Friday Has a Surprisingly Free Schedule
Not of course, given the business I work in, like I can’t fill it up to the brim again in a second of course. I mean, there’s the Rob St. John and Ian Humberstone as well as the All Creatures Will Make Merry vinyl artwork to finalise of course. But that can, realistically, wait until Monday. I think.
So that leaves me with tomorrow and nothing to do but hang out with Mrs. Toad. The house has been so hectic with guests, and with the Festival August might well be worse, that at least one day to spend just by ourselves will be a bloody relief.
Then on Sunday I am pottering through to Glasgow for Jonnie Common’s album launch. His new record Master of None was within a whisker of being on Song, by Toad Records actually, but we didn’t move fast enough (damn you holidays!) and also didn’t really have the money to press vinyl either. Also the record label who did end up releasing – Manchester’s Red Deer Club – are one of the best indies around and Dunk Le Chunk, who runs the label, has been one of Jonnie’s staunchest supporters from back in the days of Down the Tiny Steps, so it is rather fitting that they release his debut album.
And as much as I would have liked to have the record on Song, by Toad Records, I’d rather anyone else release it if it means I get to have a copy on vinyl. Fookin’ lovely! Anyway, yes, The Captain’s Rest in Glasgow this Sunday if you fancy some superlative musicfuns.
1. Which bird looks the most evil?
2. Which sea creature looks the most benign?
3. Name your death metal band.
4. Best use of an animal in a film…
5. …and the worst.
Five songs from a boisterous compilation I made in the Winter about umm… six years ago is it now?
Franz Ferdinand – Darts of Pleasure
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
British Sea Power – Apologies to Insect Life
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
The Detroit Cobras – Ya Ya Ya (Looking For My Baby)
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
The Fiery Furnaces – Crystal Clear
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
1. Which bird looks the most evil?
2. Sea otters? I know they’re mammals, and therefore have a slight advantage in the cuteness stakes, but then again a dugong is a mammal isn’t it? And that would count, surely.
3. The Mincers of Minge.
4. Wanda from A Fish Called Wanda. ‘Oh-oh, Wanda. Gullet time!’ Come to think of it, the dogs Michael Palin kept killing were pretty amazing in that film too.
5. Any of those dog plus policeman ones. Awful, cutesy pish. Animals + slapstick = humourgeddon.
1. Seagull
2. Turtle
3. Infected Midriff
4. A Tyrannosaurus Rex eating that guy of the bog in Jurassic Park
5. Babe
1) Tweety Pie is the most evil – fact
2)Urchins –
3) Alive Dissection -
4) Lassie Come Home – it would have been tricky in Lassies absence
5) Digby – oh it was
Matthew, I didn’t realise just repeating the questions was an option.
1. Woodpeckers. Isn’t the name enough? Fuckers!
2. Jellyfish, especially those moon ones that glow under black light, ooooh pretty!
3. Bobbit Hobbit
4. Mel Gibson in that one with all the blue face paint. Was he supposed to be Irish or something?
5. Mel Gibson in any Die Hard film.
muuahh! xoxo
1. Turkey Vulture. Or indeed Turkeys and Vultures.
2. Manatee
3. Septic Strimmer
4. The Leopard in Bringing Up Baby
5. Just seen an advert for something with Jim Carrey and some penguins, looks like the penguins were winning…
1. Matthew’s obviously begin his weekend already. Record player up loud, gin in hand. 10 bucks says I’m right!
1. It really is hard to look past seagulls on this one.
2. I have a very cute seal for my Twitter profile pic. I need say no more.
3. Satan’s Scrotum.
4. The bear eating that fucking lunatic in Grizzly Man.
5. Our house has recently acquired Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeaquel. I fear nothing more than the looming question: “Daddy, will you watch The Squeaquel with me” at the minute.
1. That new bird/dinosaur thing they’ve dug up in China. Those “reconstructions” of it make it look pretty evil. Not sure how they know it’s wings were blue though..
2. manatees
3. The menstruators. Actually, maybe that’s my punk band..
4. the talking dog in that new Ewan Mcgreggor film is v cute
5. Anything CGI-ey. Aslan or something in those tedious Narnia films.
Actually, come to think of it, all the animals in ttN films
1) The Bald Eagle.
