Song, by Toad

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Friday is a Fucking Penguin

 I know this ‘what’s your blues name’ nonsense has been floating around the internets for a while, but I thought it might be fun for Friday’s traditional buggering about – just click on the image to have a proper look.

In other news, I will be wearing a fucking penguin suit tonight, for something like the first time in three years.  I fucking hate those things.  I’d rather be a man than a woman at these formal events, because at least we have a simple uniform and don’t have to give a fuck about being judged for our choices, but nevertheless…  yeuch.

I guess the fact that I never have to wear anything more formal than a shirt with a collar on it occasionally means I just don’t feel comfortable in these fucking things, but whatever the reason is, I just don’t, and the sooner the speeches are over, the jacket and fucking tie can come off and the sleeves be rolled up the happier I’ll be.

Then I can get hammered and swear at everyone.

Mastering was fun yesterday as well.  Although actually, there wasn’t much mastering done, just endless tweaks of the final mix to make sure everything was ready for the mastering process, so I still don’t really know what goes on behind the curtain.  I did learn a lot of good things about mixing though which, given I have never really been taught properly and generally just made it up as I went along, is a very, very welcome thing.  Just watching other people do shit is pretty useful I think, even if you don’t end up repeating it, it still just helps to accumulate as much knowledge as you can.

Listen to all the advice you can get, and then ignore 99% percent of it.

Anyway, oh yes, the Friday Fives.  This is why people like me, with a propensity to ramble, just shouldn’t have blogs.  A grownup editor would have butchered this whole load of bollocks down to about three or four sentences, if that, and honestly, where’s the fucking fun to be had there, eh?

1. What is your blues name?
2. What is your posh name?
3. When do you feel most like a fish out of water?
4. Who should be the new England captain, now John Terry’s got the boot (serious answers not encouraged)?
5. Who should headline Glastonbury (or whatever the biggest festival is) this year?

Jingo – Fever

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Mercury Dance Band – Envy No Good

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Das Yahoos – Mabala

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Bokoor Band – Onupka Shawarpo

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Nkansah and Yaanom – Pem Dwe

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65 witty ripostes to Friday is a Fucking Penguin

  1. avatar

    1. Sticky “Bad Boy” McGee
    2. Little Lord Fauntleroy.
    3. When I’m not on the internet and am forced into real life interactions.
    4. Fabio Capello.
    5. I should, I’m a musical masterpiece just waiting to happen.

  2. avatar

    1. Jailhouse Fingers Blue. I can’t help but find that rather disappointing.
    2. Barnabus Baskerville.
    3. Penguin suit dinners are pretty high on the list. At a conference, surrounded by commercially-orientated music industry people is pretty high on the list.
    4. Bernard fucking Manning at this rate.
    5. Me First & the Gimme Gimmes.

  3. avatar

    1. Pretty McGee
    2. Lady Lillian Bruce-Beck
    3. At any meeting when you can play Bullshit Bingo and there are more than two suits present.
    4. Is this a football question?
    5. I don’t care, I like my festivals small scale.

  4. avatar

    Not first. Not first again! On my own fucking website.

  5. avatar

    Pretty McGee is awesome. Can you sing?

  6. avatar

    I apparently brought the house down with my nonchalant karaoke take on Heart Of Glass at my parents’ anniversary party last night! I can see blues harmonies, bit too much vibrato, but passable if enough bourbon imbibed.

  7. avatar

    *sing* not see…

  8. avatar

    More or less anything is passable if enough bourbon is imbibed.

  9. avatar

    1. Jailhouse Baby Rivers
    2. Charles Fitzgerald, Prince Of Spain (?)
    3. When I go back to Lancashire (where I was brought up) and go in a shop or a pub
    4. Not Steven Gerard, Frank Lampard or Rio Ferdinand. Or Wayne Rooney. I can’t think of anyone suitable. I suppose Scott Parker comes closest but he’s not a particularly great player.
    5. If it’s Glastonbury, Maisie and Maud (the cows – it’s a fallow year). Different big festival: Lana Del Ray. Oh, right, who SHOULD? NOT Lana Del Ray. Err…Art Brut.

  10. avatar

    1. Blind “Fingers” Franklin
    2. Mr. Franks-Haughton Esq.
    3. Buying clothes from actual people.
    4. Who cares, it’s not like it’s even a sport any more. Just a bunch of millionaire diskheads desperately trying to keep they’re uninformed prejudices under wraps.
    5. Bruce Springsteen & the E-Street Band

  11. avatar

    Honestly, serious answer really aren’t required for the England captain question.

  12. avatar

    Perhaps they should follow the example of the rugby team and make someone who only has one cap captain?

  13. avatar
    Steve Benton

    1. Blind “Killer” McGee
    2. Charles Spencer Senior
    3. Wandering around aimlessly in B&Q.
    4. Blind “Fingers” Franklin gets my vote.
    5. Radiohead

  14. avatar

    Radiohead would be good. I might actually go to that festival for a change.

