Friday is Five Days Too Fucking Late (Plus Two)
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I confidently sat down to write my Friday Fives this week and to introduce the Candy Claws‘ virtual tour video only to realise that I have managed to fuck things up. I am a week late. For some reason I had it absolutely fixed in my head that it was supposed to be this Friday, so all I can do is apologise profusely to the band and to Kev from Indiecater Records and hope that playing it this week will serve the purpose at least reasonably well. Honestly lads, for some reason I was convinced it was supposed to be this week, I’m really sorry.
Your job, as readers, is to may up for my idiocy by taking extra time out of your day to listen to Candy Claws’ music and hence try and make my apologies for me. And buy the album too, while you’re at it – the whole thing can be previewed here and it really is very good.
In other news did anyone see pictures of the Queen getting on a train this morning? Christ she looks like a fucking bag lady. I alternate between tolerance of and annoyance with the royal family. They can be hugely entertaining, and of course they bring money into the country, but we pay for the cunts and frankly I think it’s time we started demanding a little more for our money.
Shortage of teachers or nurses? Send in a minor royal for a few months to cover. Traffic lights out in London town, get Phil the Greek to pop round and do the hand signals thing for a while. Let’s face it, apart from buggering the servant and beating up foreigners he’s not going to be doing anything else with his time.
We could even save the NHS money by insisting that Charles follow his own guidance on alternative medicine. Deny the stupid old fucker actual medical care and see if his sugar pills and anticlockwise kidney massages cure him of fucking cancer. No? Good, now we can stop wasting money on them and he’ll be dead so we won’t have to keep repairing him in his dotage like we did the Queen Mum. Actually, with her belligerence and monumental gin habit, she and Phil the Insulter are the only two I have any real affection for.
So, this is the last Friday Five before Christmas. I promise to put one up on Boxing Day too, just for those of us who will need the internet to escape the gluttony. Honestly, how many sherries with boring Uncle Brian can you really handle anyway – you know you’ll need your Five Fix!
1. What use could the Royals be best put to?
2. Favourite Royal (from any nation, past or present).
3. How much of your Christmas shopping remains to be done.
4. At what point does the self-loathing of gluttony kick in for you around Christmas time.
5. Fuck it, link to a silly picture on the internet just for shits and giggles (just paste the URL into your comment – WordPress will do the rest).
Here is my one and only concession to the world of Christmas. I tend to avoid Christmas songs, except for Phil Ochs (miserable) and Tom Lehrer (caustic) but for the last Friday Five before the day itself I thought fuck it, why not. So happy fucking Christmas you fuckers, that’s all you’re getting.
Casiotone for the Painfully Alone – Traveling Salesman’s Young Wife Home Alone on Christmas in Montpelier, VT
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The Felice Brothers – Christmas Song
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Saint Etienne – I Was Born on Christmas Day
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Tom Lehrer – A Christmas Carol
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Phil Ochs – No Christmas in Kentucky
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1. What use could the Royals be best put to?
fuel for heating
2. Favourite Royal (from any nation, past or present).
Pass
3. How much of your Christmas shopping remains to be done.
all of it
4. At what point does the self-loathing of gluttony kick in for you around Christmas time.
just about now
5. Fuck it, link to a silly picture on the internet just for shits and giggles (just paste the URL into your comment – WordPress will do the rest).
http://www.voidspace.org.uk/images/silly_cat.jpg
1. Dinner ladies/men
2. erm, Henry VIII
3. All of it. Tomorrow.
4. I don’t think I really get this – it’s sort of the whole point, no?
5. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/59/181463022_f2bd118059_o.jpg
fucking bingo
1. I’d honestly like to see them do something really tedious and mind-numbing, like work in a shop or Costa or something like that. See real life, you cunts? Sucks doesn’t it.
2. Queen Ranavalona of Madagascar from the Flashman books.
3. None has even started yet, but then, we only have to get stuff for my parents because we’re visiting them. Everyone else is getting fuck all, including ourselves.
