Friday Had Five Sherries too Many
I remember reading an article in Metro recently where someone actually did the sums on just how much Father Christmas would have to drink, how many miles he would have to cover and how many present he would have to carry in order to deliver presents to every little child in the world in one night (not the Muslim, Hindu or otherwise slightly dusky-skinned babies of course, because Jesus doesn’t love those babies and the chapter on Father Christmas came right after the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and John in the Bible as we all know – Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Saint Nick, as they are more properly known).
Anyway, the bit which amazed be about that article was the sheer banality of it. Every child has a bit of an epiphany quite early in their lives when they realise the monumental job FC would have getting round to every child in the world in one evening (the divisive bigotry of religion tends to be something we pick up later, so we still think the poor babies from heathen countries might be included at this stage – sadly this is not the case – poor heathen babies). ”Really?” we say to ourselves, or more usually to our Mums and Dads, “all the children in the whole world?” and that first little bit of the Father Christmas myth begins to crumble. It’s a short leap from that to setting fire to kittens as a teenager, and so the diabolical spiral to a cynical, loveless death alone in a bedsit, bony, transulcent fingers clutching that one last bottle of gin desperately in our dying grasp has begun.
So, er, anyhow, how was your Christmas? This is going to a deserted, surreal Friday Five I think. Most normal people will be enjoying nurturing time at home with their family and friends, leaving the internet to the desperate and the lonely and obsessive internet weirdos like myself. And, hopefully, you. The deserted plains of Planet Toad will be forgiving place to introduce yourself to the fives this week I would imagine, given the usual cacophony of ridiculous nonsense will presumably be somewhat dampened, so what better time to delurk, chip in, and relieve the belly-bursting gluttony of the immediately surounding forty-eight hour period.
1. Which day do you predict will bring your worst hangover of the Christmas period?
2. Describe your worst present (if you dare).
3. Favourite Christmas trilogy you absolutely have to watch over the Festive period?
4. Favourite TV programme Christmas Special.
5. At what time will you get sick of all this festive shit and just fuck off down the pub to get scooshed
Johnny Cash – Solitary Man
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The Holy Modal Rounders – The Cuckoo
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Bob Dylan – Tangled Up in Blue
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Alela Diane – Pieces of String
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These are all taken from my parents’ music collection. Admittedly, some of it might be in my parents’ music collection because I insisted they put it there, but that still counts. Obviously, I can’t take credit for Bob Dylan, The Holy Modal Rounders or Johnny Cash.
I will actually be doing a podcast tomorrow, but it may be a little late as I am finally going skiing for the first fucking time in about ten fucking years.
1. I reckon the 27th, because by Boxing Day I’ll have given up behaving.
2. Soapstone seals… oh no, that was two years ago.
3. Lord of the Rings may be overtaking the classics like Indiana Jones, Star Wars or Back to the Future, just because it’s so looooong! Oh, and has Orcs.
4.Blackadder. Easy.
5. Maybe an hour or so before that happens.
1. today
2. pyjama tshirt/short combo i got from parents today
3. bourne
4. the office
5. no need most of my prezzies feature alcohol this year (cept the jammies hence the worst prez nom)
1. Likely tonight – I tend to get hungover early, and we’re starting the day with too many mimosas.
2. This year, my mother gave me a Sudoko-a-day calendar. “You like those things,” quoth she. My arse. Pissers, all of ‘em; I HATE math. We’ll be regifting ASAP.
3. Trilogy? Likely the Die Hard movies, the first two of which, at least, take place at Xmas. We’ll skip the most recent installment, so it counts as a Tri.
4. Believe it or not: the original Sesame Street Christmas Special, especially since the character of Olivia passed last week. Second place: Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Xmas. I like Muppets, what can I say.
5. Whenever all these people leave, and the pubs open again tomorrow.
I have just sat down for some Christmas day thesis writing and realised it was Friday! Yey!
1. Today, and it really wasn’t that bad at all. Cutting off all your hair is good for avoiding people from school you never want to see again.
2. Mum bought me a whole armful of those boy style pants in garish colours. They may also be too big, but I am yet to check this out.
3. Pass. I am generally avoiding the TV in favour of thesis writing. I prefer my books.
4. Top of The Pops. Love it. Though it was a mixed bag this year.
5. I think I already have, but substitute “pub” for “study.” Rubbish.
1. Which day do you predict will bring your worst hangover of the Christmas period?
That was hopefully Xmas eve morning, out the night before at the Christmas songwriters thing got drunk with some bad people and was so hungover that I nearly cried to War is Over in the sarnie shop whilst getting my roll and bacon!
2. Describe your worst present (if you dare).
There are all great!!! Honset!
3. Favourite Christmas trilogy you absolutely have to watch over the Festive period?
Star wars
4. Favourite TV programme Christmas Special.
Nothing beats only fools and horses
5. At what time will you get sick of all this festive shit and just fuck off down the pub to get scooshed
tell me which pubs are open and I’ll see you there!
1. I’ve had some truly Herculean hangovers in the past week or two. I’m already on my second bottle of red wine today.
2. A bottle of Jack Daniels. That’s my contribution to the Toad new year’s alcohol pool sorted.
3. Indiana Jones somehow feels more Christmassy than Star Wars. Lord Of The Rings is unutterable shite.
4. Doctor Who. T-minus 39 minutes and counting.
5. Unlike me, my family don’t associate pubs or socialising with Christmas. I suggested going out to the pub at lunchtime today, they all looked at me like I’d suggesting going out to petrol-bomb the old folks’ home.
