Friday Has Been Kicked in the Nuts By its Juniper Mistress
Jesus fucking Christ. I think I may actually have a badger living in my mouth. Or a muskrat. Or one of those little yappy dog bastard things which always make me want to feed them to our bloody cat. Gin is raping my brain. Fucking bastard.
To make matters worse, that insufferable weasel Mrs. Toad is malingering at home, lolling around in bed, watching movies on iTunes and generally just doing bugger all. I WANT TO GET SICK! I never get fucking sick. If I ever have time off work it’s either because my back is crippling me, which doesn’t feeling like being sick at all because it doesn’t give you proper sick voice, or I am skiving. Now, however, I feel a nap in the disabled loos coming on again.
Actually, writing the word loo in the plural form there makes me think, not all that surprisingly of… Rebecca Loos! The disabled Loos! I think her pig-wanking episode was the pinnacle of reality TV – the ultimate in self-parody by a medium already happily digesting its own sphincter.
For those who missed it, there was a reality TV programme over here a good few years back called On the Farm or something like that, where the same old cast of desperate E-Listers moved into a farm for a bit and spent their days doing ordinary, everyday farm jobs. No-one, however, seemed to think through the implications of showing one particular everyday farm job live on television: that of inseminating livestock.
So a woman, who was effectively famous for no other reason than the wielding of her vagina, ended up masturbating a pig live on television, and with that particular act removed from the utilitarian farm environment and brought into the realm of entertainment (particularly the realm of ‘salacious entertainment for the means of getting ahead despite being devoid of any observable skills besides the possession of an enormous pair of breasts’, which is Miss Loos’ specialist genre) it turned from tedious chore into bestiality. Which was brilliant.
Why was it brilliant? Well apart from the ‘Christ has anyone thought about what she’s actually doing?‘ factor, which was pretty good in itself, it was such an amazingly clear illustration of what is actually going on in reality TV. These people, basically, are humiliating themselves in order to become famous. They are sufficiently desperate for fame – and fame in and of itself as opposed to fame as a by-product of having a particular talent – that they consider having the entire nation point and laugh at them on live television to be a suitable price to pay for that fame. How much humiliation will they collectively be prepared to tolerate? How desperate are they to be in the public eye? Well Rebecca gave us our answer – desperate enough to wank off pigs on the telly.
1. Most dignity-free celebrity moment on reality TV.
2. Invent a new reality TV programme.
3. Most pointless celebrity.
4. Favourite trashy celebrity (being even slightly worthy disqualifies anyone from this, so choose carefully please).
5. Biggest surprise celebrity attention-whore who turned up on reality TV despite you previously thinking they had some dignity.
This week’s five songs are taken from a compilation I made about seven years ago, comprised of stuff I ended up selling on because I had no room left on my CD shelves. Looking back at what’s on it though, I do wonder what the fuck I was thinking.
Lift to Experience – Waiting to Hit
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Willard Grant Conspiracy – St. John Street
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Dan Bern – New American Language
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Solomon Burke – Diamond in Your Mind
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1. Hmm, I think the pig-wanking wins. Although Vanessa Feltz’s mental breakdown on the first Celebrity Big Brother was pretty fun.
2. Celebrity big brother but with a tiger.
3. Howard from the Halifax ads or that Jeremey chap from Airport I think.
4. Kim Kardashian deserves some respect here I think. ‘And what are you prepared to do to get famous, dear? Oh. Ew.’
5. People like Jenny Bond and Carole Thatcher going on these bloody things amazes me. Really? You’re really that needy?
I think it might be the George Galloway thing pretending to be a cat – way to bring politics into the mindset of the nation’s youth George you dick!
I think that there should be some reality programme surrounding the general elections. I think people would vote if we made David Cameron and Gordon Brown go head to head on a slippery pole with foam filled batons and custard. ‘to vote Gordon out of no. 10 text Gordon to 81111’
Any ex big brother contestant – I don’t give a shit if you won, lost, got humped, got dumped – you have no right to be famous!
