Friday was the Victim of a Stinky Liberace
And what, you might ask, is a Stinky Liberace? Well I will tell you. It comes from a strange and strangely detailed dream I had last night, which I will try and explain in the sanest way possible.
Myself and a random other person were monitoring someone’s internet usage for some unspecified reason or other. We noted that the pages were flicking by so fast that it was probable that they were just scrolling through but not actually reading anything.
Then, for the briefest second, another page popped up and then vanished again. ‘Oh,’ I thought to myself, ‘so they are reading something.’ I went to have a look at what it was, and as I did I was vaguely aware, out of the corner of my eye, of someone running out of the front of the building to the public toilets across the road. At this point I became aware, in that vague way you do in dreams, that we were in South America.
Anyway, I went to investigate the page which had snagged the attention of the person we were (for no reason that remember being aware of) spying on. It was just a plain text ad a bit like the ones on Google, and not very interesting, and beside it was a link which said something like those captions you see on Page 3 of the Sun: ‘Michelle, 23, from Taunton’ or something like that.
‘You dirty bastard’, I thought to myself. ‘You don’t pay attention to anything, but you’re aware enough to find the link to the titillating picture of the pretty girl.’Â And then I thought, ‘ah fuck it, I might as well’ and clicked on the link myself.
There was nothing there, though, just a small, vague jpeg of what looked a bit like one of those 3D barcodes. ‘Ach, just bait for spyware’, I thought and peered at it to see what the fuzzy little thumbnail might actually be. At that point someone jumped up and pointed and screeched with laughter “He got a Stinky Liberace, he got a Stinky Liberace!”
Everyone around me was cackling with glee and pointing, but I had no idea what they were on about, but I happened to put my hand up to my head, and found I had this nasty glue-like substance in my hair. It suddenly dawned on me why that guy earlier had dashed across the road to the public toilet – he had to wash it out fast.
So I charged off myself and frantically barged someone out of the way, to plug up the sink and run the hot water. Because the toilet was a bit of a shack in South America there wasn’t much handsoap, so I scrabbled around trying to cobble together whatever I could to wash whatever it was out of my hair.
Around now it dawned on me that a Stinky Liberace was one of those nasty internet pranks to dupe people into clicking on links and then shaming them by getting them to lean into the monitor to peer at the vague thumbnail before shooting some sort of nasty gluey stuff at them as the punchline. There was even a song everyone was singing at me, with a sort of circus-like tune: “He got a Stinky Liberaaaa-chee! He got a Stinky Liberaaaaa-chee!”
And all the time I was wrestling people out of the way in that public toilet in South America to get at the sink and all the handsoap I could get my hands on was ‘How is that fucking possible, it shouldn’t be possible to make something like that squirt out of a computer’ while that fucking annoying song rang around the bloody place.
So now you know what a Stinky Liberace is. Be careful what you click on on the internet people, or you could end up trying to wash your hair in the sink of a public toilet in South America. And then what a tool you’d feel.
And you thought you were strange.
I even, as soon as I woke up, looked up the term ‘Stinky Liberace’ to see how the fuck it ended up popping into my head, but it seems not to exist. Entirely a product of my sleeping brain, apparently. Which is reassuring in some ways, and kind of terrifying in others.
Anyway, ummm… yeah, I’ll stop now, here’s the Friday Fives.
1. In a word, how did this post make you feel?
2. Stupidest email/attachment anyone ever forwarded you.
3. Of which beast would you like stuffed and mounted head to hang above your fireplace?
4. Best prank you’ve ever played.
5. Best (ie worst) prank that has been played on you.
These five songs were foisted upon me by Neil from Meursault because (with the exception of a particular Scottish emo-folk band) he thinks my music taste is fucking shite.
Beck – Burnt Orange Peel
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Melanie – What Have They Done to My Song, Ma
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I love how I’m the self-appointed expert around here, but every damn fucker I know has better taste in music than me. DAMN YOU, INTERNET!
