Friday has Fallen Foul of Five Natural Disasters
This week’s disaster theme came from a conversation I had with Blueback Birthday Boy Dylan last night, but for the life of me I can’t remember how we got onto the subject of total cock-ups. I was DJing later though, so maybe that had something to do with it.
Actually, I know I’ve had an uneasy relationship with DJing in the past, but last night’s effort was brilliant fun. It’s all rather dependent on the occasion with me – too much of a dancefloor and it doesn’t suit the general miserablism I’m into, whereas if it’s supposed to be background music then my stuff can be a bit weird at times as well. Last night was spot on though.
The event was a Oxfam night at Born to Be Wide in the Speakeasy at the Voodoo Rooms. The basic premise was that the DJs (myself, Jane from the Bowery and Jamie from the Oxfam music shop in Stockbridge) would go into Oxfam, pick out a pile of vinyl, and then if people liked what they heard they could buy it on the spot. We did really well, too, I think – certainly I saw about twenty or thirty records get sold, which is good going if you ask me.
The benefit of that kind of charity shop DJing is straightforward: your choice is really restricted. So I went through the old jazz stuff and picked out a load of that, from the really early stuff to the likes of Piaf and Billie Holiday through to big band swing. I did look for some blues actually, after Craig’s sterling efforts on last week’s podcast, but there was absolutely none. Really, none at all, not even nasty eighties blues, which was sort of odd. Presumably people don’t find their old blues records as disposable as their old jazz ones.
Anyway, I went from a couple of swing versions of Crazy ‘Bout My Baby (classic!) and I Want to Be Like You into Goldfinger by Shirley Bassey, then some Johnny Cash. That brought on a bit of a country spell, with Willie Nelson and something of a childhood classic of mine: Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson. My dad would have been so proud.
Anyway, then it was Michelle Shocked, Cat Stevens, Bennie & the Jets by Elton John and then into the likes of Squeeze, The Jam and Ian Dury. I finished it off with Modern Love by Bowie and a spin of A Few Kind Words by Meursault, at which point some hammered fellow came staggering over saying ‘Oh this is brilliant, I’m having this, I love this one, it’s.. it’s…  ah, it’s by I don’t know.. it’s… but it’s fucking brilliant.’ Weird. But fun.
I like that kind of DJing because you’re so restricted that the eclecticism becomes a real positive, you can play whatever the hell you like, and it just makes it better; you can play swing, Willie Nelson, Elton and Half Man Half Biscuit as part of the same set without anyone batting an eyelid. And Jane, it has to be said, was just as bad: the theme to Flash Gordon, Laurie Anderson, Jerry Lee Lewis, moog versions of pop hits, Donna Summer. All in all a splendid night – good work Olaf!
1. Worst DIY disaster.
2. Stupidest thing you’ve said on a first date.
3. Total cooking failure.
4. Stupidest thing you’ve said to your boss.
5. Comedy falling down moment.
Jacques Brel – L’age Idiot
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Grandaddy – Broken Household Appliance National Forest
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Frank Sinatra – Somethin’ Stupid (With Nancy Sinatra)
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Andrew Bird – Natural Disaster
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1. Having not actually owned a place, I’ve not really had to do much DIY. I did manage to temporarily fix an exploding boiler with some electrical tape once, but this was only after the kitchen had flooded with water, so that will have to count.
2. Nothing particular comes to mind, but both my favourite sport and my work tend to provoke an errmm…errr…that’s nice reaction. And then you have to sit an listen to the “Oh, orienteering…I did that once…” story, which is always hideously tedious. I’m not very good at first dates.
3. Chargrilled Toad in the Hole. One of Rob’s flatmates had turned the oven up to cook their oven chips while our Toad in the Hole was in it. I was raging.
4. Yes, I will do that PhD project.
5. Last week I was running in Germany and I ran into a tree whilst looking down at the map. I thought I was fine, but then got massively lost three times in the next 20 minutes and realised I wasn’t. When I finally got back to the road, I had blood all over my forehead and made the juniors I was coaching scream. I now have a rather fetching mid forehead scratch, and my forehead was throbbing for days.