Does Bret Michaels count – being in Poison isn’t that credible is it? The fact that he managed to get himself a reality show where 20 girls were vying for his affection and living on a bus with him deserves some serious kudos! One minute he’s frivolously shagging them, the next he’s all ‘I need to know that you are serious about being with the real me, not the stage me…’ Brilliant!
Dirk Benedict on Big Brother. You were Face in the A Team!! What were you thinking?
Woop! Second!
i have a hangover too – which is crap because i showed considerable restraint last night!
1. The testical eaters on I’m a celebrity.
2. Celebrity back alley castration.
3. Laurence Llewelyn Bowen.
4. Paris Hilton.
5. Poor old Paul Daniels.
1) This. Sums up celebrities having to do his sort of stuff:
http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=/&#/watch?v=03SLl3KvMrE&client=mv-google
2) Live camera feeds from the back of pharmcutical and insurance conferences.
3) Joe the Plumber.
4) Sarah Palin. She wrote a book you know. It’s like totally awesome. Her resignation speech was genius. When Shatner read it, it was better.
http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=/&#/watch?v=vpbSwSlP4Yc&client=mv-google
5) Jack Dee. Butbat least he seemed to regret it and took the piss. But it killed him because once you are on a reality show you can never sneer at anyone again.
Nice one Matthew. Get up all firing to hit the Friday five and make up for a couple weeks absence and… It’s nothing I can contribute to whatsoever.
Happy Friday anyway, all.
1. What’s reality TV? I don’t see anything real about any of it.
2. DIY lobotomies. It can only make em smarter.
3. Posh Spice is pretty useless. That Jordan chick ain’t nothing special either.
4. Ha! Not bloody likely.
5. I’d have to watch the shit first.
De-lurker here (in the cyber-world at least)….
1. That whole George Galloway cat incident.
2. I’m going to weasel out of actually coming up with an idea for this, and instead inform you of a talent competition in Aberdeen that I’ve just been sent info about (oh it’s all glamour here in the world of listings) called ‘Who’s Strictly Got the Wow Factor’. It’s only a matter of time before that becomes televisual reality, as all the different forms of trash melt together in one big pot of shameless sequined self-promoting vomitosity.
3. Who the fuck is Pixie Lott, where has she come from, and can we please send her back there with a good thrashing and no supper.
4. Ugh, none of them.
But if I have to, I’m going to say Chantelle from Big Brother, the one that married an Ordinary Boy, for the postmodernist gesture of going on Celebrity Big Bro as a non-celebrity (who also just happened to make her living by looking like another utterly pointless person, Paris Hilton) and then winning the thing. Not that I imagine she contemplated the self-reflexive cultural commentary in which she was engaging before she signed up.
5. Erm, again, my sheltered, tv-free life means I can’t really think of any, but Germaine Greer on Big Brother? Although wikipedia tells me she made some lame attempt to stage a protest while there. Apparently she had criticised the programme before and went on to make some kind of point – sorry love, but you can’t have it both ways.
1. Like Shonagh said – George Galloway was pretty jaw-droppingly odd.
2. I can’t think of any of my own for the simple reason that Charlie Brooker has already thought of everything for TV Go Home, including such gems as “Cheggers Plays God”, “Wanking for Coins”, the horrific “Mick Hucknall’s Pink Pancakes” and the sublime “Daily Mail Island”.
3. Calum Best or any of the Geldof children.
4. Christopher Biggins
5. Germaine Greer on Big Brother.
4.
1. Definitely George Galloway pretending to be a cat.
2. I don’t need to. The best ever has already been invented. It’s Hulk Hogan and basically it’s people competing to become the next big WWE Superstar. Hulk’s tagline when kicking off a contestant is “you’re a gebrone now get the hell out of my ring” – how brilliant is that?!
3. Linda Barker or Perez Hilton.
4. Spencer and Heidi from the Hills.
5. Not sure, but I was surprised it took Jordan so long to get onto one of those shows.
Did I get deleted?
