XFM’s ‘Radio X’ Rebrand Makes Me Fucking Ashamed

menz God if I ever I felt like bellowing NOT ALL MEN into the skies, without a hint of irony, it is now. It’s like listening to Hamface Cameron giving a speech and thinking to yourself ‘I really hope the next time I meet someone who is unemployed or even slightly foreign they realise I fucking despise this clown’.

There are, admittedly, very very few disadvantages to being a middle class, cis-gendered, heterosexual white male, but here is one I can suggest. If you are not a middle class, white, etc etc etc, then who ‘speaks for your people’?

Most of the time when I see someone being held up as a shining example of modern feminism, or as a towering cultural force in the black community, or an important voice in the battle for transgender rights they seem to be pretty awesome. Intelligent, courageous, articulate… you know, the kind of things which should get someone held up as an example or an inspiration.

The kind of twat who tends to stick their head above the parapet and speak for ‘my people’ seems to be almost uniformly awful.

What am I talking about? Well apparently XFM is rebranding as Radio X, “the first truly male-focused, fully national music and entertainment brand for 25-44 year olds”. Yes, seriously, that is an actual quote from parent company Global.

“Great Britain needs great banter and I can’t wait to be back on air five days a week” – Johnny Vaughan

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Nothing could really make that sound any worse, could it? I mean, for fuck’s sake, if you were to distill what makes middle class Britain utterly fucking hateful I think you would end up with something somewhere in between the two sentences above. All printed across a big picture of Johnny Vaughan, probably. Or Chris Moyles, who they’ve also recruited.

But actually, it gets worse:

“The new national station promises to be home of “the world’s freshest rock and guitar-based music playing the biggest songs from these genres”. Regulars on the playlist will include Florence & The Machine, Mumford & Sons, Blur, Arctic Monkeys, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, The Maccabees, Radiohead, Nirvana, The Smiths, Royal Blood, Kasabian, Catfish & The Bottlemen and Kings of Leon.”

It’s Thom Yorke and Kurt Cobain I feel most sorry for. Well, and John Kennedy.

But truly, short of making me listen to the skittering of an army of hungry spiders as they tracked me down and devoured me one tiny nibble at a time, I can’t think of anything which would be more guaranteed to make my ears fucking bleed than listening to this station. Perhaps one of Yvette Cooper’s campaign speeches. Or maybe anything George Osbourne has ever said.

I think I’d even rather listen to my wife whisper over and over again in my ear for all eternity that she was leaving me for Ashley Cole by whom she was five months pregnant.

This is basically the Jeremy Clarkson of radio stations, isn’t it. It’s as if they asked what we all hated about him so much, distilled it down to Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds and Kings of Leon, and decided to broadcast it twenty-four hours a day like the paralysing venom of those wasps who devour you from the inside out. David Cameron keeps fucking talking and because of the effect that Johnny Vaughan introducing Florence and the Machine has had on my central nervous system I can neither change the channel, cut off my own ears or even summon the energy to bite down on my emergency Ian Duncan Smith cyanide capsule and just end it fucking all.

And almost as bad as this stuff actually existing in the first place, is who they seem to think wants it. Wait a moment, I am middle class. I am white. I like mostly guitar music. I am heterosexual. In fact I am sooo very heterosexual that I like football and fast cars and can’t fucking dance. Hang on, are they targeting this banal, smug garbage at me? If I was any sort of minority whatsoever I would be right on the phone to… well, someone anyway, but who ‘speaks for my people’? This lot, apparently.

ARE YOU BASICALLY SAYING THAT WE ARE ALL CUNTS, XFM? I HOPE YOU ARE NOT. NOT ALL OF US ARE LIKE YOU SEEM TO THINK WE ARE. NOT ALL PRIVATELY EDUCATED HETEROSEXUALS! NOT ALL MIDDLE-AGED BORES! NOT ALL MEN!

When even the well-educated, white, middle class, cis-gendered, heterosexual etc etc etc… men are toe-curlingly embarrassed at people thinking they need more shit dedicated just to them, and that this is the kind of dismal, vacuous shit that we want, then maybe we have gone far enough down this particular cultural cul-de-sac and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to consider one or two other options.

Y’know, just p’raps.

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