Friday is Touching Base to Leverage an Empowering Strategic Fit Across Stakeholders
[Mrs. Toad has very kindly contributed this Friday's Fives, as I am busy being mounted like a five-dollar hooker at Proper Job. Enjoy.]
I am in the middle of a secondment at Proper Job which basically means that instead of rushing around trying to get new clients or speak to existing ones about what is going on in the world of stocks and shares, I am undertaking company analysis and have time on my hands to contemplate the mysteries of the future.
So at the moment, I am mulling what cars will be like in 2030 and how many of them will be on the roads. This is usually predicted using an S-Curve function which predicts growth of consumption goods accelerating from matching income growth at low levels at twice the rate of income growth for a certain range of income finally slowing again to match income growth at higher levels giving an S shaped graph. According to this, there will be 2 billion cars on the road in 2030 (there are about 800 million now). Scary stuff. However, population density is also rising (only 46% of New Yorkers own a car whereas 92% of Americans do) and car sharing (ZipCar/City Car club) is also on the rise. So how the hell am I supposed to come up with an even half sensible estimate? Even Volkswagen don’t seem to think we will all own our own cars.
Of course, the point is that you can’t get it right, you just have to make a reasonable estimate and assign a probability to it based on current evidence. Despite the shelves and shelves of strategy books in airports worldwide, there is a great deal of serendipity involved in most business successes. The guys at Google for instance, didn’t start out to be in the advertising business but ending up there is why their company is worth $135bn. There is also the occasional trying to be too clever moment. If I said to you that buying a share of 100 dodgy mortgages packaged together and sliced up is as safe as lending to a blue chip company like IBM, you’d laugh in my face but that’s what all the physics graduates and math whizzes at places like Lehman Bros really believed. Business is hard especially, when mistakes mean that you could go down the pan or get taken out. Its easy to err too far on the side of caution and become defensive and oppressive rather than innovative (yeah, that’s you Microsoft).
Which makes it all the more galling that a non profit entity such as the BBC has apparently confused “value for money” with “bums on seats” in its recent strategic review, leading to the closure of 6 Music, the watering down of local content, and the downsizing of their successful website. The questions in the review also point to them considering reducing some of the innovative projects that they have undertaken such as pushing DAB and developing iPlayer. iPlayer is in large part why people like Murdoch(s) have it in for them, Sky and Virgin Media cannot make money if they cannot control content provision. By pushing people online to a familiar and trusted brand, the BBC has hastened their demise.
This has already been linked to but I would urge you all to take some time to respond to the BBC’s strategic review in full because its clear that fear of Tory/Murdoch harpies is pushing them in an all together more stolid direction than we have seen in the last ten years and that would be a great shame.
1. What do you think cars will be like in 20 years time?
2. Best piece of bullshit bingo you have heard?
3. Company/brand or product you most admire?
4. Company/brand or product you detest?
5. Your soothsayer like prediction for the world in 2030?
Ballboy – All the Records on the Radio are Shite
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Depeche Mode – Everything Counts
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The Men They Couldn’t Hang – Company Town
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1. Slow, boring, but very reliable.
2. Bullshit bingo?
3. Google, though they’ve wobbled a bit recently.
4. Cash4Gold
5. http://history.nasa.gov/SP-368/p454a.jpg
1. they’ll be like slow and electric
2. An old manager of mine, who was a pretty unpalatable chap, used to always say ‘Belt and braces’ and ‘Suck it and see’ and those two together used to always make me think the unthinkable and made me gag a little!
3. Pretty much any company that doesn’t get too caught up in the growth, profit and stamping on the little guy ethos that is the norm these days.
4. I truly hate everything that News Corp stand for.
5. it’ll be a little warmer.
1) they will be planes. fucking planes. in the sky.
2) bullshit bingo?
3) Apple. I love my Mac, I love Logic, I hate them for it. Bit like cigarettes, controlling but joyous.
