BUT DON’T WORRY!  After last week there will be no surprise eighties bonanza, just good old whinging indie pish, as you’ve probably come to expect these days.

After the radio show there will be a bite to eat, and then a slow slide into oblivion as I go from Collar Up, Sparrow & the Workshop and Meursault at Cabaret Voltaire to the Gerry Loves Records Christmas Party at the Banshee Labyrinth.  It might get messy.

On air from 3:30pm UK time – listen live here.

Also, yesterday I dropped off some Toad merch at a new Christmas popup shop on St Leonard’s Street, in the Studio 203 Gallery.  If you’re heading out of town past the Pleasance, it’s a couple of hundred metres further out, opposite the Lismore Rugby Club, and there’s a map here, if that doesn’t ring any bells.

Normally an arts studio, I believe, the gallery is now full of all sorts of really nice handmade bits and pieces, as well as releases from some of Scotland’s best independent labels, in the music room through the back.  Well worth a visit, I reckon.

Anyhow, in the meantime, delurk, come out of hiding, bother your arses and complete this Friday’s five stupid questions:

1. Have you put any thought into your top albums/songs/etc lists for 2011 yet?
2. At what date is Christmas officially allowed to start being mentioned, in your view?
3. Next film you’re likely to see.
4. Favourite thing to do with snow.
5. Artistic skill you would learn if you had the time/inclination/talent.

And again, as per usual, the playlist for the radio show will appear below once we go live at around half three this afternoon.

1. The Fall – Two Librans
2. Liars – Scissor
3. Deerhunter – Nothing Ever Happened
4. Washed Out – Eyes Be Closed
5. Collar Up – The Boatman
6. Spook School – Are You Who You Think You Are?
7. Jetskis – Moonlight Kawasaki Ride
8. Quiet Americans – Summer House
9. Dead Rabbits – Make Me Believe
10. Robin Grey – The Hackney Gentrification Song
11. Video Thrills – Sports Park USA
12. Trapped in Kansas – Happiness is an Allegory, Sadness a Story

 I pulled a time-honoured, if slightly risky skill out of the bag last night in order to get my own way, and it came through in spades.  I was most pleased!  Jonny from the Edinburgh Man podcast happened to have a spare Arcade Fire ticket spare, so I met him in town for a quick pint and we went up to the castle to what was my first properly big gig for years.

Gig cuntery, however, made itself know in the most irritating manner as soon as the band started playing.  First off, a considerable stream of cunts started shoving their way towards the front immediately, and not with any delicacy either, literally shoving.  Cunts.  And second, a pair of prize cunts who, rather deceptively, had the good manners to ask if they could get past us, then proceeded to stand right in the space we had vacated in order to let them get past.  What utter cunts!  We said ‘get past’ you cunts, not ‘here, have our spots’.

Even more annoying than their shitty dancing was the fact that one of these was quite a tall cunt, and he happened to stand right in front of me, and next to another tall cunt.  Seeing around this pair of cunts was a bit of a fucking challenge, seeing as the back of his head was pretty much right in my face, and the stupid cunt wouldn’t stay still, so no matter where I tried to stand, he would find a way of being really fucking irritating within a minute or two.  Because he was a right fucking cunt, see?

Anyhow, after five or six songs of seething homicidal rage I decided it was time to deploy a tactic I haven’t used since I had to combat aggressive armrest territorialism on the London Underground: the cuddle-a-cunt tactic.  Yes, instead of getting shovey or passive-aggressive about it or losing my temper, at the first opportunity I just moved from right behind the cunt to a position which was a little more next to him.  In fact both next to him, and quite uncomfortably close.  Then I let our bare arms rub together every time he jumped up and down, until the silly cunt started to inch slightly to his left to get away from me.

This was exactly the plan of course, and at every opportunity I inched slightly further to my left, all the time grinning and nodding my head along to the music as if we were all just happy happy Arcade Fire fans in this together – except with an unusually high level of just slightly homoerotic skin contact.  Slowly but surely I managed to nudge the cunt far enough away from the other tall cunt that I had a wonderfully interrupted view of the band and, just as I was congratulating myself on a slow and persitent success, the poor silly cunt gave up altogether and fucked off a good two metres away from me.

Come back, you daft cunt, things were just getting fun!

Anyway, this is a slightly risky tactic of course, and I hate to imagine what would happen if I actually pulled – it would be a little awkward to let someone down after making the first move – but it worked a fucking treat last night, and I really enjoyed the gig.  The really thrilling songs, sadly, still seemed to be the ones from Funeral, but so fucking what, it was a great show.

