Friday Has a Bit of a Cold
Not only do I have a cold, and that invincible drowsiness which comes with it, but being self fucking employed I can’t even have a bloody skive! God dammit! I feel like Kevin the Teenager from the Fast Show, it’s just so unfaaaaair!
Anyhow, to explain myself, yes that really is an armoured dinosaur up there at the top of the page. I did a Google image search for ‘heavy cold’ and apart from a bewildering array of machetes, that image featured quite prominently. And it’s an armoured fucking dinosaur for goodness’ sake! More such mental (and rather cool) illustrations can be found on the site whence I pinched it.
I remember a lot of friends of mine at school were very keen on their fantasy RPGs, but I never really got into it myself. And, a little like being a music obsessive, I suppose it can come across as a bit sad and nerdy from the outside. But whenever I walk past Forbidden Planet on the Royal Mile, particularly on a Winter evening when it’s cold and rainy outside and warm and light inside, and all the fantasy fans are in there with their figurines and dice and cards and whatever other accoutrements they have, then it really does look like a very sociable and very enjoyable thing to be doing. I guess I just got nabbed by records instead.
So, as Winter slowly approaches, coughs and sneezes abound and the Scottish night becomes dramatically longer, why not pretend it’s not cold and shitey outside, delurk for a change and chip in five silly answer to five silly questions on here, and then blether away talking shite with other skivers and slackers for the rest of the afternoon.
1. Name your armoured dinosaur.
2. Pick one crucial feature an armoured dinosaur must have in order to be truly fearsome.
3. What is its secret Achilles Heel?
4. You know those really cool half and half animals in fantasy stories? Which two would you mix?
5. Do you actually like fantasy stories or films or whatever, or do you just find it childish nonsense?
Navigator – Danger Dragon
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Sunset Rubdown – Dragon’s Lair
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
1. The Rogersaur
2. Back-mounted gatling gun
3. It’s allergic to coconut
4. Head of a crocodile, body of a rabbit (wings of a chaffinch optional)
5. Nah. Like the classic stuff, Rings, Narnia, etc but not interested the other stuff that seems to be kicking about. Have a soft spot for the original Clash of the Titans though!
1. The Oblitersaurus! Rarrr!
2. A special armoured dinosaur jockstrap so no-one can kick him in the goolies.
3. A fondness for Turkish Delight.
4. Half tick, half octopus. I only say this because I got a tick at Away Game (see, it wasn’t all beer and skittles) and the tenacious little fucker has led to me cutting away half my midriff just to evict him. So I wouldn’t fuck with a tick these days, especially not the front half. And an octopus has tentacles and squirts ink at people, so they’re just cool anyway. Although it may have to live half in and half out of the water, which might limit its effectiveness as a Magical Beast of Terror.
5. Some (and I mean only some) fantasy stuff is genuine quality, but I tend to even like the childish nonsense. Even when I know it’s childish nonsense, actually, and the guiltiness of the guilty pleasure makes it even more enjoyable. Intellectual fluff! With swords! And dragons! And ARMOURED FUCKING DINOSAURS!
FIRS… oh wait, SECOND! No, that’s not really very good is it. Damn you Stu.
1. Dr. McGillicutty
2. Flamethrowers attached to the head and tail, and razor-like talons on its tiny front legs (obviously it’s a T-Rex or a Velociraptor)
3. Why would I disclose information like that? But guaranteed it’ll be covered by armor.
4. I’ll stay with the prehistoric theme and say a saber-toothed tiger and a wooly mammoth. Huge, fast, and fucking scary teeth.
5. I have a huge soft spot for myths and legends, but most fantasy stuff seems to be soft core porn for ladies these days. I guess certain fellas, as well…
1. Megasaur.
2. Lasers.
3. HMRC
4. A toucan and a squirrel.
5. Can’t really deal with it too much in books, films though I’m generally a fan.
If anyone calls their armoured dinosaur Simon I am going to have a tantrum.
Tim, don’t you mean frickin laser beams, as opposed to mere lasers?
1. Pterodactyl the heinous.
2. It can fly, should be fearsome enough.
3. It’s tickly on the tummy.
4. Body of a small dragon with only tiny wings at the back and the head of sheep with curly locks.
5. To a certain extent. I’m rather fond of Lord of the Rings, because I learned a good deal of my English from Tolkien (rather than in school) having read the books as a teenager. And according to members of my family I used to tell made-up fantasy stories as a very small child to everybody who could not get away fast enough.