4) Apple, they are so controlling. Bit like cigarettes.
5) Cars will be planes and there wil be no radio at all.
‘struth
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bullshit%20bingo
1. hopefully like the delorean
2. assuming you mean bullshit lingo, id plump for ‘blue sky thinking’
3. fisher price
4. nike or tynchy stryder
5. we’ll all be women
oh i see, got it.
‘we have to work smarter’ – urgh
1. Non-existent. No one will be able to afford them.
2. Thanks for the linkage there Chutters! We had a lecturer at uni who used to say ‘notion’ all the time. I used to keep a tally in my notebook – once she managed to say it 21 times in an hour.
3. I don’t ‘admire’ any. Some I manage to tolerate.
4. Ugh too many to name. All banks. All fasion labels. All telephone companies. All of em.
5. Carnage! Anarchy! Mayhem!
1. Well, judging by this that I just found on a Google image search for a car from 1980, cars thirty years ago were all evil and chased old ladies down deserted country roads. That phenomenon seems to have largely died out now, but from that I can extrapolate that cars in thrity years time will have mutated into monstrous semi-organic malevolent creatures that devour human babies alive.
2. This.
3. Song, By Toad Records Inc.
4. MurdochCorp
5. Lock up your babies! They’re coming!! The evil mutant cars are coming!!!
My first ever car was a burnt orange Mk5 Fordtina, rather like that one in your photo Dylan
Suck up.
1. They will be like the Toad Van, only working.
2. Some American clients of ours got into the habit of using ‘pumped and juiced, which wasn’t so much obnoxious as hilarious. It means ‘excited’, apparently.
Also they have a habit of saying ‘I think it should be more flexible’, or ‘flexibility is key’ which, loosely translated means: “We do not have the courage to abandon any of these desirable yet mutually exclusive attitributes, so we want to keep them all in the specification and then blame you designers at some point in the indeterminate future for failing to achieve them all. Despite them being mutually exclusive. Because we did say that flexibility was key, now, didn’t we.”
3. The Guardian have done a pretty impeccable job over the last few years, in terms of building an impressive visual identity and a pretty unmatched reputation for good coverage.
4. Anything which causes old people to talk like the imaginary fourteen year olds in their heads in order to appear ‘yoot’. Like I imagine BBC Switch and Blast probably did, which is probably why they are being scrapped.
5. Retirement. And I will give Song, by Toad to the BBC, because they will clearly look after it well.
that was aimed at Dylan, clearly.
Chutters, you’re cooler (and older) than I thought!
And did you chase old ladies down the road in your Ford Cortina, Chutters?
only if they got in my way
it was 6 yr old 82 X reg, and i loved it……sniff
Can I change my answer to number two to this gush of sycophantic stinking diarroeah from this spectacularly hopeless cunt?
Where’s the standard request for “de-lurking”? Ok – I will do it.
“Come on folks! If I am tolerated here, you will be too”
1) I’m fairly sure they will be boring as bollocks. But lets hope safe. And also lets use them less because, christ that seems like an obvious fix for a lot of problems. Oh, and smaller. American cars are just silly and, an obvious metaphor.
2) “Perception is reality”. Which seem like a fairly obvious admission that it doesn’t matter how well you do your job so long as you pucker up to a boss. Which it strikes me means it’s obvious a boss came up with it.
3) Peluso microphones. Largely because the owner also runs a sheep farm and still makes some of the most beautiful microphones in the world.
4) Apple. And Microsoft.
5) Windows will have solved their driver issues, and someone, somewhere will have written a decent stereo mastering program for a fucking mac.
Oh, my wife sits in a lot of meeting where men use the phase “open the kimono”. So offensive is so so so many ways.
And yet so hot.
(Peluso microphones? LINK to the tech-pr0n!)
http://www.pelusomicrophonelab.com/
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89705610
I hope that second link works outside the US. Also, when I had a problem with my Peluso, I got a phone call from John Peluso. Which certainly beats “Doris the customer service rep”.
