably a similar amount of guitarists as there are DJs in the world, the vast majority of both groups are rubbish at what they do.
“Know matter” – that will be the hangover then…
1. Jacknife Lee.
2. Special K because i am a fat bastard and need to lose some poundage. i nearly put a skewer through my arm last night to use it as a kebab. There would have been a queue with Pitta’s outside my flat if I had advertised.
3. Yes
4. I have pulled many skanks, a couple of weeks ago this one guy put so much saliva on my face that when I pulled back my face actually could have been used as a fly catcher.
5. depends what nightclub. Oh but generally footballers, wags, neds, skanks, anal lickers etc. etc.
Well I managed not to break anything.
Blue Skies by Tom Waits was an odd choice, but the rest of it seemed harmless enough.
Blue Skies is pretty harmless really. Sorry to have missed it (and the accompanying bands) but the luxuries of home cooking have kept me in Durham considerably longer than I had initially planned.
Sparrow were outstanding. As to my DJing… well most people are force-fed enough of my musical choices on this site every day, so you didn’t miss much.
1. Erm… my dad used to ‘DJ’ at functions of various types, weddings and the like. He wore a sequinned baseball cap and had a catchphrase; ‘Hocus Pocus, Jimbalocus’. His name is Jim you see. He might have been doing irony. I’m not sure. Oh wait… the question was about good DJs… No.
2. A bowl of Special K and a glass of fresh orange juice.
3. I have never DJed anywhere other than my own party.
4. I’ve only been into clubs recently in order to continue the evening, but on each occasion the music was of the ‘cheesy’ sort. Drink + Cheesy music = Dancing. In my experience.
5. The people who go there in order to dance I imagine.
Hey! Not breaking anything is a pretty good claim to fame. I was “broken” by a DJ once, not a pretty sight… nope, not at all.
1. i kinda like listening to Terry Wogan on Radio during the week
2. Toast and strong coffee
3. nah i leave that to the bigger wankers
4. Depends how you define a nightclub
5. see answer to Q4
It’s nice that you’re are allowing low level racism on SbT……regardless of the humorous intention it is still very wrong…..sort it out please Matthew.
Are you the girl in the red swimsuit off the TV advert, Michael?
1. Dan Deacon. Second best show I’ve ever been to.
2. Toast and tea. Anything else requires effort. A commodity I’m fairly short on in the mornings
3. Sort of. Friends working at pubs where you can plug an ipod in.
4. Pointless old skank, obviously. Why else would you go to a nightclub?
5. Oh I see. Surely not.
1. I’m quite relieved people are listing radio DJs, as I probably couldn’t name a “proper” one. So Adam and Joe, John Richardson or Mark Riley on R6.
2. anything I can lay my hands on in a hurry
3. my head
4. I think it’s probably at least 10 years since I went to a nightclub, apart from accidentally if it was on after a gig. I used to go to something called “Contamination” in Birmingham in the mid-90s when I was into the whole industrial scene, I found out recently the place has closed down and felt rather sad..
5. other people