Evi, does that make it a Shagon? What a cool creature – smooth and charming and right devil with the ladies!
1. Name your armoured dinosaur.
Chester.
2. Pick one crucial feature an armoured dinosaur must have in order to be truly fearsome.
Armour.
3. What is its secret Achilles Heel?
Allergic to armour.
4. You know those really cool half and half animals in fantasy stories? Which two would you mix?
Bart Owl and two owls. He’d look great with a pair of hooters.
5. Do you actually like fantasy stories or films or whatever, or do you just find it childish nonsense?
I find it to be childish nonsense. Luckily, I’m a nonsensical child, so I fucking lap that shit up.
Chester, Simon and Dr. McGillicutty, the super-fearsome armoured dinosaurs.
Hmm.
I know F’naar and G’waarg sound a bit silly, but the alternatives are somewhat lacking in the attribute of fearsomeness.
1. Bigbawasauras
2. Good PR
3. An X Factor addiction
4. A kangaroo and an elephant
5. Isn’t everything childish nonsense?
Yeah, but at least you can say Chester, Simon and Dr. McGillicutty. G’waarg just sounds like what you’ve probably been hacking up during your cold.
1. Name your armoured dinosaur.
Tommy the cat.
2. Pick one crucial feature an armoured dinosaur must have in order to be truly fearsome.
Uncontrollable horn.
3. What is its secret Achilles Heel?
Lady dinos that makes it’s eyes pop out go “awooga”.
4. You know those really cool half and half animals in fantasy stories? Which two would you mix?
Cow and pig for a tasteee burger.
5. Do you actually like fantasy stories or films or whatever, or do you just find it childish nonsense?
Of course. Any story, told well, regardless of genre is a good story. Unless the genre is rom com. They can fuck right off to fuck-town. Like that Eat, Pray, Love or whatever it is called out now in all bad cinemas. “Ooooo my name is Julia Roberts and I am going to eat food, find God and fuck Javier Bardem all the while speaking on behalf of women everywhere and isn’t it tough etc etc”. Julia…..your brother Eric is better than you. His turn in Best of the Best pisses all over your whole career. She is probably a really nice person I am sure.
Romcoms in Hollywood are probably in the direst state they have ever been, at the moment. The storylines are rigidly formulaic, the characters picked from about three or four basic templates and the trajectory of the narrative so absolutely defined that you can probably define the initial uncertainty, blossoming romance, misunderstanding, montage set to music and subsequent denouement to within a minute or so, irrespective of the film. I actually have a soft spot for a romantic comedy believe it or not, but they are so bad these days I can’t bring myself to watch them.
And they never have dragons called Simon, which makes them a complete waste of everyone’s time.
1. Snuggles the Murdersaur
2. Jetpack.
3. Tendency to drink the jet fuel.
4. Half grizzly bear, half Afrikaner.
5. I quite like the childish nonsense. It’s the po-faced, horrendously misogynist, relentlessly ‘dark’ crap that I dislike.
1. Cuntysaurous
2. Big obnoxious mouth spouting shite in your general direction.
3. It’s foppy hair
4. dog and dog
5. kinda
Half Afrikaner – now now!
Oh, Chutters you old sweetie pie, am I your fearsome armoured dinosaur?
Soft spot for rom coms?!?!
AH hahahahahaha ahhhahaha aha hah. HAHAHA hah ahah.
Heh.
Sorry.
I don’t believe it!
Dead serious. Make me go all teary-eyed and sappy. Or, more recently, shout at the telly and throw things around the living room.
Hugh Grant is pretty much the only person who can pull off a good rom com.
Aaaaaw.
I tear up at loads of films to be honest. Gandalf’s death….Optimus Prime’s (80′s) death…..Iron Giant “superman” scene.,,,*sigh* Anything really.
Come on everyone ‘fess up.
Not disagreeing entirely, but recently his stuff has been so awful, he’s just looked embarrassed on screen. As well he should. The Morgans? I didn’t even consider watching it, even with a Sarah Jessica Parker punchbag right next to me.
(That’s Hugh Grant, not Optimus Prime)
Apparently Optimus is considering returning to treading the boards and going back to his first true love of theatre.
From Huge Bloody Dinosaurs With Armour On to romcoms in less than twenty posts. Fucking hell, thanks Madcow.
Love, Actually was quite good, but that’s just because Bill Nighy is awesome.
Friday Fives should be called “Off on a tangent” or similar. Tangential Tirades? Alternatively, the Talking Arse Corner.