4. Usually the second week in December. During the Christmas holiday itself I tend to get to about six or seven in the evening on Boxing Day before the bloated sense of regret takes over.
5. Welcome to my world:
1. Some form of sport probably. Like where you shoot things at them.
2. Prince Phillip is quite hard to beat for entertainment value. In no other walk of life would such a raving maniac be allowed out on his own.
3. All of it. I haven’t even got my sister the inappropriate calendar or my mum the Shirley Bassey CD.
4. Late November
5. I don’t know why, but this scene always leaves me completely helpless with laughter, you know, like when you can’t breathe from laughing so much..
Incidentally, how the fuck is nothing Toad-related on this list?
http://www.list.co.uk/article/22676-the-hot-100-2009/
“The Hot 100 is the comprehensive list of Scottish creative talent, covering both individuals and organisations who’ve made a standout contribution to culture in 2009. This year’s list favours the new faces who’ve made an impact, supporting courage and creativity above all else.”
Seriously, what the fuck are they thinking?
1. Bouncers
“I’m terribly sorry old chap, I’m afraid you shan’t be allowed entry in your current state of disarray. Tally ho, cheerio and all that rot, what!”
2. Chocolate Royals
3. Hardly any!
4. September
5. http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/12/12/sns-easters-finest/
Awkward family photos is a fucking winner every time.
So is this – gold from top to bottom:
http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/
1) Make them audition for the X Factor as a band
2) Herod . he knew the score
3) None… I do have an Amazon cardboard mountain to dig through though
4) Last Monday morning after The Pogues gig when the remains of a kebab were winking at me from the other side of the floor
5) Who are you fucking kidding
http://www.alphamom.com/holiday/green%20christmas%20book.png
are you talking about yourself with regards to the list thing?
1. I’d really like to line them all up in front of a ramp and then leap over them Evil Knievel style. Only instead of a motor bike, I’d use an articulated lorry.
2. Her Serene Highness the Princess of Monaco. Star of High Noon, Rear Window, and numerous other classics.
3. None. Humph.
4. I don’t understand the question either.
5. It’s even seasonal: http://sketchysantas.com/
That whole Queen on the train thing even made the news here in Oz tonight.
Obviously a slow day.
1. I would like them to dedicate their entire lives to mind numbingly dull transfer of liquid between containers in the noble pursuit of medical research for the greater good of the population (when will they make lab work more fun?!), only to have some horse faced poncy man decry your entire highly respected career by waving around some water medicine.
2. King Harold Godwinson. He gave the Norse some serious attitude at Stamford Bridge, then kicked their arse, only to be killed at Hastings three weeks later and hence have no time to be wrapped up in his own myth.
Screw it, can I change my answer to number to an elite attitude giving Norse kick arse team?
3. Small thing for Mum. Everything else is hopefully winging it’s way from the Internet.
4. Not the best question to ask the day after the work Christmas party. About two hours ago.
5. http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/fail-owned-twatt-sign-fail.jpg
I know everyone has seen this, but the reason I like it so much is that this lady is Pauline, from my Alumni orienteering club. She is a living breathing internet legend.
The List thing – it’s easy to split hairs and complain about what they included and what they didn’t, but the fact that – apart from an (admittedly genius and entirely deserving) automated musical cupboard – there are no Edinburgh bands on the List, is a little disappointing. In a year when many Edinburgh bands have finally been getting wider recognition.
Also, the fact that Regular music get applauded for putting on Rod Stewart is kind of insult to injury. Culture? Courage? Creativity? FUCK. OFF.
i wouldn’t worry about it…….
fuck em
1. Stick them in a cultural reservation and make pay tourists to take pictures of… wait.
2. Favourite Royal (from any nation, past or present).
3. Most of it. I’ve only bought one gift so far. To make matters worse the entire clan is descending this year. Buggery.
4. I tend not to over indulge at Christmas, actually. Mostly because I’ve been going around with a permanent sneer on my face since the decorations started going up late October and that tends to stunt the appetite.