1. That George Galloway moment really was cringeworthy
2. Celebrity Intellect -when the thickest person each week is voted off and has to go back to school and learn to read a fucking book
3. Posh Spice
4. Jeez…Mel B, perhaps
5. Tommy Sheridan
I forgot about Germaine Greer. Fucking hell that was a weird one. Talk about pissing any and all credibility away in a single moment.
I remember her being on Newsnight or something during their ‘culture’ bit and being asked about the first Killers album, which she described as childish rubbish. I was hopping mad, if I remember, ranting about how if you have absolutely no understanding or knowledge of an aspect of culture you have no fucking right to pass judgment on it, for fuck’s sake. It would be like me being an album of the year panelist for Mixmag.
My links were meant to be:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03SLl3KvMrE
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgiqSNNuhQg
Celebrity Read a Fucking Book would be hilarious – with their wee fingers following the words and trying really hard to stop their mouths moving as they try and figure out what it all means!
What, Dev, do you not have reality TV and pointless celebrities in the States? FIVE!
Helloooo Laura. About time!
Sorry Ben, but it holds everything for moderation with more than one link in it.
It seems I wasn’t the only one that thought of a certain George dressing up as a cat. But I caught an episode of I’m a celebrity USA a few weeks back where there were those two fuckwits from The Hills (more reality trash) who walked out of the show saying “we don’t need this shit, we’re real celebrities unlike the rest of you.” Just simply an amazing moment of TV. Really
Celebrity tossing. Take that as you will but I was thinking of a highland games style affair, with the celeb in a helmet being thrown a distance by burly kilted men.
Surely the point of reality TV that everyone who has been on one is by definition a waste of space. I really can’t think of anyone in particular – maybe Piers Morgan? Famous for being a cock and printing photoshopped pictures of British troops. Probably the worst way to get fame ever? Prick.
I currently enjoy Jedward’s destruction of X-Factor. If they win, the whole series becomes a genuine piss-take. I doubt it’s intentional as they are just poor poor “artists”, but I may vote (yet to do that on reality TV).
Any professional sportsman/woman that does these things. Matt Dawson, Dallaglio? I mean I guessed they may have been tossers in real life but I was quite happy in my self denial.
On the subject of reality TV though – did anyone else see Space Cadets when it was on a couple of years ago? Conning some reality wannabes into thinking they are actually going to the moon. Wonderful, wonderful TV. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Cadets
Helmet? Jesus, why would you bother with a helmet. Just fling them. Actually you could divide it into specific events – Posh Spice would be flung in the Javelin style, but you may need to use a technique more akin to hammer throwing to get any distance on Kelly Osbourne.
1. I don’t know if this counts, because it’s not ‘reality’ TV, it’s actual real TV, but when John Redwood was the tory secretary of state for Wales he made a spectacular tit of himself trying to sing the Welsh national anthem. In Welsh. When he doesn’t know the words. And doesn’t even speak Welsh. On live TV.
It’s horrifying, but hilarious.
2. Celebrity Taleban Training. This week Su Pollard and Ainsley Harriot are whisked away to our mountain retreat somewhere in Afghanistan, where they will learn how to fit a suicide jacket under designer clothes, how to bring down a miltary assualt helicopter with just a bag of cement, a 9-volt battery and a length of drainpipe, and they’ll be right at home in front of the cameras – but this time they’ll be tied up blindfolded!
3. Anne Robinson. I turned the telly on last night and her ridiculous mush appeared. What has she done to her face for fuck’s sake?! Botox? She looks like the face on a space-hopper! Oh, and last week when my mum was in town I ended up seeing an episode of Casualty or whatever it’s called now. It now has that Lesley Ash person in it who had that infamous Botox disaster which was gleefully reported in all the tabloids, and Patsy Kensit, who now also has a top lip like the boot lid on a 1983 Ford Cortina. It was well funny seeing those two on screen together. It was like watching Donald Duck’s little nephews!
4. I think Ant & Dec are quite funny.
5. Jack Dee. Although he’s the only person in the history of anything ever to escape from a reality show with any dignity remaining intact.
