I pulled a time-honoured, if slightly risky skill out of the bag last night in order to get my own way, and it came through in spades.  I was most pleased!  Jonny from the Edinburgh Man podcast happened to have a spare Arcade Fire ticket spare, so I met him in town for a quick pint and we went up to the castle to what was my first properly big gig for years.

Gig cuntery, however, made itself know in the most irritating manner as soon as the band started playing.  First off, a considerable stream of cunts started shoving their way towards the front immediately, and not with any delicacy either, literally shoving.  Cunts.  And second, a pair of prize cunts who, rather deceptively, had the good manners to ask if they could get past us, then proceeded to stand right in the space we had vacated in order to let them get past.  What utter cunts!  We said ‘get past’ you cunts, not ‘here, have our spots’.

Even more annoying than their shitty dancing was the fact that one of these was quite a tall cunt, and he happened to stand right in front of me, and next to another tall cunt.  Seeing around this pair of cunts was a bit of a fucking challenge, seeing as the back of his head was pretty much right in my face, and the stupid cunt wouldn’t stay still, so no matter where I tried to stand, he would find a way of being really fucking irritating within a minute or two.  Because he was a right fucking cunt, see?

Anyhow, after five or six songs of seething homicidal rage I decided it was time to deploy a tactic I haven’t used since I had to combat aggressive armrest territorialism on the London Underground: the cuddle-a-cunt tactic.  Yes, instead of getting shovey or passive-aggressive about it or losing my temper, at the first opportunity I just moved from right behind the cunt to a position which was a little more next to him.  In fact both next to him, and quite uncomfortably close.  Then I let our bare arms rub together every time he jumped up and down, until the silly cunt started to inch slightly to his left to get away from me.

This was exactly the plan of course, and at every opportunity I inched slightly further to my left, all the time grinning and nodding my head along to the music as if we were all just happy happy Arcade Fire fans in this together – except with an unusually high level of just slightly homoerotic skin contact.  Slowly but surely I managed to nudge the cunt far enough away from the other tall cunt that I had a wonderfully interrupted view of the band and, just as I was congratulating myself on a slow and persitent success, the poor silly cunt gave up altogether and fucked off a good two metres away from me.

Come back, you daft cunt, things were just getting fun!

Anyway, this is a slightly risky tactic of course, and I hate to imagine what would happen if I actually pulled – it would be a little awkward to let someone down after making the first move – but it worked a fucking treat last night, and I really enjoyed the gig.  The really thrilling songs, sadly, still seemed to be the ones from Funeral, but so fucking what, it was a great show.

Anyhow, umm… yes, frivolous timewasting on a Friday afternoon, let’s get the fuck on with it, eh?  De-lurking amnesty time everyone, this is the perfect time to come out of the woodwork and say hello, especially if you’ve never done so before.

1. Last really massive gig you went to.
2. Sweatiest you’ve ever been.
3. What percentage of your clothes do you actually wear regularly?
4. What did your parents insist upon, that you hated at the time, but are now kinda grateful for?
5. Does anyone ever actually bother with the songs I put on the Fives?

The Von Bondies – Shallow Grave

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The Detroit Cobras – He Did It

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Liars – We Live N.E. of Compton

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The Small Faces – All or Nothing

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The Fall – Two Librans

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Oh deary me.  A somewhat slurred podcast this week.  I recorded this on Friday night after coming home from sharing about seven pints with my boss at Proper Job, who is a thoroughly decent chap and doesn’t get out for beers as often as he used to due to an unfortunate breeding accident in which his wife had a baby, thus confining him to the house.  The lesson – gentlemen, for the love of god, don’t let them breed!

So I came back to the house and wanted to play some loud music.  I popped a bottle of beer, bought some munchies and mumbled my way through a pile of loud, rambunctious songs that I played far too loud as I sorted out the playlist, and great fun it all was too. I asked about modern rowdy music this week, and Bart kindly recommended some bands, a couple of whom I assume I may have been a little quick to dismiss in the past, so I am going to have another go at them.

Looking through the playlist, I find one thing sticking out more than anything else: how the hell can you tell a Sex Pistols demo from a Sex Pistols recording?

Toadcast #42 – Noise Please

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01. The Libertines – What a Waster (02.56)
02. The Von Bondies – Shallow Grave (08.59)
03. The Bellrays – Blues For Godzilla (12.05)
04. Ian Dury & the Blockheads – Ballad of the Sulphate Strangler (17.49)
05. The Damned – Thrill Kill (23.07)
06. Hoggboy – Left & Right (29.31)
07. Liars – Mr You’re on Fire Mr (35.33)
08. Monster Magnet – Kiss of the Scorpion (37.57)
09. The Sex Pistols – Anarchy in the UK (Demo) (43.24)
10. The Fall – Two Librans (49.47)
11. The Small Faces – All or Nothing (Live) (53.41)
12. The Detroit Cobras – Hey Sailor (59.44)