Song, by Toad

Hooray for us – possibly the vilest and least romantic Valentine’s Day Podcast yet!  And before anyone whinges about that picture, go to fucking Wikipedia and complain, because that’s where we bloody got it from.  I know!  Scandalous!  Someone should complain.

So erm, yes.  I don’t think we left anyone unoffended this year.  I sincerely hope not because I don’t like to think of people out there nurturing an anticipated false outrage complex only to be let down.

We do not like romance, we do not like being told when to have fun by people who are simply hoping to exploit our disposable income, we do not like it being implied that being single is some sort of failure, we do not like people measuring their self-worth by how much their partner can be emotionally blackmailed into spending on them, we do not like having to live up to commercially defined standards to demonstrate that we love one another, we do not like having to skip the football just cos we’re supposed to behave one some particular day or other, we do not like fucking teddy bears or fucking chocolates, we do not like sitting in tumbleweed-infested restaurants whilst people glance nervously around them wondering if they’ve done it right, and we do not like having a list of things to live up to before our relationship is considered functional thank you very fucking much.

We do like lazy Saturdays in the garden, swearing at the fire for twenty minutes trying to get it to light with damp logs, meals with friends, new places, listening to vinyl so loud the floor shakes, a bit too much to drink with people that we really like, laughing/shouting at films, arguing about the side of the bed, swearing blind it’s not your turn with the chores when you know damn well it is, drinking coffee in the garden when it’s sunny, slagging off almost everyone, shouting at reactionaries on TV, emailing one another stupid stuff all day, insulting the cat, surprise cups of tea, buying shit on the internet when we’re drunk, only coping with the washing mountain when it threatens to start a SARs epidemic, watering the plants mere minutes before death and walking hand in hand through the park and peering at cool old dudes chuntering around at the allotments or sailing model boats in the park pond.

Oh, and getting pished and recording offensive podcasts for Valentine’s Day… enjoy!

Toadcast #108 – The Boabycast

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01. Cracker – Mr. Wrong (03.10)
02. Billy Bragg & Wilco – Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key (09.57)
03. The Smiths – Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me (17.11)
04. Eels – Love of the Loveless (20.16)
05. The Clash – Brand New Cadillac (29.40)
06. Bill Hicks – Pussywhipped Satan (31.41)
07. Evan Dando – Hard Drive (44.33)
08. The Coathangers – Nestle in My Boobies (48.11)
09. Virgin of the Birds – She’s in the Moon Again (59.10)
10. David Cross – Your Baby is FUCKING BORING! (65.59)

Instead of simply vanishing this afternoon, Mrs. Toad and I will be stopping by the Edinburgh College of Art to see the degree show before we fuck off. The exhibition isn’t officially until tomorrow, but as we are going away we have been given special permission to attend the friends and family viewing. If that hadn’t worked out I was all up for crashing it, frankly, because really, just how fucking hard is an art school bouncer going to be?

“Fuck off out of my way you malnourished, over-emotional little cunt, I’m going to see some fucking art and you aren’t going to stand in my way.” Virtually a First Class with Honours performance piece in itself, if you ask me.

Needless to say, I wasn’t too popular at the Glasgow School of Art when I was there.

This week’s five are entirely unrelated to the songs for a change.  This week I have chosen five songs which are deeply intertwined with our relationship.  Not really for any good reason, but the prospect of finally getting away from everything to spend a couple of unbroken weeks with your young lady after weeks and weeks of working late, editing video into the night, uploading this, going to that gig, all the things I find myself doing far too much of these days, is not just a bit of a treat, it’s really quite romantic.  What are you two doing this week? Nothing.  Hanging out together, because we get on.  We get on really, really well.  So there.

And, er, five thingies and so on… de-lurk if you fancy, this is the weekly amnesty for people who don’t want to jump into the somewhat cliquey weekly arguments about whether or not some particular record may or may not be under-produced.  Spit out your five, interesting, entertaining, witty or just banal, no-one cares.  Then talk pish to your heart’s content.  It’s fucking Friday, after all.

