Why Song, by Toad?
Toad of Toad Hall is a character from the fantastic Kenneth Grahame book The Wind in the Willows (full text here). Due largely to my having been a little shit as a kid my Mum always used to call me Toad, because ‘you insufferable little twat’ is apparently not a nice thing to say to a small child. We had a copy on tape, read by the inimitable Kenneth William, which we used to listen to all the time on long car journeys. This tape is where the excerpts on this page come from.
Anyhow, when I was thinking about a name for the blog I was reminded of a passage towards the end of the book. Once they reclaimed Toad Hall from the Stoats and Weasels Toad imagined his triumphant banquet, full of pomp and boasting:
“He quitted the room, accordingly, in the direction of the kitchen, and as soon as the door had closed behind him, Toad hurried to the writing-table. A fine idea had occurred to him while he was talking. He would write the invitations; and he would take care to mention the leading part he had taken in the fight, and how he had laid the Chief Weasel flat; and he would hint at his adventures, and what a career of triumph he had to tell about; and on the fly-leaf he would set out a sort of a programme of entertainment for the evening- something like this, as he sketched it out in his head:
SPEECH By TOAD (There will be other speeches by TOAD during the evening.)
ADDRESS BY TOAD SYNOPSIS
· Our Prison System, the Waterways of Old England
· Horse-dealing, and how to deal
· Property, its rights and its duties
· Back to the Land
· A Typical English Squire.
SONG BY TOAD (Composed by himself.)
OTHER COMPOSITIONS BY TOAD will be sung in the course of the evening by the…
COMPOSER.
The idea pleased him mightily, and he worked very hard and got all the letters finished by noon, at which hour it was reported to him that there was a small and rather bedraggled weasel at the door, inquiring timidly whether he could be of any service to the gentlemen. “
Naturally Badger and Ratty forbade this sort of preposterous nonsense immediately:
“‘Now, look here, Toad,’ said the Rat. ‘It’s about this Banquet, and very sorry I am to have to speak to you like this. But we want you to understand clearly, once and for all, that there are going to be no speeches and no songs. Try and grasp the fact that on this occasion we’re not arguing with you; we’re just telling you.’ Toad saw that he was trapped. They understood him, they saw through him, they had got ahead of him. His pleasant dream was shattered.
‘Mayn’t I sing them just one little song?’ he pleaded piteously.
‘No, not one little song,’ replied the Rat firmly, though his heart bled as he noticed the trembling lip of the poor disappointed Toad. ‘It’s no good, Toady; you know well that your songs are all conceit and boasting and vanity; and your speeches are all self-praise and- and- well, and gross exaggeration and- and-’
‘And gas,’ put in the Badger, in his common way.”
Acceding to their demands, Toad has to make do with shutting himself in one of his palatial rooms and singing his song to an imaginary audience:
“At last he got up, locked the door, drew the curtains across the windows, collected all the chairs in the room and arranged them in a semicircle, and took up his position in front of them, swelling visibly.
Then he bowed, coughed twice, and, letting himself go, with uplifted voice he sang, to the enraptured audience that his imagination so clearly saw, TOAD’S LAST LITTLE SONG!
The Toad- came- home!
There was panic in the parlours and howling in the halls,
There was crying in the cow-sheds and shrieking in the stalls,
When the Toad- came- home!
When the Toad- came- home!
There was smashing in of window and crashing in of door,
There was chivvying of weasels that fainted on the floor,
When the Toad- came home!
Bang! go the drums!
The trumpeters are tooting and the soldiers are saluting,
And the cannon they are shooting and the motor-cars are hooting,
As the- Hero- comes!
Shout- Hoo-ray!
And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud,
In honour of an animal of whom you’re justly proud,
For it’s Toad’s- great- day!
He sang this very loud, with great unction and expression; and when he had done, he sang it all over again.
Then he heaved a deep sigh; a long, long, long sigh.”
And, hence, Song, by Toad. Does it all make sense now?