2) Matthew already referenced a family of sea otters that made me envy the life of a sea otter so I’ll have to go with… Beluga whales. Really, look at these chaps:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ee/Belugawhale_MMC.jpg
3) High Impedance Air Gap
4) I wish you hadn’t said film. The dog from Fraiser is ace. Other than that it’s hard to fault rabbit from Fatal Attraction
5) I don’t care if it’s a film or not, I’m picking all of the cats in Cats. Come on, it’s a play about a bunch of cats. “Look at me, I’m a cat, I act like a twat”. “No you’re not, your a twat in lycra and in five years you’ll be sitting on your garage with engine on and the door closed”
1. Has to be seagulls, they stare you out for your chips
2. Blobfish, look it up if you’ve never seen one
3. Castrate the Elderly
4. I used to love Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, but I refuse to watch it now cause I just know I’ll hate it.
5. Tim Allen in the Shaggy Dog
“your a twat in lycra and in five years you’ll be sitting on your garage with engine on and the door closed”
This may be the greatest thing I’ve ever read.
1. Cockerels. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Always have.
2. Otters.
3. Well it would be Leviathan and we’d do songs that were nasty, brutish and short (oh, for God’s sake -google it and go and read more); but as the name’s already taken, perhaps Ninth Circle. On the grounds that that is supposed to be the nastiest bit of hell.
4. The bull charging at Richard E. Grant and Paul McGann in Withnail & I. ‘A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not!’
5. When it’s quite clear in one of the Superman films (from the last decade) that one dog has eaten another, as a result of starvation. Not necessary
1. gotta be a vulture
2. Star fish
3. Cunts on Cunts
4. the elephant that ‘can’t’ walk backwards in Hannibal Brooks
5. is Jar Jar Binks an animal?
Ed, I must have missed that. It sounds like the only bit of the Superman films worth watching.
Ed! You’ve ruined Christopher Reeves for us all. No wait. That was a horse, wasn’t it.
Crass as always,
Tart
1) The double wattled cassowary
2) The sea turtle
3) Deltasweat
4) The date monkey in Raiders of The Lost Ark
5) The drummer in The Muppets Take Manhattan
1. Seagulls. They look evil, and are evil. I have no regrets about that time I punched one.
2. Manatees always look pretty chilled out.
3. Rainbow Unicorn Fistfuck
4. Bunny the dog in Hudson Hawk.
5. I have never seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua, but the name alone makes it win.
Tart -naw, it was one of the post-Reeves ones.
But it’s Friday -you’re allowed to be crass!
Damn – fucked up the answer to my own questions. What a dildo.
1. Which bird looks the most evil?
Mah fuckin’ burd. A right evil wee bitch, so she is.
Man, Mel Gibson, Jar Jar Binks, Cats, Beverley Hills Chihuahua… so many winning answers!
1 . Fighting cockrels – I know its cruel but they are nasty wee fuckers
2. mannatees
3. Gorefuck
4. The kestrel in Kes (although it does come a brutal end)
5. Any of them films with the killer whale in ‘Free Willy’
Free Willy. The film that made it okay to hate whales.
Turkeys look pretty fucking unpleasant, now that I think of it.
They also don’t taste great. I was in charge of food this Christmas for the first time ever, we got a goose and it was like a step forward for all mankind.
Geese are fucking evil come to think of it. And so tasty. It’s like nature wants you to feel good about killing them.
1. Ostrich
2. Beluga Whale
3. Goat Fuck Suicide
4. The orangutan in Any Which Way But Loose
5. the annoying lion in Madagascar
Ostriches look more creepy than evil, no? It’s such a fine line.
Goat Fuck Suicide is an absolute winner though – nice work!
Steve, I think geese can be rather handsome creatures actually. Some breeds, anyway. That doesn’t save them from their awesome tastiness though, which overcomes an qualms I might (but don’t) have about killing animals for food.
1. Bonxies
2. Blobfish- the Eeyore of the marine world
3. F Star Star Cunt (shamelessly ripped from a line from In The Loop)
4. The tigers in Gladiator
5. Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire
I’m not commenting on their appearance which I realise, having reviewed the questions, is off topic. It’s the look in their eyes.
Pure evil.
Ripping off In The Loop is far from discouraged, on these pages.
Big Bird always freaked me out. That cutsey voice is like a soft aural rufinol for inner city children.
Ostriches are definitely evil looking fuckers. meant to be tasty tho.
Good call on Big Bird, a feathered sexual deviant if ever there was one
You know, during the Jim Henson Festival at the Filmhouse here, there was a Best of Sesame Street, which attended with a little less enthusiasm than most of the rest of the films, and was truly fucking horrified to see that the whole damn thing was all about Big fucking Bird, Snuffleupyourarse and wholesome fucking social messages.
NO Oscar the Grouch, barely any of The Count… it was a fucking outrage. That fluffy yellow cunt wasn’t the best bit of Sesame Street, Oscar the Grouch was, and how dare they pretend otherwise.