5. http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1557
1. Those people that hold umbrellas for celebrities at premiers, etc.
2. I do not know of any royals.
3. All of it. It’s getting done on Monday.
4. Some time after new year, so I only have to deal with one bout of it as opposed to having both post-Christmas AND post-new years.
5. http://i50.tinypic.com/35jxuzo.jpg
http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh29/becher_loverboy16/cute-funny-animals-30.jpg
because cats are funny
Uh, that is, make tourists pay.
Also:
2. Ivan the Terrible. Awesome nickname, plus he banned beards.
Paolo Nutini made the list, so that’s okay.
2. If fictional royals are allowed, then the Queen from the Swan princess who gets kidnapped and throws melons at people at demands cucumber sandwiches from her kidnappers. She was an excellent role model.
1. That family were made for reality TV – I’m a Celebrity? Celebrity Wife Swap – maybe with Jamie Oliver, i’m not sure why…
2. i like Harry – i think that he should be king. He would be easy to coerce into doing stupid things.
3. Kind of – will finish on Monday if i don’t get too drunk on sunday, which i probably will. i have no restraint
4. First proper Christmas night out tonight so in about an hour i expect. Last christmas night out is 10th january – so it will end a couple of days after that!
5. Just because i really hope it happened, i know it can!
http://media.photobucket.com/image/funny%20photos/bruhdurr/funny%20pictures/funny.jpg
1. Target practice
2. King Solomon
3. 60%
4. First thing in the morning, then it dissipates over the course of the day
5. http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-30-most-memorable-mug-shots-of-2009
1. dog food
2. I too have a sneaky liking for Phil the Greek, I’m kind of impressed by that “I’m just going to say what the hell I like” attitude. Less impressed we’re paying for it, however.
3. Done most of it ta
4. There already – there’s so many pre-Christmas events that by the time the actual holiday comes round I’m fed up of eating and drinking. (Doesn’t stop me, mind)
5. sorry if it’s already been posted before:
*NB Do not watch if you share an office with sensitive types or your boss likes to watch what you’ve got on your screen*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebaDe3eiQIA
If you then go to the “official” version it’s almost as funny, cos you’re sort of assuming they’re taking the piss, but then you realise they, um, aren’t..
1) Reality television — royal family in everyday situations without aides etc. etc.
2) I like the Swedish royal family because I’m always surprised to learn that Sweden has a king and queen and various other royals.
3) it’s more or less done — just have to pick up random boxes of chocolates for people I’m too lazy and thoughtless to buy real presents for.
4) my liver would answer about two days ago.
5) …
I’m not sure but this tram video might be even funnier!
ha ha, yes that’s the official one I was on about.
1 They serve as a pretty good warning as to the dangers of inbreeding.
2 Charlotte Casiraghi of Monaco. Absolutely fit as bollocks.
3 Most of it is done. That is because I do it in one Internet session, from one internet shopping basket. If people are going to force me to pay attention to this made fest of greed then they can have souless Internet presents. And fucking like them. And say thank you.
4 The gluttony begins at 4:00pm on the 25th. The self loathing kicked in some time in late October.
http://aintnogod.com/images/Our-Lady-of-the-Irridescent-Office-Windows.jpg
1. Maybe they could live in a special cabinet in the natural history museum…
2. King Kong
3. None. Christmas eve cluster fuck here we come.
4. Never. Let’s eat.
5. This seemed on topic: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_xm2kcAPnv_Q/Ro0KmLmvQII/AAAAAAAAAFg/5M-vvlNwuek/s1600-h/philiipfart.bmp
That Charlotte what’s-her-face of Monaco is certainly a pretty girl, but she looks like a right sour faced old trout.
Bet she’s no fun down the pub.
On a related subject, Young Queen Elizabeth. Would you?
1. Crash test dummies.
2. Some cunt with a crown.
3. Most. Fuckety fuck.
4. Probably this evening when I get back from town.
5. http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs115.snc3/16267_300782340233_809265233_9579683_3803876_n.jpg
Crash Test Dummies, as in the band? That would be awesome!
You’re on bass, your majesty.