1.That this must be the reason why Blogger is still borked!
2. One of those things that takes over your cursor with a little viagra and makes your computer do stupid “amusing” things.
3. Panda (bit of a long shot) or Zebra or that Maggie Thatcher they used to have in the Uisge Beatha
4. I am crap at pranks. My brother used to make artwork out of them
5. I hate being pranked. I think it comes from some deeply buried anxiety from school when people used to jump out at you or tell you it was PE when it wasn’t. Bastards. Do April Fools count? Friend once announced she was pregnant (she wasn’t) but muggins here fell for it.
1. Scared.
2. My parents sent me a long copied and pasted conspiracy theory about how, if you fold a US $10 note in a certain way you can apparently write Osama Bin Laden and get a picture of the two towers. Obviously utter bullshit. The email read “Thought, as you like maths, this was your sort of thing.” UH-HUH…
3. Dragon. YES THEY DO EXIST.
4. I’m really bad at playing pranks. Nobody shares my sense of humour, so I avoid them.
5. My flatmate once posted on my Facebook that I was “Strongly considering voting BNP in the general election. They seem like the only people who can get the job done.” Suffice to say, my mixed-race cousins were not particularly pleased.
Ha! Emo-folk! Neil’s right about Fog and The Notwist, though. Damn good bands.
1.Perturbed. But amused. Sorry, that’s two.
2. I hate those fucking dumb emails that have any mention of ‘forward this to all the people you love, and lot’s of good things will happen’, etc, etc. Or anything with angels. FUCK OFF!
3. A gnu. Because it’s a nice word to say, but an ugly beast.
4. I’m still a fan of the old ‘chappy runny’. No Matthew, this isn’t a rude thing, but what some people call ‘chap door runaway’, or even ‘ring a bell, squoosh’, but I wouldn’t be friends with those sorts.
5. Not really a prank, just general evil sibling behaviour. My brother told me that the way you got the grooves into vinyl was to sing onto a plain bit of plastic and it would become a record. I then spent days doing this, and he told everyone about it
I remembered an alternative answer for number 5, so here it is:
When I was in 5th year at school I got mumps and was off for a week. My friends thought it would be a good idea to tell everyone at school that you got mumps by masturbating and then licking your hand. Nobody thought to question this. I got some pretty weird looks when I went back.
fuck yer fives… if you ever call me emo-folk again yer getting a punch in the cock!
1. Liberated.
2. Anything which ever asks me to pray for anyone. HAHAfuckyouitsallmadeupandyouwillrot!
3. A slow loris perhaps. Or the last dodo, with a claim to having shot it last week in the New Forest. Along the lines of that bit in the Addams Family where Puggsley shoots down an American bald eagle and the horrified camp person says ‘An American bald Eagle! Aren’t they extinct?’ and Wednesday says ‘They are now’. I fucking love the Addams Family.
4. I’m not actually very good at pranks, because I tend to be too cruel. However at uni my best friend and I rigged up a ridiculous contraption so that when our flatmate came home it trigged an avalanche of balloons down the stairs and the stereo to play some silly song or other.
5. The worst was when someone squirted ink all over my school uniform jumper. Only it wasn’t mine, I had borrowed it from a girl I really fancied (look, that’s just what you did, alright, so fuck off) and so I was boiling with rage and just about to go absolutely apeshit and batter the fucker. However, in a herculean feat of self-control I managed to slowly but surely force my temper under control – I was absolutely fuming too, so it wasn’t easy – and slowly calm down. By the time the fury had subsided enough that I was able to speak, and mumble through the most gritted of teeth that it was okay, it was an accident and these things happen, the invisible ink had already vanished and they were all laughing. Given only I know how hard it had been to actually not just batter the fuckers, I ended up just resenting it even more. Didn’t they know what I had just done for them? Didn’t they know how hard it was? Didn’t they know how close they came to a serious beating? The RAAAAAAAAAGE!