Wasnt there a sitcom with dinosaurs in it? That was wank wasnt it?
I think it was creatively called “Dinosaurs.” And was shit, from what I remember from being 8.
Yup. That’s the one.
Did anyone else really like the beginning of the Flintstones and always be very disappointed with the actual cartoon itself?
(I’m trying as many tangents as possible today – although thats kind of similar really….Flintstones was trying to be an animated sitcom really).
I beat you in commenting on your own blog?? My god, I really must have fuck all to do today.
Flintstones was just The Honeymooners with dinosaurs and without the threat of spousal abuse.
Here we go.
Yup, agree with you Matthew, but he definitely went through a patch of making some great soppy trash.
1. Armadillo-tron.
2. Hypnotic powers.
3. It never learned to read.
4. Spider and Monkey, to create some sort of “Spider Monkey”.
5. BORED NOW
Dino Riders FTMFW!
And I am with AnotherDave. Bill Nighy is awesome. Did anyone see Wild Target where he got to bag the indecently young (for him) Emily Blunt? It was quite a good film, but not quite good enough to entirely distract from the creepiness of their eventual romance.
1. Roarosaur
2. Has to breathe fire, surely?
3. It’s actually ticklish.
4. otter + meerkat (HOW cute?)
5. Mostly childish nonsense, and although I enjoyed the spectacle of the LOTR films, they were a bit, well, long really weren’t they?
1. iamthedon.
2. A personalized numberplate.
3. A troubled past and vivid flashbacks
4. PiranhaMoose.
5. Stories and films are delightful childish nonsense. Grown men and women playing with painted models is just plain old nonsense.
1. Awesomeasaurus.
2. Eyes like Peggy Mitchell when she gets all mad and shouts “GET AAARTA MAH PUB!!!!”
3. Gin addiction.
4. Legs of a lady, body of a fish.
5. I like it as long as I’m not being lectured about at length by some of my sadder ex-co workers.
Bill Nighy’s best work is blatantly ‘Still Crazy’.
Piranhamoose!
And I don’t know Still Crazy. But he is so awesome it must be good.
Oh my god Still Crazy is great. It’s about a load of old rocker types that we’re big in the 70′s in a band called Strange Fruit. They re-form in the 90′s and go on a European tour. Bill Nighy is the lead singer and it’s got Jimmy Nail, Timothy Spall and Billy Connolly in it too.
I am not making it sound as good as it is.
…
PiranhaMoose!
Stir Crazy
I am not a lot more impressed with the internet and a lot less impressed with Adamski. Piranhafuckingmoose. You charlatan!
Pow. Right in the kisser.
1. Name your armoured dinosaur.
Puff
2. Pick one crucial feature an armoured dinosaur must have in order to be truly fearsome.
Good at maths.
3. What is its secret Achilles Heel?
Hugs
4. You know those really cool half and half animals in fantasy stories? Which two would you mix?
Mixing animals? That’s just kooky talk.
5. Do you actually like fantasy stories or films or whatever, or do you just find it childish nonsense?
The good ones can be great metaphores for aspects of life, or the human condition, or some such nonsense.
No, Stir Crazy was Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor in prison.
Still Crazy was the ageing rock group starring Bill Nighy, Billy Connlly and the rest of them.
Aye thats the one Dylan. On another dragon themed note, does anyone remember that terrible kids programme ‘Through The Dragons Eye’???? We used to have to watch that during quiet time at Primary School. At the time, amazing, in retrospect, shit.
Chester and Simon the armoured dragons…hahaha…fearsome because they’d be under-estimated?
Rom Coms? I believe today’s Friday Fives has become a train wreck. Four Weddings etc was a good rom com…apart from Andy McDowell, who was craptastic in it and every other film she’s darkened the doorstep of)…
i know…i was just saying
1. Name your armoured dinosaur.
Matthewsaurus. Nice and unoriginal.
2. Pick one crucial feature an armoured dinosaur must have in order to be truly fearsome.
Machine guns built into its eyes.
3. What is its secret Achilles Heel?
Its heel.
4. You know those really cool half and half animals in fantasy stories? Which two would you mix?
Donkey and penguin. The rise of the donkuins would be fucking terrifying.
5. Do you actually like fantasy stories or films or whatever, or do you just find it childish nonsense?
I sure do. In fact, I just finished Dragon Age on PS3 last night. Took me 53 hours, but was worth every minute. Hurrah!
Donkuins? Depends a bit on which half was which I guess.