1. Fertilizer. Umm, well…just treat them like ordinary people. Prince Philip can go in a council run Senior Citizens’ Home. Or the first case of involuntary enthanasia.
2. Christian X of Denmark. No actually, I am fucking serious (read this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_X_of_Denmark)
3. Something else for my Dad, who is so far getting a history of MI5 (seriously)
4. 5PM Christmas day, at the very latest.
5. http://www.viceland.com/music/2009/12/the-vice-albums-of-the-year/
Charles: “Mmmm.. Mmmm.. Mmmm… Mmmm…”
Producer: “Excellent vocal work, your majesty. That’s a take.”
Charles: “Mmmmmzzzddjhh – had we started?”
1up to dylans posting of the family guy projectile vomiting. i was talking about this very piece of comedy gold last night..
1. Coal miners
2. King of Poland
3. All done motherfuckers
4. Halfway through Christmas dinner.
5. http://www.celebritysmackblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/lady-gaga-hermaphrodite.jpg
Maybe we could leave the Royals as they are, just send in Ant & Dec and some cameras and stick ‘em on the telly. That’d bring the fuckers down to Earth real quick – no-one survives the indignity of reality TV.
Except Jack Dee that is.
no-one survives the indignity of reality TV.
Except Jack Dee that is.
…maybe reality TV and the Royal Family are both things we could leave behind us as we head into a new decade. After all, it gets boring hating the same people over and over again.
Really?
There are so man people I never get bored of hating.
Sarah Jessica Parker
Rene Zellweger
David Cameron
All of Friends every night on every channel three times. Could you imagine the trauma if Friends was banned from the next decade.
I really, really could go on.
OK, fair enough…but if I felt that Reality TV and the Royal Family had fucked off, I’d feel like something had been achieved.
Somehow.
Oh, and you’re right about David Cameron. SJP/RZ I don’t really have much of an opinion of either way. Blogs must be used to make sure we do not have another bloody Tory govt next year, methinks…
Cogstar – no more repeats of Friends…mmm, i could live with that.
And an end to Michael Macintyre laughing at his own jokes.
Cogstar I would be fucking thrilled if I never saw a fucking episode of friends ever again.
Cameron is the ultimate substance-free politician. No ideas, no thoughts, no policies, just a general opposition to labour and a dab hand at a content-free soundbite. I fucking hate him.
It is remarkable that for 12 years people criticized Tony Blair for having no spine and no substance and the next elected leader is going to be James Cameron. Really? No, really?
No spine and no substance? Just the opposite surely – too damn determined.
If only it was James Cameron.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=royal%20mail
That was only in the very later years. He spent a good 8 being the “rule by focus group” prime minister.
1. roadies for Steel Panther
2. Crown Royal?
3. That’s why I got “married” … what’s wrong with you straight people? Get yer wives to do it, for fuck’s sake!
4. After the third helping of stuffing when I realize I’m too full to fuck. Damnit! I did it again.
5. I never get tired of these: http://www.summerpierre.com/uploaded_images/giant%20bunny-732659.jpg
That’s a big rabbit.
1. What use could the Royals be best put to? – Batting practice for the Yankees
2. Favourite Royal? – Easily George Brett.
3. How much of your Christmas shopping remains to be done? – I did all my paintings this week.
4. At what point does the self-loathing of gluttony kick in for you around Christmas time? – Around Thanksgiving.
5. Fuck it, link to a silly picture on the internet? –
Silly picture? How about the brand new specially made Dear Scotland Christmas Video starring Santa? http://bit.ly/4IecYX
That’s no rabbit, it’s a space station.
You seem to have gone a bit Charlie Brooker Matt
You appear to have gone a bit Charlie Brooker in your Royal Rant
Sorry about double submission, thought the first one had crashed
Garlando – three-post mentalism is a great way to introduce yourself.
Dylan, it’s too big to be a space station.
1. What use could the Royals be best put to?
Breast implants for bulls
2. Favourite Royal (from any nation, past or present).
King Khan
3. How much of your Christmas shopping remains to be done.
Shopping continues til the wife says her pile is high enough
4. At what point does the self-loathing of gluttony kick in for you around Christmas time.
Weed seems to keep both of these in check.