1. What do you think cars will be like in 20 years time?
Hopefull shared, anyone living in the city really needs to check out their local car sharing service. Most of us use our cars less than 10% of the time yet they depreciate at about 10+% a year and cost a fucking fortune to park and insure. Thats like throwing fivers out of the window all week so that you can buy goods for a tenner on Saturdays.
2. Best piece of bullshit bingo you have heard?
“At the margin”. I’m not sure exactly what this means but “under certain conditions” seems to be an approximation.
3. Company/brand or product you most admire?
Love Apple. Its for IT morons like me who want everything right now without much effort and are willing to pay for it.
4. Company/brand or product you detest?
Microsoft. Anyone that can inflict Vista on an unsuspecting world needs to be made to pay for its mistakes. People defend it on the grounds that Windows 7 is better. Well, it could hardly be worse could it?
5. Your soothsayer like prediction for the world in 2030?
I will be running it.
I use a car sharing service Mrs Toad and it’s wonderful. Absolutely the best thing in the world.
Mrs Toad’s photo still makes me smile
5. Your soothsayer like prediction for the world in 2030?
I will be running it.
Oh yeah. Forgot about that bit.
1. Just one gyroscopic wheel and powered by fermenting tofu or something.
2. So, so many: Take this forward. Peel back the layers of the onion. Touch base (ugh, this is the worst and it sounds vaguely dirty. I cringed just typing it). We aren’t going to die in a ditch if it doesn’t get done. Throw around a few ideas. There’s no ”i” in team (yes, but there’s a “you” in cunt.). I’m sure I’ll keep thinking of more….
3. It’s got to be the iPhone, despite not liking apple that much.
4. Don’t know.
5. The Lib Dems still won’t have had a sniff of power.
1. If they aren’t flying, I’ll be very pissed off.
2. Foxy Bingo. I’ll happily campaign for fox hunting to be brought back just to get that bastard.
3. Damn, someone beat me to the Song, by Toad Records suck up. Chemikal Underground then.
4. Go Compare.
5. Firey death.
Oh, how about “reach out to (someone)”. yes nothing says productive business conversation quite like a suggested grope.
1. Chinese
2. “Go-forward basis.”. Our CEO says it all the time and it makes me want to shake him and scream “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ‘IN THE FUTURE??’”
3. Local and sustainable.
4. Most recently, anything that sponsored the fucking Olympics. But overall Most Detested is McDonalds.
5. Dirty, hot, & dry.
1. I’ve decided that i’m never going to learn to drive, which means Scott will have to drive me everywhere. Hopefully all cars with be great big fuck off limos. That fly.
2. I don’t, and have never worked in a office, so i’ve never really heard any of these phrases. I imagine it would be a bit like being at JLB credit in Peep Show.
“I’ll be Charles and you’ll be my….. Camilla”, creepy.
3. The NHS. Particularly the kind man who gave me all the drugs when I was in labour. Epidurals rule!
4. Real Foods.
5. 97% water.
1. Like big pedal go-karts.
2. I despise it when someone refers to thinking outside the box. Shove it up your arse.
3. Danelectro, I like the whole lipstick pick-up story.
4. I’ve got to agree with Tim, I’d love it if there weren’t adverts reminding me that I don’t have a solid block of gold to swap for £20.
5. Bruce Forsyth will be part robot and kept alive to host further shows of Strictly Come Dancing, the format of the show will be changed as it replace general elections. The winner of the competition will be our next prime minister. Baws.
“Mrs Toad’s photo still makes me smile”
I think it’s the only thing I’ve ever done on this site which rivals some of Bart’s moments of comedy genius.
Ian – what is your job, exactly? You seem like you’re a moment away from blowing your top and going mental. You don’t own any automatic weapons, do you?