1. I tend to avoid DIY, so no real disasters just yet. I do seem to recall putting a set of shelves up on a wall so crumbly and soft that we couldn’t actually put anything on the bastard things. Looked nice though.
2. Stupid? Moi? I haven’t had any real first date disaster, except when I arranged to meet a girl somewhere and we missed each other entirely because we both waited on different floors at the same place. Idiots.
3. I remember making Thai fishcakes once and putting in too much lime juice, so the mix went all sloppy. So I tried to sort it out with a bit of flour, and then it went too clumpy. So I added a little lime j…. you know where this is going, don’t you.
4. My favourite one didn’t involve saying anything. My second boss was a complete fucking idiot, and seemed keen to imply that we should constantly work late because we were doing our ‘apprenticeships’ (never mind the Masters degree and professional experience). I pointed out to him that Germans tend to consider working late to be a sign of incompetence, because you should be capable of getting your job done in the time alloted and if you can’t it implies that you just aren’t very good at your job. He responded with ‘Well if that’s the case I must be terrible at my job.” Every single head in the office turned towards him and a wonderful, deathly silence descended on the studio. It was great.
5. I was talking to a girl when I was about fifteen and turned to go and walked smack, square, right in the middle of the forehead into a stone pillar. Well done me.
1. Anytime I try and sew patches on jeans. It always ends in tears and a new pair of trousers.
2. I don’t know. Talked about an ex or my cat or something stereotypical like that.
3. When I was 12 and I decided I wanted to make fried chicken. I didn’t know what you put on the chicken, so I just made it up. Since baking soda was white, so I thought might work…It didn’t.
4. She may have once heard me call her a stupid bitch, but she was and must have known it as I wasn’t fired.
5. One time, Shonagh and our friend Stuart told me to run up a wall while drunk. I did (try) and I have the scar to prove it!
Arse, second. Curse you Becky and your retired Mouse Foetus Brain Spoon!
1. Worst DIY disaster – I hate DIY, I’d rather pay some other Joe to do it. But I remember once living in a farm house and helping the landlord fit anthracite boiler. we fitted it wrong and nearly gassed the boy that was living in place……that boy was moi….cough!
2. Stupidest thing you’ve said on a first date – not first date as such, but i had had the first date with this lass, and it went ok, and was trying to arrange a second get together via txt. Anyway this girls was bust and suggest a quick coffee after work sometime, and i replied, trying to be witty and approachable ‘oh i love a quickie in the evening!’ and got the reply that went something like this ‘ who the fuck do you thing i am, i do like that kinda chat’
Never saw her again!
3. Total cooking failure – I overcooked a roast chicken the other week, quite upset me!
4. Stupidest thing you’ve said to your boss – “you’re fucking kidding me! Right?”
5. Comedy falling down moment – one night when quite drunk, i was walking home with a pal talking shite and i stepped over an open manhole……walked a couple of more steps turned around and just gulped at what might have happened.
It was a scientific experiment Dianna – suck it up!!!
1. I am actually pretty good at DIY… I can’t think of any disasters, a few mediocre injuries, but i am a total clutz!
2. The cat thing is bad – but i love my cat. It’s not so much what i say, but the way i say it – ie. hammered! i get nervous on dates!!
3. I am also a pretty good cook! but i have lots of burns… there is a theme developing here!
4. My boss in the pub i worked in when i was younger drunkenly asked if i thought she was a whore. i said yes. Well don’t ask if you don’t want to know! Her husband who also owned the pub was standing behind me though…
5. I tried running up the wall too! But worse was at a wedding when i sat on a chair which had a leg hanging off a stair. i rolled onto the dancefloor in dramatic stuntman stylee! i wasn’t even drunk!!
It always ends in tears, or tears?
I’m not complaining, I’m just pointing out that you took advantage of my vulnerable state and now I’m scarred for life.