Dragon Age is great. I found myself using Shale quite a lot. I also really liked finding out his origins.
Dragon Age 2 in production and wont be out soon enough in my humble opinion!!
Mass Effect 2 – you will love that if you havent played already. Dragon Age maxed out in space.
“his” origins.
???
Donkuins, yes. The speed of a donkey, the incessant whining noise of a penguin. FEAR THEM.
Shale was pretty much my most used character. Sort of a bit too powerful, though. Mass Effect 2 comes out on PS3 in January, so I’ll get it then. I’ve got the Dragon Age expansion to play through before that though.
*spoiler alert for Dragon Age*
Shale the golem character in your party (hard as nails with memory loss) turns out used to be a girl. A dwarf girl no less. Shale hates birds.
*spoiler alert for Dragon Age*
He’s thirty-six.
Matthew’s 36? Spring chicken!
I hope Matthew’s not 36 because he’s younger than me.
Madcow, do you still stay in the soft play area when you and Creature go to IKEA?
Well that’s in dragon years.
If we’re still talking about Madcow here, I suppose that can’t make him any older than eight in human years.
Oh I see……”Computer games are for kids” argument here, huh?
I think you all know how wrong you are. Nerds for the win.
Well, one of my friends has that t-shirt, and PiranhaMoose was too good not to be outed- but WhalePug is also pretty good…
http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?pid=38420754&id=61106239&ref=fbx_album
Erm, no, Whalepug just looks like a shit whale. Piranhamoose is just fucking cool. And so were you when we still thought it was your idea
Whalepug actually looks a bit like it is shitting a whale. Though I guess most pugs have that slightly startled look.
here’s some rubbish yet fashionably late answers
1. Bobosaurus
2. a big fuck off shell with millions of spikes sticking out
3. it’s love of Dairylea Dunkers
4. A Highland Cow crossed with an elephant, what an awesome hairy beastie that would be
5. love em – sometime I wish I was more nerdy and into things like that as it does look like a lot of fun.
TILL NEXT WEEK………..BYE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Peenko has just invented the Woolly Mammoth. Well done.
1. the youbetahbloodysauryas (to be said in a fierce, Nick Cave-style Australian accent)
2. Being damn near invincible, not being able to be killed by humans
3. One magic creature can kill them, but it’s really rare
4. An Ostriphant – a creature that lives to be sixty and can run at 60 mph. That’d keep the bastards on their toes…
5.I make out that I find it childish nonsense, but if I’m being honest, I do love Harry Potter, Narnia, etc.. I just draw the line at adventure gaming. Even I can only be so much of a geek. DESTROY THE ORCS. Like, yeah, whatevahhhh…
1. Name your armoured dinosaur.
Makesplatasaurus!
2. Pick one crucial feature an armoured dinosaur must have in order to be truly fearsome.
A clubbed tail with spikes that shoot lazers.
3. What is its secret Achilles Heel?
The poor thing is blind as a bat.
4. You know those really cool half and half animals in fantasy stories? Which two would you mix?
A wolf and a kangaroo.
5. Do you actually like fantasy stories or films or whatever, or do you just find it childish nonsense?
They are brilliant. Until George Lucas gets hold of them. Then they make me sad.
1. lane the parasaurolophus
2. the ability to pick locks and open doors
3. can only be killed on a day when the new moon falls on a wednesday
4. a horse and a narwhale …
5. I write fantasy stories (of the pretentious magic realistic/modern day sort if you’d like to know) as a hobby. So yes, I like ‘em.
Ducky, isn’t that a bit like a unicorn. And haven’t they already been pretended?
Do you publish your stories or post them anywhere, or are we not allowed to ask?
Ed, wouldn’t an Ostriphant be in some danger of getting its legs tangled in its trunk? At top speed that could be disastrous.
In the interests of making Ben sad:
Star Wars is getting a 3D re-release.
George Lucas is a terrible, terrible person.
anotherdave
http://oneoclockwonder.wordpress.com.cn/files/2008/01/yoda.jpg
Anthony. His friends call him Zip.
Has the ability to induce synesthesia in its victim. The sound of his noisy gait, thanks to all that armor, is processed in the victim’s mind as an overwhelming aroma of fresh baked bread.
Butter. It’s a tedious story. I’d rather not get into it right now.
I couldn’t think of anything good so I’ll just leave this here: http://video.hollywoodreporter.com/services/player/bcpid6555681001?bctid=115484214001
Can’t I like them and find it childish nonsense as well?
Sharktopus! Amaaaazing!