1. Sleepy
2. My friend Mzuemba who was stuck in Nigeria and needed me to wire her $10,000 to fly her home. Silly bitch. Bloody rude too, she never did thank me.
3. Beast from the X-Men
4. Pretending to be Chewbacca on the phone is always a winner.
5. A colleague in a previous office pretending to be from HR, pulling me up on the use of a mildly derogatory term to describe someone I worked for on my Friends Reunited profile (many years ago by the way). But it was an amusing doublecross – he’d tipped me off beforehand to flip the joke onto his co-conspirator, who’s role was to hover round my desk to gauge my reaction. It’s fair to say he wasn’t expecting feigned tears and an anguished sprint to the toilet and panicked. Heheheh.
One prank that worked was getting called by Nigel Fern from Horticulture Weekly.
Bleepy emo-folk?
1. A bit weirded out as I’ve been doing this kind of shit all week.
2. This guy called Michael keeps trying to recruit me to make some money. It’s not that odd but he’s persistent, I get about 3 or 4 emails a day.
3. Something really small like a Vole. So when people peer at it close up, they can be sprayed. Old skool style.
4. I am shit at jokes.
5. Last month when I was on a work trip, the hotel fire alarm went off about 5 seconds after I got out of the shower. I don’t think it was a joke (if it was, it was a good one) but I only just managed to avoid the hell that is standing in a hotel car park in a towel, slippers and one of those foil sheets you get for completing marathons for an hour. Many did not…
1. Spooked since I dreamt of you last night.
2. Anything with dancing emoticons, angels and God bless yous that you must forward to 10 people in 10 minutes.
3. I’d have a rack of mice heads. Artfully arranged, of course.
4. Told my husband he had overslept on the first day he was supposed to report to an important new rotation during his surgical residency.
5. A high school boyfriend that I was crazy about broke up with me just to see how I would take it. Still pisses me off thinking about it.
How about a vole mounted on a plaque big enough for a grizzly bear. That would be splendid. Especially if there was a legend along the lines of ‘Bravely tracked and eventually shot by the bold Tracker McStalkwood in the terrible Winter of 1756′ or something like that.
1. Disturbed.
2. Some downright awful mp3s.
3. Minotaur.
4. Nailed/glued a former flatmate’s bed to the ceiling. Took a lot of work and cost me a fortune in giving folk money to keep him in the pub till it was done, but it was worth it.
5. I’m usually good at dodging things. No one has posted on my my Facebook/Twitter as yet, but once one of my friends did manage to get hold of my phone long enough to text everyone in my contacts that I was “Sitting in the bath, thinking of you”.
A whole bed? Christ that’s impressive. A little fucking nuts, but impressive.
1. reminded of Googlewhack
2. Disguised link to Les Battersby lookalike midget porn, when I was in work with speakers rather loud, lovely
3. giraffe (or a toucan, have seen just a head, very sinister)
4. back in my pharmacutical days in Club 69, Paisley, when it was proper underground techno haven, I had overindulged far too much and convinced myself that with dodgy yellow shades and a fake accent that I could convince these young guys that I was an eastern european pimp that could get them “very clean dirty girls, quite cheap” That clearly wasn’t the eventual outcome, but I did get a free beer and a toot, so a victory of sorts.
5. At Bangor in Wales we visited my mate who was some climber dude, a group of us Scottish folks were out at a rather rough and ready boozer and the token English dude to avoid getting grief from locals pretended he was mute, as he got drunk he ended up forgetting and the even more drunk locals caught on to this an weren’t too happy. He got a can lobbed at him, which he caught, and kebabs chucked at our mini-bus. All of it quite wrong….
I knew a dude who’s dad worked with The Damned and in the early days they spent most of their cash on glue as they used to try and glue everything in their hotel room to the ceiling, if sobre in a perfect upside down version of the way it was.
Toucan! That would be awesome!
Dave, that was you? I’m still waiting on my cheap girl.
The bed was a major undertaking. Almost gave up halfway through, but it was worth persevering.