By the way, Shonagh, aren’t you forgetting something? Like your 5?
1. When I put shelves up they stay up. They tend to be a bit squint though. I do not have the patience to manage anything more aesthetically pleasing than ‘functional’.
2. I’ve never really done the ‘dating’ thing as such. This may or may not be because of all the stupid things I say.
3. I AM a total cooking failure. The worst effort was probably when I left some lentil soup on and went to the cinema. It had transmogrified from lentil soup to dal to lentil paste to lentil paste on fire by the time I got back.
4. Yesterday I admitted that it wasn’t a disaster if we were duplicating work, as “it’s not like i would be doing anything else anyway”. She did not seem to particularly enjoy that little bit of banter.
5. Walk around with me for a day and take your pick.
Done! I was only rebelling a little bit!
1. To fail at something, you must first have to try.
2. It wasn’t a first date, and wasn’t anything I said per se – but I once took a girl to see a Danish movie called ‘Festen’. The girl got quite upset about it. Anyone seen Festen? Yep. I don’t really need to finish this story, do I?
Worst. Date. Ever.
3. A friend once came home incredibly drunk and decided to make something to eat. The only thing they could find was a meat pie in the freezer. They put in the oven. Then went to bed. Their flat mate was awaken the next morning by the smell of burning.
4. Nothing springs to mind.
5. I once tried to stop my friend leaving a party by climbing onto the bonnet of his car as he moved off. He didn’t stop. I didn’t last long.
1. I managed to get fleas while repainting one of my dad’s flats. Does that count?
2. I tend to become completely uncommunicative when nervous. This has a similarly deleterious effect on second date chances as talking complete rubbish, which is what I do the rest of the time.
3. It is nearly impossible to screw up egg and beans on toast. Nearly.
4. “Sure I can work full time for three and a half months in the middle of my last term of university. No problem.”
5. Running away from a richly deserved pounding at the hands of a friend, straight into a brick wall.
I’m with you on DIY, Fez. Mrs Toad was putting up pictures the other day and the silly tart got out a tape measure, a pencil and a spirit level.
So I stepped in. And they look… er, more or less fine, which is good enough for me.
1 – As I did an apprenticeship in joinery in a previous existence, anything I try to do with plumbing or electricity or wood now i come to think about it.
2 – I really love . . ., I mean like, in a purely platonic way, your sister.
Got up and left and the next time I saw her sister she laughed!
3 – corned beef hash with noodles and beans, even with the munchies and stoned it was rank.
4 – I really think you’re taking the piss now during a performance review, not the smartest thing to say.
5 – Fell off the bar stool in my local, got up asked for another drink, got told I was too drunk and proceeded to get a one month ban for swearing and commenting on the landlord’s outrageously bad toupee.
AnotherDave, that DIY disaster must won points for sheer obscurity.
1 – As I did an apprenticeship in joinery in a previous existence, anything I try to do with plumbing or electricity or wood now i come to think about it.
2 – I really love . . ., I mean like, in a purely platonic way, your sister.
Got up and left and the next time I saw her sister she laughed!
3 – corned beef hash with noodles and beans, even with the munchies and stoned it was rank.
4 – I really think you’re taking the piss now during a performance review. Not the smartest thing to say.
5 – Fell off the bar stool in my local, got up asked for another drink, got told I was too drunk and proceeded to get a one month ban for swearing and commenting on the landlord’s outrageously bad toupee.
for anyone that doesn’t know, Festen
There were horrible shag carpets all over the place which hadn’t been cleaned for several years and the former tenants had been slung out for not taking care of the place. It wasn’t fun.
1. I do very little DIY these days. Used to help my dad a lot but haven’t done more than painting or putting ikea stuff together for a long time. And lets face it, my 9 month son could manage ikea stuff.
2. Can’t think of anything I’ve said, but a good friend did once ask a really hot american girl if she “liked Macgyver?” whilst they were getting to know each other. They did not get to know each other well.