Anyhow, umm… yes, frivolous timewasting on a Friday afternoon, let’s get the fuck on with it, eh?  De-lurking amnesty time everyone, this is the perfect time to come out of the woodwork and say hello, especially if you’ve never done so before.

1. Last really massive gig you went to.
2. Sweatiest you’ve ever been.
3. What percentage of your clothes do you actually wear regularly?
4. What did your parents insist upon, that you hated at the time, but are now kinda grateful for?
5. Does anyone ever actually bother with the songs I put on the Fives?

The Von Bondies – Shallow Grave

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The Detroit Cobras – He Did It

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Liars – We Live N.E. of Compton

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The Small Faces – All or Nothing

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The Fall – Two Librans

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Okay, there aren’t any titans, but there are plenty of clashes in this week’s gig calendar.  Look at Saturday for instance – The Fall, The Leg or Bear in Heaven? – it depends on the precise length and angle of your fringe I suppose.  Well, that and the cut of your jeans.

And Wednesday, what do I do?  Go and butter up Yusuf Azak and try and get him to join the label, or go and butter up the Foxxes and try and make sure they stay?  That’s the music industry for you: so many arses to kiss and so little time in which to do it.

In other news, I have been invited down to Unconvention in Manchester to sit on a panel of labels and band managers to make some wafer-thin pretence of having something intelligent to contribute.  I will try very hard to not perform my usual trick of just talking over the top of people until they shush, and make a genuine effort to be a productive and valuable member of society. Yes yes, I know, stop laughing.

Wednesday 21st April 2010: Euan McMeeken, Yusuf Azak, Woodchucker, Dan Arborise & Library Tapes at the Roxy Room.

Yusuf has just finished his debut album which we are hoping to persuade him to release on Song, by Toad Records later in the year, and on Wednesday he and Euan will be supporting Dan Arborise and Library Tapes down at the Roxy Room.

Yusuf Azak – Ursa Major

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Wednesday 21st April 2010: Jesus H. Foxx & White Heath at Maggie’s Chamber.

The Foxx are currently writing and recording their new album, which is due out… well, about three or four months after they finish it, if we’re being determinedly practical about these things, which we have to be.  They’ve been posting demos and works-in-progress on their blog, so you can pop through there and have a preview if you like.

Jesus H. Foxx – The Sea (Demo)

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Thursday 22nd April 2010: Woodenbox with a Fistful of Fivers, The Stormy Seas, The Kays Lavelle & Tony Yorston at the Wee Red Bar.

This is the Woodenbox album launch party, and with my own very recent experience of album launches, that means it should be a gigantic, messy, good-natured piss up.  Their stomping Americana has been particularly upwardly mobile recently, which may be related to their recent hook-up with a new manager, and I am looking forward to hearing the full album.

Friday 23rd April 2010: Slaraffenland & Efterklang at Cabaret Voltaire.

A very Pitchforky gig, this.  Efterklang were pretty good at SXSW, but I find their recent album no better than okay.  Apparently earlier stuff is miles better though, so erm, well yes, good luck with this one. Lots of my friends, whose music taste I agree with in most aspects, love these guys but I don’t really know them well enough yet.

Slaraffenland – Long Gone

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Friday 23rd April 2010: Steffen Basho-Jughans & C. Joynes at the Roxy Room.

This looks like being an extremely interesting evening of music, particularly for those looking for something a little different this week.  This is something of a steel-stringed guitar masterclass, with all three bands featuring the instrument quite prominently apparently.  More information is available from the Facebook page for the event.

Saturday 24th April 2010: Maybe Myrtle Turtle, Enfant Bastard & The Leg at the Bristo Hall.

This is a fundraiser gig, and will be headlined by The Leg, who I would probably describe as My Favourite Edinburgh Band Who I Have Inexplicably Failed to Ever See Live.

Saturday 24th April 2010: The Fall at Studio 24.

I don’t really need to tell you anything about The Fall, do I?

Saturday 24th April 2010: Bear in Heaven at Sneaky Pete’s.

Bear in Heaven are extremely hip at the moment, and I not sure if they are more famous for being famous, or because someone famous tweeted about them, hence making them even more famous, and simultaneously a poster child for modern social media marketing.  Oh, and they play quite electronic stuff, which is not bad at all.

I am clearly not as hip as I pretend to be (was anyone really fooled?) because despite their being extremely cool, I don’t actually have any music by Bear in Heaven on my drive.  Out of shame, I have substituted at track by The Tragically Hip called the Bear, in the hope that you won’t notice.

The Tragically Hip – The Bear

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