Friday Has Slept off a Crucifying Hangover
Unlike Jesus I am actually feeling quite sprightly this Friday – at least I only have a sore head. Last night, instead of being a nice sensible boy and doing some work and getting up for proper job in the morning, I realised that Mrs. Toad was off doing nothing today and I thought I might take advantage of it. So I was kindly given a last minute holiday and we proceeded to get absolutely hammered and listen to Song, by Toad Records bands far too loud until the small hours.
Seeing as this five is going up incredibly late I assume it will be a pretty quiet one, with those off work not being anywhere near a computer and those actually at work being five minutes from fucking off down the pub, to drink with the kind of determined malice that only a day at work while the whole rest of the country puts their feet up can give you.
Well to start with, a spot of pressy news – firstly, The List featured an article by Laura Ennor about the Edinburgh music scene yesterday, which included plenty of Toady things, including a big ugly picture of a pair of Foxxes at the very top. They also liked He Was Such a Quiet Boy by Trips and Falls, which you can buy here, as did The Skinny. In addition to that, The Skinny have also just published a track-by-track preview of the new Meursault album, written by the bald man himself, so it’s been a very press-friendly week here at Song, by Toad.
Not really on the subject of that at all, Dylan and Mrs. Toad and myself were in the pub last night discussing Roman Abramovich’s yacht. Can you imagine being the sales clerk in the Shiny Boat Shop when he came in for a bit of a browse?
Roman: Hello, I’m looking for a boat. A very big shiny one.
Clerk: Splendid sir, we have lots of big shiny boats. We are in fact a big shiny boat shop.
R: Excellent. As I am a Rich and Important Gentlemen of Consequence I would like a boat which makes an appropriate statement to that effect to the world at large, do you think you can do that?
C: Why yes, sir I like to think that we should be able to meet sir’s needs.
R: Well I want lots of stuff on this boat to make it cooler than all those pesky Emirs boats, because that’s how important a fellow I am. Do you have a pen and paper? Take some notes, boy.
C: Yes sir, go right ahead sir.
R: I want a cinema in my boat.
C: A cinem…?
R: Don’t interrupt, boy, just write it down.
C: Sir.
R: A cinema, and an aquarium.
C: Very good sir.
R: And a discotheque for when I wish to do some disco dancing.
C: Certainly sir, a discotheque.
R: And a hospital.
C: Yes sir, one hospital.
R: And a swimming pool.
C: Yes sir, one swimmin…
R: No, everyone has a swimming pool these days, I want THREE swimming pools!
C: Three swimming pools, certainly sir.
R: And a helipad – no, make that two helipads, that’ll show those Emirs.
C: Two helipads, certainly sir.
R: And a submarine. I want an escape submarine which launches from underneath the boat!
C: And, erm, yes, a submarine.
R: And, and, and I want bulletproof glass, armour plating and a missile battery!
C: *splutters tea everywhere* Er, just one moment sir, I may have to have a quick word with my supervisor.
Roman Abramovich actually is a Bond villain, isn’t he. The man’s so ludicrous he actually makes an awful lot of Bond villains look downright unimaginative, don’t you think? If only he’d start turning up to Chelsea games stroking a white cat, he’d finally complete the transformation.
Clerk: Sir, I’ve asked my supervisor about the missiles and he asks you to step this way so he can show you the arsenal.
Roman: Arsenal?? I fucking hate Arsenal, you impudent nincompoop!
Boom-tish! Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week.
So instead of doing a Friday Five this week, those of you still around can simply help me design a Roman Abramovich yacht. I want a petting zoo!
I think the best suggestion I could make would be the world’s biggest bottle of gin for the Toad bar!
A gin bar in general would be ace.
Gin bars in general are ace.
And a flux capacitor.
A dwarf butler and staff that wear berets and carry machine guns. Because you want lots of people with machine guns in a confined space on the high seas.
If they’re dwarves it’s less of an issue surely, because they take up less space.
A petting zoo. a miniature town and dancing girls.
does it already have a helipad?? i think we need to stick one of those in there. and a bowling alley.
Two helipads already.
How about a water slide from the top deck to the ocean? That would be cool.
I want a swimming pool which isn’t really a swimming pool and parts like the lake in the volcano so rockets or a secret helicopter or something can fly out of it.