3. I don’t think I’ve ever had a total cooking failure. When I lived in Holland my friend once cooked us rice with a stroganoff sauce when we got back to her flat hammered. It tasted amazing, even though she used pudding rice. When we tried it sober it was horrific.
4. Again, like Matthew, I never said anything. But my old boss once came through and asked if anyone wanted a cuppa. I was feeling ill at the time and had been told to drink peppermint tea. When I asked for that he asked “are you a poof or something?”…..problem being that my mate across from me was and though he hadn’t really told anyone, it was a well known fact. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my idiot boss came back across and apologised to me as “he didn’t want to offend anyone”…….what? anyone who might be gay but hasn’t admitted it yet? twat.
5. Tried to cycle drunk in Holland. very drunk. can’t recall how many times i fell down trying to get on my bike. lots i think.
I liked my friend’s story about a meeting they had with their boss:
Boss: “Well, I think that about covers everything. I just wanted to have a word with you about your slight attitude problem”
Friend: “Fuck off, Stuart.”
Boss: “Right. Well that concludes today’s Performance Management Review. Thanks for your time.”
i once got my arse kicked from my old boss, cos one of my workmates said i ‘looked like a smelly tramp’, and i told him ‘to go and fuck his mother’
happy days…..
1. I’ve been disasterless so far. I’m a work shy sweat dodger though…
2. I once fell asleep in Pizza Paradise on a date. Woken up by a waiter. Alone. We had been drinking for a long time though, I was suprised she noticed the lack of conversation at all.
3. See answer 1.
4. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. I used to work on a mushroom farm for a while when I was younger and occasionaly we would pick the biggest, wettest shroom we could find, wait till he wasn’t looking and then launch it at his head. Ragin.
5. First time I was in New York I remember being so awestruck that I was constantly looking up at the skyline. Failed to notice a large railing stuck in the middle of the sidewalk and walked right into it, winding myself pretty severely. Big crowd gathered to watch small embarrased boy with breathing difficulties.
Bart’s friend is my new hero!
How was Withered Hand last night, by the way?I had to run out, which was really annoying.
1) I managed to take the wrong end off a radiator twice without having switched off the water supply at the stopcock. We had a fair proportion of Kielder Reservoir in our front room. I Also got a lifetime exclusion from DIY.
2) See if you can find a better stick for conkering, ok at 7 years old maybe but not at 20 with the future Mrs C
3) Cooked steak for 25 minutes in a frying pan on Xmas day. We had to gatecrash a friends lunch, the good thing is no one says go away at xmas.
4) Hang on while I score some dope….he shouldn’t have phoned me at Glastonbury.
5) An 8 yard staggerfall landing at the feet of a pal and I’ll I should have done was rugby tackle him and I’d have gotten away with it.
1) I failed to clean the gutter which led to them overflowing down the side of the house, and leaking into the basement.
2) Oh Christ. Told a girl I was seeing someone else is probably the stupidest in a long catalog of dumb things I’ve said when taking a girl out.
3) I just can’t make a good tomato sauce. It’s hard to get just right certainly but I have tried about five and cannot get it right.
4) “If you need me to I’ll say I respect you”.
5) While carrying a $5000.00 violin. it survived but it took cat like reflexes and a total disregard for my own safety and dignity.
1) I failed to clean the gutter which led to them overflowing down the side of the house, and leaking into the basement. Half our basement was under a few inches of water.
2) Oh Christ. I told a girl I was seeing someone else which is probably the stupidest in a long catalog of dumb things I’ve said when taking a girl out.
3) I just can’t make a good tomato sauce. It’s hard to get just right certainly but I have tried about five and cannot get it right.
4) “If you need me to, I’ll tell you I respect you”.
5) While carrying a $5000.00 violin. It survived but it took cat like reflexes and a total disregard for my own safety and dignity.