  15. avatar

    1. Old Killer Dupree
    2. Mervyn Lear-Jett
    3. Weddings.
    4. Keira Knightly
    5. Old Killer Dupree and the Civilizing Mission

  16. avatar

    Mervyn Lear-Jett is awesome.

  17. avatar

    1. Old Bones Lee

    2. How do you figure out your posh name? My porn name is Saphhie Manning and my Star Wars name is Dylma Malon or something.

    3. I’m a triumph at any social occasion; but I get lost, confused and angry in large department stores.

    4. Haven’t they just selected Chris Robshaw from Harlequins? Although I have to say it’s an impressively brave choice from the the new coach, Stuart Lancaster, the guy’s only got one international cap to his name. Hopefully though it’ll help blow away some of the cobwebs from the RFU which is precisely what they need to happen.

    5. The Leg

  18. avatar

    THE FUCKING LEG!

  19. avatar

    Dylan, I think Matthew was talking about the association football captain.

  20. avatar

    1. Blind “Fingers” Parker apparently.

    2. Hugo Blyth-St. John. This may or may not be my real name anyway.

    3. In a club with loud dance/pop music surrounded by lads and ‘ladettes’ wishing I could just curl up in the corner and die. Instead of doing this, I tend to drink myself to oblivion, which, while clearly more sociable, does lead to other difficulties.

    4. Nick Griffin

    5. Blind “Fingers” Parker

  21. avatar

    Dylan, I think Matthew was talking about the association football captain.

    I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with the tawdry machinations of the inferior codes.

  22. avatar

    1. Buddy Foot Bradley (go on look up what my “hilarious” initials are…)
    2. Brian “Two Amps” Pokora
    3. Talking in public with no instrument in front of me.
    4. Soccer can fuck off, watch some communist sport this weekend. (http://vimeo.com/35003246)
    5. John Knox Sex Club, let’s see their singer try to hug 30,000 people during the last song (that song is probably long enough for it anyway)

  23. avatar

    For a bonus point, post up your Prison Bitch name: http://www.pasteeaters.net/funny_jokes/prison_name_generator.asp

  24. avatar

    Egg chasing? That American joke? Pah. “Association” fitba is where it’s at.

  25. avatar

    1. Boney Lemon Hopkins.
    2. Sir James of Cuntsville
    3. When I’m Boney Lemon Hopkins.
    4. Prince Phillip.
    5. Prince.

    “This is why people like me, with a propensity to ramble, just shouldn’t have blogs” but can you recognise a member of The Sensational Alex Harvey Band?

  26. avatar

    The really should call it handegg.

  27. avatar

    No, Jim, not if they delivered my post in the morning.

  28. avatar

    That rant from the Scottish New Music Awards guy was fucking hilarious.

    Yeah – way to get respect for your awards show – fella!

  29. avatar

    What? Have I missed something hilarious on the internet again?

  30. avatar

    1. Texas Smith
    2. Primrose Snootywoggles
    3. All the time….
    4. Shaun the Sheep, it has four legs, should be an advantage.
    5. Guided by Voices or King Khan & The Shrines, it would be fun then.

  31. avatar

    http://scottishnewmusicawards.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/2012-scottish-new-music-awards/

  32. avatar

    Hilarious indeed. I hope I get nominated this year.

  33. avatar

    Oh dear god, what a prannet. It’s going to take me ages to read all that bollocks, but I do get the impression it might be funny enough to make it worthwhile.

  34. avatar

    The best bits is where he calls oor mate Lisa Marie a man hater, and seems to take great pride at saying the event made a huge financial loss. Excellent PR.

  35. avatar

    Isn’t that a bit like the way he was going on about how none of the people he invited wanted to come. A little image management advice might be recommended.

    Dear oh dear.

    I never went, so I have no idea what it was really like, but that really reads like an advanced lesson in how to make yourself look bad. Daft sod.

  36. avatar

    The best bits is where he calls oor mate Lisa Marie

    Yeah, that bit’s a gem.

  37. avatar

    That was his most Alan Partridge moment, by some distance, but there were certainly a few others.

    “Get back in yer box, love.”

  38. avatar

    I’ve just read that. Would it be unseemly of me to repeatedly slam an old man’s head off a tiled floor?

    Cos that’s kind of what I’d like to do at this moment in time.

  39. avatar

    I don’t know, Stu, it’s a bit like the Lana Del Rey album – no matter how shite, it’s a bit too pitiful to actually hate.

    Just another whinger making a tit of himself on the internet, and lord knows we have plenty of those already.

    It’s a bit like the negative reactions at the time, actually. If it really was as plain crap as people said, I am surprised they could find the energy to slate it. I may have thought that Bon Iver album was rubbish, but I certainly couldn’t have bothered my arse to write a review of it.

    Although the Pop Cop’s in particular really was rather funny.

  40. avatar

    Stu, if you charge admission to watch you could make a few bob.
    Bruce was nice enough to address our concerns in the comment section though “The slagging is still going on by the Indi-kids and their Cyber Balls.To be honest with you, this is great, the page hasn’t had this many hits in ages!!”
    Delightful.