The bowling alley would have to have those bumper thingies down the sides, though. No point a good game being ruined by waves.
a Tesco.
hmmmm…. ok, what about two trampolines by the swimming pools that you could bounce off into the water? trampolines made of gold, obviously.
i’m thinking about this too much like a child and not enough like a multi millionare football magnate.
An onboard lion tamer would be cool.
The Millenium Dome.
One of the swimming pools should be just for otters to swim in. And in the middle there should be a scale model of the boat complete with the slide for them to throw their cute little selves down.
I think the front of the boat should have some sort of cow-catcher thing (for sea cows?) like you have on 4X4s.
And the whole thing shuld be shiny sliver, obviously.
How cute would the otters look with little tramplines too?!
A pastry chef. A clown on stilts. And a huge helter skelter instead of a crow’s nest.
I think we should think big and have an actual circus on board with a big top and everything.
otter trampolines! yeah!
And never mind a helipad, a proper rocket launching pad for space trips
an EMP device that’ll take out those neighbouring yachts. bastards.
Sorry, a big top isn’t thinking very “big” really is it if we’ve already got the Millenium Dome in there? Scrap that.
The otters are obviously dancing otters, who do little song n dance routines for our entertainment and amusement in the evenings, having spent their days splashing about in the pool and drinking G&Ts on their little sun-loungers.
Dancing otters with trampolines and a little miniature scale model of the boat just for themselves is a bit of a winner.
A unicorn trotting about the foredeck would also give it a certain panache.
how do you think roman is going to react to all our suggestions? i can bet you he won’t have envisioned half of them…
It should have a formula 1 race track all the way round the outside which could also double up for staging impromptu productions of Starlight Express if he felt so inclined. Which he obviously would because for such an ostentatious yacht the man must have clearly had a ‘good taste’ bypass. Oh, and a Costa Coffee shop too.
I wish I was an otter.
There has to be dolphins in the surrounding water that do flips and all that CONSTANTLY. For ambience.
Costa is for fools. Starbucks, ftw.
This needs to be played also.
That was well worth a spot of Three-Post Mentalism.
I expect that Abramovich is still going to have problems with mooring-yo.
Mooring is for sissies.
i think somewhere on this yacht there should be a door, and behind that door, a full scale reproduction of matthew and kate’s living room, complete with cat.
Brilliant.
You think my pun was brilliant?
He needs a ski chalet on there with slopes and stuff,
turns out he tried to buy one a couple of years ago in Courchevel but no one was selling at any price…just once in a while the rich arabs make me smile.
What about a big heater for warming up the sea when it’s too cold for swimming?
that’s global warming… he’s already got that covered.
An artificial ski slope on a boat would be fucking superb.
Bet some cunt has already done it.
LMGTFY…
Almost.
Peej your pun was stretched thinner than the material on Roman’s girlfriend’s bikini.
I would want R2-D2 to serve drinks.
And Princess Leia in tha… no, I’ll not go there.
A gin fountain. A jumping castle. A labyrinth.
A huge maze, complete with Minotaur.
A Minotaur! Genius! I think Wor Roman should demand a Minotaur!
some of these fellas wondering around
yeah that didnt work…
UNICORNS. BLOODY UNICORNS! YOU WERE MEANT TO CLICK THE “THESE FELLAS” AND…NEVERMIND
I think you should be able to open the boat up and there’s a smaller one inside it, then a smaller one inside that one….it’d be a Roman Boat…..see what I did there??!!
Scott – were those dolls not Russian?
I think Princess Leia going around, especially with that haircut that looked like she had hairy danish pastries on both of her ears would be good.
Oh, and a jukebox, obviously. Perhaps in the bar. If not, maybe a honky-tonk piano
How about Jools Holland on an exclusive 5 year contract with his boogie fucking woogie pianco. Roman could get a lot of brownie points if that cunt was mysteriously eaten by electric eels in the Sargasso Sea after one boogie woogie over the line for the Russian eardrum.
You know how the otters have got a miniature version of the boat in their swimming pool?
Well, what have they got in the miniature version of the otter pool on the miniature boat instead of otters?
Is it water-hamsters?
It’s a dozen Little Chrises in those old fashioned bathing suits with big handlebar moustaches playing merrily in their Little Chris-sized pool.
Too far, Matthew. Too far.