1 onion chopped
3 cloves of garlic chopped
1 dried Chilli
dried Italian type herbs teaspoon of
fresh Basil chopped
3-4 cans of whole toms (good ones)
salt and pepper
Balsamic vinegar spalsh of
a couple of glugs of good olive oil
put a pan on a low/med heat, put one glug of oil in the pan, once oil is heated put in the onion, garlic, chilli, and dried herbs, cook for 5-7 mins without browning the onion. put the toms in trying not to break them bring to the boil then lower heat to a good simmer. cook for at least 45 mins without covering, stir once in a while. take off heat, put the other glug of oil in with the a splash of balsamic. use a masher to break up the toms, sprinkle the chopped basil and season and serve how you wish.
WH was as awesome as ever.
Last one, I promise.
5. Once my friend went to the pub on his bike, reasoning with his girlfriend he wouldn’t be out late as he had to cycle home.
He ended up staying much later than he had intended, getting much more drunk than was probably necessary. At closing time, he set off on his bike.
He fell off numerous times, but was drunk enough to not feel the pain too badly. Some time later, he made it home – got undressed, and crept into bed without waking his better half.
He awoke to the panicked screams of his girlfriend. She had awoken at first light, and found herself face to face with her comatose lover, – whose face was covered in (now dried) blood from the drunken bike ride the night before.
I don’t want to do anymore work today at all. Trying to finish off a PhD is really, really rubbish.
My mouse foetus brain spoon may be retired, but I’m still using far too much of the tritiated Western Diamondback Rattlesnake venom to have any fun. When will this end?!
1. Worst DIY disaster – Drunk group wallpapering. Don’t do it, kids.
2. Stupidest thing you’ve said on a first date – It’s been so long since I’ve been on a first date that I can’t remember many details. To be honest, I was normally half-pished for first dates due to nerves so I probably said lots of stupid things. I was once sick on a first date through drink, does that count? I must’ve impressed him though as the daft bastard has stuck with me for 12 years now.
3. Total cooking failure – I once burnt a pot of onion chutney as I forgot all about it, but I’m a dab hand in the kitchen so can’t think of any major fails. Go me!
4. Stupidest thing you’ve said to your boss – I try to not really talk to my boss. Which is easy done given he’s in London, I’m 400 miles north and we live in the wonderful world of email. I did tell an old boss from my student days that she was a grumpy cow, but I don’t consider that stupid as it was true and I fucking hated that job.
5. Comedy falling down moment – For my 12th birthday I was given a pair of long-longed-for roller skates which I immediately put on for a test drive. My parents lived at the top of a rather steep hill (can you see where this is going yet?) and I lost control as I careered down it, only coming to an abrupt stop when I battered, legs akimbo, into a lampost. One leg went left, the other right. I had a massive lump on my forehead, a rather bruised ‘front bottom’ (as my mum would say) and for the first time ever realised how glad I was not to be a boy.
1. There’s a man about to do that sort of thing thank you.
2. It’s been so long I literally can’t remember. Random wittering, inappropriate drunkeness or an unholy alliance of the two probably.
I don’t expect Wilf will admit to having excessive flatulence on the way to what I think was our first date (seeing PJ Harvey and a bunch of dancers doing Dance Hall at Louise Point in Newcastle), then telling me afterwards how much he fancied the dancers. So I’ll do it for him shall I?
3. I invited a friend round for dinner and then set fire to it (accidentally, obv, it wasn’t one of those show-offy sizzling things). We then went out for what is still the worst pizza I have ever eaten. It had random things like cauliflower on it.
4. “I think I made a big mistake in coming here”
5. Oh god, I’m always falling over. Even sober. Fell off a chair at a works do for no reason (other than drunkeness), to general hilarity (except for me).
1. not done enough to have any disasters.
2. not really said anything too bad but i once got out of a first date by telling a girl that i had ‘mental issues’ and that it was probably best for her if we didnt bother.
3. nothing springs to mind.
4. twenty minutes into my first day at a new job i said to my new boss “em i think i might be a little too drunk to work today. i think its best if i just go home and come back tomorrow” ah the utter balls you have when your a young student.