Really? Veggie Monster didn’t make an appearance?
Veggie Monster?
Actually, I really don’t want to know the answer to that one, do I.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBMxpDbp51A
No. You don’t want to know. But sometimes Matthew you have to face that which scares you most.
I wish there was some way to unsee that.
Apparently children like food because they are told to, not because of a genetic pre-disposition to seek out vital food that scarce during our evolutionary development in the plains of Africa.
Like cookies and gin.
Really, a lot of free time you say? Isn’t there an e-mail you should be responding to?
1. Which bird looks the most evil?
An eagle
2. Which sea creature looks the most benign?
Starfish
3. Name your death metal band.
Horses of Shit
4. Best use of an animal in a film…
The monkey in Indiana Jones is pretty cool.
5. …and the worst.
Marley and Me. The dog in it presumably. Not cos I’ve ever seen it but I’ve heard numerous people say it was the saddest film ever. I refuse to believe a rom-com with Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston is the saddest film ever.
Oh and pardon me. My fives.
1. They all look like they’re up to something nefarious.
2. Always loved the look of seahorses.
3. Moms
4. Was always fond of “Every Which Way But Loose” as a child
5.”Any Which Way You Can” That was just overkill.
Yes there is, Lane. And I am ignoring them. ‘Fuck you, email!’ I say. And just look at me go.
Phil, anything with a dog and Jennifer Aniston is going to be the most hateable film ever.
Even the ones from bands on your label who have been waiting for a response so that they can proceed to promote their new album? Especially so they can stop feeling like assholes having to timidly continue to e-mail self described ignorer. Hrmm…..
Oh and this is one of the best trailers ever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFFr91atHqE
DAMMIT! UNMASKED!
Mrs. Toad would be so impressed with your choice of pseudonym, by the way. She is more than just a little bit of a high school movie aficionado!
Awesome. Quite an aficionado myself.
1. Male domesticated turkeys. A most foul breed of bird.
2. cuddlefish
3. Kill Doctor Luck
4. the attacking cats in “Let the Right One In”
5. every horror movie that uses a dog barking at nothing to signify that there is a ghost
Goat Fuck Suicide is what we decided the band playing upstairs at the Classic Grand at AVP3 – so loud we could hear them through the floor at out gig – were called. I’d have liked them more if they actually had been.
Actually I can’t believe no one’s said Pelican yet. Now that’s a nasty bird. Huge, short enough to grab you where it hurts and has a bill sharp enough to snap your neck! I worked in a seabird sanctuary one summer (oh don’t ask) and wrestled these demonic buckets with wings to the ground so that we could ram our arms down their throats and cut the fishing line they had invariably swallowed along with some idiot “fisherman’s” bait. One can reach practically all the way to their stomachs (the pelican’s) once you pin them down to keep them from bashing your head in with their wings or making you a cyclops with the horned tip of their beak. It was an exciting summer. But they are truly and magnificiently evil compared to your measly seagulls.
I would pay good money to watch Tart wrestle a pelican.
Me too. It sounds like a cross between Monty Python, the next Tim Burton movie and some sort of nasty porn, but fuck it, why the hell not.
1. Which bird looks the most evil?
The Shoebill is an asshole: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dVpF-jo09C0/Tb73oKvL60I/AAAAAAAAABQ/T-MJyJd38-w/s1600/Hannah%2527s+Jabberwocky.jpg
2. Which sea creature looks the most benign?
The Axolotl wants to hug: http://mcaaron.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/axolotl.jpg
3. Name your death metal band.
The Herpetic Eruptions
4. Best use of an animal in a film…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg
5. …and the worst.
The bull slaughtering scene in Apocalypse Now.
You left it late there C&B, but I think you’ve cleaned up. That shoebill looks like a total bastard. And it knows it.
The Shoebill looks like it would fuck you up, just to amuse itself. I’m terrified.
1. Swans
2. Which sea creature looks the most benign?
3. The Massacre Cave have already used the best metal band name.
4. Scraps the dog in Airplane 2.
- Aw, is that your dog, son?
- Yes, his name is Scraps, and he’s going to the moon with us.
- Oh no. No dogs are allowed in the shuttle son. I’m afraid Scraps will have to be shot.
5. Garfield.
Oh fuck – I did a Matthew on question 2.
2. I’m going to with a sole or a turbot. Those squiffy eyes just make it look a bit of a retard.
“I did a Matthew”
You know you’ve made it when you become the name for a cockup.
He made up for the lateness, the wrongness and the three-post mentalism with the Scraps quote, though. That was a pearl.