A bit like that creme egg, eh Jim?
1. Just plain weird. Put me of my weetabix
2. Only today I got an email on the subject of rimming, and how to improve my technique.
3. Eric Pickles, so I can kick him in the mush every morning.
4. We found out a teachers address from our secondary school once, and we sent him a Thai bride catalogue hoping his missus would find it. Charming.
5. None that I can remember
Who the balls is Eric Pickles?
I posted your single pre-orders yesterday. It might be nice if you got one yourself at some point.
Eric Pickles at his finest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYl6WW5ypRE&feature=fvst
I have pre-orders too! from people who wouldnt know what paypal was if it bit them on the bum.
I thought we weren’t allowed to mention the giant creme egg again?
My ideas might be stupid, but at least I commit to them I suppose.
Ayetunes: misguided but fanatically determined since 1886.
Check out this example of bagpipe soul for some misguided but fanatically determined backing dancers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecfFDpl1IMo – by far my favourite musical clip of the week
1. Stinky.
2. The stupid ones about Bill Gates giving away money.
3. A moose. Classic.
4. I once locked my flat mate in is bedroom and went away for the weekend.
5. I was working on a show, in which the orchestra was in a separate room, mic’d and the sound piped through into the theatre. The orchestra, I had a video feed so I could see them. As one they all mimed playing their instruments sending the sound team into a bit of a blind panic as we could see them playing but couldn’t hear anything. That was until one of us ran down to the room they were in, and said quite clearly into the mics that were live and functioning perfectly “You bunch of total arseholes!” broadcast loud and clear around the entire theatre.
1. amused
2. An email that when opened made the screen flash with a sign saying ‘I AM GAY’ and a blaring song to go with it.
3. the big monster from Labyrinth
4. I once hacked into my friend’s email and declared his love to the girl he fancied at uni through a super cheesy love song called ‘Can I Borrow A Feeling’. He wasn’t too pleased
5. A friend of mine nicked my phone while I was crashed out one night + sent a photo of his cock to my sister, and then deleted all evidence of it on my phone. I got a text the next day saying ‘I don’t think that was meant for me’, but didnt think anything of it. She later explained that she thought I had sent her a picture of my cock by accident
Ben locking up his flatmate and then buggering off for the weekend is one of the highlights of my life, and I wasn’t even there.
1- Thoroughly amused and entertained. Awesome dream! Mine are sometimes that interesting and odd.
2- I don’t like chain email AT ALL. Religious email irks me, too, as I don’t go around preaching my world view to everyone and their dog, and certain political email can, er, ruffle my feathers.
3- Hmmm, don’t want beasts on my wall… must think. My dad had a huge moose head on a tiny wall so that you’d hit your head on it (even if you were a short person). (Ann Coulter? Rush Limbaugh?) I’m not the hunting type.
4- I lack a prankster mentality. Not a pranker, more of a prankee, though I seem to avoid that situation.
5- Can’t really remember any right now except that my sister once jumped out from the closet under the stairs as I was walking by when we were teenagers. It was dark in the house and I’d just read a scary novel. She’s pleased to this day at how I jumped and screamed.
1. Excited
2. READ THIS OR YOUR CHILD WILL DIE AT MIDNIGHT. JOAN WAS RAPED IN THE FOREST LAST WEEK. FORWARD THIS TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT JOANS PLIGHT. OR DIE. etc etc
3. Sloth
4. I’m not very good at pranks, one day my friend fell asleep and we told him when he woke up that it was several hours later than it was, which he believed and was so confused when the sun wasn’t going down at half 11. That was fairly amusing for a while. Another time I phoned a friend pretending to be this weird creepy guy, we kept inviting him for drinks and asking if he was single and stuff, and while this was happening he was texting my other friend about it, all freaked out. Again, fairly amusing.
5. I can’t think of any right now…
Craig, I do remember the vaguely threatening ones. They were just a bit creepy.
You were sort of there. I left to spend the weekend getting leathered with you in Cambridge.