5. many lamp posts have damaged me.
1. Haven’t had a DIY disaster. That said there’s a mirror in my flat that I’ve been meaning to hang for about a year, maybe I’ll do it this weekend. Probably not.
2. I’ve not really said anything that daft on a date I don’t think, Kirsty would probably tell you differently but hey – ho.
A friend of mine did quite a good one. He was drinking with some pals, when he realised that there was a girl in his group who he recognised but couldn’t place. It puzzled him all night. Later in a club they started getting close, she asked him to go home with her when all of a sudden he realised who she was and shouted out “YOU’RE THAT GIRL FROM THE QUEENS NOSE”, it turned out that the girl now walking away from him was once harmony from the popular childrens telly programme.
3. While at uni I went through moments of real poverty, during one of these bouts I made a meal from all my flatmates various leftovers mixed together. It was described as earthy.
4. I used to work in a lesbian coffee shop in Galway, one time when it was daft busy I saw my boss kiss her girlfriend and shouted “SEE INSTEAD OF FISTING YOUR GIRLFRIEND MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE ME A HAND”, she found it funny, as did her girlfriend. Some of the customers, however, did not.
5. I once woke up staring at a chip. I can only imagine that I dropped said chip, tried to pick it up, fell over, decided I was comfy, fell asleep.
Staring at a chip, Dav, or tenderly spooning with it?
Becky – come on, there’s no such thing as too much diamondback rattlesnake venom, surely.
What does ‘fould’ mean?
it’s taken you over 4 hours to notice that
Flora, you and I have a little something in common. On my very first date with Mrs. Toad I was so nervous that on the train up from London I polished off a bottle of wine, several beers and then started drinking vodka with the chancers in the smoking carriage.
I got to about Berwick and realised that in my state this date was in danger of being a total write-off.
So I girded my loins, went to the (nasty) train toilet, stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up as much as I could get out. I then rinsed, brushed my teeth and spent the last half hour of the journey drinking as much water as I could.
I arrived at (pre)Mrs. Toad’s house just about compus mentus only for her to open a bottle of champagne. Consequently I have absolutely no memory of our first night together. Fortunately, I don’t think she does either.
At least you managed to get the vomming out the way before the date commenced. That’s good planning. I was sick in a doorway mid-date while he held my jacket. What a gent.
Those were the days, the Friday night smoking carriage on the last train to or from london was a legendarty pissup,.
The smoking carriage was always bedlam, absolutely without exception, and the longer the journey went on the more mental it became.
1. I once stripped all the paint off a midnight-wine stratocaster with Nirto Mors.
After it was done I thought I’d give it the old ‘rub-down’ with beeswax.
I got it signed by Biffy Clyro.
It wasn’t really that much of a disaster, then, I suppose.
2. I’ve never been on a date that went badly.
3. I’m still getting to grips with a bread-maker I got 6 months ago.
Crumpet-esq bread, anyone?
4. I got off an hour and a half early to travel into Edinburgh to see Withered Hand in Avalanche. And he’s still to forgive me.
5. If you don’t count all the times I’ve walked into people/lampposts texting, then it would have to be the time I slipped down Pleasance.
People who walk into lamp-posts whilst texting are experiencing nature’s justice. Tough tits.
I just realised my flatmate would be Bart’s perfect first date material after checking out that link to Festen. Her idea of a cosy day in with a duvet during a cold was trying to watch the whole of Dekalogue.
And Matthew, it’s not any old snake venom. It’s radioactive snake venom! (And still not in any means or form exciting.)
RADIOACTIVE SNAKE VENOM IS ALWAYS EXCITING!
Can you scratch me and spill a bit in and give me superpowers please. I’ve always wanted superpowers (good ones of course – Gin-Sponge Man doesn’t really have the same ring to it as the The Avenging Diamonback Cobra of Summary Justice!)