Agreed on Jack Dee. He was actually quite funny.
I totally identified with him.
If I was stuck in that house I would be up to all kinds of mischief, trying to escape and everything.
You can’t have that much sympathy when they actually have to volunteer to go in, but I take your point. Was he not there at the same time as the Feltz meltdown? That was ace. The only problem was that she actually received sympathy. What a perfect moment for the nation to go: ‘No, you’re not talented, you’re not special, and no-one cares about your attention-seeking tantrums you stupid fucking baby. Now piss off.’
That would have made me proud to be British.
I wanted more headlines like ‘Haha, look at the freak’, and none of this ‘get her the help she needs’ pish. The help she needs is to be locked in a secure underground bunker until I am six feet under and she can no longer cause me pain.
Is it just me or is everyone posting in the future! If your time, not mine is true, i’m going to be well late for work!!
I heart Jack Dee!
Ah right – I think I have to change the site’s time settings manually, that’s why. Whoops.
Also, where the fuck is everyone today?
I didn’t identify with him in any sort of compassionate way.
He just did what I would have done in his position; volunteer for the show, then do my best to subvert and disrupt it.
The Jimmy Kimmel video was funny.
The only reality show thing I’ve ever seen was something called Spy School I think which trained people to be spies. It was quite good actually.
Jimmy Kimmel was good but, watching Shatner read Sarah Palin may have been the closest thing I’ve ever heard to pure comedy gold. Only William Shatner could capture the perfect comic absurdity of Sarah Palin.
1. Janice Dickenson and her backed up colon.
2. I’m A Celebrity, Use Me For Target Practice.
3. Brody Jenner. He’s a third-tier character on roughly 15 different reality shows. Brody, Natural Selection has chosen you to die.
4. That Girls Gone Wild guy. Despicable sleeze that he is, he will at every opportunity try to convince you that taking pictures of drunk, underage women is somehow really feminist and will benefit society in some indecipherable way. He’s certainly convinced himself, at any rate.
5. Lou Diamond Phillips. You played fucking Ritchie Valens man! Stand and Deliver! What happened?
Jimmy Kimmel vs Sabrina the Teenage Hooker was the fucking bollocks.
Sarah Palin is actually her own parody, surely. Who needs to send her up, the silly old mare is already a cartoon.
I don’t disagree Matthew but you have to factor in the %10 increase in cool added to anything by the inclusion of William Shatner.
The Kimmel thing made me laugh right up until it made me cry. There is something sick about the exploitation of people who a are chronic attention addicts and gloating over their downfall.
It didn’t look like he was gloating exactly, more just a very sharp put down when she tried to be a smart-arse. It is a little mean to laugh because what he said was so very true, but it didn’t look like he went looking for it. I don’t know his show though, so he could of course be a dick all the time – I have no idea.
Very late…
1. It’s all but impossible to beat the pig wanking (I’ve thought for a long time about how to phrase that differently but in the end just can’t be arsed) so as a different kind of thing I will suggest the Frank Skinner show interview with Matthew Kelly, on which Kelly pulled Skinner up on the jokes he and David Baddiel had made about him when he was questioned on some sort of child abuse charges (photographs, I think – he was exonerated completely, whatever it was) – Matthew Kelly came across as incredibly dignified and seriously threatening, in a calm and quiet way, and Frank Skinner looked like a complete undignified turd. It was a very brief moment of ‘actually real’ television, the kind of thing which is very rare indeed.
2. Nobody could do better than some of Alan Partridge’s wilder moments. I’m still looking forward to Monkey Tennis. Actually there were also some Roger Mellie ones that were rather good too, notably ‘Celebrity Genital Mutilation’ and ‘Bargain Cunt’.
3. I don’t know where to start. Well, Simon le Bon, obviously.
4. See 3, but without the ‘Simon le Bon’ bit.
5. I’d like to thank Laura for that ‘sorry love’ about Germaine Greer – I’ll say her too.