1. 29th.
2. Sugar coated almonds. *boke*
3. BACK TO THE FUTURE
4. Dinnae watch the box on crimbo, ken.
5. Pubs are for quitters.
Right, TV’s gone shit for a while, the outlaws are asleep and I get saddo internet time….well hurrah
1) The bus to Hangover City leaves Monday morning 10.30am and arrives Tuesday morning at about 11am. Open house at ours Monday night if you are near Manchester
2) Someone bought me Never For Ever by Kate Bush, I just said a kate Bush album please never thinking they would go for the £1.99 bargain basement option. They hate me
3) Non, just do a decent first one, that’s enough
4) Dr Who for me too. and thank goodness it wasn’t the same trash as last year. Roll on New Year
5) We have beer and we have friends arriving, we have Tanqueray and Cuervo Gold, it’s good here.
Time to detonate the TV, have a good evening chaps
Cogstar…that’s a great Kate Bush album. If they really hated you they would have bought you something by Dido. Or Celine Dion.
If they wanted to test how much of a kate Bush fan you really are they might have got you the Dreaming or The Red Shoes!
1. As a teetotaller this doesn’t apply, but i’ll probably feel like I overindulged on too much stuff tomorrow (boxing day)and new year’s day anyway.
2. I was once given a Methodist hymn book by the parents of a girl I was going out with (when i was aged, ooh, 24). My parents thought that was messed up, too -and my dad’s a Minister.
3. I would say Back to the Future, Mrs. 17 Seconds would say Lord of the Rings, the boxset of indiana Jones has never worked in current DVD player, so might well be all six Harry Potter DVDs…
4. Have just watched Dr. Who as well. Indeed, I too cannot wait until New Year’s Day.
5. Am going to try and get out of Edinburgh to go to see a friend in the Scottish Borders tomorrow. And Mrs. 17 Seconds is working, so I guess it is ending for us soon.
Merry christmas all (what’s left of it…!)
1. As it’s going now it should be tomorrow. I cooked all afternoon and have spent most of the evening cleaning up so that obviously means a lot of sly drinking that even I didn’t notice at the time has been going on.
2. A guide to lost crafts. I am now ready to make a coracle or take up farriering (if that’s what it’s called. Farriery?)
3. Dunno. Somebody’s given me a very nice book about Spirited Away which I’ve been reading on and off today and I really want to watch that again more than anything seasonal.
4. Blackadder’s Christmas Carol is great. I went off Only Fools and Horses when their grandad died. Outnumbered is very good usually, I think, and I’m looking forward to that one most this year.
5.I wish.
1. Yesterday.
2. My father got my wife an exfoliating leg-hair removal pad as a stocking stuffer. The bastard.
3. Rudolph/Frosty/Grinch
4. Charlie Brown
5. Yesterday.
Nice to see a few of us are still fannying about on the internet in amongst all this festive pish. Good work, people!
1. No time to be hungover, son. There’s too much lego to be built, food to make & eat, and sledging to be done! Also, this all day drinking malarky has made my booze tolerance fucking ridiculously high – and that’s saying something.
2. I’m actually getting a bit bored of all the booze I’ve been given. Do folks think I’m some sort of lush? (answer: yes, yes they do)
3. Withnail & I is the trad xmas film in our house.
4. Not had the telly on as yet.
5. I’d break my neck on the ice on the way back. Mind that chap who froze to death on his doorstep a few days ago, after a big xmas bender.
Ed
The ‘Spill.
1) I don’t really drink that much over Christmas. The combination of spending it with in laws and spending it in a part of America that is devoid of taxi’s or buses mean I have a strict beery limit.
2) I gave my wife the new Alicia Keys album. It was not for me, but I have to listen to it like it was.
3) Star Wars. But I need to get to non-retouched ones. George Lucas hates my childhood and won’t rest until it’s ruined.
4) Didn’t watch any. I’d love to say it’s because I’m too cultured but actually it’s because I was instructing my brother in law as to the superiority of Canadian hockey on his new Xbox.
5) I am sitting typing this in my office downstairs from the Christmas show I am about to do. So now. Right now is when I get sick of it.
George Lucas hates my childhood and won’t rest until it’s ruined
Right there with you, brother.
Dylan
To be fair most of our childhoods were spent in the same room. And I’m not sure Toad and I alone in this sentiment. George Lucas just hates happiness.
Hi Matthew…I’ve really enjoyed following your blog over the last year or so. Withered Hand’s Good News is definitely my favourite album of the year…thanks for bringing them (and many other artists) to my attention. My bro does a good version of The Cuckoo as “Uncle Sinner”…have a listen if you like that tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOETuswTv9U. The album’s going nowhere fast, but not in an ’80s Canadian metal band (Razor) kinda way. Just in a sad, freezing and struggling in Winnipeg kinda way. Too bad, because even with my bias all-in, I think he’s made a solid record that few will ever hear. He could sure use a push if you deemed it pushworthy. Best wishes in twenty ten. – Glen