I’ll have to do it in a canny way so you don’t notice and discover your super powers little by little. Or just feel a bit unwell. You can never tell with this old superhero creation lark, it’s a bit of a bind.
I wouldn’t. I honestly think that chances of me using any superpowers for good would be vanishingly small.
“Ahh, I am invincible! Now I will stamp on June Sarpong’s star-fucking face and make sure that Kasabian never record another album. Mwah-hah-ha-oh look some gin.”
Nothing in the world could ever be cooler than a mouse foetus brain spoon, apart from – oh I don’t know – radioactive snake venom!
In all seriousness, is Becky actually a superhero?
1. I converted a free-standing shelf unit into a set of shelves attached to the wall for some reason. They looked stupid and didn’t work, but then I was fourteen.
2. “Shall I make a curry?”, which leads neatly into question three.
3. I once made a beef curry and I thought it would be a good idea to add loads of flour to thicken it. It had the consistency and flavour of wall plaster. The evening wasn’t a success.
4. I’m not typing my answer to question four on here.
5. I once fell off a cliff at a campsite up near Dornoch. My mates all found that quite funny.
I don’t think she is a superhero, I think she is the mastermind behind a secret team of superheroes. They probably have a cave deep in the rocks under Arthur’s Seat or something like that.
If I had a team of superheroes at my disposal, do you really think they’d still feel able to play Toploader on the radio?! I almost exploded with anger for a moment back there.
1. I am know wondering why I allowed my ex when we were together to paint the bedroom orange. When my wife moved in she hated it, and the cream works much better.
2. Slagging off Zero 7 early on in our relationship may not have been a good move; nearly got dumped – but my wife married me anyway.
3. Oh Lord…making someone a cup of tea when I was sixteen and on work experience which had washing up liquid was not an inspired move.
4. Any occasion when I have been honest has usually landed me in hot water.
5. Singing in a very solemn piece of classical music at Canterbury Cathedral as a student my trousers fell down. It was a requiem but everyone was pissing themselves laughing!
Mrs. bloody Toad did that! Four fucking coats of white it took, before her fucking dark blue bedroom was (mostly) normal again. Silly sod.
1. I once tried to fix my ford escort van and dropped a screw into the distributor and couldn’t get it out so left it and put everything back together. Funnily enough it didn’t run very well untill i got my dad to have a look at it !!
2. apparently see I are scientist.s reply !!! They were nice dancers mind !
3. Once cooked Christmas pud by placing the plastic container it was in into a pan of hot water and left it far far to long. I was left with no pudding !!! and a very smelly flat.
4. probably said yes i’ll do that when I really wanted to say fuck right off.
5. Lots of drunken falling on my arse but the most memorable was 1/2 an hour into a long days walking with H and a friend. Whilst trying to jump a small river I managing to slip and end up sat in said river up to my waist. Had to spend the next few hours walking in very wet pants, nice
1. Nothing awful, I usually avoid anything that might end in disaster. I did however piss about with a nail gun which I didn’t think was on/loaded, and missed my pal’s head by about an inch when it turned out to be very much on and loaded.
2. Oh pretty much anything I say on any date is stupid. Best one, though not on a date, was to an American girl who upon finding out I was Scottish asked me to “say something Scottish”. Mind went blank, and I replied with “get in ma belly” in the style of Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. She was unimpressed.
3. Again no cooking disasters, but did put a pair of jeans in an oven to dry since I needed them for that night and had no other fast drying technology available. You can see where this is going can’t you? Yes, jeans went on fire when i forgot about them. I still wore them to the pub that night, even with large holes and scorch marks.
4. When working in a supermarket we changed ownership and a new manager came in. Straight off he took a dislike to me, mostly because he thought I was useless at my job and I’d regularly do better than anyone else in my department, proving him wrong. We had “clear the air” talks at one point which turned into something from a comedy film, as he said “you don’t like me, i don’t like you” to which I, being a smartarse, answered that I didn’t have a problem with him. He reitterated that he didn’t like me then, to which my response was “well it’s hardly my fault you are a c**t is it?”. I left that job shortly after.