Actually, I might make notes when I am in my next meeting with our American client, because they’re incredible. The East Coast not so much, but the ones from the West Coast are indistinguishable from satire.
They’re all an amalgam from previous jobs stretching from HBOS, RBS, Scottish Exec, Scottish Parliament and the British Council. Thank fuck I’m now ‘self-employed’!
1. Well we won’t have cars, cos you know, 2012.
2. I hate in retail when they use selling slogans such as ‘a minute to win it’, if the slogan is applicable to how poor my sexual ability is, then it can fuck right off.
3. I always had a soft spot for Cremola Foam. R.I.P.
4. Having been to Africa and seeing how much they fuck people up I’d either say Nestle or the Catholic Church. Potato potatto.
5. I’d like to think it would be like planet of the apes, but instead of apes, the world would be full of people who think Kings of Leon are wank instead of good. I’d also like to live to see Miley Cyrus go mental and get dead into Crystal Meth. Then I’d rescue her, reform her, and pump her.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
Matthew, get some fucking avatars on all these different Ians.
There’s about twelve of them now I think!
Even just number them!
Re: Creamola Foam, a couple of Scottish guys have launched their own version. Have a look out for Kramola Fizz.
1. Ten times as many, just as nasty, nicer cd players.
2. I had a team-building experience recently that was full of it. Of particular irritation was the fucking Myers-Briggs Personality test thing, as administered to a team of psychologists. It doesn’t take a very educated look at it to see it’s guff, and we know quite a bit about the umpteen ways it is guff, so being forced to have a three hour conversation about whether or not I was ‘judging’ or ‘perceiving’, and the implictions of this for my leadership style was about as much as I could bear.
3. I was about to say the NHS too, although maybe that requires flexibility with the word “admire”. How about Martin guitars- every innovation they’ve made gets taken up by every other manufacturer, yet they still sound twice as good.
4. Church, or maybe Heat magazine.
5. Like today, but with more cars and more emphatic promotion of contraception.
“I’d also like to live to see Miley Cyrus go mental and get dead into Crystal Meth. Then I’d rescue her, reform her, and pump her.”
Amazing. That’s my kind of future.
Ok Dylan, I will be Handsome Ian. Does that suffice?
1. Much, much smaller vehicles. And I agree with Mrs. Toad, more car-sharing. My hubby & I car share and we love it. I’m also hoping our city will have adopted some approximation of the dolmus system in Istanbul.
2. “Voice, choice, and representation.” It’s a buzz term for getting public input into (in my case health) planning, and of course it’s all bullshit tokenism in reality, but I love the rhyme.
3. Mountain Equipment Co-op. (Not sure it exists outside of Canada.)
4. Coca-cola. McDonalds is a close second.
5. We’ll all be dead from some virulent, deadly, air-borne pathogen.
Dolmus?
Are they those little rolled-up stuffed vine leaves?
I love them.
I think those are dolma …? It’s been a few years since I was in Istanbul.
Laurel, echoing the MEC love!!
Thanks! And I echo your hatred of Olympic sponsors. Did you know that it was Coke’s policy to unscrew and discard the lids of all beverages they sold at Olympic sites, so that people couldn’t reuse the containers afterward?? Green Olympics my ass.
That’s disgraceful (Coke’s policy at the Olympics)
Goodness, I missed this completely. I can use it as a warm up for today.
1. I don’t really care. I would like to think we might have regulated against the more wasteful nonsense we see but it’s more likely that everything will be even more profligate.
2. The word ‘intuitive’ when related to software.
3. Arsenal, obviously.
4. God, any number of things. I am currently taking against the fairtrade label in a major way after a week of activities by the Business Studies department here
5. I read a book about the world in 2100 a while back which confidently predicted the gradual rise of Mexico and Turkey over the course of the century, so maybe we’ll start to see something of that. And more of the same shitty stuff we have now, obviously.