1.  What is the smelliest cheese you can handle?
2. If you had to choose between clean pants (no, Americans) or clean socks, which would it be.
3. Worst smell you can remember enduring.
4. Which foodstuff gives you the stinkiest shites in the morning?
5. Which foodstuff can you simply not stand the smell of to begin with?

Tom Waits & Crystal Gale – Take Me Home

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Billy Bragg & Wilco – Hesitating Beauty

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Bob Dylan – Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You

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Tom Waits – All the World is Green

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Clem Snide – All Green

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People fall in love for lots of reasons, some good and some bad. I don’t know why I fell in love with my midget companion, but I did and now I’m stuck with her.

What is the reason for this post then? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s late and I am pished and I am feeling a rush of elated giddiness about my sheer good fortune in ending up with this lass. Happiness is an elusive thing too, so I think you have to note the occasions when life is good to you, if just out of gratitude. A doff of the cap to the fates, if you will, because bad luck is always ready to make things shit the minute you take anything for granted.

People who are miserable fuckers, I am always tempted to conclude, don’t recognise the happy times when they have them. I never want to be someone who doesn’t acknowledge his enormous and entirely undeserved slices of luck when they materialise. I hate people who don’t know how lucky they are.

Anyhow, the point, yes of course. Well we have just come back from a friend’s house having had a delicious meal (grey sole and queen scallops on a bed of spaghetti with lemon, parsley and purple sprouting broccoli – what a cunt I’ve turned into!) and watched an amazing film. It was Death Watch with Harvey Keitel, Romy Schneider and Harry Dean Stanton and is shot in Glasgow in 1980. Try finding it anywhere – I bet you can’t. French Amazon is where we eventually tracked it down.

Anyhow, after all this grown-up middle class bollocks what does my darling girl want to do when we get home? Turn the stereo up fucking loud and plough through the vinyl. Play music, play it fucking loud, get mashed and act like idiots. Like I needed any encouragement. So the gins are poured, the amp is bursting at the seams and the neighbours are praying for the SAS. God I love this girl!

The Builders & the Butchers – Black Dresses Play this really, really fucking loud. Really fucking loud. Break something, you played it that loud.
The Sequins – Patients
Billy Bragg & Wilco – Hesitating Beauty This is just a love song. I make no apologies. I am besotted. Fuck you too.
White Rabbits – Kid on My Shoulders
The Shaky Hands – Whales Sing

I’m in America at the moment at my brother’s wedding, but I very kindly recorded this before I went away. I’ve thrown in some stuff about weddings and some summery happy tunes too.

Also, he’s getting married on Cape Cod, and I worked there as a waiter for two Summers when I was a student – with my everso English accent the tips were quite splendid – so I’ve thrown on a few songs that remind me of my Summers on Cape Cod, although not all are obviously related. All in all it’s a cheerful, happy mix with a nice atmosphere to it, so you should like this one.

By the time you hear it though I could very easily have sworn myself into exile and ruined my relationship with my new in-laws forever. Wish me luck, Toadlings, wish me luck.

Toadcast #4 – Summery Songs and Wedding Bells

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1. Billy Bragg – The Marriage (0.46)
2. Tom Waits – Better Off Without a Wife (5.10)
3. Clem Snide – Happy Birthday (9.38)
4. Gomez – Make No Sound (13.36)
5. Dave Matthews Band – Two Step (19.56)
6. Vampire Weekend – Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa (26.49)
7. Judy Garland – Get Happy (30.20)
8. Tom Waits – Never Let Go (34.59)
9. Bell X1 – Bound For Boston Hill (38.12)
10. Suburban Kids With Biblical Names – Funeral Face (43.37)
11. Luna – Sweet Child O’ Mine (48.41)
12. Len – Steal My Sunshine (54.07)
13. Billy Bragg & Wilco – Hesitating Beauty (59.28)