  41. avatar
    rampant chutney consumerism

    1. Big Lemon Blue
    2. Lord Thomas Toska Gables
    3. Going shopping by myself, just can’t do it!
    4. who cares?
    5. The Bad Books

  42. avatar

    You know, I still haven’t seen the Bad Books live. I am a dick. Are they good? People keep telling me they’re good.

  43. avatar
    rampant chutney consumerism

    neither have i!

    but by all reports they seem to be more than ok.

  44. avatar

    I still haven’t seen the Bad Books live. I am a dick. Are they good?

    by all reports they seem to be more than ok.

    Think of Graeme. Now imagine him running along the entire length of the bar in Electric Circus singing his lungs out into a megaphone. Now try and imagine any possible way that wouldn’t be fun.

    Oh, and they also seem to have a couple of tunes.

  45. avatar
    rampant chutney consumerism

    i love my Best Man

  46. avatar

    Dylan?

    Phew, no, you mean Graeme. Thank fuck for that – imagine the speech!

  47. avatar
    rampant chutney consumerism

    imagine it anyway

    1 Dundonian and 1 Glaswegian……it’ll probably end in a fight

  48. avatar

    1. sticky Gumbo Jones!
    2. Where are people getting these from? Or if they’re self appointed: Lord Reginald Smithe
    3. When Im in water. Although I’ve just started a new job as a manager for the first time and it’s been a pretty steep learning curve already. Having said that I was at a Child Protection Forum on Monday where I was by far the most junior and It didn’t bother me at all.
    4. Erm I can’t think of a funny or serious answer I’m glad that the FA have done the right thing though.
    5. PAWS – they’ve certainly released enough songs!

  49. avatar

    1. Pretty-Gumbo Brown
    2. Mate, my first name is hyphenated. Get tae fuck.
    3. When my husband ends every comedic argument we ever have from here until the end of time with “shut it, man-hater” and I realise I have no comeback.
    4. Said husband. It will get him out of the kitchen and besides, he has already played for both Wolves and West Brom (according to Wikipedia)
    5. I am going to fill in “somebody who isn’t Springsteen” here for a laugh.

  50. avatar

    SOMEONE WHO ISN’T SPRINGSTEEN? WHY DO YOU HATE MEN SO MUCH?

    Back in yer box, love.

  51. avatar

    You’re not married to Cyril Regis are you? That would be awesome.

  52. avatar

    Cyril Regis is a Catholic! My mum would have been so pleased.

  53. avatar

    Stringer’s played for the Baggies?

    Well, well….

  54. avatar

    He’s no Cyril Regis though.

  55. avatar

    1. Boney Eyes Smith

    2. Horton Cavendish, but everyone calls me Ducky.*

    3. Around people who don’t care about book smarts because I’m convinced that they’re thinking ‘oh doesn’t she think that she’s so much better than us’ when really i’m just thinking oh, please don’t hate me.

    4. Tom Brady

    5. um… First Aid Kit

    *No, not at all my real name.

  56. avatar

    Posh people do have a habit of calling one another stupid fucking things like that. ‘Pinky, Perky, Binky and Stinky are coming over for dinner, yah.’

  57. avatar

    1. Fat Baby McGee
    2. Thad Sterling
    3. Sitting in corporate meetings at the office
    4. Dora the explorer
    5. Lana del ray

  58. avatar
    i are scientist

    1. brown fingers thomkins. Is there a blues names deed poll?

    2. I don’t think I could ever be posh enough to have one

    3. that whole back-tie posh dinner thing terrifies me too

    4. Miss Piggy Hiiiii-yah!

    5. Damn you, Dylan – I was going to say The Leg – how awesome would that be? Maybe the Butthole Surfers then instead.

  59. avatar
    i are scientist

    1. brown fingers thomkins. Is there a blues names deed poll?

    2. I don’t think I could ever be posh enough to have one

    3. that whole back-tie posh dinner thing terrifies me too

    4. Miss Piggy Hiiiii-yah!

    5. Damn you, Dylan – I was going to say The Leg – how awesome would that be? Maybe the Butthole Surfers then instead.

    I’ve not said this twice have I? Website keeps telling me I have..

  60. avatar
    i are scientist

    oops..

  61. avatar

    1. Curly Fingers Hopkins. YAWN.
    2. Regina Felange
    3. When I start a new class at the gym and I don’t know how to use the equipment
    4. Margaret Thatcher
    5. Curly Fingers Hopkins and the Lone Star Rangers

  62. avatar

    1. Dead Bastard Fingerpickins

    2. Chipney Cock-Waffleton. Just call me Cock, yah?

    3. When I have to mingle with the lower classes.

    4. Blind Footsie Kicker

    5. Bono’s Facebook Shares

  63. avatar
    Campfires & Battlefields

    1. Boney Back Hopkins
    2. Languedoc Baradieux
    3. Everywhere except the toilet.
    4. Don’t give a shit.
    5. The reunited Van Halen.

  64. avatar

    Does Scientist’s TPM count if the first two posts are the same?

  65. avatar

    Three-post Mentalism is Three-post Mentalism.

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