Too Beautiful to Fuck
There I was listening to a song from Kevin Drew’s new album Spirit If… (visit Tim at The Daily Growl for a proper review, I don’t like it that much) when it slowly dawned on me that he was using naughty words. Ooh, I thought, splendid! If there’s one thing Mr. Toad likes it’s things that are good and sweary, so I listened a little closer and thus divined that the song’s title TBTF stood for the phrase Too Beautiful To Fuck, and a thought started to weasel its way into my head.
I don’t think beautiful is all that sexy. Now, I don’t mean that I think beautiful people are hugely vain and that their personalities turn me off, or that I find ‘real’ people more appealing because they are more attainable or things like that. I mean that in terms of sexual attraction, really beautiful people do not do it for me at all. There is barely a supermodel who makes my trousers twitch in the slightest – although now that Elle McPherson and Cindy Crawford are getting older they are becoming far more attractive. Angelina Jolie may be physically perfect, but I don’t find her sexually attractive at all. I know you may not believe me, but this is the truth.
In all honesty, extreme beauty is pretty fucking common these days. Magazines, billboards and television are crammed full of one-dimensional images of physical perfection. Go to any expensive town centre bar in a busy metropolis and you’ll see gorgeous people everywhere. They are slightly compelling, I’ll give you that – fascinating almost, a bit like an exhibit. But I never could muster up the slightest desire to try and hump ‘em. Being good-looking is easy, it’s cheap and it means nothing.
Being saucy, on the other hand, is something of a rare commodity. There are very few people you look and think instantly ‘Rrrowwrr – I could strump her till I sprained my pelvis!’ That enigmatic quality called sex appeal is far, far rarer than the rather common one of physical perfection. So panic not if you aren’t beautiful – you might still be sexy as hell. Beauty itself is just not an especially attractive quality.
Kevin Drew – TBTF
Billy Bragg – Everybody Loves You Babe
P.S. Click that picture. She has sex appeal. She also happens to be beautiful, but that picture hurts my eyes, it’s so marvellous.