5. Fuck it, link to a silly picture on the internet just for shits and giggles (just paste the URL into your comment – WordPress will do the rest).
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=408337060&albumId=198831
Can’t you be a glutton for weed?
There’s scores of pics like that… google “big bunny” and prepare to have your mind blown. I’d even forgo my usual request for a pony if I could have a giant rabbit, I want one so much. Can you imagine that thing hopping around your living room? I’d never watch TV again!
I guess it’s possible Ben, but I do share it.
1. What use could the Royals be best put to?
They would probably make a good reality tv show
2. Favourite Royal (from any nation, past or present).
Princess Diana
3. How much of your Christmas shopping remains to be done.
Can anyone really ever be done shopping?
Andrew – My pile is not high enough
4. At what point does the self-loathing of gluttony kick in for you around Christmas time.
The office Christmas party
5. Fuck it, link to a silly picture on the internet just for shits and giggles (just paste the URL into your comment – WordPress will do the rest).
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/moticats.htm
Andrew
just as I thought! weed promotes family values like sharing! What else has the government lied to me about dammit?
coming back to the list. they’ve consistently succeeded in letting me down over the past year or so now. the oxjam takeover (which in my opinion was one of the biggest events for the edinburgh music scene in a long time) got completely fucking ignored albeit a wee shitty preview thing, I expected some massive double page coverage of it, it was like our wee camden crawl in a way. And then they give barts lot 3 out of 5 for ‘sleep the winter’? fucknuggets. 2009 has been one of the best years in recent memory for edinburgh music wise, yet the list seem to have overlooked that. fucknuggets.
It is pretty poor, yes. They are featuring us in the new year, but honestly that hot 100 is really myopic. As Bart said, not one Edinburgh band? Really? And Jetpacks? Fucksake.
The Oxjam event here apparently made more than the equivalent event in London.
That list is sheer wank. Wank. Wank. Wank.
Whenever something from Edinburgh is mentioned they seem to skip over that fact, but when it’s Glasgow…
it’s all a bit our school is better than your school. stop already
Yeah, the parochialism argument is like Russian dolls really – you could conceivably go on forever.
1. What use could the Royals be best put to?
They’d make the basis of a fine festive feast for ‘crisis at christmas’ as long as they were cooked for a good long time.
2. Favourite Royal (from any nation, past or present).
Prince Edmund Blackadder.
3. How much of your Christmas shopping remains to be done.
Not much – some food things which will mainly be done on the last two days.
4. At what point does the self-loathing of gluttony kick in for you around Christmas time.
It comes and goes – a fair number of christmas feast things have already happened through work,they’re always fun, although for one reason or another (very early train next day for course one time, missing almost the whole thing because of a funeral next time) I’ve kind of missed the best of this stuff so far this year.
5. Fuck it, link to a silly picture on the internet just for shits and giggles (just paste the URL into your comment – WordPress will do the rest).
http://www.xkcd.com/124/
Adam’s here, thread over!
Adam’s the only one who’s got question two right so far.
Yep. Gigantic question 2 triumph.
Oi, Matthew, my uncle’s name is Brian.
Fair point, though.
Happy Xmas, guy!
“Incidentally, how the fuck is nothing Toad-related on this list?
http://www.list.co.uk/article/22676-the-hot-100-2009/”
You got a nomination, as did several S,bT bands but that’s what happens with (kind of) democracy – only the blandest get through. For the (strictly-off-the-) record though, I reckon you came in at around 108.
Ouch, that might make it worse! I think I’d rather have been 863rd or something like that.
Ach, there’s no point worrying about this kind of thing anyway. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve given bands the advice that they should not aspire to the pop culture status of bands they don’t really like or respect themselves.
If there’s so little on that list which I have any time for, which is the case, then I should really know better than to be surprised or at all sulky about neither the site/label itself nor pretty much any bands I like being on it.
felice brothers – that’s not christmas song