5. Oh, many, though these days I’m good at keeping my balance. Have walked into things, fallen into roadworks and off walls. Most amusing – to everyone who saw it, but not much fun for me – was leaping over what seemed to be a small wall, not knowing till i was over it that there was a drop of about 10 foot behind it. Happily only my dignity was wounded.
Jim, you may well win at boss chat. That’s brilliant!
Wilf, ask Mrs. Toad about me accidentally falling into surprisingly deep pools of water. I too have a track record.
No Jim, it was not your fault he was a cunt.
It made me laugh though…
It really wasn’t my fault he was a cunt! I tried to be nice, honest. The part I enjoyed the most was one of the assistant managers, who I got on with just fine, overhearing, trying to pretend she hadn’t heard, failing miserably and laughing her head off while my boss looked like his head would explode.
My other favourite part was not paying for a drink for the next two weeks when out with workmates after they heard about it.
Matthew, that sounds like a DJ night I’d have loved to have attended! Love when DJs can indulge the eccentric and eclectic. The boom-shakka-lakka stuff can get very tiring.
1. I don’t do the DIY thing.
2. “Let’s go in here, it’ll be quiet and we won’t be bothered”. Everybody I knew was there. Everbody. They cheered when we walked in.
3. I cooked some skate in a lime and chilli broth (check me!) and decided to have the leftover broth as a kind of thai fishy soup the following day for lunch. It was cheek puckeringly inedible. I’m sure it would have made a very effective toilet cleaner.
4. When I was on teaching practice one of the things I had was observing one lesson a week by the Head, and when we saw him in the morning he said ‘we’re just doing a test this afternoon’ I smiled and said ‘so I can just go off and have a free lesson to work in then!’. He never spoke to me again.
5. A late night card game, in fact I think it was christmas night. I leaned back on my chair and slyly grinned, cowboy stylee. At the point of overbalancing I remembered that we were sitting on a little raised area in the middle of the flat. A friend who was there said the change on my face as I realised what was about to happen, frozen in time at the tipping point for a good three seconds, was one of his favourite things.
Well, I figured Adam can’t always be the last one joining in here, now can he?
1. Worst DIY disaster. – trip to IKEA wherein I bought shelves which were never hung (still hidden behind the sofa), spent $50 on cookies and jam, got insulted by not-so-handsome store help for ramming giant cart into him on the way out, lost car in parking lot (for over an hour, roamed with key fob in hand, endlessly clicking, sobbing in the cold, harsh, windy night), and vowed to never return (still haven’t, two years later). Let’s not mention it again, ok?
It’s always funny to see the little middle-aged lady get knocked down by the 7 ft., angry, wannabe-punker as he plows his way through the crowd. Some cutie picked me up off the floor each time, so it was kinda worth it.
2. Stupidest thing you’ve said on a first date. – “Oh, him? Don’t worry, he usually sleeps through this.” (ok, it was only my roommate, who was snoring in next room, but date didn’t know and thought it was my husband and grabbed clothes, ran out the door and never came back, whereupon I burst out laughing, actually waking said roommate who had a good laugh with me and eventually became ex-bf.)
3. Total cooking failure. – moi? please!
4. Stupidest thing you’ve said to your boss. – I once narc’ed on a co-worker who was driving me crazy and told boss’ wife that she was being called a cunt (very much worse over here) by what she thought was her favorite employee, which only really made me look more like one (cunt that is). Amazingly, they all forgave me, but I attribute that to the fact that I daily changed clothes in the locker room downstairs along with everyone else (I was the only female employee – the exhibitionism goes way back.)
5. Comedy falling down moment. – hmmm this one is hard, I’m pretty graceful actually… and low center of balance being so short! I guess being at RiotFest a few weeks ago was the most falling down I did in my life, but that was more because I was shoved, and it was pretty comedic to those around me
Matthew, if you were a superhero I’m quite sure gin would be your kryptonite!